How many people are having affairs?

[wondering79]

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

It's a cop-out, I think, to do the "that's bad, that's good" game. It diminishes us all.

Absolutely, NameChange. I can totally understand the reasons for the bitterness and black and white thinking but it's not helpful, doesn't address the issue - and changes nothing.

It’s also so tiresome that some people are so unprepared to listen to the reasons that affairs happen because they’ve decided it’s just “ badness” or lack of self control. The fact that a person hasn’t found themselves in a situation where they have been tempted to cheat does not necessarily point to superior moral standards. Just potentially that they have a fortuitous set of circumstances.

I've obviously nc but I'm in this position. Been married a long time and felt rejected, unattractive and my dh is impotent but doesn't bother to take the medication. There has been bullying and abuse from him and he is controlling. Dc have left Home.

Formed a close friendship with a guy but haven't met up due to where we live. He makes me feel wonderful. I may want to separate from my dh but it's more the financial side.

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I've had a choice to stop it but I feel alive

It is never , ever black and white.

Humans are complex, life is tangled.

Sometimes good people do bad things .

The older I get the more sure I am that humans are fundamentally flawed and that most of us are just doing our best. I don't judge.

lovely true, sadly so true.

Namechange - this isn’t about the subtleties of human frailty or the shades of grey around moral questions. This is about whether it is acceptable - from a moral perspective - to deceive someone into believing they have a faithful partner when you are consciously actively consistently cheating on them by having another sexual relationship?
And second question - quite genuinely- should you really be with a person you are actively consistently cheating on?
It’s not the fact that people are attracted to others -or that they act on it -or that they are ‘confused’ by the fact that they shouldn’t! It’s the fact that they continue to deceive to protect themselves (eating and having their cake) while denying the freedom to choose for their betrayed partner.
Oh and it’s certainly not ‘can we ever truly know someone, can we ever know ourselves, can you step in the same stream twice?’ kind of dilemma. Knowing you are doing the wrong thing is enough - breaking a trust and repeatedly making a mug out of the person that trusts you most - is not some kind of crippling moral dilemma. What’s in the balance here is one person’s selfish desire to steal from another. It’s that simple!

And no Lovelydearie - not everyone is ‘just doing their best’ - whether someone deserved understanding and forgiveness is completely different to whether it’s OK to accept what they have done!! You are morally illiterate if you think that there is no such thing as a harmful act.

I know of six people. Aged between 35 and 45. Some married some not. I think lots of people would be surprised how much it goes on.
In this digital age it is extremely easy.

Also having recently been online dating, the amount of married men on there is quite shocking 😳

Focusing on the specific lies related to an individual affair is simplistic, and damning the individuals involved is short-sighted. IMHO
But each affair is about the specific lies, that individual circumstance. You can debate about monogamy, open marriages etc and that's fine but that woman in the STI clinic because her partner cheated, the guy looking at his kids and working out the dates of their conception, the individuals who are betrayed and hurt - that's what matters.

I cheated on my second boyfriend with my first boyfriend many years ago, the day after it was full sex I broke up with the current guy. I understood that of I could do that against his knowledge then that wasn't the right relationship for me. He'd been cheating on me sexually for several months so I found out later so clearly things were very wrong. But it's only our specific lies and deceit that mattered, not the general theory on relationships

I think Dadaist makes a good point that it is perfectly possibly to understand that we can all make mistakes and bad errors of judgement and even in some cases forgive, but whether a partner chooses longterm to accept and live with this and move on is a totally different thing, the problem is that stuff is indeed often 'grey' but our feelings and responses often are not.

Forgiveness is in the hands of the person betrayed - and remorse is usually a huge part of whether forgiveness is possible.
A shrug of the shoulders and - ‘I’m only human -loads if other people have done this- shit happens’ hardly invites compassion for the wrong doer! And it is wrong to cheat, lie and deceive the person we are supposed to love. Some are big lies some are small - an affair is huge!!

I came from a divorced family through cheating and hated my childhood. My DF found out about my DMs affair and left her. It was not amicible and was horrendous.

I have 2 DDs and a husband.

Once a year for the past 11 years my ex (from when I was early 20s) comes into the country to visit his DM. I spend 2-3 days with him in a hotel or we fly off for the weekend. Husband thinks I’m with my friend. She doesn’t have a clue she’s the alibi. Nobody knows about it. We both then go back to our own lives (he’s career driven - single with no kids). I love the ex and always will but our lives just don’t match. He’s very wealthy and has offered to take care of me and my DC but it’s not something I could do (take the DC away from their dad). Plus I wouldn’t take his money to support me and DC (I couldn’t work in the country he lives in).

I stay with my DH because I do love him, we have a lovely life, our DC are happy and stable. I just have one, very selfish, weekend a year to myself where none of that exists. I do everything at home - housework, wifework, DC care, DH care. That weekend is just a release. DH has never suspected and never asked. He has full access to my phone and laptop etc. Me and the ex are platonic in exchanges and never even mention it until in person (not preplanned, just how it works).

Wow tensofthousands - that’s quite a story _and thank you for sharing.
I guess it leaves a lot of questions - you obviously feel trapped in your marriage - are in love with your ex - who you can’t allow yourself to have (I’m not sure he would turn his life upside down for you?!)
But ultimately it’s fairly obvious you feel dissatisfied with your marriage and your husband - who you cuckhold without much apparent remorse. My question is - do you really think this annual arrangement doesn’t affect your marriage the rest of the year. Can you say you respect and admire your husband? Does he think you do? Are you fooling him into thinking that - and can’t he tell something isn’t right? Doesn’t he get angry for no reason on occasion? So many questions - I’m genuinely interested. Thanks for your honesty.

@dadaist I will try to answer as best I can :).

Ex says he would give his life abroad up if I wanted to be together but, truth be told, I don’t want him to. And I don’t know if he would actually go through with it. But it’s too big a risk for me. And I don’t want to take my children away from their dad and Home (we would have to move 4 hours north to London to accommodate ex’s job).

I can see it’s extremely wrong and a dangerous game. However I do feel little remorse. Which is odd as I am a functioning sensitive “normal” person. I am a member of the PTA, I remember peoples birthdays. Probably the last person you would expect.

I think it does affect us, but In a wierd way. I would never say “In a good way” because it’s not good. But I don’t expect things or nag DH for things. I never feel jealous or suspicion over his “overnight business meetings” and client wining and dining. Or the fact he regularly hires 18 year old female PAs and throws away the CVs of the older ladies without a second glance. I genuinely don’t care about what he does in that respect. (To be fair I don’t have a right to!)

I do think I respect and admire him as a father and husband. He does his best and we both “play our roles”. I host work dinners for him, wave him off on his boys trips and business trips (while I know his business partners wives frequently go mad about them going). I take Easter cookies into the office for all the staff and sort their xmas gifts. I host his family for all events (xmas dinner for 14 is not easy!). I do everything for our children - from daily 3 healthy meals to home made Christmas nativity outfits and Halloween costumes.

I make sure he doesn’t even see their birthday and Christmas lists (so it’s not a worry to him or a job) but they get everything on them. I make all his meals, take his suits to the dry cleaners, remember his PAs birthday. Everything.

No, I don’t think he suspects. He’s a very “to the point” person. He would ask if he knew. Or he would have told me - just to let me know he knew. When I go away he says goodbye and then when I come back it’s usually met with a “did you have a nice time?” It’s met with a “yes, was good to get away” and then typically I go to bed (train gets me home around 11pm). He’s then off to work and the subject is never broached again. Exactly the same as if I went to my sisters or anywhere else.

He never gets angry. We don’t actually argue. Ever. Writing this I realise that’s because we play our parts so well. There’s no raw emotion there left. It’s an act. His business persona and his own in-family reputation requires my act and my lifestyle requires his I guess.

Maybe without my weekend I would need more from him and get angry. His staying out till 9pm working wouldn’t fly anymore. Or his weekends abroad where I don’t even care to ask what hotel he’s staying in, maybe would change. (For safety his PA has all that info so I can get hold of him if needed so it’s not like he just disappears).

However I can honestly say, if the DDs were not here, I would have left years ago.

Ah - I guess I suppose you answer my question. You see earlier in this thread I’d suggested that either one person is being fooled, both are fooling each other, or one or both are maintaining a facade.
Where I do think it matters is that I doubt there is genuine love or affection in small ways that reveal who we are to each other. Do either of you touch the other when passing behind them, out your arms around the other when cooking or washing up, curl into the other watching tv? Leave notes for each other? I think these small things are what reveal to children that their parents love each other more than the duties.
I do feel for you because you obviously suspect he dalliances - it’s hardened your heart and you would leave him were it not for your children. You aren’t sure you can trust the person you sleep next to and you know he can’t trust you. But because of the children you feel trapped. Is that about right?
Perhaps - if you could be honest with each other - perhaps you could forgive each other and truly reconnect? I’m guessing you would feel so much happier. You said you love him - but it sounds as though you lovED him - and something went wrong - and now you both go through the motions.
You sound like an amazing woman - and I’m so sorry your life is so full of duty it leaves you empty. It’s like you and your DH are both stealing huge amounts from each other. If he truly cared he’d ask you more about your day - your world - and he’d know wouldn’t he?

And THANK YOU for sharing - you don’t deserve to feel so reduced to that one weekend a year.
Do you think anything will change for you?

Dh and I were both in long-term relationships in our early to mid-twenties and both cheated on our other halves (not with each other). Each of us ended that relationship as a result and then suffered years of self-loathing and guilt - really bad times in which we both believed that we didn't deserve to ever find love or even be with a decent person ever again. We then met and started seeing each other and have now been together for 7 years and married for 4. I won't say it's impossible but I think that neither of us is likely to cheat again - we remember how awful it was!

Where I do think it matters is that I doubt there is genuine love or affection in small ways that reveal who we are to each other. Do either of you touch the other when passing behind them, out your arms around the other when cooking or washing up, curl into the other watching tv? Leave notes for each other? I think these small things are what reveal to children that their parents love each other more than the duties.

But sometimes there isn’t that regardless of any affair. I’m not having an affair, I don’t think dh is but we show no signs of affection to each other and haven’t done for 15 years plus. He ignores me and lives as a single man, doing his own thing with friends without informing me. Do I feel trapped because of dc and finances? Very much so.

No MrsJoshDun - lack of affection is not always a sign or consequence of an affair - often the other way about perhaps - a loveless marriage or lack of affection and kindness leads to an affair, as we can crave these things.
It’s more about whether an affair is ever a genuinely sustainable arrangement when someone says they are in one but ‘love’ their DH or DW?
And there are those who say it’s impossible but others (on this thread) talking of affairs lasting years and years with other half completely unaware, and others saying it’s harmless or why judge, human nature etc etc.
I just think the perpetual deceit of an affair (not so much a one off encounter) erodes the primary relationship, and keeps the affair relationship in a sort of fantasy land. And it is wrong because it robs people of their lives - firstly the betrayed partner who has no choice -and often - as in the case of Tensofthiusands - whose DH seems to have his own distractions - it robs two people of something more genuine. Unspoken, pitiless facades can also harm people - and families - just a complete disconnect that creates something cold, empty or illusory. Just my opinion.

Well coming from a broken relationship as my ex is a cheat and cheated on everyone but he thought it was okay to have a child and cheat I think your messed up
Why cheat just be single
Cheating can effect your partners mental health confidence break they’re heart ruin families and lives.
Selfish people cheat no reason to be in a relationship if you need sex and attention else where.