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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many people are having affairs?

312 replies

wondering79 · 27/03/2018 20:43

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

OP posts:
Raven88 · 27/03/2018 23:19

I couldn't do it. I think it's selfish and would rather be honest if I wasn't happy in my marriage.

If you are having an affair why not leave the person you are cheating on. Why not let your partner go and find someone who deserves them?

Steeley113 · 27/03/2018 23:19

I’ve had 2 emotional affairs in quick succession following a bad patch. They were more to give me the attention I craved from DH. When DH found out, seeing him so broken made me realise what I was doing, however I do believe they helped us make our relationship better. He realised that I wasn’t this loyal girl besotted by him and he did have to make an effort.

Pasithea · 27/03/2018 23:24

I know someone who has been having one for eleven years Shock

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 27/03/2018 23:25

I honestly couldn't be bothered with the hassle of an affair. I'm busy enough to struggle to find time for one bloke in my life, never mind the hassle of two!

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/03/2018 23:29

good god, why would you do that to someone you love!?

Scornedwoman67 · 27/03/2018 23:41

Not common amongst people who have any idea how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of deception, I wouldn't have thought.

BonnieF · 27/03/2018 23:54

Been there, done that. I was the OW, his wife was my friend. No kids involved, thankfully. It ended very, very, very badly.

Never, ever again.

DollyDayScream · 28/03/2018 09:01

Cheating is probably more common than most of us would like to think.

I can see why it happens. Boredom from the monotony on routine family life, needing something secret for oneself.

However, I have to wonder what would be left after? Even if you "get away with it", you are living a lie because if your (cheated on) partner had the full information they might not want to be with you anymore. So you're not only cheating on then with someone else, you're also cheating them out of the chance to live their life as they would choose to.

ShatnersWig · 28/03/2018 09:07

I know a few people who have admitted to having cheated on their married partners. And they've all been women.

Onelasttime94 · 28/03/2018 09:14

This thread is quite literally unbelievable Shock

Latitia · 28/03/2018 09:30

3 out of 4 of my relationships ended due to partners cheating on me. It made me wonder for a while what was wrong with me; an attractive, kind, loyal woman. Was that not enough?

Each time however, I did suspect that something was going on. Current DP wouldn't cheat, I just know it. He has been cheated on and it broke his heart. He's still hurt by it even though it happened years ago.

You can move on, despise the cheater, have zero feelings left for them, but the pain of betrayal really does linger. You become paranoid. You struggle to enter in to new relationships wholeheartedly in case they stray. You end up with depression. Low self esteem. PTSD. Shall I continue?

My point? Unless you have justifiable reason to cheat (domestic abuse being one of them), you are committing a horrible, horrible act that not only destroys relationships, but leaves people with commitment and self-esteem issues for a very long time.

You can't come on mn, tell everyone you are having an affair then ask not to be judged. Trust me, we are all judging you.

The answer to your question? Yes, there are a lot of people like you out there, unfortunately.

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 28/03/2018 09:34

I know of quite a few, OP, though couldn't put a percentage to it.

All the people saying "I know none. I don't know/tolerate those kinds of people"... I strongly suspect it's more the case that people don't confide in you about them because they know you'd condemn it. All kinds of people can make mistakes, whatever they think before it happens.

Chocolate123 · 28/03/2018 09:46

No matter how many are having affairs it doesn't make it right. Affairs ruin lives no excuses.

Original poster
wondering79 · 28/03/2018 10:02

Onelasttime, not unbelievable, totally real life and I bet there's a lot more wine read it but just not commented about theirs.

People don't always talk about it to their friends, I wouldn't. But doesn't mean it's not happening or happened.

Laticia, domestic abuse makes an affair justifiable, that's really interesting. Great to get all these points of view.

OP posts:
Onelasttime94 · 28/03/2018 10:06

Real life for arseholes maybe

Thatsquiteenough · 28/03/2018 10:11

Given the number of " happily married men" who wanted a discreet shag the second my wedding ring was taken off, I'd say loads.

Their wives would all tell you they would never DREAM of even LOOKING at another woman, however....

Latitia · 28/03/2018 10:15

@wondering79 yes. Abuse sufferers are made to feel worthless. Their self esteem destroyed and their lives lived in fear. The one person who is supposed to love them is the one person who hurts them, physically and emotionally. A new love interest can literally be life saving. Many people never leave their abusers because they are made to feel so unworthy that nobody could possibly love them. An affair can change this. This is my opinion and people are welcome to disagree.

Latitia · 28/03/2018 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

Latitia · 28/03/2018 10:15

Apologies, double post.

Thatsquiteenough · 28/03/2018 10:18

It is unpalatable to think that any relationship is vulnerable to cheating but that is, sadly , generally the case.

It could happen to any one of us. It does happen to someone. every day.

It happens ALL THE TIME. That certainly doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make it untrue.

Newerversion · 28/03/2018 10:28

I have known quite a few people who cheated on partners, either in an affair or a one night stand or the vulgar act of paying for sex. I have enjoyed watching karma creep up on a couple of them. Destroying another person the way cheating can, is unforgivable.
If you are in such a position that you feel you need to be with another person then at least have the courage to end your relationship.

Thatsquiteenough · 28/03/2018 10:52

There is NO such thing as karma in this sense FFS.

EenaMinaMoe · 28/03/2018 10:54

I think more people have been involved in an affair at some point, from one side or another, than have not. In my experience it's definitely a minority of people who have never cheated/been cheated on/been third partner. I'm not convinced humans are naturally very good at long term monogamy.

mydogisthebest · 28/03/2018 11:03

I have never cheated nor will I ever. I think it is totally wrong to cheat on someone that you love and respect

numptynuts · 28/03/2018 11:07

Abuse sufferers are made to feel worthless. Their self esteem destroyed and their lives lived in fear. The one person who is supposed to love them is the one person who hurts them, physically and emotionally. A new love interest can literally be life saving. Many people never leave their abusers because they are made to feel so unworthy that nobody could possibly love them. An affair can change this. This is my opinion and people are welcome to disagree.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.