OH Begging me not to leave

[Satnam11]

Okay I'm going to lay this out so I can get an honest opinion off you guys. I'm ready for leaving but he's begging me not to go (he has no where to go, no family/friends).

We got together 2 years ago, he left his job and moved across the country to be with me. To start a fresh as he called it. He moved in on the 4th month of knowing each other (yep, I know, bad OP). Back then I was in a terrible confused place. Just finished with my fiance of 5 years, he was living a double life with another women (ex). I was single for about 2 months (this seems to be a recurring pattern in my life) before meeting current DP.

okay so he moves in all goes well for the first 3 month until the EA starts, then the physical violence began. 3 occasions he attacked me until on the last one I suffered a concussion and I said "get the fuck out of my house". He begged and pleaded and cried and said he would change. He did. The EA and violence stopped over night. Just like that 😐.

Over the time of the EA stopping he got a secure job and settled into it. During our time of living together I've noticed when he becomes angry/hurt he shuts down and becomes very defensive, even with the smallest argument's. He belittles, manipulates and mocks. So I've come to realise the EA didn't stop altogether. This has pushed me away. I've recently become quite involved with a new interest and he's taken it as a threat in some way.

Over the past month it's come into my awareness that I haven't been happy at all, I've just suppressed feelings for an easy life. I can forgive him for what he's done to me in the past but I don't FULLY trust him if I'm honest (with regards to the violence).

We both know he has a lot of inner work to be done, he suffers with childhood PTSD which has completely and utterly effected who he is and he's only come to realise this whilst being with me.

I'm the type of person who loves very much, I can argue, like everybody but I never ever get personal or abusive. I'm a very kind and gentle being and I feel we are quite the opposite. He likes to attack as a way of defensiveness and I do not. Even when we have my niece I feel I'm walking in eggshells because when she becomes loud he can't handle the noise level and I see him go into some kind of irritable sulk.

Okay so you have the jist of what's happened. I'll take you to present.

I currently feel emotionally unavailable to this man at the moment, any type of affection is making me feel uncomfortable. I'm not feeling the loving feelings within. I do to a degree but they could possibly just be pitty because I see I'm breaking his heart.

He knows how I feel and for his own sake he's given me until this Friday to make my mind up. I do feel very withdrawn but on the other hand I have conflicting feelings that I'm going to be possibly making a mistake 😖.

He has PROMISED and swore he will work on himself, he said "Do you think I like the person I am?". This morning he has said he's having suicidal thoughts because of what is going on, if that's true and he is I'm sorry but because of the person he currently is I can't help feel that, that again is another form of manipulation. He also said "I dumped my whole life for us!" True but the way he is is not my problem, his behaviours are his to keep, not mine.
He said "I'm being cruel" again, I'm sorry if I am but this I feel is the result of me being pushed. He does love me very much that's also plain to see.

So right now I'm confused, two conflicting feelings in my heart, on one hand I want to finish this and start the new beginning of life (late but oh well (27)) and on the other hand I'm dreading making the biggest mistake of my life. I've literally sat and prayed for an answer (to who/what I don't know).

Apologies for this long post. I've been crying for 2 weeks straight because I can see this is hurting him and me also.

Just because it's just over a year ago that he last beat you up, doesn't mean that he wont do it again. Some abusers go quite a while before the switch flips and they're back to beating their partners.

Please get out, don't pity him.

He has no family and no friends? Not one single friend?

Not your problem either way. Get free and take some time to be yourself, preferably longer than 2 months.

The last time he assaulted me was over a year ago.

And you pity him, pity yourself OP being attached to a nasty bully who attacks you, imagine if this was your daughter.

It's very sad to read that you give his life more than value than your own, because he will NEVER change, this is his personality and I'd guess in the future, he will indeed hit you, you better pray it's not fatal.

Even besides the violence, you seem happy to accept a relationship that is full of emotional abuse, I just don't get it.

Op

A lot of women in your shoes feel pity for their abuser.

It’s ok to feel pity and end your relationship.

Tell him this is a blessing in disguise and he must seek therapy for his abusive tendencies.

Tell him he should be alone whilst he tries to deal with such issues.

It is very hard to reverse an abusive personality. Most of the time they can’t see the error of their ways.

You should look into The Freedom program, either to strengthen you to get rid of him or to ensure you don't go from the frying pan into the fire.

Get out now. I can’t believe you haven’t left before now!! Do not have kids with this man!!

Be careful when he realises you are serious about him leaving. That's when the year of pent up fury will come out and you'll end up in hospital.

Can you have someone with you when you tell him to leave right through to when he is gone and the locks are changed?

Call the police today, tell them that tomorrow you will tell your boyfriend he has to move out and he has previously beat you up.

This is a very dangerous time for you.

Save yourself lovely, he needs professional help and a partner is not the right person to give that. Sorry xx

The things that are stopping me from leaving him, as usual are pitty, I feel sorry for him AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! I can't shake it! He's had a hard life I'm not going to lie, full of pain, death and abuse and I feel if I leave I'll add another layer of hurt onto his already shattered heart.

So rather than appreciate love and kindness where he finds it, he crushes it, batters it and demeans it?

This man changed when you told him to - so he knows full well what he has been doing.

He changed his form of abuse, he didn't stop being abusive, just modified it.

they never change, they abuse however they can, they get off on the power exchange

Feel sorry, it's natural to do so - but feel sorry for YOURSELF, you are the one here who gave your all and he trashed it because it gave him pleasure to do so.

your relationship is 100% dead. there is absolutley no going back to the good times, because they were all a lie, a fake future he showed you to get you where he needed you to be, as his victim.

Whatever you have to do to get away from him, do it. nod and look sad if you need to, but don't ever allow anyone or anything to divert you from getting away from this abuser.

*but I don't FULLY trust him if I'm honest (with regards to the violence)
*
There! There you go! That's your answer. Leave him. Don't look back.

Just another saying kick him to the kerb. 33% of female murder victims in the UK were killed by their domestic partner. No one ever truly thinks it'll happen until it does. He's turned it around at the moment to try and regain control. If he feels like he's got you back, the abuse will return.

I'm actually scared for you reading this OP. I think women are almost conditioned to minimise male violence.

Would you ever leave a dog alone with a baby? Of course not, the risks aren't worth it right? Yet dogs only kill around 3-4 people a year. Meanwhile 2 women every week are murdered by their male partners, the risk is much higher from men than it is from dogs. You need to take this much more seriously.

This is a man who concussed you, and that wasn't because he couldn't control himself, because clearly he CAN control himself when he wants to. The fact is he CHOOSE to beat you, and he can make that choice again.

Thank you everyone.

I'm really confused. Have I really been minimising this behaviour so much I can't see it? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'm not going to lie, I'm to weak to leave, I'm too much of a coward.
Can I seek help to leave??? I know my future self will thank me I KNOW THAT.

Also, why do I not feel scared?
Your all pointing to this man being this and that but why do I not see/feel it?

27 is not late to start again at all!

OP you have only known this man 2 years and you're saying he hasn't been violent in 1 year. Have a think about that? He spent the 1st year of a brand new relationship assaulting you THREE times too many! 50% of your relationship has been marred with physical abuse.

Would you still pity him if he attacked a woman on street 3 times? Would you pity a man who left a friend or a female relative of yours concussed?
If he was actually honest about changing and felt any remorse he'd be thoroughly disgusted with himself and leave the relationship. He'd be too ashamed by his behaviour to be around you. He'd willingly leave you in peace as he'd realise you deserved better than the abuse he dished out.
You are worth more that this disgrace of a man who should have been arrested and charged with 3 counts of assault.

Because you are in the thick of it.
You have scales covering your eyes.
I'm sure you could see it all when you were bruised and in hospital.
Let those scales fall.
Confide in your parents.
Get their help to get him gone.

"3 occasions he attacked me until on the last one I suffered a concussion and I said "get the fuck out of my house". He begged and pleaded and cried and said he would change. He did"

He did change - he saw that the physical abuse would get him swiftly kicked out so he changed it to the sulky, belittling, manipulating pity-me style of control. Its still control games though.

He belittles, manipulates and mocks, you walk on eggshells in your own home. he beats you & left you with concussion.
You know what you need to
So, do the classic, ask what you would say to your daughter if she was in this relationship.
Please be VERY careful when you tell him to leave, you should probably not be alone. there is a very high risk he gets violent.

His begging and pleading and suicide threats and self-pity for moving his life to be with you - all of that centres on him.
There's no mention of him wanting to do anything good for you, only of what he wants for himself.
Get your parents' support and help, if needed, and get rid of this selfish guy.

There's no mention of him wanting to do anything good for you,

Good point.

I was coming on to say what @StormTreader said and I 100% agree with her.

And to add he will wear you down again and the physical abuse will happen again, he just waiting to get you in a position where you have no other support.

Oh and the threats of suicide, say fine, I'm calling the police and an ambulance/101 etc. And walk away.

One last point plenty of people have horrific childhoods, there are stories on here that may you wonder about the human race, but oddly enough (most)women who have been sexually assaulted/raped and beaten from childhood tend not to beat their partners to the point of concussion.

I am sorry he had a horrible childhood that has left him with PTSD; but that doesn't give him the right to destroy your life

I can't say it any better than Gloryificus. Leave now. Leave forever. An abusive relationship of any type cannot and should not be salvaged. Run as fast as you can and then if I were you I'd try and stay single for a significant period of time, until at the very least you've had some counsilling or done the freedom program.

the pity party is part of the cycle of abuse,
its the script.
He abuses, he pushes to far, he apologises & behaves for a while, he abuses again, you tell him to leave, he does the pity party script, you give in,
& back to the start

For help to leave talk to Women's Aid.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That.

I'm sure other people will have recommendations too.

Thanks all again ♥️

"Would you still pity him if he attacked a woman on street 3 times? Would you pity a man who left a friend or a female relative of yours concussed?
If he was actually honest about changing and felt any remorse he'd be thoroughly disgusted with himself and leave the relationship. He'd be too ashamed by his behaviour to be around you"

No I definitely wouldn't pity him on the points raised.
He is thoroughly discusted with himself, I'm not even allowed to mention it to him (well wasn't, I am doing so now to explain why I feel pushed away).

Please be assured I'm reading every single one over and over again to try and remove my blinkers XXX

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all ♥️♥️