Literally just saw a text on DH phone from my best friend saying lumu :(

[autismmumwithafamily]

What do I do.
Standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle and my husbands phone beeps. It's a delayed text from midnight. It's from my best friend. It says 'nite gorgeous lumu'
I am stunned and my heart is going like the clappers. We have 4 children. She has been on family holidays with us, my children call her auntie. My marriage is not great but mainly because he's been foul to me recently. I can't even cry.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be tempted to confront her rather than him first.
She may come clean, especially if you say something like "i know you're having an affair with my husband", rather than asking her which she will deny.

Try find some evidence first though, If she doesn't though she will def tell him what you suspect so he will know and it will be harder for you to find evidence.

I don’t think she sent it to the wrong person. It sounds like they say goodnight every night. Is it possible they’re just very close? Still highly inappropriate and no doubt headed
in the wrong direction, but maybe not as bad as anticipated? I’d say Night gorgeous and lumu to a very close friend... I know it’s unlikely, but...

How are you feeling this morning OP? I get the surreal shock/sadness/anger you'll be in, it fucking sucks . You will be okay though, use this initial adrenaline to get you through, definitely get as much evidence of anything/everything related to betrayal/finances etc and hang on to the thought that by doing that you'll be making things much more straightforward for moving on with your children

I feel sick for you OP.

Its a horrible situation to be in but you'll get through it.

Your main priority is yourself and your children, anything you do now should be to protect yourselves. Speaking to her won't achieve that, I'd just cut her out of your life and focus on how to get 'D'H out of it too.

I hope you have other people who can give you some support.

I don’t think they are just close friends. If my OH and best friend were texting each other every night and saying they love and miss each other, but claimed they were just good friends, i’d wonder why they hid their friendship so much from me. I wouldn’t believe it at all and would find it incredibly inappropriate even if it was true

OP. I didn't have any adrenaline when I found out. I felt like a balloon that had been overfilled and burst into bits of balloon.

I think I'd just sit him down and say ' so tell me, when did you and xx get to the stage of her wishing you goodnight and LUMU'. Before sitting him down check where his phone is ... not overtly just is it on the table etc. Try and get it in view if you can although this will require creativity.

You don't need more drama. You state what you saw and confirmed by numerous texts each evening after you've gone to bed. Just before you sit down with him, text her the same thing.

Thease are my thoughts. Don't know if they help.

I agree with what Fluffy says - sitting down calmly asking him to explain what you saw may just be the best way to resolve this.

The less drama the better for your sake... good luck

This is good advice from FluffyWhiteTowels.

I hope you are ok. There is a way through this and you will find the way that's right for you. It's going to feel really really hard. Look after yourself, eat well, sleep well, keep moving and all that stuff that'll build your physical resilience. Hopefully you have someone in your circle of trust who you can gain emotional support from. (Look after your emotional resilience). Legal advice might be a good idea too. (Financial resilience).

My preference would be to have a plan ahead of any discussions. You really really need to think of yourself in this situation, and you longer term financial needs.

Screen shot/photograph everything. Keep it safe. You may need it later.

Best of luck (although that sounds a touch off).

I think once you get all the paperwork together that you need I wouldn’t be able to resist sabotaging their relationship... tell your friend that your husband didn’t come home last night and that you’ve realised he’s having YET ANOTHER affair. He’ll not be able to prove that he was at home and she, knowing that he’s a cheater, will feel even less secure wondering if he’s ‘cheating’ on her too. But then I’m a vindictive bitch when it comes to things like that!

I'm wondering if it's worth confronting them together as they won't have any time to collude to get their stories straight and it's probably harder for two people to hide what's going on than if you spoke to them individually?

I get that you don't want to rush in, and I admire your incredible restraint, but I do think you need to do something soon as this is just going to eat away at you and drive you crazy, getting to the stage where you're following him to supermarkets, while totally understandable, isn't great for your wellbeing really.

Me and my dh of 13 years are very close to my best mate (of over 20yrs)and her dh of 14 years.
I often have chats online or txt with her dh and so does my dh and my bf.
But never in all our years of being friends has that type of comment been made or txt to our other friends dh or vice versa.
That is a big line crossed op.

Me and my dh of 13 years are very close to my best mate (of over 20yrs)and her dh of 14 years.
I often have chats online or txt with her dh and so does my dh and my bf.
But never in all our years of being friends has that type of comment been made or txt to our other friends dh or vice versa.
That is a big line crossed op.

How's about you stop with the spying.. confront him, don't believe his denials and throw the barstard out.

Can't believe you are just ignoring it.

How about a normal conversation with her (about weather, shopping etc) then at very end introduce the phrase LUMU. Her reaction will be a telling sign. She may faint or stutter or send a warning text to your husband. Or all of that.

Who said she's ignoring it?

And seriously, this is someone's life, advising such disingenuous game-playing is not helpful.

i like kevstep's idea

Can't believe you are just ignoring it

As if shes ignoring it, aye I'm sure shes just sitting there not thinking about it at all!

There's so much more to consider here than just chucking him out!

Ruby I'm assuming this kind of thing has never happened to you before!?

OP is certainly not ignoring it.
This is a massive shock to the system.
I mean - real real shock!
It's a lot to process.
And as she now has a heads up, she needs some advice on how best to tackle it.
Telling him she knows something, means he will cover his tracks.

You honestly need some proof!
You just do.
You might be an exception to the rule but most people don't turn their lives upside-down without some evidence!

Hells bells - spot on. When it happened to me I spent several days in total shock unable to do anything much. The op doesn't need to be playing silly games and laying silly traps.

I'd be popping to see the friend with a screenshot and asking her WTF did she think she was doing texting LUMU to your H

THEN I'd be showing him the fucking mobile bill with the screenshot and telling him he had ONE opportunity to come clean or he'd be walking out with a bin bag of his stuff

I’d be tempted to text from his phone to meet because ‘he’s told you everything’ and then you go or go and see her and say you think he’s cheating but take his phone to see if she’s texts him to warm him.

Im afraid, gathering together all of your finanaces, and important docs, and consulting a GOOD lawyer is your only way forward.
Say nothing to either of them till you have your ducks in a row, then you can have some fun. Loving Bluebells suggestions about telling her youve had a Private investigator, who has found two women, one in her vascinity and another.
Do nothing until you have your finances and lawyer though!

@Crediton that's amazing - did the cheaters stay together after that or split up?!

Madbengalmum is spot on, sensible advice.