Can't forgive DP's fuck up

[CougheeBean]

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

There is another thread on here where the police are HELPING the OP to cut contact with the ex partner she told to leave her home

Thank christ he isnt on the lease. Pack his bags and get this waster out your life

@Thursdaydreaming - I welled up at the idea of your DP putting more in "just in case" lol! That's the stuff of my wildest fantasies haha.

He's a "nice" guy. The kind of person whose mum says 'he'd never do anything to hurt anyone, he's just got his head in the clouds bless him'. But having your head in the clouds does hurt people. You can't use ignorance and stupidity as an excuse for the same damn thing over and over. I am a fucking professional who has never been fired in my life - he's been fired from every job he's had (around the 100 mark) since I've known him.We have a good life. I take us on holiday. I save for the future. All our friends and family see us moving forward and I let him take half the credit.

I can do better. I fucking deserve better. I know I'm not stupid and I deserve to spend my life with someone who doesn't treat their fuck ups as my problem.

Excuse me while I go and scream the paragraph above into the bathroom mirror for the next 30 mins

*"(but because the current account is joint he can transfer funds out of my savings into the current account if that makes sense). "

Not to me it doesn't if the savings account is only in your name!*

If he pretended to be the OP he could.

But you gave him notice a month ago did you not?

If you are scared of him, you do not have to have him back in YOUR house.

He isn't going to change, is he. Is this where you want to be ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty years down the line? You know this isn't a sustainable situation, and it can only get worse.

You deserve better Coughee. Time to move on without him

The police are wrong, he has no rights to stay if you want him to leave and the tenancy is in your sole name.

"He's spent his entire £1600 salary earned in the last month."

Just on himself-not bills or food?

If so-it shows what little regard he has.

If he has to be given notice-what's the minimum you could give?

I'd be properly bloody scared if I were being financially abused like this.

He’s not a nice guy if he won’t leave when asked to despite being fully aware of the fact that he is rinsing you.

I would put it in writing to him that you want him to leave because he can’t contribute 50% to the rent, give him and the landlord a copy.

The landlord can evict him if he can’t pay.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/renting-protect-your-rights-to-your-home-during-separation

@Yesitsme1 that's really helpful - thank you! Yes I expect I got bad advice from the police. I live in a shit area I imagine they had more important things to do. All they will have seen is a poor unemployed man crying and snotting on his own doorstep while the wicked witch of the cash machine variety refused to open the door.

And I hope your pet’s health improves

There you go OP - link above shows you he has no rights - but what I suggest you do is ring 101 and talk to the police. Tell them the situation, that you want to keep the flat yourself, that your name is on the tenancy, that you want him out and know he will create a huge scene when you tell him, and ask for their advice. Seriously - times are finally changing and I hope you'll find that the police's attitude this time around is different to last time. You can't just financially abuse someone (and yes, this is what your 'D'P is doing), and then scream and cry like a baby when they try to end the relationship. Please, have the courage of your convictions and act!

he's been fired from every job he's had (around the 100 mark) since I've known him

He's a total loser who refuses to take responsibility for himself and has happily allowed you to take responsibility instead whilst doing what he likes.

Sounds like he's got things just as he wants them.

@Yesitsme1 seems to have it right wrt the lease.

Hands CougheeBean the megaphone to assist in the screaming-into-mirror.

Get him gone. He was sacked for GROSS MISCONDUCT! I'd heave him out for that alone!

Yes spent all on himself. He's supposed to contribute 50% of bills but usually it ends up being around 25% and because he uses the joint account to store his money more often than his own account, he begrudges groceries etc being paid from joint money as he sees it as "his" even when 75% of it has come from my salary. We both get paid into that account and are meant to transfer out our 'personal' money but he rarely does.

I don't know whether he really is actually genuinely not very intelligent or whether it's just an aggressive gaslighting technique. He was a sneaky sly teenager by the sounds of things - it's not too much of a stretch to imagine him as a sneaky sly man even if that's not the person he presents as.

The policeman lied to you in order to make you comply and shut up. I'm really sorry to say that this does often happen with housing disputes where one partner has thrown the other out, and the other won't go quietly. personally I was threatened with arrest if I called the police because he his me again - the officer who threatened that was hauled over the coals by the chief inspector after my dad (ex sergeant) made some phonecalls. It is worth escalating complaints like this, in my case it was used as a "What not to do" training exercise in DV cases in my area.

YOU SHOULD KNOW that he does NOT have the right to be there if he is not on the tenancy. The police don't get to change the law to suit them. He can go and apply for an occupancy order, and that will be denied to him because he has no children living with him.

Oh, OP. What a crappy time you're having.

I disagree about the dyslexia/dyspraxia not being a factor. I think it may indeed be a reason - some people have very poor organisational and money management skills as a result. Not all but some have significant issues.

That however is by the by. Neither here nor there. Whether it's a condition making him a disaster zone or not it's not your problem.

And it's not just the inability to manage money - if it was just that you could sort that fairly easily by taking control of the finances but he's fully aware of what he should and shouldn't touch and he still saw fit to piddle your money down the drain. That's a respect thing not a money management thing.

You sound at the end of your tether. I understand why you are done with it. If you really want to finish things don't give up on getting him out. He's probably a chancer who thinks you don't really mean it. I hope he catches on soon and you can get on with your life without having to Mammy him.

Hope your pet is ok.

He hasn't fucked up, he's stolen from you. Remind yourself of that. He's not just a thief, he's a thief who sees you as his target.

CougheeBean
But having your head in the clouds does hurt people.

Yes exactly. I feel like in this situation, when you've been over it so many times, it isn't just a mistake any more. Every time that person pulls out their wallet to buy shit or applies for another credit card, they are saying "fuck you, partner" as loud and clear as if they came up and yelled it in your face.

You know you can’t have a future with him, you’ll never trust him financially. What if one day you want a mortgage? And he certainly doesn’t sound like a guy you’d want to have children with. In all honesty ... you sound far too good for him!

My exh did very similar. When I found out on the Sunday the extent of his lies I filed for divorce on the Monday after telling him to leave. There really is no alternative op.

Oh goodness, I started replying ages ago and missed lots of posts...police, tenancy, gross misconduct.

Ignore my post above. So much going on that I hadn't realised before posting.

I'm glad you are angry. You DO deserve better. Good luck.