Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

[QuiteLikely5]

Glad to see you have not lost your momentum op!

H is such a nasty vile drug. Unfortunately no one can compete with it.

Often addiction is progressive. He manages to hold down a job etc at the moment but I don’t believe he will be able to continue in the same way as feeding ones addiction becomes priority due to the withdrawal effects if nothing else!

Addiction is something that only the addict can truly overcome. Outside supports are fruitless until a person decides to get clean

You’ve not said if he’s using every day yet but please consider asking him to stay st his friends on the weekends or wherever he is using. Usually these places are dirty flats tbh.

[juneau]

Good for you OP. It sounds like you've really got momentum behind you now and there is no going back. Keep strong. And good idea to have a chat with your police officer friend. I'm sure she'll be able to give you some good support and advice - just what you need.

[beachbodyunready]

I know it's unlikely but has he made any attempt to move out?

[Mishappening]

I am sorry, but living with an addict is a recipe for unhappiness. You really do need to break free. You do not want to get sucked into dealing with his misery, which is an impossible task.

[Icepinkeskimo]

Apologies for the lapse of updating, it's gone 3am, and I can't sleep, my mind is like a washing machine right now. Nearly at D day, and I'm not feeling great. I felt so ill last week I dragged myself to the doctors, who besides thinking that I am suffering from anxiety and depression sent me for some blood tests, which weren't so good, my liver is playing up, so had more blood taken on Monday morning so am waiting on more results. I came away with a prescription for some anti anxiety meds but after reading the potential side effects I haven't taken any yet. But this business with my liver is worrying me, I'm feeling exhausted right now, I'm coming home sleeping for a couple of hours and then going through the motions.

JF has not considered the fact that I'm ill once, no surprise there, but once he is gone I will concentrate on me and a long weekend of peace and quiet might be what the doctor has ordered.

So Monday night he finally said that he is going on Friday, I am praying he stays true to his word and goes quietly without a fuss. If not I have already told him the police will be called and will deal with him. In the back of my mind, I am on high alert, i am dealing with a highly volatile man. He tried to turn it around by saying that it was my fault the relationship has gone down the pan, I never say sorry, I nag, I dictate, you name it I am it according to him I am difficult and spoilt. You couldn't make it up.

I feel wobbly right now, this has to happen though, this is serious I have to see it through or I know what my life will be like, more of the living hell I accepted, I can't do it no more.

I just want to feel normal again, not painting on a face of normality at work and dreading the weekends. Yes he was of his face again Friday night, this has just re-enforced the reality I cannot live like I have been.

Sorry for the woe is me posting, having a hard time holding it together.

[Eric1964]

Ask yourself where you'll be in ten years' time if

a) you do kick him out

b) you don't kick him out.

[titsbumfannythelot]

You can do this. Friday isn't too far away now. You need to do this for yourself. Have you got lots to keep you occupied until Friday?

[PersianCatLady]

Kick him out.

I hate to worry you but have you had unprotected sex with this man??

If yes, then get yourself tested for HIV and Hep ASAP even if he swears to you that he has never shared a needle and has recently tested negative for all BBIs

[FlappyFish]

Hi Icepinkeskimo,

Sending you strength. You can do this.

I’m a recovering addict - my drug of choice was alcohol instead of heroin. But however much he functions now he will tip over that precipice. I did after years of drinking each night. Then the hangovers got too bad. Then the withdrawal. I didn’t care about getting to work. I didn’t care about anything other than stopping how I felt.

You’re making the right choice and ignore all his comeback. It’s just his manipulation to try to pacify.

You can do this.

[PersianCatLady]

OP please dont believe that whole he doesnt inject and is afraid of needles. Every single heroin addict can say that at one time. Then it changes
I agree * 100

Once heroin addicts get to the stage that your JF is in, any prior feelings about injecting go right out of the window.

You cannot use heroin for a period of time and get as wasted as you have said your JF does in your posts without injecting.

By now he has developed a tolerance to heroin and he just won't be able to smoke enough heroin to satisfy his cravings.

Also, smoking heroin is pretty wasteful and heroin is expensive so addicts want to get as high as possible, as cheaply as possible and injecting heroin is the best way for them to do this.

I am sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I cannot stress enough the importance of getting yourself tested for BBIs as I do not believe that your JF has not been injecting heroin.

Even if I am completely wrong and he is telling you the truth, what have you got to lose by getting yourself tested??

If you get tested and your results all come back negative then you haven't not lost anything except maybe a couple of vials of your blood.

Good luck!!

[Springiscoming123]

good luck op

[namechange2222]

This next couple of days will be hard. Thoughts are with you and my admiration too. Can you have someone with you on Friday? It doesnt sound like he'll put up a fight but, unless he's got a nice, warm and cheap place to go to, he may well change his mind last minute
All the best with the blood results
I had a dodgy liver function test once years ago, had to have a repeat and it was perfectly normal. Tests can be wrong

[cupoflemontea]

I've had a couple of ex addicts and I did go 'full rescuer' mode on them. What a waste of time.

Nothing changes they just get older, have less money and stink more. What is it about that smell??

Yuk. And bad teeth. Hideous.

[SealSong]

Good luck for today, OP.

[Icepinkeskimo]

The house is quiet, just me and the cats. He has left, he went back to where he was living when I met him, the flat had become vacant the week before as luck would have it.

Last night was traumatic, he was on a mission to get all his belongings together and he did so quietly and composed. It was almost as if he couldn't wait to go, I will come to that later.

We did argue unfortunately it was about money, he hadn't paid me any housekeeping so i asked for it and his reply was he was broke. It may be the truth he may well have done, but I suspect he would rather spend it on class A than hand it over. He said I had got what I wanted and hoped I was happy now.

I am sad, because of this one statement he said and it was from the heart...

"If I could stop, I would but I can't, I really can't" it was the voice of a man who has lost hope in ever getting clean from his addiction and the first time he has admitted to me he believes there is no hope for him. My heart broke, but I know I can do nothing.

There is no victory to be won, no celebration, I feel grief stricken and defeated. Heroin has won, it will always win, he is just another statistic, somebody's son, father, partner, who's life is ruled by his addiction. Nobody grows up wanting to be a heroin addict, some make one wrong decision when they are younger from a dealer offering a couple of free samples and it's game over.

He hugged me as he was leaving and said sorry and thanked me for all the time we had together, and then he was gone.

So he's gone, and he's gone to a flat where the woman I suspect is also a heroin addict ( I did my research once I knew her name, people should be careful what they post on social media) low and behold photos of her, with the same H eyes, video clips of her off her face, and him commenting how sexy she is and her commenting love you back to him. So that is that.

My emotions run from grief to anger to despair and then calm. I will be ok, I will learn to be myself again, and in time start to enjoy life. I am not going to cancel my holiday it was booked months ago, I will sit on that sunny beach and enjoy the view, I'll be by myself but I'll be ok, I'm not going to look back just look at what Positive and good and lovely people and things I have in my life. I will also try not to be bitter and twisted about him, and what's happened, that may take some time though.

Thank you all for all the advice, support and experiences that some of you have had. You were like a shining light to me on my darkest days. Ohh god here come the tears again, but the truth is I don't think I could have got through this without you all, just thank you from the bottom of my heart xx

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Well done for having the courage to see this through.

You were in the road to nowhere and he still is. His life will get a million times worse

Please be careful, you may we’ll find he tries to win you back or even contacts you just to beg for money etc

Enjoy that holiday x

[beachbodyunready]

I'm glad he went quietly and without fuss, I really didn't think he would do perhaps he's not completely bad.

[TempusFugitive]

Don't blame you for putting your project at work before the BIG project of getting him out of your house.

Hope he goes without too much of a struggle.

[TempusFugitive]

oh sorry, catching up! Glad for you

You probably think it's dramatic but I'd block him, and change the locks....

[SealSong]

Well done for seeing this through. You did the right thing; you can't change him, he can only change himself if he chooses to do so. That is up to him.
You can now focus on reclaiming and enjoying your life. Once the tears slow, you can enjoy the feeling of the weight lifted from your shoulders.
It's understandable to feel sad and grieve, but realise some of your grief will be for lost possibilities, and that is based on hopes, not reality.
Look to the future now, OP, and get on with enjoying your life. x

[Teabay]

Well done OP.

Advertise for someone with his name to go on hol with you as a companion - interview them all and take the most interesting! Separate rooms, obvs!

[Smokenbubbles]

Get him out before anything bad happens. My dad used to live in squats with junkies and had many junkie friends and he told me in the end you all they really care about is heroin and no matter how good of a friend or lover you are heroin will always come first and they will steal from you and anybody else. Get out now. Sending hugs.

[Smokenbubbles]

Oo sorry I hadn't seen your post. Well done you're a strong and amazing woman.

[Squeegle]

Well done, you’ve done the right thing. It is sad and a shame but ultimately it is up to him. He started and it’s up to him to finish. You can’t affect it and so you’ve definitely done the right thing in removing him from your life. Stay strong

[user1510568216]

@Icepinkeskimo what a brilliant post. In time you will feel a massive burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Onwards & upwards for you. Enjoy your holiday.