How many people are having affairs?

[wondering79]

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

A late friend, who died recently aged 60, was in a relationship with a married man for 35 years. He bought her Xmas & birthday gifts and would occasionally stay the night - she accepted from the outset that he would never leave his wife, being a 'devoted' husband and granddad. And to be honest I'm not sure if she wanted him full-time.

At her funeral he sat at the back and left straight afterwards.

She remained single and childless.

The question is why is there a need for deceit? If you no longer want that relationship with your OH - why is it OK for you to have it with someone else but not for them? It’s like agreeing to both go on hunger strike for some cause and then stuff your face in secret as you watch them become thin and starve. It’s the deceit that is dispicable.
And once in a second relationship it acts like any drug. At first it gives you a little taste of heaven. And then you need more for the same effect. And then you need it just to feel OK. And you will end up sacrificing all your other relationships. And it can end up taking everything from you - your home, your family, your life. Because in most cases - sooner or later - your habit will be discovered. And the crushing realisation of what you have done, how you’ve betrayed, and who you are, is something you maybnever fully get over.
Trying to normalise something harmful and wrong is what happens early on - that, OP, is where you are at the moment.

For those having affairs what would you say to your heartbroken daughters (or imagine it) if they ended up on the shit side of this situation and the affair partner didnt feel enough guilt to stop? Obviously, the partner is to blame but if someone knows about the wife and kids they are also to blame

Deceit is not good, and there is far too much of it in the world. But elements of our culture, including both condemnation of ourselves and others' behaviour, and deceit/delusion about the permanence and nature of human relationships, are as much part of the destructive forces of affairs as the affairs themselves. Focusing on the specific lies related to an individual affair is simplistic, and damning the individuals involved is short-sighted. IMHO.

I think a lot more people have affairs than many women on MN realise.
Over the years I've been propositioned by married men (one took his ring off but had a tan line) I got involved with a man for 3 months who was living with his partner, I only found out when my DD befriended his DS on Facebook. I ended the relationship immediately and he couldn't understand why. There were no red flags, he was always available to talk anytime of the day or night, he used to text good morning and goodnight and had plenty of free time when he wasn't working.
In those 3 months I didn't visit his house because DS was small and DD a rebellious teen so it seemed easier for him to come to me (he lived 16 miles away)
I've since found out I wasn't his first affair and certainly not his last.
In my experience a lot of men would have a 'one off' given the opportunity and many would have affairs.
I'm single at the moment but chatting to what seems like a nice man who I'm meeting Friday for dinner, i have made sure that he is most definitely single.
If I ever get into a long term relationship again I will always be on my toes because I know it does happen and happens a lot more than people realise.

. Focusing on the specific lies related to an individual affair is simplistic, and damning the individuals involved is short-sighted. IMHO.

Well seeing as affairs are built on lies, how can that be simplistic?

Err - so what you are saying namechanger is that because of our culture we deceive ourselves into thinking that marriages should last for ever when many don’t - so it’s not bad to deceive the person we sleep next to? Wtf?

I used to think no, even though my dad did it to my mum.

But I think it happens a lot. Maybe not full affairs but frissons and snogging and Xmas party liaisons.

Two colleagues did this at our Xmas party. Both seemingly happily married with babies. Drunken disrespectful arseholes IMHO but I say that as someone who has to grow up with it

It doesn't really matter whether it happens a lot or not, in my view, as it is still behaviour which ends up hurting a lot of people and as such will never feel acceptable to the ones involved..

My husband and I never cheated on each other, we have been married 14 years. I hope that we will have enough respect for each other never to lie and cheat..

I wish I hadn't tortured myself reading this thread. Found out about my husband's affair a few weeks ago. Life is shit. My life is ruined. If I didn't have children, I would have killed myself by now.

The glibness of your post is in poor taste. Whether you think your personal circumstances justify your actions (they don't though fyi) or not, don't come on here being all casual like "I'm having an affair, anyone else??" like it's fucking dinner party conversation, or it's a trivial matter. It is never trivial.

BitSuss8888

I wish I hadn't tortured myself reading this thread. Found out about my husband's affair a few weeks ago. Life is shit. My life is ruined. If I didn't have children, I would have killed myself by now.

The glibness of your post is in poor taste. Whether you think your personal circumstances justify your actions (they don't though fyi) or not, don't come on here being all casual like "I'm having an affair, anyone else??" like it's fucking dinner party conversation, or it's a trivial matter. It is never trivial

^This^

Bitsuss I’m so sorry - and what you are going through is HELL - please please don’t think it’s a reflection on your worth or your life choices. It really isn’t!! Betrayal and deceit from the person closest to you cuts so deep. But don’t let the pain change who you are. You will be happy again 💐💐

And by the way - drunken one night arsehole behaviour is just that - but it’s then a one off - it’s not quite the same as an affair. It just stems from the same entitled disrespectful mindset.

BitSuss, sorry I don't think there was a way I could have worded it that wouldn't have bothered people affected by affairs. There's numerous threads on here I don't open because of the subject title. It was posted purely out of interest.

MzCracker. Posted what I needed to. Is there anything specific you'd like to know? I didn't want the last to be about me hence why I just gave the info I did.

"The glibness of your post is in poor taste."

Yes, I think that is what bothers me. It's assuming that cheating is a victim-less action. I think it also encouraged some of the more unsavoury responses along the lines of 'shit happens, deal with it' . Cheating is cruel and does so much damage. And it is a choice. It's not an act of god, it's a human decision. If you choose to cheat, own that it's a crappy thing to do, own that you are causing pain by your deliberate actions. There may be a million reasons to end a relationship but a million excuses to have an affair.

Believe I've been there and it would have been so easy to just step off the edge but I didn't. DH has been there and he did. It hurt me beyond belief. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

With respect, IrianofW, there are very few actions that are 'victimless' or have zero impact on other people and people do them anyway because people instinctively do what they want to or what is in theirs/their family's interests. People are, with very few exceptions, inherently selfish.

Nobody on this thread has been a cheerleader for having an affair and that's possibly why those who would been affected by the contents of the thread have had the sense to stay off it.

Self-preservation is more important than saying your piece and suffering for the sake of it. There are dozens of threads that I find utterly distasteful and they're there forever. The only thing I can do is hide them and I do.

This is never going to be a palatable topic of conversation for some posters but it's still valid.

Err - so what you are saying namechanger is that because of our culture we deceive ourselves into thinking that marriages should last for ever when many don’t - so it’s not bad to deceive the person we sleep next to? Wtf?

No, Dada.
I'm saying that we deceive ourselves that we can ever truly know and predict another person (when in reality we can't even fully know/predict ourselves); build an illusion of them in our heads; see what we want to see via our giant egos. This creates a backdrop for huge shock, hurt and anger/condemnation when it doesn't match the societal and individual "shoulds" we construct.

I get what NCNCNC is saying. I ended a long term relationship many years ago after I kissed someone else. By definition I had cheated.

I have never had an EA or long term affair though, however I know a few men and women who have had affairs and ONS's - with females more likely to cheat in my group (probably because I have more female friends and acquaintances). Some were unhappy and one or two weren't particularly unhappy, they just took up opportunities because they could. I honestly don't know if any of my many partners ever cheated on me, if any did I'm glad that I never found out, as it doesn't matter to me now.

It really isn't b&w.

BitSuss I agree with you and I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through. Those first few weeks after finding out are absolute hell. I’m nearly four months out now and it is easier.

There is a thread on here called Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party if you ever want support from others going through something similar.

I actually think your a disgrace for posting this let alone havjng affair! Basically trying to normalise the whole thing and have cosy chats. Taunting people have suffered deeply from affairs!

Also yeah I do think it's completely black and white.
Unless you're in an extremely abusive relationship you can't break free from.
You're either an arse or you aren't. Nothing else to it.

Thatsquiteenough, please stop telling other people that they are stupid or wrong.

SOME people do know their partners have never had an affair. Some also know their partners will never have an affair.

You don't know my husband do you? I can assure you I am 100% certain he has not been unfaithful in our 39 years of marriage. I am also certain he will not be unfaithful for the rest of our lives.

I know exactly how he feels about affairs and what strong morals he has.

It's perfectly possible not to have an affair. We may be animals but we do have a brain and are just as capable of not doing certain things as we are of doing other things.

People who say "I didn't mean for it to happen" make me sick. Did their clothes magically fly off? Did they suddenly find themselves in bed with another person? Pathetic

mydogisthebest I agree with you.
Morals spring to mind. This whole thread is fucking pathetic!

If people slowly deceptively poison their relationship- all the while claiming that they are doing the opposite- seek to be trusted when they are betraying - lie, gaslight - that’s not just part of the human condition! Of course people can make mistakes, succumb to temptation and either feel remorseful and seek forgiveness or realise that their relationship is untenable as a consequence.
What you cannot normalise is a full blown affair - on the basis that everyone is shitty selfish lying and treacherous. That is the most dismal philosophy and justifies the most syndical relationships - either one person is being fooled or you are both deceiving each other or both are just maintaining a pretence.

• cynical relationships

everyone is shitty selfish lying and treacherous

Nope. Not at all. We're just people. Rarely, IMHO, does someone want to lie, deceive and cheat. People's feelings are complex, and when a person's feelings and attachments start to involve more than one other, in contrast with what we've been told is right and proper, people go into a tailspin and can't seem to/don't know whether to come clean about it, etc. Because we're told it's wrong, not to be tolerated, bad, etc. Which drives people into deep, painful, underground activity, ultimately causing everyone more hurt. They very fact it is so common points to the notion that it's not just perpetrated by evil individuals. Rarely do people set out to cause each other pain.