How many people are having affairs?

[wondering79]

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

I do think that people get trapped with kids and mortgages and fear
I guess everyone makes a deal, and it’s what you can survive without
Having an affair means you can get that bit of affection and physical connection

I find it very sad that people are so filled with fear that they never leave an unhappy marriage, or that their perception has changed so much over the years that they don’t even know what a happy relationship is, and they think everything is fine

When people write that their DP never would they're not commenting on the DP's intrinsic qualities but rather their capacity to select quality.

It is a comment about one's own skills.

And of course there is a tendency in humans to be overconfident about their skills.

*Can i ask all of you ladies who have admitted to cheating or wanting to cheat.

What if you were in what you considered a loving, happy relationship only to find out months down the line or years down the line that it was all a lie. That the man you adored who you thought respected you enough to remain faithful actually went behind your back and f@cked anything that moved with no consideration for you or any children you might have?*

To answer the pp - I would be absolutely gutted! But then I guess when I had an affair it wasn't in a happy, respected relationship. He didn't respect or love me he just used me.

I don't understand this either. Why not leave, if you are in an unhappy marriage?
I've never cheated. But I know quite a few people who have.

I don't understand this either. Why not leave, if you are in an unhappy marriage?

Most people don’t leave when they’ve been cheated on - at least not straight away.

If even THEY don’t leave, after being shat on from a great height, why would it be any easier for their partner to leave?

Stoic, I meant why does the cheater cheat? Why not leave if you are that unhappy?

Stoic, I meant why does the cheater cheat? Why not leave if you are that unhappy?

That’s what I answered. If people can’t even leave a cheater, why would anyone leave an OK marriage?

I think the reality re people who say ‘just leave,’ think that everyone who has an affair is sleeping with anyone and everyone that moves without any thought or consideration for their partner, whereas actually there is a huge amount of middle ground between that and the whole idea that the marriage was so bad that only an affair could provide the outcome.

It of course goes without saying that there are people who will sleep with anything and everything without any thought for either those they are married to or those they are having the affair with. But equally there are sometimes circumstances where meeting someone else is what leads to the realisation that the marriage is not in a happy place. And saying that meeting someone else led to the realisation the marriage was in a bad place doesn’t necessarily mean you condone having an affair or even that you will leave the marriage to be with the other party. But often it gives the individual the realisation that leaving is the only option.

And for people who say that the person should just leave, fact is that society does not support this notion. Society is not supportive of the idea that someone would put their children through the divorce process etc just because they are unhappy. It’s not a conscious thought to have an affair IMO, but it is certainly a conscious thought to stay in an unhappy marriage when you know that society as a whole won’t support your idea that it’s ok to leave an unhappy marriage without there being a concrete reason, and to bring children with you into that scenario.

People casually trot out the ltb line on MN for the most trivial of reasons. Fact is that unless there is serious abuse (usually physical) or an affair in the equation it is almost impossible to leave and to be permitted to own that decision.

How many times do we read on here that a partner has wanted out of a relationship because they are unhappy. Posters will almost unanimously refuse to believe that he just wants to leave and the ‘there will be an OW,’ expectation doesn’t take long to emerge.

I'm really sorry Crystal but I'm seriously struggling to understand/comprehend what you've just written.
I certainly don't hold the view the leaving is easy. On a practical level its very difficult. But from a emotional point of view, I personally don't know, but I can only assume that the severe pain of knowing that my husband had cheated on me, would eventually leave me so hurt and cold and unfeeling, that I would in the end, just have to leave, due to the loss of trust and other emotions.

I think thecrystal is right
It really is not seen by society as the right thing to do, to break up your family just because you’re unhappy.

most people, if you ask them will say they would sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their kids.

It’s a very complex issue. I have more of a problem with people who have an affair, love the OM or OW but still stay in their unhappy marriage, at the end of the day they think they’re doing it for the right reasons and they aren’t.

I also know women who have stayed with a cheater for completely the wrong reasons and have admitted that if he had left then they would have made their life miserable and stopped them seeing their children. That I also find incomprehensible

I’m of the school of thought that you have to let someone go if they don’t want to be with you, no matter how hard it is

But fear, obligation and guilt are the things that hold most people back in most areas of life

Mumsnet is really not the place to start a thread about affairs.... Lots of posters will get upset at the suggestion.

Actually I disagree, I think its is slightly more acceptable to leave, these days.
Staying for the kids?

What does that teach your children? That its expected that they too stay in a relationship that they are unhappy in? What image does that promote to your kids? That's what you want for them? To teach them that that is the ideal, that you want for them. Or course not.

Many kids pick up, as they get older, that all is not well, in their parents relationship.

So I cant see what 'staying for the kids', does, for anyone. husband unhappy. Wife unhappy. Kids being subjected to a family life and seeing their parents relationship, as not really right.

How is that good?

pp: TensOfThousands wrote: that her husband didn't suspect her of having an affair.
"He never gets angry. We don’t actually argue. Ever. Writing this I realise that’s because we play our parts so well. There’s no raw emotion there left. It’s an act. His business persona and his own in-family reputation requires my act and my lifestyle requires his I guess.

How is that ideal?

I honestly do not see that leaving someone even if you have children is not accepted.

It seems that just about anything is accepted and if I look around at friends, neighbours etc there are many that are separated, divorced, on 2nd marriage, on 3rd marriage, even a few on 4th marriage. Most people seem to think that is all perfectly acceptable, even maybe normal, now.

I do think it’s more accepted now to leave if you’re not happy

But I think a lot of people, unless their lives are really bad, can cope with just exsisting
Just talking about the kids and various house admin things and they persuade themselves it’s OK
and it’s better than being poor and not seeing your kids everyday, and if you don’t have to spend much time alone with your other half then it’s not that bad.

Sometimes people who have affairs only realise how unhappy they are when they’re in that situation.

Out with 8 friends last night. One has (is having ) an affair. No one else in our group ever has . Odds pretty low round my way. The person having the affair is miserable as well and has led to breakdown of her marriage and a huge amount of heartache.

Where I work it is accepted and people are often open about it to colleagues. We get lots of opportunities for overnight stays away so it is very easy.

Lots of insightful posts on this thread which makes a change given the topic.

I've had an affair (both married) and been an affair partner (me separated, him married). They were very different and a I think every relationship, whether an affair or not, is unique given that the individuals involved are unique

My affair was of the wake up call variety. I was unhappy and had been for a long time but fear, obligation & guilt kept me in my marriage, I hadn't even considered that ending it was an option. The affair was just sex, he was much younger than me and though I was hit hard with limerance I didn't even particularly like him. It lasted 6 weeks and I knew that it would happen again i.e. I would meet someone I was attracted to and want to act on it. I decided I needed to leave my marriage but it still took me two more years to do it.

The week before I told my then husband that I wanted a divorce a married ex-colleague who I was out for what I thought was a platonic lunch with told me h'd like to be more than friends. He didn't know I was about to leave my husband. He'd had a couple of purely sexual affairs that had probably enabled him to carry on in his marriage. He didn't think he was unhappy enough to leave and also suffered from FOG.

Long story short we fell in love and after a year he decided he was going to leave. It took another year for him to leave during which we were mainly low contact. Lots of heartache all round. I don't feel any guilt about how our relationship started and am open with people about it. They had no children, maybe I would have felt differently if they had, I like to think I would've never got involved with him if they had. But, I know he feels guilt as he knows he should've been stronger and ended his marriage sooner, the first time he found himself looking outside his marriage and that he put me through a lot of pain. I tell him though that that was my choice, I could've walked away at any time (in fact I did a few times and dated other guys).

Interestingly, I really don't think he would cheat on me nor I on him. That might not sound very rational but we're both very different people now and our relationship is very different to both our marriages.

Neither of us have been financially ruined, my kids are fine, my ex is fine, his ex is fine (and is better off without him if he can treat her like he did).

Just wondering, Wondering, why you haven't answered CatsPaws on page 1 when she asked why you don't just leave your partner, as you obviously don't have a future?

midsummabreak
The OP said (although not in answer to that Q): ...without outing myself or going into detail of my affair, right now it's what's happening and I like it.

Cheating causes great pain and misery but I find it strange that people are so black and white about it, so uncomprehending about people doing it, and so convinced that 'just leave if you're unhappy' won't cause almost as much fallout. In any case, presumably even the question of whether you are happy or unhappy in your marriage is very rarely black and white either. For most people there are good bits and bad bits.

Human beings are animals driven by urges we only have limited control over. We have imposed social rules on ourselves, but that doesn't mean we will ever find it easy to suppress our instincts. Fwiw I'm happily married and have never even come vaguely close to cheating. I can't guarantee I could never be tempted, but I'd hope that I wouldn't risk what I have.

I think that people's unrealistically over-romanticised views of how people should feel or behave in a relationship make cheating more likely. If you assume you will be head-over-heels and madly in lust with your partner forever, then it's not so surprising if you feel disillusioned and easily distracted by a new man/woman when the initial shine wears off.

There are degrees of love I think. I.loved my exdh but that love pales in comparison to the love for my dp. You may think all is ok and then you meet someone else and the whole world tilts. If you've never experienced that you are either very lucky or very unlucky depending upon your persuasion.

Now that I think I about it, in my life it has been sadly common place:

Two of my very closest friends, both told me just weeks before their weddings that they were sleeping with someone else. I think in both cases I was the only person that they told, both knew how wrong it was and were really upset but never-the-less they were fully in the throes of cheating.

Both went through with their weddings and have been married over 10 years.

My parents are both on their third marriages. With cheating ending each marriage thus far. My dad ran off with my mum's very best friend which ended their first marriage (and the friendship).

I've had three serious live in relationships. Both partners one and two cheated on me. The first seemed, (and still seems) so very out of character to be cheating as he was a kind reliable solid kind of man. We split up...

Second cheater was more of a bad boy. Huge mistake on my part to trust him. I learned many very valuable lessons.

I have never cheated.

My DH tells me he has never cheated on anyone. I believe him and I trust him as much as I will ever trust anyone- which isn't 100%. He loves me dearly though and I love him so so much and I do hope that this time my trust is not misplaced.

Weirdly enough I am still a trusting person and don't get jealous.

Eolian, I am not sure I agree that humans only have "limited control" over our urges. We all have a brain and, hopefully, some kind of moral code. It's not that difficult to not sleep with someone who is not your husband or wife.

For me infidelity is black and white. It's wrong unless you have an open marriage.

Can we just clear something up? No one is taking a ‘black and white’ approach to cheating by saying that it IS wrong. It is wrong under any usual circumstances. That is not to say that we can’t understand the temptations - the conflicts - the ‘urges’ OR that the impact of cheating is always the same.
But just as killing people is wrong - the fact that people have violent urges or are provoked or feel threatened may offer mitigation - but that doesn’t make it ok or mean that anyone who says killing someone is wrong is being simplistic or not seeing shades of grey.
And in most of the stories we’ve heard from people (who I’d like to thank for sharing!) - there have been different shades of wrong.

Ultimately it is about deceiving someone you promised to be faithful to, denying them the choices that you give to yourself. Hypocritical and wrong.

Of course some are more worthy of understanding and forgiveness than others. Some are just total shit bags. That’s where humanity lies!

If I can also say the idea of leaving when kids are all grown up is a walk in the park is wrong too, those young adults can still be judgmental and vocal and you are no longer entitled to housing, many benefits etc and not forgetting the’company and bustle’ of a family!