Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

You cannot win against heroin. He is no longer a functioning user. Having worked with addicts I am not going to use the words pathetic about him.

You cannot win against heroin. He needs a treatment plan. You need a very long break. For both of your best interests, make that happen.

first step, not first time

My friend is going through this at the moment, trying to fix someone who can't be fixed. I'm not sure why she feels obligated to rescue him at the detriment of herself. So sad. The sooner you get him out of your life the better, he will never change.

Tell him today. 'The next time you go out and take drugs you are not coming back to this house. I will not have you on drugs in my home anymore.'

Make it very clear.

And then when he goes out again, bag all his things up and drop them at his mothers house. Lock up your home and go and stay with a friend, so when he comes pounding on the door you are not home.

Hope you are ok, OP. Can you get someone round to be in the house with you for when he wakes? To offer moral support etc. It could be anyone - if you contact someone local quietly I'm sure most people would help.

Everyone else is right OP, he really needs to go. His addiction will always come first and it will eat away at you until you are recognisable. You deserve so much better than this.

How are you Icepink?
It's often said about addicts that they have to hit rock bottom before they do anything to help themselves.

You are in a similar situation, you are addicted to the way this manipulative man makes you feel and act. What will be your rock bottom? Him stealing from you, him seriously beating you up? I really do hope not.

I think you probably need help to end this relationship, and I'm wondering if Womens Aid would help you, at least do phone them for advice.

I'm certain that when you tell him to leave, he will make you many promises of becoming a reformed character, rehab programmes, GP help, he will tell you what he knows you want to hear, because he is very lucky to have all the benefits your life gives him, and he will be desperate to hang onto them. Womans Aid would help you see these for the false promises that they are.

I don't think you should wait for him to leave the country before acting, that is just a delaying tactic, because you are reluctant to hurt him and you know it will be difficult to do.

You are going to need a lot of courage over the next weeks and months, but you have to do this to save yourself and the life you have worked so hard to build.

The reality is that every day he's using, you face coming home and finding him dead in your home. Are you prepared to deal with that?
Gather his belongings up, and get rid of him.

You are an adult, you don't have to have this in your life.

I agree with Ada. FWIW it took me far too long to see that the man I married was not going to come back. All I did was enable him and he still got worse and worse - in his case it was gradual and insidious.

He moved out just shy of 3 months ago - I had him removed by the police. Since then life has been so, so much better for me and our DDs. That first step is hard. The guilt is enormous. You may need help with that.

But do it. Get this man out of your life.

I am calm, and feel somewhat detached from the situation.

He woke up, I told him I'm not living this life anymore, and no more excuses or broken promises he will leaving on Good Friday, that gives him just under two weeks to make arrangements and find alternative arrangements. I didn't raise my voice, didn't get emotional, just didn't enter into any diverting comments he made. Didn't reply about the kids, what our plans where, nothing. If he thinks there is any talking around it's not going to happen.

I want me back, not him, me. I know I will break my heart at some point but it can't be any more broken than it is. He smashed it to bits, but that is my fault for being naive and gullible.

He will miss the car, the house, and he might just miss me at some point. The only relationship he wants is with this drug.

There will not be so many good memories that I will hold because for every one good there must be at least three bad ones I will just have to keep reminding myself of those.

The countdown has begun and he knows it.

Why on earth are you giving him two weeks notice? All he's going to do is try and drag you back into his miserable little life. Or, ramp up the abuse.

This is NOT your fault. Do not blame yourself for not being able to save someone else - these are the choices he made.
But why have you given him a fortnight?!
As the others say, he needs to be out of your life NOW. Please don't give him the chance to do even more damage to you and your life.

If he's staying in your house for the next 2 weeks, make sure you move anything valuable or sellable, don't give him chance to start totting up how much stuff is worth before he goes.

Well done OP.

Please be careful he doesn't try to worm his way back into your heart in the next 2 weeks, he is a master manipulator (his druggie life depends on it)

Why on earth are you giving him two weeks notice? All he's going to do is try and drag you back into his miserable little life. Or, ramp up the abuse.

THIS. Seriously OP, kick him out now. He can always go and stay at his mate's that he's so fond of.

Argh! Op you talk a good talk but it doesn't mean squat if you don't act upon it.

You've spent so much time and energy trying to figure him out that you've neglected to understand why you've behaved the way you have. The desire to fix someone isn't a selfless act, it's an indulgent one. You wouldn't keep doing what your doing if there wasn't a personal pay off.

The two week deadline isn't for his benefit, it's for yours, another misguided desperate attempt for him to 'wake up and appreciate how good he has it'.

Two weeks?! Too kind

I’d give him a week

I don’t know how you can bear him coming home high

Tell him to stay with his junkie friends this weekend

Two weeks is about 14 days too long; it just gives him more time to lie to you. He needs to be gone as of yesterday frankly.

I also think this is for your own benefit as much as anything else in that its another misguided attempt on your part to wake him up. It also feeds your codependent and enabling behaviours. Address these properly through counselling otherwise you could well again be on the receiving end of your own wanting to rescue and or save.

Feel quite worried about the op and the next 2 weeks

Hmm, OP he now has nothing to lose, and access to everything you own. If he is using frequently I would be very concerned about anything valuable "going missing"...

Also, dont worry about him finding somewhere. He will have a decent network of people he can doss and smoke with in all likelihood.

Two weeks in which to strip your house of anything of value while you're at worl ...

Seriously OP, grow a spine and kick him out now, today, not in two weeks time.

Isetan, just reel your neck in for a second, you got the part about the two weeks yes it is for my benefit. I am slap bang in the middle of a major project at the moment, this means I will be working long hours, and I cannot deal with this and kicking junkie face out the front door whilst bringing this project to completion a week on Thursday. So yes I am selfish, because work has to come first right now.

I have already discussed this through with a close friend. I cannot take time off, and because of my work I cannot have any more aggro on the home front than I already have. I do not doubt that once that door is closed then it will really kick off. The timing is for my benefit, yep absolutely.

He absolutely does have it good, and he knows it, unfortunately for him I am an all or nothing person, and guess what there is nothing left to give. He had everything but it wasn't enough, he is an addict, and that is his first love.

It's like the game of pass the parcel, well now I'm passing the parcel on. I'll ring his mum and ex in the morning so they can also be prepared.

Two weeks is totally reasonable.....

.....for a rational, reasonable person. But that is not what you are dealing with. If you expect him to look for alternative accommodation, pack up and then move out seamlessly then you are mistaken. He will at best ignore you, or beg and plead, threaten suicide, trash your home, steal etc. You need to do this asap....it will probably take 2 weeks ti get rid of him. Have you RL support? Can you get advice from police? Do your neighbours know what is going on?

OP, he will morph into the man you fell in love with in the next two weeks and YOUR addiction centre in your brain will convince you that he's changed and you'll get your fix of lurve and attention and delude yourself that he's changed. Rinse and repeat. Seriously OP - chuck him out now. He'll be doing nothing but working on you in the next two weeks so he won't be in a worse place if he leaves now.