Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

You certainly cannot stay with him out of your continued desire as well to see his children. He is not a fit person to be at all around his children in any case. Tell these children's mother everything.

Agree with all above. Leave. You aren't tied down to him, you owe him nothing. Don't let him back in and don't look back.

Regarding the dcs. Totally understand your concern however it's their mothers job to deal with it, not yours. From the sounds, they shouldn't be around him at the moment anyway. Tell the mother but let her deal with it.

Hopefully losing you and his dcs maybe the wake up call he needs.

Waste no more time on this pathetic excuse of a man. To be blunt, yes he probably did target you but you are not responsible for this sorry excuse. Change the locks and do not answer or respond to him in any way if you value your life at all. Think about what you have and how you are in danger of losing it because some pathetic leech has decided to take it all away from you.

Please change the locks and inform their mother immediately. Contact isn't safe for those children at all. If the mother doesn't shield them call social services please.

You sound lovely op please don't put up with this rubbish

What would you tell a friend to do if it was happening to them ? Look into a mirror and take your own advice.

I agree that you should get him out of your home immediately and tell the DC's DM what is going on. If you care about those DC (and you clearly do, because you're ruining your own life over the thought of never seeing them again), then do this for them. You're not married to this man, you don't have shared DC with this man and you clearly admit that he probably targeted you as lonely and solvent. Please stop letting him abuse you. This won't get better. He won't turn into the person you thought he was when you first met. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW. You can't save him from himself, it's as simple (and sad), as that. Your love cannot save him. Accept that and then save yourself (which you can do).

Thinking about it, also make sure, when you kick him out, that he has ABSOLUTELY NO ACCESS to any of your paperwork at all. Because it sounds as though he's not that far from a downward spiral that might mean he manages to either sell or defraud you out of your home, in order to provide himself with plenty of money.

An addict has to feel the consequences of their poor choices, and reach rock bottom, before they decide to seek recovery. Your boyfriend is not at that stage yet, as he has a roof over his head, job,car and he gets to see his kids. You can take action to protect yourself, by contacting the Police if he becomes abusive and getting a legal order in place to prevent him coming back to your house. Your home should be your sanctuary.
I had to use the Police to remove my son from our home, due to all the awful behaviours associated with drug misuse. That was six years ago, and my son is doing well now. I get support from Families Anonymous, which is also for friends etc of drug users.

By giving him a roof over his head you are enabling him to continue. He is an addict, drugs are the only thing he loves right now.

Get out now, protect your possessions, home & money. Tell the children's mother immediately.

If you continue enabling him the only way this will end is with one if you in a coffin.

OP please get him out of your house and your life. You’re right, he probably did target you. Try to speak to the children’s mum and she may let you carry on seeing them from time to time. But honestly, you can’t carry on enabling this behaviour. You might well save his life by giving him the chance to hit rock bottom.

Remember he has people to go to and friends when he's scoring, let them take him in. He's making himself homeless, not you and you said he's got family too, let them deal with him. His ex needs to know as it's a safeguarding concern for his DC's. Don't waste any more of your time on this abusive loser.

FFS grow yourself a backbone and kick this waste of space out of your house and out of your life. He called you a scruffy cunt for not washing up the cat's bowl? I would have no self respect left if I let someone speak to me like that in my own home. Get angry, woman, and get him the fuck out of your life!!

His children are not your responsibility, however you absolutely do need to let their mother know that he's a heroin user.

If he hasn't already he will soon start selling your belongings to get himself more drugs.
My BIL is a heroin addict. The things he has done are outrageous. You don't owe this man anything. You can't help him. Kick him out and do not let him back in. He has family.

You have been together 18 months, he moved himself in to your home and is a drug addict.

Read your OP back to yourself, if it was a friend writing it what would be your advice?

He is using you, he took advantage of you as he saw you were vunrable. I have been in a similar situation, my last partner moved himself in after a few weeks, it lasted a year, he became abusive (sexually and mentally), he played the victim and he used his kids to make me feel sorry for him and them.

Kick him out and move on, your worth more, there are nice men out there and even if you can’t find one being single is not that bad (as I am learning).

Just a thought on the DC....if I was their mother and realised that you knowingly allowed a drug addict around my DC I would never trust you or allow you access again.

If you contacted me as you were concerned and told me everything, I would appreciate and acknowledge you were responsible and cared about my DC, I would allow you to keep contact with them in the future.

This man cannot be around his DC in the state he is in, you would be an accomplice if you allowed it.

I'm sorry that you are in this position.
But unless you cut him out of your life now, things will only get worse.
I understand that you are attached to the children and that it makes the situation that more painful, but you will get over it. Inform their mum about his drug use so that she can protect them and change locks, have his stuff packed.
You deserve so much better.

the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart.

Harden your heart, OP, I never give advice like this on MN, but please- having been married to an abusive drug addict (my first marriage) I can guarantee you this will not resolve.

Get him out out out in any way you can. Protect yourself. It will also ultimately be better for the man's children if you stop enabling him.

I have to go against the grain here, and say that although it sounds nice and comforting that you could remain in his childrens' lives, l think that if you did so it would be an easy way of him getting back into your life.

Remember how very quickly he moved into your house? This man is a skilled manipulator as many addicts are, and already knows your weak points.

Far better for you to have a clean break with him and his family. Yes you might miss the children, but you will have to be strong in order to safeguard yourself.

Please tell the children's mother!

You want something from this man that will never be real. Try and think more of yourself.

Yes I don't think the op should stay in contact with the children. She needs a clean break.

This has to finish now op. If you let him back after tonight you will be disgusted with yourself. Change the locks. If he has had access to your bank card you need to get things changed asap. Any financial docs he knows about you will need to watch.

Separate the children issue. You sound such a nice, caring person who deserves so much better than this and lets face it, anything is better than this. You need to speak to their mother. My feeling is that you are looking after them whilst he is supposed to be having contact. You not only provide food, warmth, lovely accommodation, a car but you provide childminding services.

The children are not safe with him because he loves the drug more than them. Let her know now and do not let him back in because things will get worse. If he is not stealing from you now, he soon will be.

If you can't get access to the mother, inform social services. (but it wouldn't be hard to get her contact details from his phone? Regardless, I'd still inform social services.)

I hope you're seeing things clearly now you've had these excellent replies. Yes he targeted you, yes he will utterly destroy you - pillage your house and possessions and health - sooner rather than later; in fact I'm astonished he hasn't started already.

Be brave op. You can do this. Your continued presence in his life is ensuring he continues his addiction - without you it wouldn't be anything like as easy. If you value and care for his kids then do the right thing.

Families Anonymous

Kick him out.
Problem solved

Leave him. Tell the children's mother about the heroin use. Get counselling for yourself so you can grieve properly. He won't change, you are enabling him. And yes, he will probably spiral, but that is his responsibility, not yours.

It's hard to watch a partner crash and burn - I'm watching my STBXH do it right now - we have been married almost 20 years, together 25. His drug of choice is alcohol, but it's the same thing. He has just lost his job through non-attendance at work. The temptation to jump in and help is huge, but you cannot help. Let this man go and look after yourself.