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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Little Friend??

281 replies

FriendOrFwend · 06/03/2018 15:55

Been seeing someone for 3 months, things are going well. See eachother once/twice a week, speak every day, speak on the phone. He’s met my sister (not planned, we bumped into her on a date) and she loved him. We haven’t had a talk about ‘us’ yet but feels like it’s all heading in the right direction. Until today when he referred to me as his little friend in a conversation.

Now I can’t decide if he was being affectionate/jokey OR he does not see me as anything as other then a mate who he goes out with, has a good time then has sex with. What do people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendOrFwend · 12/03/2018 14:13

No definitely didn’t go to his dads :( all I can think is he meant to say go to bed. Or he’s a liar. Which I don’t understand as I don’t care if he’s at home or not. Makes me difference to me

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 12/03/2018 14:16

If it makes no difference, forget about it. I don't mean that flippantly I mean literally, box it off and forget about it. It's not important.

Original poster
FriendOrFwend · 12/03/2018 14:30

The home thing or the little friend thing?

It’s jusy hard because me ex was THE biggest liar you’ll ever meet. Honestly you wouldn’t believe you if I told you things he’d lied about. So I feel a bit hyper aware of it

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2018 14:37

Wow, take a step back there, FriendOrFwend! It might have just been a typo. He may easily have meant to type he was going to bed (especially if he really was tired).

Hope the rest of your counselling helps, you really do sound very anxious.

Bexter801 · 12/03/2018 15:08

I'd try not focus on it too much :),texts can be so easily picked up wrong,stupid autotype,etc,and he was exhausted....he had no reason to lie,so why would he have bothered :)

SparklyMagpie · 12/03/2018 15:09

I'd personally,although I understand as I know what it's like to have anxiety, he's given you no reason to doubt him before,so maybe just write this one off for now. Don't give yourself anything else to worry about x

Shockers · 12/03/2018 15:19

My guess would be that he meant bed. He sounds pretty nice from what you’ve said previously, so try not to concentrate on that one thing- just ask next time you see him, if it’s still niggling. I wouldn’t do it in an accusatory way though, as that would be enough to freak anyone out (I’m sure you wouldn’t anyway)!

Onecutefox · 12/03/2018 19:15

Could it be that he got his dad home first?

Original poster
FriendOrFwend · 12/03/2018 19:26

I feel crazy anxious constantly. I really feel like I’m losing myself to this anxiety 3 completely separate people have asked me if I’m ok in the past 7 days. And when I have said yes why? They’ve all said you seem different. I feel like I’m drowning!

BUT. New positive mental attitude. Going to try this whole ‘fake it till you make it’. He is lovely and we get on well so that’s what I need to concentrate on. Not dwelling on texts, time between texts or thinking too far in the future. Just Trying to breathe and enjoy it

OP posts:
user1518812545 · 12/03/2018 19:41

Anxiety is a bitch it really is, but I think you need to have a huge step back! It is exhausting reading this thread!

Lashalicious · 12/03/2018 19:51

Ok....op...take a breath and relax. You are overthinking all this to death. I’ve had anxiety in the past so I can relate but you need to stop going round and round in your head about all this. You do have a choice. Dwell and obsess to the ends of the earth about truly foolish things that don’t matter one iota or put your mind onto something much more constructive and healthy for you.

The secret to a wonderful romantic relationship is that when you meet the “one” there is no need to agonize like this. He will not be put off by any of these little things. No need to worry and fret. The other secret is that when you meet someone who is not the one, you really won’t need to agonize. What would you think of someone you dated who fretted like you are doing? It’s not helpful to anyone, least of all yourself, and shows you need to get a hold of yourself. The last thing is, even when you meet the “one”, it won’t be a perfect riding off into the sunset. There will be challenges of other sorts and you will need to be strong and confident in yourself. You can do it.

Your self perception is in the bin and for what? Previous relationships? You can’t base your worth on what anybody else has said or done to you, they have their own issues that likely have nothing to do with you.
Don’t wait until you’re too old to enjoy life to realize this.

I wish someone had told me this when I was younger.

About the “little friend.” If you’re being intimate with him, you should be assured of his feelings for you. If you’re not, then stop being intimate with him. I dated a guy once who was upset because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I guess we had been dating for a few months. I said I wasn’t ready and he wasn’t going to hurry me. That was the end of that. So what? Move on. The right relationship won’t require a bunch of soul searching and fretting. Don’t have sex with him if he just thinks of you as a friend. Ask him. Face to face. “Hey, in a text the other day you called me your friend. Yes, I’m your friend. What else am I to you?” Smile. Leave it open ended where he will have to come up with what you are to him. Very simple and direct. Be bold.

Cubicfoot · 12/03/2018 19:52

Agree with MairzyDoats, I call my short dw my little friend sometimes. Whoopies.

SmileyBird · 12/03/2018 19:58

I wouldn’t assume he was lying from that text. I would just ask him, but in a non accusatory way.

Original poster
FriendOrFwend · 12/03/2018 20:10

Thanks everyone. I know it’s exhausting reading this thread it’s even more exhausting being in my head.

I know I need to take a step back and I know I’m reading into every little thing. I’m in my head SO much. Not just with relationships, with everything. With work, being a mum, friend. I over analyse every single thing until I feel like crap. I haven’t always been like this at all. And that’s the worst thing. That’s why I’m trying so hard not to be like this. I really, really am
Trying. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to enjoy it and have a good time and just see where life takes me. I want that so much. But it’s easier said then done.

But I’m feeling a lot better tonight. Feel positive after the counselling, have lots planned with friends and family
This week and we have a date planned for Friday. So all is good in the world. Ds is staying at his dads tonight so I’m going to have a glass of wine, takeaway and long soak in the bath.

OP posts:
Cubicfoot · 12/03/2018 20:11

Re the text, had he been drinking? My drunken texts make no sense most the time.

Lashalicious · 12/03/2018 20:51

Sounds wonderful, op! Great update. Enjoy the bath and wine and dinner. Enjoy every moment and get yourself out of your head and into life.

PutUpWithRain · 12/03/2018 21:42

All sounds good, OP. The counselling is a really positive step, although at times it'll probably leave you feeling so churned up afterwards that you might feel worse, whilst you try to process things. My (fantastic, amazing, life-changing) nurse therapist used to say to me that I should always plan a treat for afterwards. Whether that was a coffee, stuffing myself with sweets, or just buying a newspaper - she always told me to give myself that little reward for just turning up and talking. It is a big deal, but it will be so worth it for you long term.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 12/03/2018 23:39

Just wondering do you have him on Facebook ? Is he definitely "single" he sounds lovely but worth a quick check if you haven't already xx

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/03/2018 00:29

I hope you found the wine, pizza & bath relaxing.

I could get hung for the crap my iPad spouts. Honestly. It changes whole sentences.

The thing that does concern me a little bit, is that several times now he’s just ignored a question you’ve asked him.

I don’t do Facebook, but I’d definitely get a friend to have a look at his, most people do these days.

Counsellors have shares in Kleenex, don’t be worrying about crying! It will help. Just having someone to off load to helps.

Hope you sleep well.

Original poster
FriendOrFwend · 13/03/2018 05:49

Yeah I have him on Facebook. I don’t really go on there but I’ve just looked at it says single. Why, do people think it sounds like he isn’t :( that would be horrendous.

I understand about him just ignoring things I’ve asked. Like the little friend thing and about being at home. Ahhh now I’m starting to doubt him

OP posts:
Shockers · 13/03/2018 07:14

Stop! Imagine how you’d feel if someone was analysing everything you said and did; it would be suffocating! Picture yourself back in that 🛀 Wink.

helhathnofury · 13/03/2018 08:00

Blimey can't believe people now suggesting he's not single, feeding op's anxiety further!

My phone changes words based on what it thinks I'm going to say sometimes, just because I often use a phrase. Then if I've realised have to send a second text to rectify word...but sometimes dont check what I've sent, so really wouldn't over think the home/bed bit.

Bixg · 13/03/2018 08:33

OP keep up with the counselling. I had 12 weeks of psychodynamic therapy and I hated every session and cried almost every time, but I forced myself to do it and wore sunglasses afterwards to hide my red eyes, rain or shine Smile.

As for being 'single you haven't spoken about exclusivity yet so his status is still showing single. If he's like me I don't shout about relationship status on fb, simply because I like to enjoy the first few months fairly privately plus I'd get loads of messages taking the piss

The text was most likely a typo.

You really bed to relax and take a breath. I'm concerned that you might jeopardise a good thing by listening to the chatter in your head or focussing on the (few) negative ninnies posting on your thread x

Bixg · 13/03/2018 08:34

need to relax... see how easy it is for typos to creep in Grin

SmashedMug · 13/03/2018 10:09

The text may have been a typo, but why wouldn't you clarify that when someone texts back asking about it? That would irritate me. Not the typo but that ignoring your question and then being all bright and breezy the next day.