Can't forgive DP's fuck up

[CougheeBean]

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

You have absolutely no love left for him now by the sounds of your posts. Yes that’s a lot of money to lose but it’s a small amount compared to if you stay with him.

You will be an anxious person for the rest of your life. Your mad at him because he has crossed the line now and the decision is made.

Good luck getting and staying away from him. I am so sorry you are going through this, get some support from a counsellor and best wishes to you x

OMG OP he sounds worse and worse. Are you a bit of coper / rescuer? I think you've gradually dealt with more and more appalling inadequacy from this clown and you've developed a tolerance to it. But whatever his reasons for being like this and whatever he's spent it on, the bottom line is that to him you are basically a parent figure and a free bank, who will bail him out every time. He doesn't care about you, however "nice" and "bumbling" he may appear.

Oh and like a PP I have a dyspraxic, dyslexic DS and he's more sensible with money than I am. He's naturally cautious and also listens when I explain to him about budgeting, looking for special offers, savings interest etc.

Your DP sounds like someone who will use any excuse to not have to be a grown-up. You'll be so much happier without him. So sorry about your pet, and I think you should prioritise that, but you can make plans.

You'll not be getting the money back op. Best to chalk it up to experience and concentrate on getting him to leave your home. Call 101 if needed and move all your wages to a separate account. I'd also be wary of him running up debt in the joint account out of spite. Can you give him a month to find a new place or is it too late for that?

If the lease is in your name only, then couldn't you change the locks? You would have to give your LL a key, of course, but you wouldn't have to give him one.

Thank goodness you don’t have children with him.

Get rid of him.

Cut your losses. He sounds an absolute nightmare, and the telling thing to me is that no matter how many times this raises its head and happens, he doesn't learn. Or he doesn't want to. You're always there as a safety net.

Having children with this man would be a disaster. Find someone who respects you and how hard you work. And cut off all forms of access to your money immediately.

And no, You won't be getting any money back, don't lose more on a sunk cost fallacy, he's already a sunk cost fallacy in himself.

Are you at home OP? If so pack up his stuff and leave it by the door. Text him to say he is moving out tonight. Any family or friends who can come and support you? The money is a write-off I fear but tomorrow is the start of your new life without the useless sneaky wankbadger.

I am really sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I know you say that he appears not to understand money and finance, but from what I can gather he knows enough about how to transfer money from your account when he has overdrawn on his and then spend it. I'd say he knows pretty well how finances work and is using your organised approach to fund his careless one. Your money is hard earned and you deserve better.

If you have already given him multiple chances, and he's still fucking up, don't give him another chance.

He didn't just spend his money until it was gone, he stole from you to top it up. He knew when transfering that money that he was taking your money. He feels he's entitled to everything for him, and you just have to work out how to pay the bills from the little he leaves you.

Get rid now.

The pet - find a way, can the vet keep them in? take some leave if you are ending your relationship.

The police didn't tell you the correct information - he has no right to be in your home if you tell them he is scaring you.

Christ how does it get to this stage where someone still puts up with this shit when he's proven umpteen times before to be a total and utter cocklodger and fuckwit?

Boot him out now. Do NOT allow him back in.

Get your share out of the joint account pdq & make sure he can no longer access your savings.

oh and re what your mum said about 'head in the clouds' etc - it doesn't have to be a particular level of 'bad' to be acceptable to end a relationship. You don't want to live like this - having to police spending and worried about the bills, even though you earn enough to cover them. So as you have no DCs and are not married, it's easy, this isn't the man for you.

Just because other people like him, other people will put up with fecklessness, doesn't mean you are obliged to. You don't have to wait until he's happy to end your relationship too before you are allowed to end it.

In a way, it doesn't matter why he did this, just that he did.

OP,
What an awful situation to be in.

From my own experience I honestly don't think he'll ever change.

DH is/has always been crap with money.........wish I'd left him many years ago.

I thought I could " manage" him and his money issues, but all that happens is YOU suffer.

Good luck OP

I once rang the Law Society to check on a flat mate's right to stay. They said if she wasn't named on the tenancy agreement/lease (she wasn't) and if I reasonable cause to evict her then it would be kind if I gave her a few days' notice, but there was no obligation to do so.

In the end I gave her a week. She was so disruptive in the few days following that, that I just kicked her out, change the locks and put her stuff outside. I did phone her at work and tell her what I was doing so she had a few hours to arrange to stay somewhere.

You can just change the locks, and be nice enough to tell him that you've done so. You can pack a bag with a few days' worth of stuff - shirt, underwear, toiletries - and leave it for him somewhere safe.

Then call 101 and let them know what's happening so they're aware if he kicks off and someone calls them. It'll give them time to check the law so they send someone (if they bother to send someone at all) who actually knows the law rather than someone who just busks it.

Turns out he's not been answering the phone because he was asleep. Instead of going to work. So he's at home. I've asked him to be gone by the time I'm home from the vets but I know he won't be. He says 'something must have gone wrong' - it hasn't. He says it can't be his fault because I've locked him out of the account and he can't see the statements.

!!!
Do you really want this for the rest of your life?
It’s not acceptable.
Time for him to stand on his own two feet!

So that's another job he'll lose then?

I'm so sorry it's come to this. Well done for being firm and don't be slow to ring the police if you need to (101, or 999 if things get dangerous).

If he's as inept at dealing with finances as you say he is, then he will not understand that he has spent all the money. As you said before, it's always someone else's fault.

This is a man who spends your money, spends the rent and bill money, spends all his money, then takes a day off work. And gets fired from every job.

Do whatever you can to get your money back from him but get rid of him now. If the cost of getting rid of him is losing the money he stole, it will save you a lot of money in the future.

If he's not gone when you're home then pack his stuff and take it all to his mum's. Get the locks changed and only get one set of keys. Just act as though he's gone; he will get the message that you're serious when he has no clothes/belongings/toothbrush and no keys.

He's spent £2K and you can account for approximately £100 of it.

Stinks of gambling to me and if it's that run for the hills and don't look back.

Dude he's really not worth you

He wants you to be Mum. You'll deal with all the dull grown up crap like looking after the finances and earning the money...

he won't change. Best you can hope for is you put in rules and limit his access to money, but you'll always have to manage and control it. You'll have to monitor him constaintly, and will be the one responsible for all the bills.

Sounds like you want a relationship with an adult, not a charming manchild.

Asleep when he should be at work, on top of everything else? This person has serious issues and you can't fix him - he has to fix himself with professional help. HIS responsibility, not yours.

OR - he really doesn't give a flying fuck, because he knows you'll bail him out. Again.

Well, you can call the police to come and get him out this evening, or you can cope for one more night and arrange to change the locks tomorrow when he goes to work.

Could you be a bit devious - talk it over with the landlord, give notice to quit with the understanding that you'll be taking the flat on your own once you've 'moved out' and changed the locks? You need him to be out of the flat legally. If he knows there's a date to move out, that you're moving and not taking him with you, then he might move in with his family and stop piggybacking on you.