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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't forgive DP's fuck up

313 replies

CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:03

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 26/03/2018 14:42

He’s a cocklodger ,he’s with you because you provide for him, because you feel sorry for him and because he knows you will continue to do so. He may have dyspraxia and dyslexia but that’s no excuse to spend money that doesn’t belong to him, he’s bright enough to go online and move money from accounts so he can’t be that dyslexic?

Your not suited, if he wants to be lazy and not hold down a job maybe he should be with someone who also thinks it’s ok to sleep all day and gamble (or whatever he’s doing). You sound sensible, you have a good job and are sensible with money, he’s none of these things so it will never work.

TempusEejit · 26/03/2018 14:45

CougheeBean I have nothing useful to add but just wanted to say from your posting style you sound great and you definitely deserve better than living with a thief. Best wishes to you and your pet Flowers

Mustang27 · 26/03/2018 14:46

Are you in a relationship with my brother???

I know you are not but you are explaining my sibling to an absolute T I can only say I completely empathise with you. You need to walk away I think or you will constantly be bled dry and all just to the detriment of your own mental health.

Addy2 · 26/03/2018 14:48

If he actually leaves the house for any length of time, could you get the locks changed and have left the house by the time he returns? Stay somewhere else overnight so he can kick and scream all he wants but no one is there to listen?

Also, if you withdraw your money from the joint account and transfer to your private one, surely you wouldn't need him to sign the paperwork and could get your name removed from the account? Good luck, OP Flowers

Babyblues052 · 26/03/2018 14:48

He's a sleekit bastard. I'd never be able to forgive him! He's basically stolen from you. Vile pathetic pig of a shit.

InsomniacAnonymous · 26/03/2018 14:49

Well doesn't that just put the icing on the cake? He's been asleep at home instead of at work! What a waste of space he is.

Haffiana · 26/03/2018 14:52

You are a mug, OP. You believe that he is useless with money. He isn't. He is very, very clever with money. Al he has to do is ignore your lectures every month and carry on as normal.

You have enabled him to act hopeless and you have enabled him to steal from you. You are the last person who hasn't sacked him for gross misconduct and he has STOLEN from you, lied to you and he has mugged you off.

Why have you bought into this? What could he possibly bring to relationship that excuses the fact that he knowingly treats you like a cunt?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 26/03/2018 14:54

I reckon he stayed at home because he was worried that he'd come home to find the locks changed if he went out. What is he getting fired for? Constant absences, or something else? I can't understand how someone who has been fired multiple times is managing to find new jobs that pay £1600 a month net.

MammaAgata · 26/03/2018 14:54

I think I would have moved on after he lost the 3rd or 4th job to be honest... But losing over 100 jobs?? in the time you have known him? For that alone I would have lost respect instantly I think. I'm sitting her gobsmacked to be honest.. and what did he do to get sacked for Gross Misconduct? That must have been pretty serious? He doesn't sound like a loveable bumbling old fool to me.. What a total waste of space. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's got any redeeming features at all.

StaplesCorner · 26/03/2018 14:55

I'm a bit concerned that he is in the flat and knows that you are going to make his life difficult from now on. First of all are you at work and does that mean you have private access to a phone? if so call 101 and log it all with them. Then I'd say nothing else to him at all - when you get back tonight, is there anyone who can come round eg., brother or dad, friend etc whilst you tell him to go? Can he reasonably go to his family or a friend? (just thinking of excuses he will make). If so he can pack a bag and leave then you can get his stuff together over the bank holiday weekend.

If you have a sick pet to look after I feel you will need some support this evening.

eddielizzard · 26/03/2018 14:55

i think he knows. i don't think it's anything to do with dyslexia / dyspraxia. someone v close to me has both of those and is extremely good with money. i think he sees you as a parent who will provide. damn right he's not going to leave. that's the last thing he wants to do. give him notice and then he's out.

Goodasgoldilox · 26/03/2018 14:57

You have been so good to this man!
Please don't let him gas-light you into feeling that he is wronged.

So sorry to hear about your pet. This is a tough thing to be dealing with even on its own. You need support - not all this additional stress and worry.

I suggest that you get your salary paid into your private account and that you don't allow him access to anything that you pay into. (If he is really head -in-the-clouds, he needs to deal with cash only.)

If you want him to move out of your home - and that seems very reasonable - I'd enlist help from the landlord (who will want to see rent paid rather than spend on rubbish -and is therefore on your side!)

Sparkletastic · 26/03/2018 15:00

So that's another job he's about to lose?
I'm thinking he's either a gambler or has a coke habit. Either way he needs to become not your problem any more.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 15:01

He's sleeping instead of being at work? He gets fired from every job? He spends all your money and gets you to pay his living expenses?

I honestly don't know how you could be with someone like this. He's either lacking totally in any form of personal responsibility, or hes of such very low intelligence he can't grasp adult responsibility and should not live independently , or he's a complete and utter selfish bastard who is using you. Potentially all three.

Give him notice and tell him to get thr fuck out. He can go live with his mum. If she will have him. If he doesn't go. Call the police. In the meantime pack his shit up for him and be ready for the police to help evict.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 26/03/2018 15:01

Your thread reminds me of a former partner. We were always falling out over money, he'd be apologetic when he fucked up, I was constantly having to manage every penny. I just put it down to him being terrible with money. When I left him (he had other flaws) he managed to steal thousands of pounds from me. I never got it back, but the relief I experienced at no longer having to live with someone who wouldn't manage basic finances was immense. I had no idea just how stressful it was until I didn't have to worry about it any more.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 15:02

Oh and I also suspect he's in the flat because he knows you're going to chuck him out. He hasn't been sleeping he's been avoiding you. You're probably right on the sly thing.

WorldWideWanderer · 26/03/2018 15:03

Stop gviing him money. Stop bailing him out. Don't give him any loans....he still won't pay them.
Deny him access to your savings and don't let him have any.
When he presents you with 'treats' say no I don't want that, it cost money we haven't got.

Don't pay the bills, make him take responsibility....let him deal with the electricity being cut off, no food in the house so he can't eat and so on. He might - if you're lucky - get a wake-up call, apologise, and start to be more respobsible. That would be great....you could start again, NOT sharing a bank account but each putting the same amount of money into one account from which only bills and joint expenses get paid.

Unfortunately you have to accept that this is less likely to happen and the alterntive is, without any change from him, you walk away....with all you money....

He needs to grow the fuck up and won't while you just pick up the pieces...

LIZS · 26/03/2018 15:04

He's not a nice guy, he's a selfish chancer. Dyspraxia/dyslexia is no valid excuse, he could find a way to cope if he so chose, as plenty of other adults do. Money just carelessly slips through his fingers and others will learn to take advantage. I suspect you may well find things are worse before they get better. Tell him it's over and he needs to leave, before he brings you both down.

Bananalanacake · 26/03/2018 15:04

Yes Mammaagata
100 jobs. Really? Or are you exaggerating. That must look interesting on his cv. I'm amazed at the 75pounds in wh Smith. I know they are expensive but what did he buy for that? Books. Magazines. Stamps?

ferriswheel · 26/03/2018 15:04

Omg. I cant even finish the thread.

You definitely need to get him out of your life.

rascallyrascal · 26/03/2018 15:06

Oh my God!!! This man-child is awful!! He needs to go. He can go stay with his bloody mother.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/03/2018 15:06

Oh god please just stick his stuff on the doorstep and change the locks the very next time he goes out. You will never be happy with this thieving irresponsible excuse for a man.

sexnotgender · 26/03/2018 15:08

Walk away, don't look back you are better than this.

He is like a weight around your neck.

scampimom · 26/03/2018 15:08

This creature sounds like a cyst on the anus of humanity. Bumbling is not so charming when it threatens the roof over your head.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 15:09

And he is indeed stealing from you. He's deliberately taking money out your savings account and spending it as he sees fit It's theft pure and simple.