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Original poster

How many people are having affairs?

312 replies

wondering79 · 27/03/2018 20:43

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

OP posts:
TM71 · 03/04/2018 13:46

As someone who had been cheated on numerous times by various partners it is demoralising, I lost my confidence and had a nervous breakdown because I just did not feel good enough. I was single for 6 years, actually prepared myself mentally to never ever meet someone again or dare go into a relationship as I did not want to get hurt again.

I met a wonderful man who was patient, persevered for 6 months before I agreed to go on a date with him and 4 years later, we are living together and he makes me feel like a queen but..

I still have no confidence in myself and am constantly questioning why he is with me which has put a strain on our relationship at times.

Think before you feel like f@cking up someone elses life, I doubt you would appreciate it happening to you. People who do this to others and enjoy doing it deserve the same treatment in return. IMO

WiseOldBird · 03/04/2018 13:53

Are you a journalist OP? Or an author?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/04/2018 14:13

There was a thread last year titled something like “change your name and tell us a secret” and it was astonishing how many people admitted to having affairs.

Trooperslane2 · 03/04/2018 14:15

Nobody I know.

I would never, ever. Not in a million years.

The ultimate betrayal of my values and of who I am.

No. Way.

Sosog00d · 03/04/2018 14:28

I had a brief emotional affair after my sexless marriage ended. I was in an horrifically vulnerable place.

I've not been propositioned by anyone since though. Probably because I'm fat and ugly.

I think I'm most aggravated at all the facades out there. I've needs too, have done for a long time and they're still not being met.

I couldn't countenance the possibility of breaking up a family by having an affair, now that I've gotten through my marriage ending. There was no cheating that I'm aware of, at least not on my part.

I sometimes wished ex would cheat so that I had sthg concrete to end the marriage over, instead of years of passive aggression and resentment on his part, which felt like a non-reason. However that would have added to the pain and suffering.

Huntinginthedark · 03/04/2018 14:29

this is very depressing. but much of life is

My parents both cheated and I'm sure they knew about each other. They thought we didnt know, but we did, it was bloody obvious. They clearly thought that little bit of love and affection they got from someone else would sustain them through their shit marriage. It didnt work, it never really works. Good thing to teach your kids though!
And they wonder why they have such a shit relationship with all their children

CurlyRover · 03/04/2018 14:40

I cheated on my (now ex) fiance about 9 years ago over a period of about 3 months. Ex was abusing me and I don't think I would've found the strength to leave him if it wasn't for the relationship I had formed with the other guy.

I haven't cheated on anyone since and I wouldn't cheat on DP. I would rather be honest with DP if our relationship was bad than to cheat on him. I know you can't ever know that a person wouldn't cheat on you, but I really don't think DP would cheat on me either.

Pigwitch · 03/04/2018 14:51

I couldn't do it.
I would feel like I was cheating on my DC's as well as my DH.
I decided to create this family by getting married and having children - I couldn't just shit all over them by shagging someone else.

Original poster
wondering79 · 03/04/2018 15:02

Tensofthousands. Wow that's a long time! Do you have much contact rest of the year? Must be really something to have been going for so long?!

WiseOldBird. No I'm not a journalist or author. Just a mumsnetter doing what a gazillion others do and wondered if there were many others in similar position. And there is!

PigWitch, I understand where you're coming from. Weirdly I don't feel guilt towards my children about my affair. It makes me a much happier person and a better mum to them as I can release my stress. Yes there is deceit and my oh would be upset if he found out. But without going into detail there are many reasons why these things can happen, and not every marriage or person is always as straight forward as they appear.

OP posts:
ontheabyss · 03/04/2018 15:22

I resisted for a long time but it has hit me like a tornado.
I haven't been happy for years' in my marriage but was intending to keep persevering

Dadaist · 03/04/2018 18:07

OP - you do come across as being very self satisfied with your choice to betray your partner. As if you are simply ‘comparing notes’?
I wonder whether your affair affects your relationship? If you feel trapped? And what you will do if/when you are discovered. Will you wail and cry and beg forgiveness - or simply walk away? Will you leave your children?.
The point about the effect on your children refers to their understanding of you and their future relationship with you if they see your affair as having destroyed their family - it’s really not about how it makes you happy which helps you be nice to them right now!

Most cheaters don’t believe they will get caught out (or they wouldn’t do it) - but most do get caught. Do you have a plan?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2018 18:17

Op it reads like you got a fun hobby and want to compare notes
I've been scrapbooking for a while, it means time away from the kids but I don't feel guilt towards my children - It makes me a much happier person and a better mum to them as I can release my stress.
DH doesn't know what it costs - Yes there is deceit and my oh would be upset if he found out. But you know, I'm not actually alone. I wondered if there were many others in similar position. And there is!
Go me!!

ToBeyoncesLeftLove · 03/04/2018 18:48

I'd love to have an affair. I just cannot bring myself to do it. If I were caught, the thought of my children knowing. Sad
It's not I have much opportunity anyway.

TM71 · 03/04/2018 19:26

Can i ask all of you ladies who have admitted to cheating or wanting to cheat.

What if you were in what you considered a loving, happy relationship only to find out months down the line or years down the line that it was all a lie. That the man you adored who you thought respected you enough to remain faithful actually went behind your back and f@cked anything that moved with no consideration for you or any children you might have?

ontheabyss · 03/04/2018 20:05

It's not like that though. I love the man I'm involved with.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2018 20:27

But if you the love affair guy why not leave and be with him? Why live a lie which will come out at some point and hurt everyone?

ontheabyss · 03/04/2018 20:30

I'm seriously thinking about it

Original poster
wondering79 · 03/04/2018 21:08

Dadaist SleepingStandingUp. There's no way I can write it I'm afraid which doesn't come across badly as people see an affair as a bad thing. Not comparing notes at all, was just genuinely interested and it's been a very thought provoking thread to read everyones different opinions and views.

Dadaist, yes I do wonder if I got caught how my children would feel about me. Did you see the post from TensofThousands, 11 years and never been caught and no guilt as it makes life better for all of them. Not trying to compete as realise that's how it sounds but without outing myself or going into detail of my affair, right now it's what's happening and I like it. Everyone's situation is different.

OP posts:
IamAporcupine · 03/04/2018 22:23

Of course nothing is black or white and there are numerous reasons for cheating.
I cheated on two long term partners. The first time, as PP mentioned, I had not even realised that I was not happy until I met the OM. I told my DP, he forgave me and said to try again but it was too late as all this had made me realised I didn't want to be with him anymore.
The second time, I knew I was quite unhappy and a couple of months after meeting the OM I left my DP.

I can also sort of understand people being tempted by something different, a fling, someone giving you the attention you do not get at home, etc

What I do not understand at all is the prolonged deceit. Affairs that go on for years and years. And tbh, I doubt most of these cases are explained by 'it is not so easy to leave, you know'. I think the OP has in fact just said it, she likes it.
To me, is very much having their cake and eat it.

OP you sound very much like a friend of mine. She has been having an affair with a married man for 2-3 years now. She claims she is much more relaxed in her marriage and even her husband is happier, and I am Hmm.
We were talking recently, and she came up with exactly your same comments - wondering how many people would be actually having and affair and how many would not tell because an affair is seen as something bad.

Dadaist · 03/04/2018 23:08

Hi wondering79 - well tbh I’m surprised that’s what you took from tensofthousands post. Because the only reason she has not been caught is that her husband has no interest in her and is having his own affairs. She is in love with another man and she can’t have him and had been with him only eleven times in those eleven years! Her marriage is a facade.
Have you read up on ‘affair fog’? I think a lot of posters here think that’s what you are in - in that you aren’t really conscious of aspects of your life that don’t confirm that you should do what you want to do.
You didn’t answer about your current relationship with your partner for instance - is he also having an affair. Because if not then he’s going to know sooner or later Amy he? Or are you going overdrive in the art of deception? As I said in another post - it’s like a drug - it gives you a little taste of heaven - and you think you can handle it - and it drags you into hell and takes everything from you - your home, your joint income, your relationships, your children. And only then dies the fog begin to clear.

Dadaist · 03/04/2018 23:10

That’s the most familiar tale anyway (sorry about the typos).

Lovelydearie · 04/04/2018 07:48

We are in our early 50's.

Most of our friends and acquaintences are in relationships that are company at best, barely concealed tolerance at worst.

Little affection, even less sex.
They are tied by teens, mortgages and fear.

Utterly depressing . I actually dislike socialising with them.

PollyGasson24 · 04/04/2018 08:20

She has been having an affair with a married man for 2-3 years now. She claims she is much more relaxed in her marriage and even her husband is happier
I don't get it. How can someone cheat, then go back to their dp and behave completely normally, to the extent that their dp is happier!? Do they have no sense of guilt for all the deceit? Confused

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2018 08:47

I can only assume the DP is happier because the afa Shermaniring partner over compensates and turns a blind eye to their partners shenanigans

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2018 08:49

I can only assume the DP is happier because the affair-ing partner over compensates and turns a blind eye to their partners shenanigans