Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

OP....you need to read this book - it will turn your life around 180
www.overdrive.com/media/311680/codependent-no-more

I was like you. It is controlling, indulgent, enabling - you will only see this once you explore Co-dependency and this will stop you falling into a similar relationship. In time you will see that Isetan is 100% right.

Sorry this is hard to hear.

Op your an intelligent person .... run. Heroin users are master manipulators and completely selfish, he doesn't love you his priority is clearly heroin.

Heroin is not a drug you use "occasionally" for long , it's probably much more than you know of. I had a close family member who was a heroin addict we all tried to support her/ help her.

We spoke to a drugs charity who said the best thing you can do for a heroin addict is nothing at all, do not enable them. They will only hit rock bottom alone and only then will they consider stopping. - we all thought this was awful advice and cruel and didnt listen. Long story short one by one she manipulated everyone till she had no one. Only then did she seek help .

OP. No one is having a go at you. They are only concerned for you.
A lot of us have been where you have been - we understand. That's why we are so concerned about you giving him so much time to leave. He can do so much more damage in that space. You owe him nothing.

I get it OP. Be strong, be brave. You CAN do it

Kick him out OP-one of his junkie mates can put him up and deal with his shit

I'm awake, Matt the cat who is probably the only male who has ever truly loved me is lying in bed with me I have a cup of tea and he just had some milk and dreamies like a midnight feast but two hours late. Meanwhile downstairs junkie face who will be now be called JF is sleeping and snoring like a hippo and sweating like a snowman with sunstroke.

I re-read all of your posts, there is a lot of common sense and advice. I had never heard about co-dependency so started reading and it's hit Home hard.

I should have not let him in last night, in retrospect. He could have gone back to his friends place and stayed there.

I don't know what the hell has happened to me, when I'm at work I'm so on top of my game, I'm on a mission, Outside of this though I am another person, I can't even decide what to order when eating out, is that just me? I hope not.

I'm strong at work and weak outside it seems thinking about it. When these two weeks have passed I might need to speak to someone to help me on this.

Regarding the comments about JF trying to soften me up you were right! I had another bath tonight (must have some kind of mermaid ocd) washed my hair, was sitting at the table and low and behold next thing was 'aww your hair looks lovely, would you like a cup of tea?" A few months ago I would have been happy with these compliments, but now I see them as a means of placidity. If anyone sees my missing self esteem can they send it back to me please.

There is one thing I did want to state about locking up valuables etc, I am lucky that JF has never once asked me for money, or I've ever had anything go missing. He does work, every single day, and earns good money. However he could turn vengeful over the next two weeks so tomorrow anything of any value that could be sold on no questions asked will be locked up at home. I do listen thanks for all your support today I really appreciate it.

If anyone sees my missing self esteem can they send it back to me please.
It's in the post.

Big hugs OP. We're here for you.
I know it hurts now, and feels very dark and you feel very lost. But I promise it won't always feel like that. Better times are head of you.
I think getting some counselling is a very good idea. Just to help work your way through some of what you are processing.
I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. You need to make yourself the priority here. Be loving and kind to yourself.

You'd be better kicking him out now. While you've still got your furniture and TV. Because you're going to have to do it eventually.
I wouldn't leave your bank cards or anything else of value lying around either in the meantime.

Currently your partner ( sorry don't like the term junkie ) works and hasn't needed to resort to taking from you. Once his use increases which it will have to, I think it's doubtful he'll be able to carry on holding down his job. Of course that very much depends on what he's doing but once he's injecting four times a day it'll be much more difficult to maintain employment. He'll then have the same habit but no cash. That's when life will become more dire. Please please don't wait for this to happen because it will happen that he takes from you. Heroin is so so addictive and his use could end up costing him a couple of hundred a day. If he has that to spare from his wages great. However I very much doubt it. Life hasn't yet become what it will become. Please get out today

The best thing you can do is ensure you have some support. You have got it here, you need to get it in RL. Maybe the narcotics anonymous website can help. I second what everyone is saying about being codependent. I was there with my ex (he was alcoholic), the most important thing you can do is detach, don’t expect him to act like you would - and give him back his own sense of responsibility. He can choose the right path- it’s up to him not you. He doesn’t have to abuse you or your house. It’s his choice. If he does then make him go earlier. It’s not easy but it’s the right thing.

And actually, I wouldn’t send his stuff to his mum. She doesn’t need his problems any more than you do. It’s his stuff, send it to his work if he doesnt take it.

You are doing the right thing, you can’t cure him, only he can do that. Hand the choice back.

Namechange2222 he doesn't inject, not that it makes a lot of difference, it still finds its way into the bloodstream just a different delivery method.
He's actually terrified of needles, I hope he will always be.

Am so pleased that you've done this Ice, you're brilliant! You are escaping from what would have been a lifetime of stress, sadness, mistrust and destruction.

I'm pleased to see your update and that you taking on board the advice on this thread. Please do lock up all your jewellery, but also your electrical stuff - computers, cameras, phones, etc. That stuff is small, portable and easy to sell - particularly if you're a junkie - in fact it's much easier to offload than women's jewellery that he clearly will have nicked. Then please call the DC's DM and his parents. I know you've said you will - so do that tomorrow. You might find having a chat with them quite illuminating - apart from anything else.

Namechange2222 he doesn't inject, not that it makes a lot of difference, it still finds its way into the bloodstream just a different delivery method.
He's actually terrified of needles, I hope he will always be.

OP, I've yet to meet an injecting heroin addict that didn't start with smoking. And I'd be rich if I had a pound for every injecting addict that was, at one time, terrified of needles and who would, of course, never inject. It will cost too much as time goes by to continue to just smoke. All the very best with whatever you decide to do

OP please dont believe that whole he doesnt inject and is afraid of needles.
Every single heroin addict can say that at one time. Then it changes.
You dont know if he has injected or not at this stage.
Get yourself tested

By the way I've found your self esteem ...... I can see it clearly in your posts ... It's just dulled at the minute.

But once JF is out of your life you're going to get strong again & rise from this with your head held high xxxx

I’d say your self-esteem is very much intact. In your OP you said he’d destroyed you but with support from the lovely ladies at MN you’ve turned it round in a couple of days to throwing him out on your timescale so I’d say you’ve got this.
Btw no heroin addict sets out to inject, but they all do in the end, needle-phobic or not.

Op just hoping you're weekend was uneventful and JF hasn't given you any more problems.

If he's got a good job then he can stay at a travelodge.

Surely him staying creates more stress not less.

Kicking him out then calling the police if he tries to get back in is momentarily stressful but then he's blocked and gone.

Super stressful is kicking him out, not blocking him, not calling the police when he kicks in the door.

Do you think deep down that you can't take the easiest route of kick out now, block, police, silence?

If he's got a good job then he can stay at a travelodge

Just had a thought here. Has he been free-loading off you (car, food, bills, accommodation etc) ? This just leaves hims LOADS more to spend on his habit.

Monday Morning, another day nearer The big exit. Yesterday was uneventful, due to JF sleeping till 2.00pm.

I had a blitz on the domestic front kind of a spring cleaning day, did a mountain of ironing which was therapeutic, even the tea towels got ironed.

He does pay lodge/housekeeping I am of the opinion that the more I take of him financially the less he has to spend on drugs. I'm strict about that as well, a few months ago he did try and say something along the lines of you don't need it, but that comment was shot down immediately.

So I was up at 4.30, I have early starts, the phone was ringing of the hook by 6, and JF was quiet and went of to work. Now I am in the office and having my 10 minutes of coffee and me time.

Told his mum and ex yesterday that he is moving out, of course they wanted to know why, but I just kept it short and replied I am sure you know why, and didn't give any explanation. There is nothing more to say to them. He had a good run mooching of me, he will no doubt be on the hunt for the next naive gullible woman he can shack up with.

I am going to ring my friend tomorrow she actually works for the police so I will spill my guts and she will advise me, probably after she explodes at me for not telling her, or she might tell me she had an inkling about him, nothing really gets passed her. Time to fess all, lock stock and two smoking pieces of burnt foil so to speak.

Wishing you all a great day, and once again thank you for your advice and opinions, you have helped me so much.

Such strength from you OP xxx

Good for you OP. But I have to say, I don't know why you can't tell his parents and ex the truth. I don't think it helps anyone to continue keeping this massive secret, allowing him to continue to act like a normal respectable member of society, whilst actually being a junkie. I would just tell everyone you've kicked him out because it turns out he's a drug addict.

What if his mum or ex tell him what you have said ?