Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

Well done OP for seeing this through. Your fragility shines through in your writing and this has clearly been absolutely awful for you and really impacted your health. I hope the holiday helps you to heal and that the liver problems are temporary. Hopefully the anxiety will be easier to control now that JF is gone. Be kind to yourself and happy easter

Thank you for your great support and beautiful words, I truly appreciate them all.

Sunday Night, over 48 hours since his departure, I haven't heard a thing from him, which is good but unsettling if that makes sense. His mother texted me to wish me a happy Easter, i thought she must know, but she hadn't and was heartbroken. However this lady bless her has no illusions about her son, and told me, she completely understood the reasons why I ended it and had hung on longer than most would have. The kicker was she said she believed I was the best thing that had happened to him and it gave her a tiny bit of hope that he would try to get help or counselling. I don't know who feels more heartbroken now, me or her. We don't think about the mothers of addicts to much, you bring your baby into the world love them, protect them, keep them safe, and hope they have a happy life. They are always your baby no matter what age they are. She's a great mother, loving, and funny, but her son is an addict and she spends her time fretting and worried.

I cannot be the only woman going through this right now, there must be others in the same position or who have been in this situation in the past.

Yesterday I was fine (well less tears) today I feel really low. I think it's part and parcel of life at the moment, good days and then sad days. Living on sandwiches and coffee, even had a few cigarettes today, god knows how much I would drink if I hit the bottle! I won't though you have my word.

How long will it take to feel like me again? I keep looking over the living room expecting to see him sitting there but he's gone...

I thought today, he must have thought I was a bit boring, not wild enough, for some reason that made me feel worse. I feel old and frumpy, for some reason, if I start wearing beige and buying sensible shoes I will ask my friends to intervene. Yesterday I went and had a pamper, hair nails the works and I still feel old.

I hope the world looks better tomorrow, something has to give.

Happy Easter to you all x

Thanks, it is extra hard to be the mum of an addict, as our maternal instinct is to protect and provide for them, despite that they're adults. I've been going to Families Anonymous meetings, for a few years now. I realised that I had been enabling my addict, by giving him money, buying him food etc, thus freeing up money for him to buy drugs, I was keeping him sick.
I have stopped enabling and rescuing him, I have had to Love and Let him go, to let him lead the life he chooses. I'm so proud of my son, he's now at college, has a part time job and has managed to get a council flat.
I hope your exDP's mum reachs out for support, as it is heartbreaking to see your child suffer this terrible disease, but there is always hope.

That's really kind of you to think of his mother, it is indeed a hard and never ending road.

You sound like a lovely woman, if he couldn't change for you he probably never will, you've done exactly the right thing. Just accept the sad bits, enjoy the good days, and don't look back too often.

Not wild enough?? Op that's crazy. Having a class a addiction isn't wild it's grim. You're fine as you are x

Op you haven't heard from him because it's the weekend and he's probably been off his face for the majority of it. This should show you without a doubt what his first love is - heroin. The woman he's moving in with will enable him to keep taking and normalise the drug culture he surrounds himself with things will get worse. It will only be a matter of time before he is injecting if he hasn't already, like others have said they all say they'd never inject until they do. You really have had a lucky escape, although you're sad for a relationship that has ended. Things will get better.

It is normal and healthy to feel sad and low after a break-up OP, but he didn't break up with you and you aren't somehow inadequate - remember YOU broke up with HIM because he's a heroin addict. You have done the strong, brave and ultimately only thing you could do unless you wanted to be dragged down by the same drug that is dragging him down. Again, please be kind to yourself.

Don't want to worry you OP but with your liver results together with him being a heroin addict you may need to be tested for Hep B & C. Hope everything works out OK for you, sounds like an absolute nightmare

Xici could well be right in connecting your liver problems to his addiction, make sure your GP knows that your ex-partner is an addict.**

Hi
I can sympathise with you I really can my partner is an alcoholic
If I was you if he starts to call you names been obviously on drugs I’d call the police let him be arrested and if bailed he won’t be allowed back near you
If the situation is getting worse I’d seriously consider this for your own safety .
My partner took crack one day in front of me but never since and when his so called friend came round to give him more I went mad and told him I’d report his dog as being an illegal breed if he ever came near my partner again and it’s wirked he stays away.
You maybe able to get him help if that what he wants but huni he going to need to want it

Hi OP,
read the whole thread, you’ve done so well!

(Hope the liver function tests were ok, those blood results can be all over the place if you just had a cold/flu virus).

His mum sounds lovely, and so do you, but only he himself can change things.

Don’t feel bad about kicking him out, you’ve absolutely done the right thing and have been so patient.
It’s totally ok to grieve for the relationship that wasn’t to be, but that is not your doing, it was his.

Op just wondering if everything is ok? Hope your test results were clear and your ex is not pestering you.

Morning Beachbodyunready (great name). I had my test results back on Friday all negative and clear for hepatitis, so now they think my liver has had to much of the prescription pain killers that they have kept me on for the last 2 years!! I stopped them immediately so had a case of the rattles over the weekend and even into Monday. Ironic isn't it? now they have given me sleeping tablets (not even going down that route!)
Ex is not pestering me, he rang last week, and said that he does need counselling and will go and get it, however I am not hopeful that he will actually do this, and its nothing to do with me anymore. He has to do it for himself.
Life is quiet now, in fact its boring, but I will take boring over drama any day of the week!