Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

I've now got to travel with him to get the children to school. I work with my best friend, she is full time, I am part time. Yes I did go to bed at 8pm on Saturday night when she stayed over. My husband told me I was mad and it was all in my head last time, 10 years ago, until I found proof, in texts. It took me years to forgive him.

Yes it could have been sent in error. But the fact that he's deleted all her other texts but hasn't deleted the texts from his other contacts can only mean one thing. And op knows they text each other about practical stuff.

So they text each other regularly about mundane stuff but they've all been deleted.

That would be the decider for me.

If it was me i'd put the phone on silent and hide it. Breezily deny all knowledge of where it is to DH. She'll text him later today i would imagine. You'll be able to keep an eye on it.

If something really incriminating pops up on it during the day you can take a screen shot of it and then without a word show the phone to DH and see what he has to say.

Are you still near your dhs phone? I'd text her saying you're worried he's having an affair and see if she immediately texts him.

I'd be hiding his phone, taking it out with me and giving it a good search. Are his emails etc all signed in on his phone? Is be torn between laying in to him and waiting to gather more evidence so they can't claim it's a mistake.

Autismmum, so sorry what a shock.

But, his behaviour towards you sounds lately does sound part of the script of someone who is cheating, sorry to say. I am hoping that this is a misunderstanding of texting the wrong person, but they have a lot of contact it would seem, I assume that they are alone together at some point when she is with your family?

But their behaviour is despicable to say the least.

If it were me, I would not leave this. I wouldn't bother with contacting her, I would just go this morning and get this out with him. Of course, prepare for him to lie, blame you, and the rest I am sure you already know seeing as you have been in this position previously. I think if you leave it, its is going to eat at you even more....

She isn't a friend. Friends don't do this. Don't confide in her, tell her what you suspect, or try to set up a trap.

If her previous messages have been deleted, but texts from other people have not, this is to me enough 'proof' of an affair, either emotional or physical. So sorry OP. I hope you get the full truth - far better than living in doubt and guessing. You have the upper hand as you now know what to look for and so much advice on how to proceed.

Fuck that, i'd phone her and say i saw a text pop up from 'betty' saying love you, and i panicked thinking it was her but of course my best friend wouldn't shit on me like that. See how much she squirms

What indubiousbattle says. She will text your husband to warn him of your suspicions.

Call her and tell her you've found out your husband has herpes, gonorrhoea and chlamydia.

Hard I know but don't let on you know yet. Do some research to see if there's a way of recovering messages on his phone. Also likelihood is she won't be deleting his messages because she doesn't need to. So another way would be to try and get hold of her phone. Could you say battery has died on yours and could you borrow hers to call school or some such. See what her reaction is.

Or invite her over again on Saturday and go to bed early, except stay awake and spy on them and try and catch them.

Whatever you do, get your ducks in a row and then confront them both together and see how they react.

Sending hugs x

Keep hold of his phone, confront her face to face at work, switch his phone back on, then see if she rings !
I'm so sorry Lovely, if this is the case, but you will get through it.

He has done it before.
You know the signs.
You are not mad and you don’t need to defend yourself against his gaslighting.

Really hard OP, this emotional tsunami and the practicalities of having two high need children.

I wouldn’t play any sleuthing games beyond a thorough look through his phone (and maybe laptop: I bet he had the same password on both) .

Then confront. Be clear you don’t want any pretence.

Say the same to her: tell her you know, you saw the text, if she has any respect for you she will now be honest so that you can all get on and sort this in the best way possible.

Really sorry OP.

I'd do what Laiste said.

'My husband told me I was mad and it was all in my head last time, 10 years ago, until I found proof, in texts. It took me years to forgive him.'

And he'll do it again.

sorry op..this is shit
I would be getting his phone and searching it today for evidence ..or could you get your friends phone if you can't get his?

Your doing really well. I couldn't of kept it quiet this long, I think you should phone in today say it's a family emergency.
Then just sit down and tell H about the text you saw. You don't need proof at this point you know it was sent do not doubt yourself. Try and be calm and decide what you want the end point to be.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Complete bastards the both of them.

With regard to texting the wrong person though, I do it all time🤷‍♀️ I think generally because the message comes up on my lock screen and I just unlock my phone (rather than opening the message) and just reply to whatever is open on my screen, because I'm an idiot. Mostly I seem to text my friend things that I meant to WhatsApp my husband and vice versa. I haven't embarrassed myself yet though 🤞 although my husband was very amused by a random message saying 'god it's MASSIVE isn't it'

I'm so sorry OP. It is the worst kind of betrayal.

I would take his phone and see what can be recovered from it. Visit a phone shop with it.

Honestly reading your initial post I thought you were jumping to conclusions, I often tell my best male friend I love and miss him, my other friends too. My partner knows this.
But reading your later posts about the texts being deleted and his previous form, I'm so sorry op I can think why he would need to delete the texts systematically like that.
If you think he will deny try to look for more evidence, can you take his phone later, then deny all knowledge while you have a look overnight and see if anymore texts are sent? I don't normally advocate that sort of thing but given his previous behaviour he's unlikely to tell you anything himself I think.

That is so shit. I really hope it turns out to be some kind of mistake. Sadly, it doesn't sound like it. No help I know

Doesn't sound great, so sorry OP. Hugs.

This happened to me and I limped on for 2 years, with him minimising and denying. We are over now and it feels as though my life is starting again, in the best possible way.

You will be OK, those cunts will have been dragging you down to their level.

Oh OP :( So he's done this before? The thing is that this time you're dealing with a potential double-whammy!

I hope it's not what it seems.

How awful

Sorry it doesn't sound good.