Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

Oldbrook you better not leave thr cafe. I want to hear about the next part of your chapter, whether that is with your H or if it's with a new person.

Definitely no internet in this cafe Belonger. I can imagine lots of chatter, laughter and fun

Do you love and fancy your H Oldbrook. Is he kind and do you have a laugh together?

I am not attracted to my H and is he has anger issues. I strongly suspect he has ADHD which contributes to a lot of his problems. He is trying to deal with that now but it's too late for us as the love is gone.

What I would be happy for is someone I was attracted to, who is kind and respectful. But I need someone who can make me laugh and who doesn't take themselves too seriously. Someone who will sing bad karaoke with me and be my partner in crime but can step up when they need to.

I have no idea what the next chapter of my life will be but my main focus now is to sort out my house (declutter) and get a new job that can sustain myself and the kids. It will mean going from part time to full time but at least I will have peace.

Definitely the type of attraction I feel with my NC is very much physical. And that can't last indefinitely. I'm actually not sure if we've much in common beyond the chemistry. God I pity his poor girlfriend the way she isn't enough and he requires external validation.

oldbrook I'm sure that sometimes an intense connection can be an echo of something from the past,and not necessarily a healthy thing. Do your feelings for your guy remind you of any previous loss or longing? If we've got unhealed loss /pain from the past, we can end up involved in something which evokes the same feelings of loss or fear or insecurity etc. I think it's called reenactment in psychological theory.

But yes there's always that security/thrill /steadiness/risk balance to try and find in a long term relationship!

I think mine could be (the loss) because I think my mother never bonded with me. My H said in the 17yrs he's been with me he's never heard her say one positive thing. I don't think she is actually able to bring herself to praise me. So I need to learn to deal with that I think. I am only realising this since I started counselling.

Someone actually put this picture on their dating profile. As a 40+ woman with (just the one) cat I’m not yet a cat-woman!

Raven so the guy met a 40 year old woman online and she rejected him..that's his retaliation...

NK I’m doing better today. I’ve joined a free OLD site and it’s going quite well - a good boost for my ego. I have bought more books from Amazon about NC/emotional well-being. I won’t break NC till I have got and read those. I will go on dates and then in 30-45 days I will contact NC to say goodbye in a sort of tying up loose ends way. Hopefully by then I’ll have a few irons in the fire, have worked on myself a bit more and so whatever he says I will be ok with.

I’d like him to ask to give it another go but it wasn’t my choice to end it so I don’t have to live with that regret.

NK after my divorce I had to go from part-time to full-time with and I loved it. Got an au pair to help with the kids. I felt more professional and able to throw myself in to work without apologising for my days off. And I’ve got better at throwing stuff out, so yes to decluttering as well! Sounds like a good plan

Did you Ravens? I'm terrified at the thoughts of going full time as I've always been around but financially I'll have to.

Your plan re:dating sounds great

Oldbrook I am in exactly the same position (not married though). Get on absolutely fine with OH, nice life, good parents together but met someone else who caused fireworks and now poor OH doesn’t stand a chance. He is moving out next week. Sounds v similar!

NC day three for me :)

anonymous your situation sounds identical to mine. I’m still with my husband and I love him, but the fireworks caused by someone else makes it so difficult for him to compete.
I’m trying to go nc. On day 6 but it’s not easy. But it’s the right thing to do.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot today. Need to snap out of it.

Do fireworks last though? I'm beginning to think they don't

You’re right nk. They last for so long than that’s it. It’s the feelings they give at the time which I miss. But it’s hard to distinguish between the two.
How are you feeling about your nc? What are you hoping to do?

Hi Rhubarb. I'm absolutely fuming with him but so glad that I never gave in to meeting with him. He can go fuck himself as far as I'm concerned (pardon my language). How are You?

This is relevant to some of us on here: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-too-eager-for-the-fairy-tale-ending-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-revisited/

nk I'm really sorry that your mum shows so little love towards you. I have a difficult relationship with my mum too and it can be very hard to deal with sometimes.

This is me today. Got quite close to chasing crumbs but am managing to stop the cycle going any further (ie not turning up on his doorstep with made starey eyes screaming WHAT THE FECK IS WRONG WITH YOU???? DON'T FECKING IGNORE ME!!!!!!!!).

Ahem. Adjusts crown.

You sound really positive today ravens, good for you. Love your energy!

They’ve lasted for four years for me. He still takes my breath away every time I see him, see a photo of him, hear his voice on the phone, smell him, hear his laugh ... he is everything. Just everything.

The ignoring thing drives me insane too. I sent him over 170 messages in a row last week because he was ignoring me.

Good on you Belonger. You're in control.
She just makes me feel like a shit person and shit Mum. I don't remember a time when she praised me. It's like she can't bring herself to. But look she is the least of my worries. I'm going to throw myself into looking for work and hopefully when I get a new job things will start to click into place. Fingers crossed.

Anonymous I absolutely hate being ignored as well. Did your guy respond to any of your messages?

NK my mum is the same so I can sympathise.

He replied the next day telling me there was no way he was reading all that ‘garbage’ which tbf a lot of it was but I always give him the chance to reply ... as in leave it for a couple of hours the I unleash the beast haha! I don’t know if being ignored completely is worse or getting one or two replies, feeling like you’re getting somewhere then him disappearing.