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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

561 replies

autismmumwithafamily · 06/03/2018 07:00

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

OP posts:
TITANIUMPINS · 06/03/2018 08:40

have you got a family member or other friend you can go talk to today before you do anything rash. What are your instincts telling you?

katmarie · 06/03/2018 08:41

It definitely doesn't sound good. Whatever you choose to do, remember that you deserve to be treated much much better than this. By both your husband and your friend. Look after yourself and your kids x

MotherofTerriers · 06/03/2018 08:41

Do some research on how to recover texts on hs phone. Watch and wait and try to get some proof, even just a photo of a text. Otherwise he will deny it

grandplans · 06/03/2018 08:42

You know he'll deny it so you need to start digging sorry Sad

TITANIUMPINS · 06/03/2018 08:42

hide his phone for sure and maybe text her from his phone?

Thebluedog · 06/03/2018 08:45

I completely understand why you are holding off saying anything. I’d also need proof and not something he could explain away, like he could this.

Good luck OP. As others have said I’d be hiding his phone, and keeping an eye on messages that come through today

Thinkingofausername1 · 06/03/2018 08:45

Oh my God op. I'm so sorry to hear what you've just discovered. I would keep the phone in my pocket if honest, to try and go through it and see his reaction when he cant find it.
It doesn't sound good; do you also go to bed early when she stays over. What a bitch I can't imagine how you must be feeling x

mummymeister · 06/03/2018 08:46

You know that he texts this ex friend about things but you cant find any of these old texts on his phone because they have been deleted. yet anyone else he texts and their history is still there?

this is enough evidence really isn't it OP - your gut feeling has already told you this. not only does he have form for cheating but he also has form for calling you a liar when you found him out.

so, the first thing you need to do is decide what YOU want out of this? do you want to get the marriage back on track or have you had enough. If its the latter then you need to maximise what you get out of it. So start getting all bank info etc copied and into an e mail account of your own.

I am not techy so have no idea if you can recover messages but you have his phone, go out this morning either to the phone shop or following the advice on here and get the recovered messages back, photo them or copy them to your account. then confront them both.

I am really sorry but it looks like the relationship developed during the 6 months that she stayed with you and they have just continued it. she is single with no ties. Shame on her for treating a friend like this.

you have to take some time to decide what you want to do but honestly, get some evidence soon before he gets wise and dumps the phone.

Kahlua4me · 06/03/2018 08:47

As you are with him today I think I would text her saying you know he is having an affair and think you know who it is.

Then when his phones buzzes later demand to read it immediately as no doubt it will be from her..

Stephisaur · 06/03/2018 08:47

I was willing to believe that it was a mistake until I read that all other traces of message have been deleted and you didn't know his phone password.

I texted my male friend once telling him I loved him, but that was followed immediately by a text saying it wasn't meant for him!

I would call your friend and tell her you think he's having an affair. Let the guilt eat away at her. You don't have to say that you think it's her, just see how she reacts to it.

And definitely take a photo of that text if you can - you never know if you'll need that later. So sorry you're going through this

Frillyhorseyknickers · 06/03/2018 08:48

Make sure your finances are in order from any joint account to before you confront him, and you and your children do not leave the house - if you’re kicking him out, he goes.

Rainatnight · 06/03/2018 08:50

I don't know what it is, but there is some sort of app or website you can use to get deleted texts. DP's friend used it when she suspected her DP was having an affair (he was). You could try googling for it.

mummymeister · 06/03/2018 08:51

If she speaks to the friend it gives her husband the chance to dump the phone with all the incriminating information on it. The OP then has one text which he will pass off as sent to him by accident. he has form for this. and in his mind, minimising worked last time so why not again?

I would concentrate on the phone and getting as much info out of it as possible. Then assuming its all there, would get someone else to look after the kids and get the friend round and confront them both.

Badtimegirly · 06/03/2018 08:51

OP firstly I'm sorry this is happening, my advice right now is not do anything rash.

You have to go ninja to get to the bottom of it, act as normal as possible, which is difficult as these are the two people closest to you. You at some point need to get hold of his phone....or hers Winkif he is deleting the text messages you can bet your bottom dollar she isn't. How about saying your battery is flat and you need to make a call can you borrow hers? I know this is underhand, but needs must.

Say you need to step outside as it's a sensitive call, if there are any texts on her phone take photos with your phone, you probably have 3/5 mins to do this so work fast.

There is always a chance she will make an excuse for not letting you borrow her phone for the 'call' and that speaks volumes.

Chin up and act as normal as possible I know this is difficult but there's a lot at stake here.

Peanutbuttercheese · 06/03/2018 08:57

Say nothing
Get evidence

Get your financial affairs in order
Book to see a soliciter
Unless you can be oscar worthy in your performance then you need to pretend there is another reason for your behaviour because it will be hard not to show the stress and worry.

NameChange30 · 06/03/2018 08:57

I didn't suspect but my husband has had an affair before, 10 years ago, and his behaviour was very similar, being foul to me etc.

My husband told me I was mad and it was all in my head last time, 10 years ago, until I found proof, in texts. It took me years to forgive him.

Don’t confront him. Don’t say anything. Act normal and look for evidence. You will find it.

Do not forgive him this time.

Flowers
rumblytummy1 · 06/03/2018 08:58

If you are going to start digging, I would go to be with another friend who will read the texts on your behalf. I read the odd text when I was snooping in the early days of finding out about my ex’s affair.
However it is upsetting to read, so don’t put yourself through it alone. This is just day 1.

Hotpinkangel19 · 06/03/2018 09:02

OP, hoping it's just an accidental text

NameChange30 · 06/03/2018 09:06

Oh come on

He’s had an affair before
There are no other messages to/from her in his phone

It’s not an accidental text FFS

AdalindSchade · 06/03/2018 09:07

Keep it to yourself. He doesn't know you know his passcode. Check the phone whenever you can and photograph any messages with your own phone. They will lie and deny if you confront them now, you need more evidence.

blueskyinmarch · 06/03/2018 09:10

What a pair of bastards.

One of my good friends left her 4 DC and went off with the husband of a couple they were best friends with who also had 4 DC. So 8 children affected in all. She married the man and invited us to their wedding. We didn't go. I no longer have any contact with her. Bastards.

LittleLights · 06/03/2018 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wintertime4 · 06/03/2018 09:10

What a horrible man and disgusting friend. How can people be so selfish and cruel.

My Ex did this - emotional affairs mostly - it really, really does help to get the full picture. It’s only then you know how to react emotionally. Follow the advice from others on finding out as much as you can. Then get the man out of your families lives. You’ll be ok.

Purplerain101 · 06/03/2018 09:11

Why not just confront him and when they deny it say you’ll only believe them if they show you the thread of messages they have been sending to each other (I’m sure she’ll probably still have them on her phone). If she says she’s deleted them all too then you have you answer. If it was innocent they both wouldn’t be deleting messages. It’s obviously not innocent because who messages their best friend’s husband saying they love them and miss them?!
If they downplay it and just say it was flirting and nothing physical then that’s reason enough to still divorce his sorry ass. An emotional affair with your wife’s best friend is completely unacceptable behaviour under any circumstances.

george49 · 06/03/2018 09:13

Drop the phone in your handbag and keep it with you for the day. See how berserk he goes when he can't find it and also see if she sends anything else.

I would imagine that if they are having an affair there'll be another couple of texts if she hasn't heard back from him. Then you'll know.

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