Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

[Icepinkeskimo]

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

[Icepinkeskimo]

Morning Beachbodyunready (great name). I had my test results back on Friday all negative and clear for hepatitis, so now they think my liver has had to much of the prescription pain killers that they have kept me on for the last 2 years!! I stopped them immediately so had a case of the rattles over the weekend and even into Monday. Ironic isn't it? now they have given me sleeping tablets (not even going down that route!)
Ex is not pestering me, he rang last week, and said that he does need counselling and will go and get it, however I am not hopeful that he will actually do this, and its nothing to do with me anymore. He has to do it for himself.
Life is quiet now, in fact its boring, but I will take boring over drama any day of the week!

[beachbodyunready]

Op just wondering if everything is ok? Hope your test results were clear and your ex is not pestering you.

[Mellifera]

Hi OP,
read the whole thread, you’ve done so well!

(Hope the liver function tests were ok, those blood results can be all over the place if you just had a cold/flu virus).

His mum sounds lovely, and so do you, but only he himself can change things.

Don’t feel bad about kicking him out, you’ve absolutely done the right thing and have been so patient.
It’s totally ok to grieve for the relationship that wasn’t to be, but that is not your doing, it was his.

[Milliejay06]

Hi
I can sympathise with you I really can my partner is an alcoholic
If I was you if he starts to call you names been obviously on drugs I’d call the police let him be arrested and if bailed he won’t be allowed back near you
If the situation is getting worse I’d seriously consider this for your own safety .
My partner took crack one day in front of me but never since and when his so called friend came round to give him more I went mad and told him I’d report his dog as being an illegal breed if he ever came near my partner again and it’s wirked he stays away.
You maybe able to get him help if that what he wants but huni he going to need to want it

[beachbodyunready]

Xici could well be right in connecting your liver problems to his addiction, make sure your GP knows that your ex-partner is an addict.**

[XiCi]

Don't want to worry you OP but with your liver results together with him being a heroin addict you may need to be tested for Hep B & C. Hope everything works out OK for you, sounds like an absolute nightmare

[juneau]

It is normal and healthy to feel sad and low after a break-up OP, but he didn't break up with you and you aren't somehow inadequate - remember YOU broke up with HIM because he's a heroin addict. You have done the strong, brave and ultimately only thing you could do unless you wanted to be dragged down by the same drug that is dragging him down. Again, please be kind to yourself.

[beachbodyunready]

Op you haven't heard from him because it's the weekend and he's probably been off his face for the majority of it. This should show you without a doubt what his first love is - heroin. The woman he's moving in with will enable him to keep taking and normalise the drug culture he surrounds himself with things will get worse. It will only be a matter of time before he is injecting if he hasn't already, like others have said they all say they'd never inject until they do. You really have had a lucky escape, although you're sad for a relationship that has ended. Things will get better.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Not wild enough?? Op that's crazy. Having a class a addiction isn't wild it's grim. You're fine as you are x

[Blit]

That's really kind of you to think of his mother, it is indeed a hard and never ending road.

You sound like a lovely woman, if he couldn't change for you he probably never will, you've done exactly the right thing. Just accept the sad bits, enjoy the good days, and don't look back too often.

[serene12]

Thanks, it is extra hard to be the mum of an addict, as our maternal instinct is to protect and provide for them, despite that they're adults. I've been going to Families Anonymous meetings, for a few years now. I realised that I had been enabling my addict, by giving him money, buying him food etc, thus freeing up money for him to buy drugs, I was keeping him sick.
I have stopped enabling and rescuing him, I have had to Love and Let him go, to let him lead the life he chooses. I'm so proud of my son, he's now at college, has a part time job and has managed to get a council flat.
I hope your exDP's mum reachs out for support, as it is heartbreaking to see your child suffer this terrible disease, but there is always hope.

[Icepinkeskimo]

Thank you for your great support and beautiful words, I truly appreciate them all.

Sunday Night, over 48 hours since his departure, I haven't heard a thing from him, which is good but unsettling if that makes sense. His mother texted me to wish me a happy Easter, i thought she must know, but she hadn't and was heartbroken. However this lady bless her has no illusions about her son, and told me, she completely understood the reasons why I ended it and had hung on longer than most would have. The kicker was she said she believed I was the best thing that had happened to him and it gave her a tiny bit of hope that he would try to get help or counselling. I don't know who feels more heartbroken now, me or her. We don't think about the mothers of addicts to much, you bring your baby into the world love them, protect them, keep them safe, and hope they have a happy life. They are always your baby no matter what age they are. She's a great mother, loving, and funny, but her son is an addict and she spends her time fretting and worried.

I cannot be the only woman going through this right now, there must be others in the same position or who have been in this situation in the past.

Yesterday I was fine (well less tears) today I feel really low. I think it's part and parcel of life at the moment, good days and then sad days. Living on sandwiches and coffee, even had a few cigarettes today, god knows how much I would drink if I hit the bottle! I won't though you have my word.

How long will it take to feel like me again? I keep looking over the living room expecting to see him sitting there but he's gone...

I thought today, he must have thought I was a bit boring, not wild enough, for some reason that made me feel worse. I feel old and frumpy, for some reason, if I start wearing beige and buying sensible shoes I will ask my friends to intervene. Yesterday I went and had a pamper, hair nails the works and I still feel old.

I hope the world looks better tomorrow, something has to give.

Happy Easter to you all x

[juneau]

Well done OP for seeing this through. Your fragility shines through in your writing and this has clearly been absolutely awful for you and really impacted your health. I hope the holiday helps you to heal and that the liver problems are temporary. Hopefully the anxiety will be easier to control now that JF is gone. Be kind to yourself and happy easter

[user1510568216]

@Icepinkeskimo what a brilliant post. In time you will feel a massive burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Onwards & upwards for you. Enjoy your holiday.

[Squeegle]

Well done, you’ve done the right thing. It is sad and a shame but ultimately it is up to him. He started and it’s up to him to finish. You can’t affect it and so you’ve definitely done the right thing in removing him from your life. Stay strong

[Smokenbubbles]

Oo sorry I hadn't seen your post. Well done you're a strong and amazing woman.

[Smokenbubbles]

Get him out before anything bad happens. My dad used to live in squats with junkies and had many junkie friends and he told me in the end you all they really care about is heroin and no matter how good of a friend or lover you are heroin will always come first and they will steal from you and anybody else. Get out now. Sending hugs.

[Teabay]

Well done OP.

Advertise for someone with his name to go on hol with you as a companion - interview them all and take the most interesting! Separate rooms, obvs!

[SealSong]

Well done for seeing this through. You did the right thing; you can't change him, he can only change himself if he chooses to do so. That is up to him.
You can now focus on reclaiming and enjoying your life. Once the tears slow, you can enjoy the feeling of the weight lifted from your shoulders.
It's understandable to feel sad and grieve, but realise some of your grief will be for lost possibilities, and that is based on hopes, not reality.
Look to the future now, OP, and get on with enjoying your life. x

[TempusFugitive]

oh sorry, catching up! Glad for you

You probably think it's dramatic but I'd block him, and change the locks....

[TempusFugitive]

Don't blame you for putting your project at work before the BIG project of getting him out of your house.

Hope he goes without too much of a struggle.

[beachbodyunready]

I'm glad he went quietly and without fuss, I really didn't think he would do perhaps he's not completely bad.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Well done for having the courage to see this through.

You were in the road to nowhere and he still is. His life will get a million times worse

Please be careful, you may we’ll find he tries to win you back or even contacts you just to beg for money etc

Enjoy that holiday x

[Icepinkeskimo]

The house is quiet, just me and the cats. He has left, he went back to where he was living when I met him, the flat had become vacant the week before as luck would have it.

Last night was traumatic, he was on a mission to get all his belongings together and he did so quietly and composed. It was almost as if he couldn't wait to go, I will come to that later.

We did argue unfortunately it was about money, he hadn't paid me any housekeeping so i asked for it and his reply was he was broke. It may be the truth he may well have done, but I suspect he would rather spend it on class A than hand it over. He said I had got what I wanted and hoped I was happy now.

I am sad, because of this one statement he said and it was from the heart...

"If I could stop, I would but I can't, I really can't" it was the voice of a man who has lost hope in ever getting clean from his addiction and the first time he has admitted to me he believes there is no hope for him. My heart broke, but I know I can do nothing.

There is no victory to be won, no celebration, I feel grief stricken and defeated. Heroin has won, it will always win, he is just another statistic, somebody's son, father, partner, who's life is ruled by his addiction. Nobody grows up wanting to be a heroin addict, some make one wrong decision when they are younger from a dealer offering a couple of free samples and it's game over.

He hugged me as he was leaving and said sorry and thanked me for all the time we had together, and then he was gone.

So he's gone, and he's gone to a flat where the woman I suspect is also a heroin addict ( I did my research once I knew her name, people should be careful what they post on social media) low and behold photos of her, with the same H eyes, video clips of her off her face, and him commenting how sexy she is and her commenting love you back to him. So that is that.

My emotions run from grief to anger to despair and then calm. I will be ok, I will learn to be myself again, and in time start to enjoy life. I am not going to cancel my holiday it was booked months ago, I will sit on that sunny beach and enjoy the view, I'll be by myself but I'll be ok, I'm not going to look back just look at what Positive and good and lovely people and things I have in my life. I will also try not to be bitter and twisted about him, and what's happened, that may take some time though.

Thank you all for all the advice, support and experiences that some of you have had. You were like a shining light to me on my darkest days. Ohh god here come the tears again, but the truth is I don't think I could have got through this without you all, just thank you from the bottom of my heart xx

[SealSong]

Good luck for today, OP.