Little Friend??

[FriendOrFwend]

Been seeing someone for 3 months, things are going well. See eachother once/twice a week, speak every day, speak on the phone. He’s met my sister (not planned, we bumped into her on a date) and she loved him. We haven’t had a talk about ‘us’ yet but feels like it’s all heading in the right direction. Until today when he referred to me as his little friend in a conversation.

Now I can’t decide if he was being affectionate/jokey OR he does not see me as anything as other then a mate who he goes out with, has a good time then has sex with. What do people think?

To clarify when I say yeah, take the tablet, I'm saying that assuming this is prescribed anti-anxiety medication?

I assumed, OP, that you are seeing someone about your anxiety as you're on medication and starting counselling. Apologies if I've got this wrong.

I'm not saying keep the anxiety from him - nothing to be ashamed of - but I don't think talking with him will sort this. Anxiety needs proper support. GP would be my first port of call. All the best OP.

OP, I wouldn't ask him directly. It would show you as needy and unconfident. I would behave like you're his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend

That is ridiculous advice

Since when did wanting to know where you stand make somebody needy and unconfident? If anything it’s the opposite! It shows that you have self respect and wish to know where you’re at rather than skipping along at his pace and letting him decide.

If I was seeing a guy who was too afraid to ask what was happening it’d be a turn off

I feel like all this has been over complicated. Just ask him what he’s thinking or if you’re together - pretend somebody asked you and it got you thinking!

But seriously, if you’re too afraid to ask him those sorts of questions I don’t think you’re ready to be dating. Men aren’t stupid, they can sense a pushover a mile away, and if he’s getting the benefits of a girlfriend without having to commit then he’s gunna be happy. Any decent man will commit and reply with “well yeah, I thought we already were official?” Or something similar.

Just ask him. This would give me a headache.

Ok so I think I might just text him and ask him. Nothing major and try to keep it light. Also I think if I ask by text it won’t be putting either of us on the spot too much. I just want to keep it light but I have no idea how to word it.

I understand people saying "Just ask" but tbh I think when there's anxiety at play that might not end up being entirely helpful.

Anxiety can make you read into every little thing - negatively - so a well meaning but clumsy response could make OP feel even worse. Or reassurance will help but only until the next time or you find something else to stress about.

Not saying talking to him is a bad idea, just that I don't think it's the main issue here and won't help the OP get over her anxiety in itself.

Sorry, OP, that's like I'm talking about you when you're not here. I'm fairly sure you can beat this anxiety or at least manage it. You're doing well so far by the sounds of it even if it doesn't feel like it.

Hope you're enjoying your day after your lovely evening (and it was a lovely evening - keep reminding yourself of that!).

I’ve been thinking:
Hey you. Hope works going ok. < insert something amazingly witty and endearing which I’ll think of later >. I’ve been thinking this morning whilst recovering from this hangover and are we official? I like you and think you’ve got an ok personality (we are very sarcastic like that) and didn’t know if we were moving on from being special friends. Anyway enjoy work, I’ll think of you as I enjoy my meal out tonight.

Aghhhh I don’t know. I know whatever I put I’ll rgeret anyway 🙈

xxxxxxxxxxx = he’s into you

Damson I start counselling on Monday so I’m hoping that and the beta blockers are really going to help. You are right though that even if I ask and get the answer I want I’ll obky start worrying about something else. This anxiety is horrendous, wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy.

Sorry, friend, cross-posted. I'm sure you're gut feeling will keep you right - it has so far.

Personally I wouldn't as not entirely sure it can be entirely lighthearted by text the day after a nice date - you know you're 'exclusive' already and it's more a thing I'd bring up during a date naturally. I dunno, bringing it up by text out of the blue makes it seem less lighthearted to me. Just seems a bit unnecessary.

But here, what would I know. It's whatever you think. Entirely up to you. You know him and how you normally communicate so you'll know best what to do. That's just my opinion about what I'd do and not advice.

Agree with damson

Do not send that text. It’s just weird.

Discuss it when you next see him. You can’t talk about stuff like this over text.

And why are you asking him about your status like it’s up to him?

I like your message, and I think it’s ok / stong to show vulnerability. Do you trust him to expose your soft underbelly?

How will you feel spiral if he takes a few minutes hours to respond?

Can you handle whatever reply you get?

Argh, cross post again.

Absolutely, anxiety really is a bugger but you are so aware of it, and seeking support, that I think you're going to manage it well. Give it time.

I don't want to tell you what to do but I think at the minute you aren't going to get the reassurance you want - because of your anxiety.

Your relationship is going well. It won't have changed since last night. I think you are only needing reassurance because of the anxiety.

Getting the reassurance today isn't going to change your relationship and it's not going to change your anxiety.

If there's any chance getting a response could make you worse then I wouldn't for your sake.

Maybe hold off until you start counselling? That way you'll have the support there to put whatever was said into perspective.

I just don't want you ending up spending the weekend unnecessarily fretting over something else that was said.

I just know how anxiety messes with you. BUT it won't always be like this. You're already on the right road.

When you're properly supported you'll be able to address any relationship worries you might have without anxiety muddying the waters, if that makes sense.

I think it’s been going eeally well between you two and you’re about to mess it up. Anxiety is awful but you’ve created a mountain put of a molehill. Wait till it feels natural to talk about it in person.

Does he know you siffer from anxiety? I’d mention this tbh and say sometimes you worry over little things. He should reassure you. I remember having were similar train of thought and came out with stuff too early and came across as too full on - now my anxiety is somewhat under control I can see how unneccesary my behaviour was.

I thought it was pretty normal to be a bit obsessed like this at the beginning! It’s a sweet head fuck.
Don’t ask him whether you’re official, why is that his decision? Don’t hand him that power! He’ll say he loves you when he’s ready, if that’s what you want but the best thing to remember is actions speak louder than words anyway and his actions are very positive! Some men promise the earth just to get you under them in every respect, don’t put yourself there. Hold tight and just enjoy being with him but don’t be needy. Keep seeing your own friends etc.
And fwiw he probably wanted to say ‘my little love’ or something then thought too much and changed it to friend!

No, don't send that. It sounds too needy and strange. I'm not saying you are just that's how it reads.

Just think about the memories of a lovely evening and look forward to seeing him again soon.

Ok I’m not going to send it. I’m a grown woman and sending texts like that is silly. There’s no massive rush, we had a good time last night, have already spoken several times since he left mine (text me at midnight when he got home, 6am when he got up for work, on his break and when he got home from work) and if I do send the text I will then be on absolute edge and climbing the walls with anxiety. I will discuss it face to face with him. Like I said before I’ll only find something else to worry about and I KNOW (because I know how my stupid mind works) that I’ll then be thinking he doesn’t really want to be with me. I’m going to wait for my counselling on Monday. This all stems from low self esteem when it comes to relationships and this is something I need to work on.

And I know I sound stupid going back and forth on what to do. There are no red flags or anything. He hasn’t done anything to make me think he’s not into me. Nothing. And I’m into him. I know it sounds like I’m giving him all the power but I’m just trying to learn my own mind around the anxiety that sends my mind spiralling. There’s been so many times anxiety has caused me to say/do something then once I’ve calmed down and the rational side of my brain has taken over I can see how silly I was being. And I just don’t want that to happen here

But last night (I’m in soft play with ds now, I have a lot of time to kill haha!) we were SO couply, holding hands, cudding on the settee, laughing and talking so much, kissing, talking about our families and work and things. It was so good. And I do feel like we are getting closer each day.

I’ve text him anyway but not sent that text. I’ve just been my usual witty, hilarious, charming, none obsessional self

Yeh I wouldn't send that text it's kinda cringey!

Do you know I find this modern dating all very confusing. I've been with my DH for 20+ years now.

With him and all the people I was in a relationship with before him...never once (that I can recall) did any of them ask if I'd be their GF.

They asked me out....we began a relationship and that meant we were BF and GF. I was introduced to their friends and family as a GF..and I referred to them as my BF.

There was never talk of exclusivity....as there seems to be these days...it was assumed as we were in a relationship...we were exclusive.

Heaven help me if I end up single in the future.

Modern times eh

It sounds like things are going great! I don't see a need to have an awkward conversation about being 'official'. What does that even mean anyway? You could agree that you are, but he could still break up with you the next day (or, indeed, you with him). It really doesn't sound like he wants to end the relationship from what you've said. If it feels right to call him your boyfriend, just do it, but only when it comes naturally. Don't force a conversation.

I was totally like you with my dh at the beginning. It was torture basically! It’s going well, it’ll be ok. I probably was over anxious too after relationship issues, obsessed with being left etc.

I'm glad you didn't send it. You both sound happy and contacting each other equally, it sounds like it's balanced and moving along just fine. Does it need an official label? If you have to do anything just tell him, when you're having a fun or cuddly moment, that you like him and hope he's happy too. See what he comes back with.

Ha ha. Good for you.

You don't sound in the least bit stupid. Far far from it. Anxiety does this to you. And you're doing something about it. Go easy on yourself.

But a soft play area when you're anxious? What are you, some kind of wonder woman?! You're a stronger woman than I.

• Apologies for my overuse of word 'entirely' earlier. Now that is stupid. I post like a fool. Curses to MN and it's lack of edit.

Enjoy your day. Seriously, be kind to yourself. You're way too hard on yourself.