Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

[BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy]

This is no life for you OP. I have been there. You have started to realise this now and will find the courage to end it sooner or later

[another20]

Have you any RL support. You need someone to help you gte him out and keep him out.

Pay attention to all the PP on here who have been there - esp around finances, he ma well have run debts up against your home, in your name, stolen bank details etc.

You need to look at the end game for the kids.
100% they should not be around their DF is this state. YOU are enabling this. If you kick him out there is a chance he may clean up after reaching rock bottom and in time might be there for them. So this is what you need to enable.

But when you kick him out - slam that door tightly. Do not believe any claims that he has cleaned up.....if he does it will take years and years....dont hang around.

[Icepinkeskimo]

Thank you for all your advice and support, I went to bed last night with a heavy heart, just me and the cat. Until gone 2am when there was was banging at the door. I ignored it ( I took the house keys of him the last time I kicked him out, and no he's not having them back). So it carried on and on, to the point where I thought he would start kicking the door in. I went down to tell him go back to his friends place. He barged in off his face, the unmistakable Heroin Eyes look on his face, the loud raspy voice, telling me he hadn't been on it (yeah right!). Telling me he just wanted to sleep, I left him downstairs, I know that he can't sleep in that condition, and soon enough I heard that bloody games console at full blast.

I need a plan of action, and need it fast, so I let him know now or spring his departure from my life on him?

There is another option but it means I will have to bide my time. He occasionally works away, for 2/3 weeks at a time, so I wait till he is out of the country and then just box all his belongings up and send them to his mother?

In all fairness his mother knows about his addiction and he has broken her heart. She had to do the same in the end, which is what lead him to move to this area. She gave him the train fare and told him to never return.

I need to get my thinking head on, like I do at work.

So this morning he saw no reason why he shouldn't just jump in the car and get some milk, which resulted in me jumping outside grabbing the keys from the ignition and telling him "go walk to the shops junkie face!" The shock on his face was class, for the first time ever stunned silence. I don't know where the words came from, but for a brief minute I felt I had gained a moment of self empowerment back.

He walked to the shops I just now need him to walk out my life. Regarding the ExP of his I cannot believe she does not know, he has been doing the class A for over 15 years in varying degrees. I've only ever spoken to her on the phone and only about the DC, food preferences, taking them swimming, cinema, stuff I'd plan to do at the weekend with him and them. I'm just thinking now if she might have any addiction issues past or present his words where that she was wild when he met her on the rave scene 8 years is a long time to not know about his addiction. She did the right thing getting him out of her life, it must have been tough for her.

Junkie face is now passed out on the sofa, his breathing is laboured it's the sound of a hopeless
Addict, who once had the world at his feet, and now his world is pieces of burnt foil.

I'm going for a bath and a cry, thank you again for your words and kicking my arse back to reality.

I can't help him end of story, I tried I failed, but I'm not going to live my life like this anymore.

[Vangoghsear]

There is a way out and you know what it is. Get rid asap. You cannot change him if he does not want to change.

[Nannyplumssillyoldelf]

You can do this. Kick his sorry arse out before he drags you further down.

[Howlongtilldinner]

You may need a restraining order OP. He will continue this behaviour, he has no boundaries, and will beat the door down again, as he has no respect for himself or anyone else.

His ex, sure she knows, but it’s now someone else’s problem isnt it? But the ex/DC and he are NOT your problem, take steps to get him out immediately OP

[BeenThereDating]

If he has no keys why did you let him in? Next time talk to him through an upstairs window and tell him you'll call the police if he doesn't leave. Bag up his possessions, text him that you'll leave his possessions by the gate for him to collect before x time and if he's not taken them you'll drop them at the charity shop. Tell him you never want to see him again and do not believe any of the plausible changes he's going to make to prove he loves because you'll only be back here in 6 months' time.

[KochabRising]

You can do this.

One thing - nextctime he’s banging your door down you call the police.

[forumdonkey]

What are you waiting for to kick him out?

[Greenyogagirl]

Banging on your door, ring the police, don’t let him in!

[Mintychoc1]

OP you have to be firm here. Just tell him that he is no longer welcome in your home because he is a junkie, and you don't want to live with a junkie. Take his key, tell his Mum and his ex that he doesn't live with you any more, tell him you'll call the police if he comes back. I know it's always hard when a relationship turns out not to be what you'd hoped, but you've emotionally detached already, so now it's time to be practical

[LSad]

This sounds awful and i'm sorry for you! Leave him he needs tough love now. I know the thought of not being able to see his children is unbearable but it needs to be done and they have their mother to take care of them- let her know too (if she doesn't already)

[AdaColeman]

You were a mug to let him in last night.

[qazxc]

You have made the decision, now do it. Don't wait. There will never be a good time to do this.
Tell him it's over and he needs to pack a bag and leave now. You'll arrange for the rest of his stuff to be boxed up.
If he doesn't comply, get the police involved, it's your house and he has no rights.

[NathusiusPip]

What on earth did you let him in for?

It sounds like you want congratulations for calling him 'junkie face' and taking his car keys, whereas how you've behaved just demonstrates how totally enmeshed with him you are.

You should have told him firmly to leave from an upstairs window, telling him you'd call the police if he didn't go immediately. Then call the police. Don't engage with him further. Don't answer the door. If you suspect that he is drug driving, inform the police and give them his registration details.

[SavageBeauty73]

Why would you let him in? You have no ties to this man.

[Howlongtilldinner]

OP I know it’s hard when you have feelings for someone, it took a while for me to do it too. I believed his lies, and felt sorry for him, but I knew this wasn’t going to get better. He felt ‘safe’ with me, knew he could win me over, I’d ‘allow’ it, don’t let that become a habit with you.

However you have to do it just do it, whatever it takes. He is not the ‘man’ you thought he was.

[PrettyLittIeThing]

I'm not sure why you let him in Last night how bizarre. You could have called the police that's what you could have done.

[PrettyLittIeThing]

And yes I imagine the ex does know about the drugs.

[bonnyshide]

Why did you open the door to him last night?

Why is he asleep on YOUR sofa?

[TatianaLarina]

Every single second you spend not getting this man out of your life is wasted time you could be investing in a functional relationship.

Change the locks, put his stuff in bags outside and never let him in again.

If he turns up and kicks off call the police.

[BarbarianMum]

So whats wrong with you that you let this man (who you knew was high) into your house? Why didn't you call the police? Seriously, why didn't you - you need to know the reason. Why wajt for him to "go away for a few weeks"? Why not stick his stuff on the doorstep now?

[metalmum15]

Get him out today. He'll find somewhere to go, no doubt a junkie friend. He'll only be high functioning for so long. Heroin always wins in the end. If you wait 2/3 weeks you'll find some excuse to let him stay. If his ex was with him for 8 years, there's very little chance she's not aware of his habit, which also makes me wonder why she's happy to let him continue to see his kids.

[notapizzaeater]

You should have phoned the police last night when he was banging on the door. Will, he be off out tonight ?

[juneau]

Don't wait until he's next out of the country - that's just putting it off. OP you have gained some strength from this thread, but you're still putting off what you really should be doing.

1. Bag up his stuff NOW while he's passed out on your fucking sofa.
   
2. Dump it on the doorstep, wake him and kick his sorry arse out. He's not your problem! Why do you keep feeling responsible for him?
   
3. Tell him if he doesn't get out you'll call the police and then do it if he won't leave.
   
4. Call the police any time he comes banging on your door. FFS why did you open the door last night and let him in?????
   
5. Resolve to work on your self esteem, which is clearly very low. But I promise you that if you're strong over this it will be the first time in clawing your way back to having a healthy regard for yourself and your home and property (nice work, btw, for calling him Junkie Face!)