I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

[mammymammyIRL]

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

I also agree with laska re the house. Imagine if in time you get a new partner. How awkward would that be

I've found out when the Free Legal Advice Clinics are on so will book in a slot with them also.

I've seen it work where the mother stayed in the house and she left and stayed with her parents when it was his time for having the children so that there wasn't extra disruption to the children, different circumstances though for the split and I didn't know them prior to the split. Things were bitter between them for years but are amicable now, but they always put the children first.

I've also seen where both living separately in the one house has been disastrous and where the children have definitely suffered and are still suffering two years later and for time to come. He's still controlling her despite them living separately.

Laska I think he still thought that this was just another row and would blow over, and if I had questioned his motives on it, he would have said oh its for the kids they really want to take you out. I refused straight out and the children will be with me on Mother's Day.

I can definitely see where you're coming from regarding the overseer type scenario.

need I moved out prior to dc and marriage for three months and purposely moved somewhere that he would have to pass the door twice a day everyday so that he would see that he was the one that had driven me away. During this time he didn't cause me any grief or hassle at all, but I stressed that I was not leaving our relationship just putting distance between us. This, however, is completely different.

Wherever I live with dc I will still be tied to him because of them. I can definitely see where ye are coming from too.

wrongwayup if that day ever happens it will be another bridge to cross.

There’s a lot of what ifs at the moment and you don’t know what will happen yet.

Mediation is the first step.

Definitely fluffy and I've an appointment with FLAC so at least that'll give me an idea where I stand legally too

My new motto

Hi Mammy. I'm also in Ireland so some ireland-specific info-

Accord, as far as I'm aware, are the catholic marriage counselling service. I'm horrified they might have suggested you stay. Womens Aid 100% would not do that and I'd really suggest you give them a call- 24 hour helpline, you could do it at lunchtime if you want privacy. If you're near Dublin you could make an in-person appointment or they could give you contact details for local DV services if you want to see someone face to face. Free legal aid and all the rest- can be great, but often dont fully understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

That being said, I'd be wary about going ahead with mediation when there's been abuse. I'd also consider whether you want to look into getting a safety order, and whether that would be helpful or not- again, WA can talk you through. In some ways, it might be useful to have a record of some of the incidents that have occurred in case they become relevant.

Finally, it's 100% possible to go bankrupt in Ireland, there was a huge reform of the rules around the crash that made it easier. There would be knock on effects re getting a mortgage in future. Talk to MABS, explain you're planning on separating, that the relationship has been abusive, you're worried about debt/financial entitlements/etc etc. They should be helpful.

Also: consider honestly if you might want to move closer to family and support. Rural ireland can be a hard place to go through situations like this: the understanding of local gardai varies hugely- sometimes they're amazing, sometimes they're awful- and it may be that your neighbours and friends will rally around but if you're in his home place it may go differently.

And finally: good luck. The next bit is so important in terms of keeping yourself safe, but you have made absolutely the right choice. I really think you'll look back on this moment and feel very happy and proud.

Hi reddressblueshoes
You are correct Accord are a catholic marriage counselling service and I was grateful that religion was never ever mentioned at the sessions.

I have looked up the Women's Aid website and will ring them for further guidance, thanks for pointing me in their direction.

And you reminded me to check conditions of the safety order I took out years ago and I will take steps to renew it.

I chose mediation because there will be a third party present and because I know we won't solve it on our own as when I talk about who's going to live where he starts listing things he paid for at the start of our relationship, and can't hear what I'm saying at all. At least there he'll have his turn to talk and I'll have mine. Otherwise we can go down the legal route and it'll cost both of us money unnecessarily(hopefully)

Our local guard and my dh would have a good relationship but I also believe him to be a good family man and would be on good terms myself. He's very straight too.

I have extended family not too far away from where I live and would have good support there if I called on it at any time. I feel at home here and have done even before I met dh and love my work and home life here. I believe I would be more isolated not less if I moved closer to family.

I would endeavour to stay away from bankruptcy, if possible. I could contact mabs after flac based on what I learn there though for further advice.

Thanks so much for taking time to post such a detailed reply, the support I've had here is amazing. I hope to tell some people in my RL this weekend.

So yesterday was an emotionally tiring day.
I told two friends, my dm and dsis that my marriage is over and the reasons why.
Friends offered practical advice and discussed why and offered their homes as places of refuge and told me I was doing the right thing and they were proud of me.
Dm cried as I expected, tried to persuade me to stay, gave excuses for his behaviour, so I had to detail more of the physical abuse to her than I had planned sharing. She understands my decision now.
Dsis didn't get a rundown on why as dc arrived in, but after going to bed sent a text telling me she's got my back & offered to mind dc during any of her free time without question.

It was an emotionally draining day. I will tell my df today.

mammy I’m so glad you’ve told people in rl. Xx

Thanks em

Hello Mammy, just wanted to say how well you are doing. You are so brave. I hope that I can use you as inspiration!

Thanks beelzebop I don't feel like I'm doing great, it's a week since I told him and any changes have been within me rather than to our physical environment

Hope nobody minds but I'm going to keep updating this thread as we go through the motions of separating.

Told him this evening that i has told my parents, at first it was like we'd never discussed our marriage being over
Then it transpired that he thought mediation was couples counselling, I'm not entirely convinced this is true.
Then he ranted we'd to sell the house, that he'd have the dc and I wouldn't. That they'd be told this weekend, that I'm the one breaking their hearts because I won't try marriage counselling.
Then he wanted to know who is he? That there must be someone else, show me your phone. I proffered it because there is no one else so I've nothing to hide.

I really don't think he'll participate in mediation, I said the legal route the only winners are the solicitors.

He’s read the script hasn’t he? Did you tell him your off men for time being?.

Definitely fluffy I said politely I'm not interested in starting a relationship with anyone. My priorities are my children and creating a happy life for them despite the break up of their parents relationship.

He has starting calling me 'pet' WTAF

He also refers to the dc as his son and his daughter not ours.

He claims to have made efforts to transfer his other property to one of his sons, and that this has been in progress for a year or so.
It hasn't because he never independently does anything major but now it's something I need to get advice about in case he attempts to do this.

Well done mammy, remaining calm and focussed. Be strong. Don't believe any of the lines.

I won't need
Tonight I'm going to start the book I bought on emotionally abusive relationships.
After our argument I came in & did dds homework with her, then I went to a meeting. And when it finished I came out to the car & got the shakes. I think it was a delayed reaction to the argument, that my body held it together as long as it had to and then let go

Would love to be posting this on social media but here will do just fine

@fluffycloudland77

Been on property sites just in case it comes to that.

There are options locally, the two I prefer are a 2 bed cottage with burner and radiators or a 3 bed holiday village home with storage heaters

Obviously with 2 dc and au pair the second option is probably better, but the first one looks so homely, but very snug.

So rang women's aid yesterday and felt disappointed with the service tbh

Went to free legal aid today, so she advised seeing what mediation brings & if that works getting a solicitor to read over separation agreement before signing it. If it doesn't it may have to be more legal route.

She said I need to think about what I want, what equity would be in the house if we sold or if he was to buy me out or vice versa.

I've definitely romanticised the idea of this cosy cottage for me & dc!

Told one of my brothers & he was a tremendous support, will ring the other one tomorrow

Cottage is 3 bed fluffy

What did wa say?.

It’s a huge task to unpick two intertwined lives.

Fluffy nothing is what she said, I asked a few questions and she basically had no answers and wanted me off the phone, at end of conversation she said a scripted "we're always here if you wish to talk"

FLAC was much more helpful though. Felt I got great value out of my appointment. But highlighted another thing I didn't realise, that his grown up children need to be allowed for too! And suggested if there's equity in family home maybe selling & starting again would be better for me. Going down the legal route means looking at both parties future capacity, obviously mines much higher being younger.

Go to mediation first, see what comes of it, sign nothing without a solicitor reviewing it.

I've also googled mortgage with only a small deposit & I would just add about 6 years to my term so at least that's good.