Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

Have nc’d
So sorry OP this exact same thing happened to me. Ex DP & so called family friend of longstanding were having an emotional affair.

I won’t go into the full details. But you do need time to process the shock before you do anything. Is there any other friend you can go & see, your mum etc. Before you say anything to anyone you need some time to deal with your own emotions.

This could go one of 2 ways. He will either realise what an idiot he’s been and you will start on the path to repairing your marriage or you will split if he / she is determined. I have seen amongst close friends & my own experience both outcomes.

Finally, a big hug. You will not see it now, but if you weren’t happy, then something would have to change.
You will get so much good advice on mumsnet.
But for the moment try & create a bit of emotional space. Even a couple of hours so you can just process this alone.

His first automatic step will be denial. All men caught out follow a classic script. Hugs. Be strong. You will find the strength as your instint as a mum will kick in to protect your kids.

I don't think he would though be expecting constant texts. It's possible he sent "night night" or whatever and then deleted the texts and her reply has only just come through.

Oh OP that’s awful. It happened to some friends of ours. Female friend comes to stay, ends up walking off with the husband. I hope that’s not what’s happening here but if you’re worried they would deny it if it was then you should try and get some more evidence if you can, emails, mobile phone bill, bank statements. If not then I would do as pp suggested and try to get your ‘friend’ to trip up.

The irony here with the phone is he keeps it locked, but after school yesterday he let my autistic son use it and I heard him tell him the password, otherwise I wouldn't have had a clue. He has a different phone to me, his texts appear on the home screen so I saw it and unlocked it. He has lots of texts from other people and just the one received from her.

why is everyone jumping on its definetely an affair. Do you have reason to suspect them @autismmumwithafamily over and above this text. She could have been a mistake. Anyway don't rush to confront them as others have said it will be denied so better to have a think about it and dig around.

If there is only the one text from her then it can also lean towards being a text sent in error. It doesn't necessarily mean they have been deleted. You are assuming they have.

Just to put a different spin on it.

You either need to confront him and see how he reacts or you need to find more evedence.

do people really accedently text someone yes, I have text the wrong message to the wrong person several times but it’s usually someone I have already been messaging (messaging 2 people at the same time).

OP you are being quite calm, I’m not sure if I would be, as soon as I found messages in my ex’s phone his clothes were outside in a bin bag and the locks changed but I had enough evedence to know for sure what he was up too, I found 2 WhatsApp conversations with all the details. I think you need to try and find more or he’s likely to lie through his teeth and she’s likely to say she sent it to the wrong person.

bit of a lazy scenario isnt it op, for both of them

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))💐

I'm really not calm, I'm scared. I feel like the people most important to me outside of my children have gone. I didn't suspect but my husband has had an affair before, 10 years ago, and his behaviour was very similar, being foul to me etc. She would text him regularly, she gets bits of shopping for us as she lives near a supermarket and my husband texts her about that I know he does

Ah. So he has form then?

If in doubt over what to do, give yourself time. You can still send him packing, call her tomorrow. You can't take it back if you've started that ball rolling.

It's going to take time to get your head straight, but with time you can have a vague plan of what you want/ need.

I'm another one who's survived a cheating Ex. We too have an Autistic son and at the time DS2 was 1.

You can and will get through this, but be the one in control.

Op, did you still go to bed at 8pm on Saturday night when she stayed over?

What an awful betrayal from two people that should be supporting you with your children. Him mostly but also her being your best friend after you 'put her up' for six months following her own marriage breakdown and she repays you by taking your DH! Just awful.

I'm sorry OP

TBH I think I'd move out and leave them with the donkey work if having 4 DC and rebuild your life and have regular contact with the DC

@RandomMess so you'd ditch your kids to punish him??? That's pathetic.

Amber you should confront her first?

Such a horrible situation for you. I know what it’s like to have children with autism (I have 2), life is tough enough as it is without any extra stress. I’m not sure where you go from here, I think you need to confront them and see how they react. I would be tempted to start with her, you already know what your dh is like whilst having an affair, you know he’s capable of lying. I would confront her and tell her he has come clean and you know what’s going on.

What absolutely disgusting behaviour from a person who was offered your home for 6 months and your friendship. And for your husband to do this with anyone but especially your friend whilst you're dealing with your children.

Can you access his phone bill online and see if they are calling each other regularly? I am so sorry you're going through this, I can't even begin to imagine. But try to get proof so he can't bullshit his way out of it and make you feel like you're going mad.

If your concerns are all correct then he’s an utter scum bag and so is she. It’s bad enough cheating with a stranger, let alone with your partner’s best friend. Awful!
If it was me i’d Have to confront asap so I could see his reaction

Random I’m sure op would not do that, I’m not sure any mother would. He’s the one that needs to leave.

I have just seen that he has form for this.
You do need to start getting your ducks in a row.
First thing I was advised once I knew my relationship was not going to last was to see a solicitor.
Ironically focusing on practical stuff does help; otherwise you are paralysed by shock and the tumult of emotions which follow.
I am sorry to sound so matter of fact about this; but it really helped me to have practical advice from other women, who had sadly also been through similar

What Random?? You are suggesting OP move out and leave her children behind.??

It honestly could be a mistake. I was sent an intimate text once by an acquaintance. It was both funny and embarrassing. He didn't realise for about 24hrs. If his wife had seen it before he told her who knows how she would have reacted! But it was a genuine mistake. I'm still confused by what "LUMU" means, is it a pet name??

Even if he's deleted the messages, it's possible to still get them. I'd accidentally take his phone. Sorry, but if he's already cheated and he's acting the same, the likelihood is that he's doing it again.