Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

Bloody Oh I hate it when dreams do that. I remember the first month after I broke up from ex I used to always dream we were back together then wake up at 5 in the morning realising we weren't and couldn't go back to sleep. It was horrible. Oldbrook if you want to meet up PM me! would be nice.

Regardless I realise that he was right about the 'can't have it both ways' comment.

Oldbrook, yes this is very true .

I'm still feeling like shit today. One foot in front of the other and get on though... Day 41 NC and a new Day 1 of not looking at Last Seen on WhatsApp - I have fallen back into that the last few days and with all the attendant - he'll be at work, he'll be at home, he's up, he'll be looking at me and all that shit ! Potential siting f*cked me over too the other day . I need to pull myself together . Good luck everyone.

Sorry you're feeling rubbish today bloody, this really is a winding journey isn't it. It just is hard, we're all trying in one way or another to get over someone and sometimes I remind myself that poets, novelists, song writers etc have been writing about this sort of thing for centuries - and yet we feel there's something wrong with us for not being able to snap out of it easily! We need to allow ourselves to find it bloody difficult sometimes.

I'm learning so much along the way, about myself, about relationships, people..and how amazing it is to be supported by a group of women I've never met!

oldbrook glad you found your counselling session helpful. You do sometimes sound like you still want your guy to get in touch, even though you've told him not to! It's fair that you can't expect both, but I can understand that it helps to think of it as respect rather than rejection.

Gosh OldBrook I'd not like to share a counsellor with DOM!
A good counsellor can hold two realilties and confidences but I'd find that really hard. Many years ago I saw a counsellor and my partner at the time called her once or twice solo and I found that really hard.

I am feeling a bit odd this morring. I am glad exH tests all negative of course but I am thinking about his complete lack of concern about what it might put me through. It was me who encouraged him to seek advice, me who drove up the road with his meds, me who cancelled my op as I was not confident he was well enough to take care of kids, me who said I'd pay if he was off sick no pay (we still have a joint commitment mortgage and I dont want issues with that). all my decisions but he has thrown the whole lot in my face and screamed and shouted at me and made me feel unsafe. No more!!!
I dont know HOW - this year is going to be brutal - but I dont OWE him anything and I wont be made to feel that I do any more. I cant NC as kids but I have to find a way not to suffocate fearfully any more.
Adjusts Crown.

My aim today is to keep hold of my dignity and not let it go up the wazoo! Even if I do have a bit of contact

Good for you basseting, I love to hear you standing up for yourself! Time to let him look after himself.

Oldbrook you have a very very wise counsellor. And of course he is missing you too but he is right to let you go if he can't give you what you want.

It more complex with someone you have 2 kids with but if i didnt it would be an obvious clear and fairly effort free NC. I dont love him and have not for years. Mostly I dont even like him. So sad when we made kids together.

Day 27 NC for me.
Hope everyone has a better day today.
oldbrook What your counsellor said makes sense. He sounds like a good one.
basseting exH’s are hard to deal with because of the history there but you sound strong!

basseting we try to be there for everyone but it's just not possible - be there for your kids and yourself ..understand it is a complicated, messy situation for you . You're on the up today = good for you .

nk this is allegedly the reason why my NC ended it - he could not offer me what I was wanting and it was making him feel like an arse .... to be fair to him he could have still strung me along for sex I suppose .

belonger up the wazoo

I'm on diversion tactics today - doing all the things on my "to do " list that I didn't yesterday !

oldbrook it is easy to look more kindly on all these situations with hindsight and once out of the immediate fire ! That's when it gets dangerous for me - my soft spot for him ...

Bloody sorry you're not feeling great today. It's such a tough process and I understand the online status checking. It's a compulsion.

ravens well done on Day 27 - sorry for all the "bitty" posts

Basseting gosh you sound fierce. Good on you. You deserve 100% better than you are getting.

Belonger I've no doubt your dignity will remain intact today no matter how much you communicate.

Ravens how are you feeling today?

I'm doing bitty posts because my internet connection is playing up today.

So Day 2 for me. I feel good. Wounded but strong. I'll get through it. My plan of action is to go offline everytime he comes online. I don't want any interactions with him at all

Old I think the opp of 'up the Wazoo' is 'In the Cafe' myself

Ravens Yes, and the need to have contact when kids young / older at graduations / mariage etc An ongoing situation. But, mentally, 'NC' for me rrom now on.

Oldbrook your councillor is so wise, and so are you. So much of that I can apply to my situation too, so thank you!

My NC was exbf but we stayed too close for the 10 months after we split. When he moved on, these were some of the things I said to him:

My head is happy for you but my heart needs to catch up.

I know it's hypocritical for me to be upset in that I went on a date the same night you met her, but I can't help it, it is as it is and I need to deal with it. You haven't done anything wrong really.

I need zero contact in order to grieve and heal. No staying friends at this stage. Because I never grieved after the split because we stayed too close, I need the space to heal now.

I don't want to know ANYTHING about you/her. Even if you split, better for me not to know.

I can only be friends when I am indifferent as to whether you're with someone or not.

BUT of course, like you I secretly wish he would make contact and it hurts that he hasn't. You're post has been really helpful in reminding me that he hasn't made contact because he respects me and empathises with my situation, and I made my stance very very clear. I can't have it both ways. Thank you again for posting that.

Theparting you sound very wise yourself. I agree I can't be friends either. In any case we weren't real friends we were secret ones which is tragic.

Can I suggest that we don't have any Internet signal in the Crown Cafe? So we can 100% switch off any sm stalking or checking when we're there? What a haven!

Basseting really does own that crown