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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't forgive DP's fuck up

313 replies

CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:03

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 26/03/2018 13:33

My ex always spent more than he earned and he was paying hundreds of pounds a month in overdraft charges and credit card charges. Before we had our child I paid off all his credit cards (he had blamed it on his ex and I didn't know better) which amounted to double figures. Within a year he was back on credit cards. We both earned a decent scary but we ended up having to sell a house and buy a cheap one as we couldn't afford the mortgage. He then bought an expensive car which cost more per month than the mortgage and guzzled petrol. So bloody stressful and I dreaded the post every day.

Since we split he hasn't contributed a penny towards our child. I see him spanning around on Facebook in expensive clothes and watches and going on expensive holidays and unless he's changed,it's his new wife who will be finding it.

Ryder63 · 26/03/2018 13:33

But I know he won't leave when he's asked

Don't ASK him to leave - TELL him!

IAmWonkoTheSane · 26/03/2018 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/03/2018 13:35

Is he gambling? Perhaps using the 'one big win and I'll be back where I was before and I'll have loads of money spare and that will stop her wittering on about me being worse off in my new job and I can pay it all back and she will never know' logic?

I'm shit with money, really shit, but I manage to pay the bills and keep food on the table (not having much money coming in does concentrate the mind), but this boggles my mind!

I think you need space apart, if not a permanent split. If you let him get away with it he won't see it for the big deal it is. It's only money, right?...

Coastalcommand · 26/03/2018 13:35

Really sorry to hear your pet is ill OP. You really need to get him to leave, you can’t have someone stealing from you. But you know that already. Will he get nasty if you throw him out? Does he have friends or family you can explain this to, and can he stay with them while he sorts himself out?
You deserve so much better.

blueskyinmarch · 26/03/2018 13:36

How much has he got through in what length of time? Have you confronted him about it?

juneau · 26/03/2018 13:36

If he really, really won't leave then you have two choices:

  1. Give notice to the LL and move out yourself.

  2. Tell the LL what is going on and get a locksmith round to change the locks.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 26/03/2018 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OyO · 26/03/2018 13:37

our pet is incredibly ill and I need to be near the vets every morning and evening

Sorry to hear that, OP.

So you’re working extremely long hours whilst running back and forth to the vets (which carries its own financial burden) and caring for your pet plus having to take on all of the stress of him pissing away your money and now worrying about being able to pay your rent?

If you take him out of the situation, I don’t see any positives being taken away.

pigshavecurlytails · 26/03/2018 13:37

lease is in your name? ring the landlord today, get permission to change the locks at your expense. then tell him he has stolen from you and he's out.

OakIsBetterTho · 26/03/2018 13:37

That's truly shit and there's no excuse... he stole from you!! I'm honestly appalled, I'd be so upset if my DP did this to me. Bag up his shit and kick him out.

Original poster
CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:38

He will cause a scene. A few years ago we had a similar situation when he wasn't working and I was on min wage, he left us without bills money. I asked him to leave and he screamed and cried outside the front door until the police were called by neighbours and I was told as it was his home I had no right to deny access even if he wasn't on the contract.

Things have been better since then. I built this buffer for us both. I think he's been riding high on the job he USED to have - he was fired for gross misconduct. But wants to carry on living the lifestyle as if he didn't ruin it all by himself. His whole family lives hand to mouth - if there is money, it gets spent. He doesn't understand why I want savings and buffers and safety nets. So he's taken it upon himself to destroy as much as he can. I'm just disgusted.

OP posts:
ValMc1 · 26/03/2018 13:39

Get out now - I was with someone very similar - didn't have access to any of my accounts but ran up huge credit card bills that I stupidly paid off twice. The third time it happened, I refused and we divorced - he got half my house (which I owned before I met him) - we were married though - I really shouldn't have said yes. He got a large 6 figure sum from me - within 18 months the phone calls started from credit card companies looking for him and a debt collection agency phoned me last Friday - nearly 3 years after we split. A leopard never changes his spots - protect what you have as quickly as you can and say goodbye. Hope it works out ok for you.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 26/03/2018 13:39

How much does he owe you? Not for all of his previous fuck ups, just this round?

The lease is in your name. Call a locksmith, get the locks changed.
Pack him a bag, put it in the door step, text him that it’s there.

Do NOT take him back.

Then, decided where you want to live & work and make it happen.

I’m sorry to hear about your pet. Been there, done that. X

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 13:39

He doesn't need to agree. Pack his bags and get rid.

RatherBeRiding · 26/03/2018 13:41

There are really only 2 options.

  1. Cut your losses and leave him.
  2. Stay but allow him absolutely NO access to any money that he doesn't earn. If he whines about bus fare - tell him to walk to work or get on his bike (literally).

Unless - once you have calmed down - you can find reasons why you genuinely want to continue with him in your life, I'd chose option 1. That kind of financial instability & irresponsibility would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

Appuskidu · 26/03/2018 13:41

and I was told as it was his home I had no right to deny access even if he wasn't on the contract.

Really-that doesn’t seem right?

suitandheels · 26/03/2018 13:41

I'm sorry but I agree - he does sound like an idiot and a cunt who's taken you for a ride. Do you honestly think he's going to change?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 26/03/2018 13:42

and I was told as it was his home I had no right to deny access even if he wasn't on the contract.

That sounds more like a policeman who didn't want to do any paperwork tbh.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 26/03/2018 13:44

If he kicks off call the police yourself. Tell them what he’s doing and that you don’t feel safe.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 26/03/2018 13:44

100% dump him.

You wouldn't tolerate this from anyone else, and if someone else was describing this situ to you, you'd be telling them to bolt.

You are not his carer. This will only continue, you are not there to look after his finances.

YOu have your own life to lead, go be free. Find a solution to the vets that doesn't involve you having to stay with a lay about. Use the Kon Mari decluttering method, if it doesn't spark job or is useful then throw it out ;)

Goodluck. Be firm with yourself here or this will be you sabotaging your own life.

Thursdaydreaming · 26/03/2018 13:44

Oh OP this is heartbreaking. I won't tell you what to do but I will tell you what I have done. I was with a guy like your DP, absolutely no understanding of spending within his means, and no care to start. Except mine was also in a lot of debt. He earned a lot but just couldn't be trusted and lied constantly about money. We broke up.

Now I'm with someone who doesn't earn as much but spends within their means and wouldn't consider doing otherwise. It is so much more relaxing and feels much more like a true adult partnership. Instead of a nagging mum and her son or something.

I never even check our joint account now, because why would I need too? The other day I did check the balance and it was up - DP had put extra money in just because.

Original poster
CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:44

I'm pretty sure it is right - it would be an illegal eviction to deny him his home without proper notice - he still has some rights (in the way that illegal subletters do)

He's spent his entire £1600 salary earned in the last month. Plus £500 which was in the savings account for bills/savings. Plus the extra £200 I contributed this month to give him some space. In total he's spent £2000 of my money since November.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/03/2018 13:45

he was sacked from his job and has no financial sense or ability to support you through a number of stresses honestly he sounds like a lost cause ..................sorry

Thebluedog · 26/03/2018 13:45

It’s all in your name so let him cause a scene, then call the police. It’s not like he’s paid towards the rent this month anyway.

I’d be bloody fuming in your shoes. Regardless he’s a grown man, and even if he doesn’t understand the ‘math’ you’ve told him to stop spending and he hasn’t!

Fuck that I’d not let him back in and leave his stuff on the door step.