The Fabulous Crown wearing cafe. No contact thread part 9...

[seshi]

Hello ladies for anyone attempting, going through or wanted to try No Contact. We don't judge on here... Just lots of lovely support and advice... Come join us

And finally (after I told him to put his money where his mouth is, and book up with a couples counsellor)

I am not blaming you for the issues that we have had. But it is a fact that your cycle is effecting how we cope and has been getting more severe. I'll do anything you like, as long as you acknowledge this and talk to professionals who might be able to help.

To which I have replied:

"thank you for explaining my problems to me. I'll beat your comments in mind. I still don't want to see you."

I think that's exactly what he expects you to feel ginger! Has he tried the 'you'll never find anyone else who will put up with you' line yet??

Awesome ginger! He won't know what to make of you disrupting the REAL cycle of his manipulative behaviour.

What'll it be, hot chocolate, brandy, fizz?

Ooh I’ve found you! It was suggested on my thread I started that I came here

Having a crappy time with an ex who treats me like dirt on his shoe. I’m only good for one thing and have been for months - need to break the cycle!!

Turning point was him inviting me out, being all over me then chatting someone else up at the end of the night whilst he thought I couldn’t see him!

So I’m done.
I’ve gone 4 weeks NC before and I’m determined that This is it now

But it won’t be easy

Hope you don't mind @Belonger but I nicked and adapted your response:

I'll have a fizz with a brandy chaser!!

Oh god ginger, what a knob! How condescending “I can literally look in my diary” and I bet he fucking does as well. Mine used to say the same thing - “shark week is it?!” until I pointed out that it wasn’t ‘shark week’ that was generally the tricky one for most women, it’s the on before. Then he would conveniently leave any argument that happened at any other point out of his equation, try to tell me that I had my dates wrong etc.

In the end I just said ok maybe I am less tolerant of your bullshit at certain times of the month. If for one week I am able to say “I’m not having this” instead of quietly putting up with it like I do the rest of the time, that still doesn’t make your behaviour ok.

Fab message ginger. Well done.

Hello ontheshelf sorry you’re in the same boat. Pull up a chair

@MyRelationshipIsWeird thanks! I've just used that. It won't make any difference. I'm the mad, hormonal harpy who should be grateful for his concern and I'm deluding myself that it's anything other than my problem to deal with!

But I'm not engaging for the rest of the day.

I think the most pertinent point in your message is “I do not trust you”. It’s pivotal to admit that.

Chair has been firmly pulled up to the table!
Think I’ll need all the help I can get
Sorry to see so many of us in similar boats but it’s quite supportive at the same time

Welcome ontheshelf, good to meet you. You can so totally break that cycle, and we will support you.

ginger I'm proud to have inspired a word or two in your exchange! You're on fire, and he will be wondering what the hell is going on,that you're not rising to his crap.

pours drinks, puts Alanis Morissette on juke box

@MyRelationshipIsWeird yes. Interestingly he has completely ignored my 'trust' comment. Because of course that requires an acknowledgement that he has stuff to work on too!

proposes toast to mad hormonal harpies everywhere god love us all!

Cheers!!!

I was just trying (& failing) to find something I remember seeing before about how when women have PMT it makes our hormone balance more like a man’s, so basically they have PMT the whole time and we are supposed to deal with it, they only have to deal with us being overly hormonal 1/4 of the time. However, I don’t know the science behind it (if there is any) - it just made me laugh.

How long were you together ontheshelf ?

ginger can we all come with you when you go for your blood tests tomorrow? We'd be awesome company.

Hello @ontheshelf have a glass of something and choose a tune for the jukebox, it's turning into a lovely little place!!!

@Belonger I'd love you to!!!

Hi Belonger and ginger 👋🏼 I think I’ll have a glass of something bubbly and must admit Alanis is one of my favourites so am happy with that choice!

MyRelationship we were only together a year but it was very intense, I’ve got myself addicted to the highs but the lows make me feel utterly miserable!

So this was his parting shot:

To conclude. You become erratic, more tired, short tempered, irrational, the pitch of your voice changes, over protective, you become belligerent about stupid things like films that we're watching. Two weeks further in you are lovely, fun, professional, light hearted, funny, confident, understanding, loving.

That's me told then! No acknowledgement of the trust issues, no mention of how his behaviour contributes to my mood. Nope. It's ALL me.

So I told him I apologise for my biology and will ensure not to inflict myself upon him further. Poor man deserves a fucking knighthood doesn't he?

nk asked me earlier how my NC guy makes me feel like I'm hard to love, and I've been thinking about it.

It's a familiar tale I'm sure about his inconsistent messaging, and leaving off in the middle of text conversations, leaving me dangling after some pretty intense time together. Symbolic of a wider long term pattern of me being more communicative than him generally. Long story which I won't go into.

BUT what I've realised is that I've developed through distinct phases.. initially bombarding him desperately with more messages and trying endlessly to get him to reciprocate my level of contact, real cycle of panic and abandonment fear and self hatred for being so 'needy'. Went on for literally years, on and off.

Then next stage of working on my NC ability, which has been brilliant and taught me a lot but has still been very much about 'managing' myself and my feelings, and been really hard work a lot of the time.

Where I'm at this week (only v recent and fragile!) is a new sense of 'he's just fucking rude' and I don't want to know him any more. Seeing very clearly after millions of false starts that his behaviour really does make me feel hard to love. Hard to like in fact. And I'm not!

So that's where I am this week. Dipped my toe in the water of contact with him last week and it was fine and fun until - bam- left dangling and feeling shit again.

That's when I decided to open the bar.

No. More. Shit.

@Belonger that brought tears to my eyes. I don't know you but you don't sound hard to love. It's shit to feel that about yourself. You're not. You're a good person. You deserve to not feel grateful that someone have given you 'love kernels' (crazy ex girlfriend), and to feel that you're not worth more. Xxxx

Thanks ginger, I am a good person and I owe myself better treatment than I've been getting. The more I admit to myself how hard it is to be treated like that, the easier it is to walk away and the less effort NC feels. I'm still only talking about this week though and I don't trust myself not to forget!