Little Friend??

[FriendOrFwend]

Been seeing someone for 3 months, things are going well. See eachother once/twice a week, speak every day, speak on the phone. He’s met my sister (not planned, we bumped into her on a date) and she loved him. We haven’t had a talk about ‘us’ yet but feels like it’s all heading in the right direction. Until today when he referred to me as his little friend in a conversation.

Now I can’t decide if he was being affectionate/jokey OR he does not see me as anything as other then a mate who he goes out with, has a good time then has sex with. What do people think?

Well hun, unfortunately my night ended abruptly as I did have the chat. My guy I've been seeing for just over 3 months told me he can't commit to me. All of a sudden he told me that he plans to move to Australia one day!!! Wants to travel...wouldn't want to get involved with my children in case something happened (I never asked him for that!!) So after much upset and him asking if I would consider to keep dating him as "who knows" but he "can't promise anything" - I left.

I've been crying all morning, I feel so hurt and upset and stupid to let someone in. He seemed so perfect, so different from anyone I've ever dated before.

My only advice to you is this: have the conversation sooner than later. I asked him to talk 2 weeks ago and he brushed past that as clearly he knew he couldn't commit to me but was on a good thing. I honestly thought he would want to be with me, and that we could have potential for a long term thing. But I also was ignoring my gut and the red flags. Please ask him soon, even if it's via text if you can't do it in person. You need to know. Hugs xxx

No advice op but glad you had a good night

That sounds shit @meowimacat

Completely agree with everything Bixg said above. Just work on yourself and your anxiety OP. Working yourself up about stupid little things like a throwaway comment on a text will not be doing you any good. Also, as someone who has suffered anxiety I imagine posting on here and listening to replies, some of which are quite frankly neurotic, will be fuelling your anxiety.
Sounds like you two are great together. You've already established that you're exclusive, your having fun when you're together,, are affectionate, there doesn't seem to be any red flags. Why push him into making a statement about where he thinks the relationship is going. Why not just let it happen organically. Just enjoy yourself OP, you both sound lovely.

Oh Meow I am so sorry :( I have been there and it is SUCH a horrible, hurtful place to be in. You did the best thing in just leaving, he made himself very clear and you staying around because ‘who knows’ would have been hurtful in the long run. I was in the exact same place last year with 5 month guy and it was so hurtful. Look after yourself, it’s not anything personal to you and even thought it hurts now (and it hurts like a bitch) he’s obviously not the right one for you. I hate when men use the kids excuse. Man from last was well aware I had dc yet when he broke up with me he said ‘you’re looking for a step dad for dc and I can’t fill that role’. Ermmm no I fucking wasn’t. My ds has a dad who he sees all the time, I’m not trying to find a man to raised my kid with me.

I feel so bad for not having the conversation now. I’m going have to do it by text aren’t I?!? God I should have just done it last night. He text me this morning when he got work and I’ve already replied so don’t really want to text again. I’ll wait till he’s replied then just be brave and message. What would you say? Aghhhh feel sick.

Once again Meow, look after yourself. Cry as much as you need then try and distract yourself as much as possible. It’s a hard place to be in

Oh I’m just so bloody confused as to what to do. I just keep thinking if he wanted me to be his girlfriend surely he would ask me? He’s had relationships before so it’s not like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Aghhhh god my heads a mess and the gin I drank last night isn’t helping!

I'm a middle aged long time married woman so I guess pretty out of touch with dating but if I was dating now and I started seeing a guy I liked, then when I felt like I wanted it to be a proper relationship I would bring it up. Not because I wasoperate or needy but because I would want to know we were on the same page. Then if he didn't want an actual relationship with me we could both movr on. I wouldn't feel comfortable just hanging back waiting for a man to decide whether he wanted a relationship with me or not, like I was just going to wait for him to throw me scraps from his table. The man isn't in charge any more than the woman is and if you want an equal relationship you have as much right as him to start a conversation.

I have been reading your thread and it reminds me a bit of the start of my now 4yr relationship, we did alot of second guessing and reading texts out of context . I think you should lay your cards on the table and text him with your concerns and find out if you are both wanting the same thing dont wait until he messages you back take control and put your mind at rest....either way .

On the other hand meow what if you had just carried on and seen where it took you like he wanted to. You're a few months in, he's saying he wants to be with you but can't promise anything. That's completely reasonable. If youd carried on you may have gone from strength to strength. He may have decided to not go to Australia. You might have gone to Australia together who knows? You can't get cast iron guarantees. I was completely in love with DH by 3 months but never once asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We were happy and that was all that mattered at the time. If he had started sending me texts a few months in pressuring me into telling him what was going to happen in the future etc I probably would have thought he was a weirdo and told him to fuck off.

Thanks FriendorFwend - It's so bloody hurtful, and the kids thing annoyed me, as I have never said I want him to have any involvement with them at all. He then was like "well how are you going to have a relationship with anyone in the future if you don't introduce them to your kids, it won't work." and I said "well if someone likes me enough they will wait until I am kid free and see me then, like you've been doing all this time." That shut him up.

I tried talking to my guy via text and he said he wanted to talk in person. So I guess it's up to you how best you'd feel to do it. For myself personally I wanted to just message as it wouldn't be so hard to get the response then. However, when he said he wanted to talk in person I knew then that the chances he wanted anything more was slim. It should be a simple question to respond to at 3 months.

I think the worst thing is we are giving ourselves to someone, playing the 'girlfriend' role (or I was anyway), and these guys are onto a good thing and are going to keep quiet if they don't want anything and just hope we will too.
I would either text him and ask, just say you were wondering if he was after anything more than casual dating. Or text him and tell him that next time you meet can you have a chat - that's what I did, so when I next saw him he said "so you wanted to chat" - made it a lot easier and also prepared him for it. You never know he may want more and just doesn't know how to say that. It really is just something you have to ask, or you'll end up in another 5 month thing and repeating old mistakes.

Big hugs though, it's so bloody hard. I'm still in shock to be honest. I'm so sad and have had to write a list of negative things (which it's hard to think about as I liked him so much), but I can't go back there, even though I stupidly want to and I know he'd take me back for just dating any day. Argh.

OP, I wouldn't ask him directly. It would show you as needy and unconfident. I would behave like you're his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend. Well, you have been together for a few months already so you are an item.
Do you have friends which could invite you and him for a drink? You could tell him my friends would like to meet my boyfriend. See his reaction. If he doesn't react well to being called a boyfriend or says something stupid that he didn't know you and him were a boyfriend and a girlfriend then tell him that you didn't think you weren't as you are going out together, cuddle, have sex... If there is "but" or some sort of hesitation then tell him a goodbye.

Would you be this anxious about things if you hadn't started this thread OP. Or would you have just probably forgotten about the friend thing and moved on quite happy by now. Your anxiety just seems to jump off the thread and I really feel for you. Try and keep everything in perspective

XiCi thanks for your message, but there's a lot more to my story than the brief things I have put here.

There were a lot of red flags with him. He has a lot of women messaging him constantly, he loves female attention - speaks with exes constantly, has a female 'best friend' that he has a very unusually close relationship with.

His phone is constantly going off with calls from women/messages, when I'm with him. He basically seems to have several 'girlfriends' on the go that are all apparently platonic, but I know his flirty nature and I just don't know if I believe that it's innocent. It also takes two to message etc, so if they're messaging him constantly he must be responding a lot. Whereas with me there would be days I wouldn't hear from him.

I said to him I'm not after a serious relationship right now, but I don't want to continue sleeping with someone and not be anything to that person. I need exclusivity, and some way of knowing I mean more than just a casual hookup. He's had a LOT of girlfriends in the past, so many, so if he can't call me a girlfriend then clearly he is not ready for a girlfriend right now, and I'm not willing to wait around.

He said he never wants to get married. Never wants to settle down, the idea terrifies him. I can see he lives a bachelor life that he is verrrry comfortable in.

He wanted me to continue a casual sexual relationship with him, and "who knows" where it would go. I can 100% tell you, it would go nowhere. I don't want someone like that in my life. But I adore him. I just need to remember the negatives now. We will be friends in time as I care too much to never see him again. I just need to realise, that even though we had amazing chemistry, we are not going to work.

meow, as much as the break up hurts it's good that you told him, "I don't want to continue sleeping with someone and not be anything to that person."

I’m just waiting for a film to start with ds so wil reply properly later but I did refer to him as ‘my man’ in a jokey way and he didn’t run for the hills screaming so maybe I’ll just continue in that vein 😂

Have fun OP!

Honestly? Don't have the chat unless the very obvious opportunity arises in which case he's probably thinking the same. Just keep enjoying it. It sounds like it's going that way anyway.

It is actually a very hard thing to feel like you have to 'commit' to a relationship; I was asked once and felt a little overly pressured - you should be able to recognise how much fun and affection you both have.

I do understand the anxiety; I later developed a reaction that if they didn't want me, I didn't want them when it did seem to be going pear shaped. I also used to take beta blockers; if they help just take one, but try to work on your confidence skills and "what's the worst that can happen" attitude.

But you're exclusive so you're boyf/girlfriend surely?

Even if he says yes you're my girlfriend you will find something else to fixate on. I suffer from anxiety and until I actually lived with DH I always had that thought in the back of my mind because I liked them loved him so much.

Just take the drugs, do the counselling and try to enjoy it for what it is

Ah OK meow that changes things alot. Sounds like you did the right thing there. I don't think that sounds anything like the op situation though from what we've heard so far

That won’t tell you anything OP. It’s insecure and needy not to just ask. Because the longer you hold it in, it will affect how you relate to him more and more.

Just do it already!

Don’t ‘just take the drugs’ rather than be honest and open with the person you are investing so much emotion in!

It’s not needy or weird to say, just want to check we’re on the same page. How do you see our relationship progressing?

"OP, I wouldn't ask him directly. It would show you as needy and unconfident"

Less confident people are allowed to be themselves in relationships too. There's no point trying to be someone else and there isn't one correct personality.

So glad you had a good time - knew you would because he sounds nice, keen and you get on well. All the doubting is your anxiety.

Like others have said, I wouldn't text, phone or push 'the talk' unless it crops up naturally.

There's no issue with him or you or the relationship - sounds like it's ticking along just lovely. The issue is that darned anxiety.

You've obviously decided to distract yourself and not let it ruin a lovely night which I think is exactly the right thing to do.

Anxiety is a bugger but you're tackling it. Good on you. I think you've got a better handle on it than you realise.

Sure, you flip flop on here at times with all the differing advice and your inner doubts - "I don't know what to do" - (perfectly understandable) but one thing I've noticed is you always end up making a sensible decision, like this morning, for example - you know it's the anxiety, taking a tablet and watching a film with DS.

You sound lovely. Switched on, level headed and strong. But because you have anxiety right now I think you doubt all that.

Give yourself credit. What I'm reading shows you have a good gut instinct keeping you on track and great self-awareness. An excellent quality imo.

Keep doing what you're doing - realise it's the anxiety, take the tablet, take a deep breath, distract yourself and deal with anxiety. I think you said you're starting counselling? Brilliant. Basically, all the things you're already doing. See? You do have a handle on it.

TL;DR Just enjoy it. It's not you or him, it's the anxiety. You're tackling that. You sound pretty fab so in all likelihood will kick the anxiety in the windpipe or at least sit on the f.ecker long enough to mute it when needs be. Enjoy your DS film time!

'how do you see our relationship progressing'. God, that sounds so contrived and formal though. Like he's in a bloody job interview. What exactly is it that you want an answer to OP if you've already established that you're exclusive? Is all of this angst just over the little friend thing? If so can you just tell him that you were a bit thrown by that as you see him as your boyfriend?