Little Friend??

[FriendOrFwend]

Been seeing someone for 3 months, things are going well. See eachother once/twice a week, speak every day, speak on the phone. He’s met my sister (not planned, we bumped into her on a date) and she loved him. We haven’t had a talk about ‘us’ yet but feels like it’s all heading in the right direction. Until today when he referred to me as his little friend in a conversation.

Now I can’t decide if he was being affectionate/jokey OR he does not see me as anything as other then a mate who he goes out with, has a good time then has sex with. What do people think?

@AtrociousCircumstance

I can see why you'd say it's disempowering crap and to talk to him. I'd say the same if I thought the issue was the relationship but I think the issue is anxiety.

If the OP is shaking, feeling sick and has pains in chest - that's very real anxiety and not to be underestimated.

See where you're coming from and don't necessarily disagree with talking to him but maybe I'm coming from a more clinical point of view - anxiety is very real - so to me focusing on the (rather lovely) relationship and downplaying the anxiety is disempowering imo.

Anti-anxiety medication exists and is prescribed for a reason. No one would say "Don't take those anti-depressants, sure you've nothing to be depressed about" or "A wee chat will sort it out".

Thankfully the OP recognises she has anxiety and seems to be doing the all the right things in getting support which imho is very empowering.

(Besides as discussed - because of the anxiety and reading into things - any response she gets could actually make her feel worse atm.)

@FriendorFwend

Afternoon OP.

He really does sound lovely - right down to the no grand romantic gestures bit. He sounds so nice and, well, normal! The more you post the more I like him (and you). Tbh, for early days it couldn't sound any more perfect.

I hope you have a lovely day with family.

Re the "popping pills". I've said above what I think of that. Of course it's not just a case of taking a pill and burying your head in the sand. If you broke your leg or had depression you'd get treatment so why wouldn't you with anxiety. Anxiety is horrible and not at all uncommon.

Have to say I really admire you. You recognise it and are seeking support - there's an inner strength there that you might not always feel because of the anxiety messing with you but I think it comes through in your posts. All the best for Monday.

And the not hearing from him since last night? Yes, I would say that's very normal and nothing at all to worry about. Have a lovely day.

Thanks @ShangriLaLaLa

Hi Damson

I take your point but I think that, although the OP does have anxiety (and I have had it myself), in this case it is attached to a rational response to an emotional issue between two people (always fraught with pitfalls). It is not over-anxious to think, and feel: I am investing so much in this but I am not sure we are on the same page.

Someone suffering with anxiety should safeguard themselves all the more with clear and honest communication and they have every right to do so.

Holding off is making OP’s anxiety worse and she will have a problem with it until she speaks to him. I think she should own her own power and speak to him.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Yep, can't disagree with any of that but the OP has said herself - and I really get this - that whatever response she gets atm she'll still find something in it to stress about.

She could end up feeling worse because the anxiety makes you read all sorts into things and maybe won't let her accept that it's all good even if that's what he's saying.

If I thought asking would fix it and make the anxiety go away I'd say absolutely go for it but don't think it will just yet.

Agree there's nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand and it might help a little but I'd suggested maybe holding off until the counselling starts so that she has support to look at what was said and keep it in perspective, if that makes sense.

That said, I don't think there's a right or a wrong in asking/not asking but, personally speaking, if it was me and I knew there was a risk that whatever was said could make me feel worse because I read into everything then I'd hold off for now to protect myself. But that's just my thoughts on it really. Everyone handles things differently.

I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Is it literally just the calling you "little friend" that's bothering you, and nothing else? Because it sounds like the relationship is going really well! People use all sorts of phrases and pet names, and it's only when you're feeling a bit anxious that you get paranoid and start wondering what they REALLY mean

I am absolutely convinced, that if OP asked if they were official and got the answer ‘yes’ she would be delighted and on cloud nine. Until next time she saw him, when she would start to find signs that he has changed his mind or is going off her. Believe me, I know how this goes. This need for a stamp of officialdom says much more about the OP than her boyfriend (I’ll happily call him that because a man who texts you at all those times, fixes your car and who is consistent and nice and in an exclusive relationship is your boyfriend in my books) or the relationship.

OP work this through with your therapist and not him. He doesn’t have the answer to it - only you do. Hope you find your therapist a fantastic help.

I am home from my Mother’s Day celebrations. I’ve had a lovely day with all the family. Been a real distraction.

I have just read all the replies and thank you again for everyone that has replied . It’s really helped me to know I am not alone and that the way I’m feeling is ‘normal’. I have lots of friends I can talk about this to but no one really understands and it makes me feel very isolated and like I am completely crazy so it’s good to know other people have felt exactly the same.

I’m going to hold off until my counselling starts. I’ve been thinking a lot today (between the many courses of our meal) and my anxiety will just fixate on something else. So it’ll then be ‘he only a with me because he doesn’t know how to end it’ or ‘he’s going off me’ or any number of things. I feel very solid with him which maybe naive but I’m trying not to let my past anxiety and past bad relationships have such a effect on me. With ds’s dad he used to lie/cheat on me all the time and I’ve found myself waiting to catch new dp in a lie (I did it with 5 month man too) but I’ve stopped that so that’s a big step forward. And with 5 month man (the other things I’ve had with men in the past few years have fizzled out so really exdp and 5 month man are my last 2 relationships) I was always just waiting for it to end. I knew it would and had constant anxiety. Even worse then it is now would you believe . So when that ended I was gutted but also kind of relieved as I didn’t have to feel anxious anymore.

But with him I don’t feel like that at all. Which is strange as they were both (and actually other people I’ve been out with) a lot more lovey dovey in terms of the things they said. But actions speak louder then words and his actions have been brilliant so far.

Oh god I’m rambling now, I’ve had all day not discussing this with anyone. But I will ask, I will. But not now. I am enjoying it where it is, we are exclusive, we talk every day, it’s so natural between us, he makes me laugh, he’s very affectionate, he’s kind, helpful, intelligent, always on time, close to his family, has a good job, my sister liked him that one time and I fancy the pants off him. So I’m going to get on with my counselling, take my medicin when I feel I need it and just enjoy it for a few more weeks. And really it’s not about him. I can’t continue this pattern. I will never ever find a long lasting, sold relationship when I am so down on myself, paranoid and anxious. I’m hoping this counselling with help a bit.

Ahhh that’s really long and makes no sense! Going to give my dbro a ring because he’s been at work all day so missed out on celebrations and try to distract my mind again!

Oh I heard off him this morning! And this afternoon. So alls good there

Hi FriendorFwend I've had a very down day today. I went out last night and got a message from him before I went saying how 'gutted' he was that we were over, and how he missed me. Got a Mother's Day text from him early this morning, again telling me he missed me.

The thing was with me and him is that he acted in every way like my boyfriend. We spent New Years and Valentines together, and got each other gifts. We spoke a lot. We saw each other consistently. He would ask how my kids were pretty much every other day.

However, I guess there were times when he would pull away. Wouldn't message as much. I think there will come a point soon that if he doesn't define you will know when it is time to ask him. A couple of weeks ago I tried to have 'the talk' and then it didn't happen, and I sunk back into digging my head in the sand. It was only when he went distant again recently I decided I had to find out what was going on.

I guess keep going with things, but don't leave it too long. Let us know when you finally do have an answer and I hope it's a good one - I have a feeling it will be xx

Oh and if the conversation didn’t go the way I wanted I would completely blame myself. I’d then be completely focusing on what I’d done wrong where the rational side of my brain would be telling me it’s not me, I’d fixate on the negative part. But it is genuinely going well and I can honestly say no red flags have popped up.

He’s at work now and I’m going to bed as soon as I’ve spoken to db . 4 o’clock get up for work for me

Hi Meow. He sounds like a bit of a mind fuck. I know you said you wanted to be friends but maybe block his number for a little bit? Just to get your head straight? Look after yourself anyway and just try to keep yourself busy.

He hasn’t ever pulled away and I haven’t ever had that feeling of him going off me. Maybe that will happen but who knows. Like I say I can hand on heart say there’s nothing (except the little friend thing 🙈) which has made me doubt. The only other thing was the texting but I am really really working on that. And the last message he sent before work this afternoon was really long and funny. I will ask though but I’m hoping it just comes naturally in our conversation

💐 You’re doing well. This is the anxiety, not your relationship you’ve done well to see that. I hope you like your counsellor tomorrow.

...and as for ‘boyfriend’, it does kind of feel like that’s something you both decide it’s time for, but on the other hand, it can be quite nice when someone just introduces you as their boyfriend/girlfriend. I remember going to a bonfire night party with a guy much the same as the guy you’re seeing, at much the same stage you are at and he introduced me as his girlfriend, it was unexpected and really sweet. Lovely times, TRY to enjoy where you’re at 💐 but there’s no harm in describing him as your boyfriend, if he hears you he’ll either be very pleased or comment otherwise, if he comments otherwise ask him how he’d prefer to be referred to? You’re exclusive, you text constantly, you’re sleeping together...boyfriend seems to fit the behaviour!

Just curious though, did he invite you to the party he went to last night?

No he didn’t invite me but I had ds anyway. He’s usually at his dads but with it being Mother’s Day he was with me all weekend. To be fair I wouldn’t for expect to be invited and If I was going out for my mates birthday ( which I actually am doing this week), it wouldn’t even enter my mind to ask him. But even with exdp who I was with for years, I never invited him anywhere with my friends until we were serious and been together a good while and even then it was probably once or twice

Anxiety sucks! And that's exactly what it is, anxiety! I'm exactly the same, I recognise myself in all of your messages here.

I've been seeing/ with the most perfect guy for 9 months. We've never had the conversation about if we're official. Slightest thing and my anxiety peeks. Wednesday was awful, I thought he'd gone off me (all in my head). Saw him yesterday and he said unprompted that he'd wanted to pop up on Wednesday to say a quick hello but thought I was busy. So I was imagining the whole thing. But the feelings are so real when we feel them, right?

You could try saying to him that a colleague had asked if you had a boyfriend on the scene and you hesitated because you're not sure. Laugh then ask him what you should have said.

I think you're doing amazingly managing being a mum to a young son, keeping house and with a high pressure job. This lovely man sounds like just what you need, it's hard with anxiety not to put to much pressure on it. Anxiety finds a home, it's so hard to manage but try to remember anxiety and you relationship are two separate things. I'm not sure any of that make sense outside of my head, sorry haha. Xx

Was it a lads night out or a couples night out?

Have you met any of his friends?

Thanks Move. It makes a lot of sense to me and thank you for your kind words. Anxiety really does find a home. It’s found a whole cul de sac in my brain!

Annie I have no idea what kind of night out it was. Not a clue. I haven’t met any of his friends and neither has he met mine. It hasn’t even entered my mind to introduce him to my friends. Not even for a second. I’ve literally never been on a couples night out in my life, exdp who I was with for years came one one (maybe 2) nights out with me and my friends. And I’ve never met any one my friends boyfriends until they were living together/engaged. Maybe that sounds weird but it’s just never been a thing with any of my friends

Just wanted to be another to say you're definitely not the only one to have felt this way in a relationship. When I started dating DH I would read into everything: if he didn't text back straight away he must've lost interest! He hadn't. No smiley face after that sentence, he must be cross with me! He wasn't. My anxiety and jumping to conclusions led to me getting upset over absolutely nothing, thankfully DH was very patient!

I remember the feeling of panic/sickness and it's horrible. But as others have said, it's the anxiety causing that. He sounds like a lovely man who likes you a lot. I hope your counselling helps to give you strategies for dealing with your anxiety; I found CBT quite helpful for recognising and dealing with the negative thinking patterns :)

Fair enough Friend - it’s very different to what I’m used to, but if it’s not an issue for you that’s great.

Maybe he doesn’t want to introduce me to his friends? Who knows. But because it hasn’t been entered my mind to introduce him to mine it’s something I can’t really stress about (for once in my life)

I’m wide awake and completely and utterly anxious about the counselling. I feel sick at the thought of it and my chest is so tight. I know wish so much that my brain wasn’t like this and I could just be normal :(

Ah OP, I have been exactly where you are. I haven't managed to get to sleep at all and have given up trying. Anxiety and stress are huge for me. You have done and are doing so well and expressing yourself so eloquently. I could have been reading about myself. As a PP said, if you do ask him where he sees it going, there'll be a brief period of relief and then some reason to worry again.

I sympathise so much. I think I look for things to worry about every day,

Good luck with today and your counselling.

Good luck today with the counselling, you’ll probably do a lot of introductory stuff about how it will work and generally about you and what you’re finding difficult at the moment.

It’s usually quite a relief to have started the process and it feels good to have that hope come into your mind that maybe, just maybe, you might start to feel better soon. It’s a powerful thought. X

Thanks everyone managed to get back aslee then my alarm went off at 4. I could have cried. I am at work now and feel sick with anxiety :( I will let you know how the first session goes

Hope it goes really well for you OP xx

Back from counselling! Cried the whole way through not sure it’s going be much help but we will see.

Had a bit of a weird text last night off him. At the beginning of the text he said ‘just got home’ (he’d been for a drink straight from work with his dad) then at the end (it was a long text as W was telling me about something dramatic that had happened at work) he put I’m going home in a bit I’m so so tired. So I replied saying home? Thought you said you were home. Then I said I was going to sleep. This was quite late and when I woke this morning the message I had off him said I’m
Just getting up for work, hope you slept well and enjoy the jelly fish (a stupid in joke we have).

So that’s bad isn’t it? Why would he lie about being at home, I don’t care about him being out. And he didn’t acknowledge what I’d said in the text this morning. Now I feel completely on edge and crazy anxious. I’m going speak to him when I see him on Friday. He’s never lied before (that I know of) so why would he lie then. My friend says maybe he meant to say he was going bed but why would be put home? And why put 2 different things in one text. Aghhh feel like crying :(

Sorry to hear about your first session, I have cried at all my first sessions in the past. Just see how you feel with the next one :)

In regards to his text, could he have gone home with his dad after the drinks an stayed at his or gone back then gone back to his house?