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Original poster

Can't forgive DP's fuck up

313 replies

CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:03

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 26/03/2018 13:05

What has he spent it on?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 13:06

No, there isn't. He'd see you skint before he'd give up spending unnecessarily.

Do you have children?

orangesmartieseggs · 26/03/2018 13:06

What's he spent it on? Was it eg. money to pay for a car repair so he can get to work, or has he just spent it on crap?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 13:07

It doesn't matter what he's spent it on - it wasn't his to spend.

rascallyrascal · 26/03/2018 13:07

What on earth has he spent it on? Unless he is willing to change and realise the error of his ways it doesn't look brilliant. Would you both consider counselling?

IAmWonkoTheSane · 26/03/2018 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KirstenRaymonde · 26/03/2018 13:08

Yes where’s the money gone? Why does his pay get mucked up? This doesn’t sound like a sustainable partnership.

Smeaton · 26/03/2018 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gooseygoosegoose · 26/03/2018 13:10

No probably not. It's not hard to work out that you don't spend money you don't have. What has he spent it on?

If you stay together this will likely be your problem forever to solve for him.

Ebeneser · 26/03/2018 13:10

If you don't have any children it's best to cut your losses and run. It's one thing to be rubbish with money, but a totally other thing to take what isn't his to spend.
Does he have a gambling problem or something?

Original poster
CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:11

I don't know what he's spent it on - he's been withdrawing money from the joint account (for bills/groceries only) to his own account. He's been bringing home a lot of alcohol and expensive food/treats to try and "cheer me up" around all the other expensive stress I've been going through recently. I've always had an issue with him choosing the easiest/most expensive option over what he can afford.

Luckily we have no DCs. I just want to run away to my family. But this stressful situation still needs me here, my job needs me here, he couldn't afford our flat by himself but I could (without him pissing my hard earned cash up a wall) and don't want to give it up. I can't believe he's betrayed me like this. I was so so so stupid to think he would ever learn to care about anyone but himself.

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 26/03/2018 13:12

Time to move to seperate accounts. Add a third for joint fun stuff if you like, but no card attached. No touching.

Also, make him read something like ‘The Barefoot Investor’. He needs basic budgeting help, but he won’t hear it from you.

halfwitpicker · 26/03/2018 13:14

I'd leave him at the door op.

orangesmartieseggs · 26/03/2018 13:14

Get separate accounts ASAP. Then look into ending the relationship. Financial trust/compatibility in relationships is so important - if it doesn't exist, there's no point imo.

Original poster
CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:15

He's dyspraxic possibly dyslexic and I think that's a key issue - he literally CAN'T do the maths on what he's spending or earning. I make 100% of financial decisions. He's been in a job paying £9000 p.a. less than his last one ( I've been urging him to find a better paid job) but because he's paid weekly now instead of monthly he insists it's the same salary. It clearly isn't. I've shown him the workings but it goes in one ear and out the other, we'd have the exact same conversation every day if I pushed the point. He's spending like he's on the old wage.

Maybe he is gambling. Maybe he's on drugs. I've been out of the house 14-17 hours a day recently dealing with work/stressful situation and he's made no effort to help so I can't be certain what he's up to.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 26/03/2018 13:15

He's been bringing home a lot of alcohol and expensive food/treats to try and "cheer me up" around all the other expensive stress I've been going through recently
So his way way of cheering you up when you're stressed about money is to spend more money?

What about running you a bath or cleaning the kitchen or making you a round of toast instead?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 26/03/2018 13:16

It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money

If he can't be trusted with your money, then he doesn't need to beg or grovel, he just needs to ask like a grown up

MrSandman · 26/03/2018 13:17

If there are no children walk away.

If you want to save it or have kids then his financial contribution needs a direct debit from his pay, on the day he gets paid, into an account he cant access, he has to agree to this, so needs to understand the error of his ways. He possibly needs some professional support also, as if its going on him partying, gambling or even clothes shopping then he needs to learn restraint.

Smeaton · 26/03/2018 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 26/03/2018 13:19

Ask him to
Leave. You dont want his life.

Original poster
CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:21

We have separate accounts - he's raided the joint account and the saving account attached to it which is in my sole name (but because the current account is joint he can transfer funds out of my savings into the current account if that makes sense).

The majority of my money is safe. Just not bills/rainy day money. I've removed his access to online banking this morning (he's ignoring my texts) and have printed the form for him to sign in order for me to regain full control of both the joint and savings account.

I've also written a loan agreement for the sum he has spent, giving him two options of payment plan. My friend will act as a witness.

I just want to ghost him and take my shit and be gone by the time he's home, but I can't - I can't trust him with the remainder of the 'stressful situation' (fuck it, this is outing already, our pet is incredibly ill and I need to be near the vets every morning and evening - family lives 2 hours away).

Some highlights include £36 to a church??? Near his work (probably jumble sale tat or similar) and £75 in W H Smiths. Completely irrelevant to his job. Most of the rest of the transactions are withdrawals to his own account.

OP posts:
gooseygoosegoose · 26/03/2018 13:21

Well besides the money, you've just said he hasn't helped while you've been dealing with things for long periods. That tells you just as much about what you can expect from life with him. He's not there for you. You can't rely on him.
I'd end things now before things get worse.

Hissy · 26/03/2018 13:21

FGS don't breed with this idiot!

natural selection would have done for him in the past, he's too stupid to be your boyfriend!

dump him.

NFATR · 26/03/2018 13:21

Stop excusing him. Dyslexia/dyspraxia is not an excuse, any nominally functioning adult fully understands that 10k a year LESS means you have less money. 5 year olds understand that.

He knows it, he just doesn't care. He knew he was spending your money, and didn't care. If he didn't understand he wouldn't be hiding it.

colditz · 26/03/2018 13:22

It's not your job to rescue him from his own incompetence, and once you are separated, you will look back and see how much of this incompetence is carefully crafted to ensure he gets to do what he wants.

OP I couldn't tolerate living with a grown man who can't bloody count.