I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

[mammymammyIRL]

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

Mammy hope you are ok today.. mean and very low of him to say that to the DC's but sadly he is telling you just what he is and just how important their mental well being is to him .. it sound like he will be making this all about 'poor' him.. Be strong..

Hi OP. I left mine at 50, long after I should have done. There were always reasons not to leave - his poor health and awful upbringing, wanting to give the kids stability and financial security etc, but they were excuses really. The damage he did to my daughter by his emotionally abusive and controlling ways have only really become evident in the last few years, and I so wish I had left him much earlier.

I'm now with a lovely partner (4 years in) who my kids adore, and so much happier. Please don't listen to his 'sorries', I heard it so many times and he never changed. Good luck.

Need would love you to stick around, you people are the only people bar a friend at work that know. And she's sticking her head in the sand since I told her my plans too. She likes things to be just so and not rock the boat.
I do feel like that I will be good on my own too as a parent, sure I basically am anyhow but it's nice to hear someone reiterate that.

Read a book about coping with relationship breakdown last night, slept from 9-12 and again from 4.30 to 5, when I woke up to sound of ds roaring crying, went across the landing and he was sound asleep so it was all in my head, perhaps I was mulling over what the future brings in my head

Read about the family mediation service too, there's a ten week waiting list and both parties must ring to book it so I'm going to ring on Monday.

Also read guidelines from barnados regarding dc too, all advice is to only tell them when there's a definite plan and no blame on either party, this is what I was suggesting.

Dd is a complete worrier and suffers from anxiety already so this needs handling with care

Itsallabitcrap what turning point have you come to?
I moved out for 3 months before we got married because of his behaviour and that was before we had children so it's not as easy now. I don't wish I didn't come back because I wouldn't have my beautiful dc if I hadn't but it was definitely the wrong decision for me.

I already feel I've become a shadow of my former self and want to change that, I've tried to do it within our marriage but that'll never happen and I can see that now.
I'm already indifferent to his abusive behaviour and also to his 'charm' and 'kindness' when he chooses that course.

Whereiwanttobe your username says it all

I got a tattoo last year saying nothing without effort in Irish and it'll be proven once again in the months ahead.

@mammymammyIRL I think we might be living in parallel universes!
When I look back, there were red flags everywhere. He started with his subtle abuse before we got married and had kids too but I was smitten with him and just thought it would all be fine in the end. Ha!
My turning point I guess came yesterday though there have been many but I didn't take the opportunity to go. Yesterday was my birthday too, I was ignored all day. I was absolutely gutted because with him choosing to forget, the kids couldn't celebrate it, it was just horrendous.
If I chose now to accept this, I might as well go outside now and start digging my own grave because I won't be living for me or my kids, I'll be living to keep him happy and calm and polite. I'll be living to do his washing, clean his house, make his meals, organise his kids, for what? For him to detest me even more in years to come, for him to dent my self esteem and confidence?

I've got nothing but my determination to be happy with myself, to be the best mum. I've no money, no idea how I'm going to survive but that is a damn sight more appealing than being belittled, shouted at, ignored, abused.

Just got to get through this weekend and then I can get the ball rolling with ending this 20 year rot and creating a brighter future.

I'm sending you all my best wishes and what little strength I have x

His daughter told me two years it was better to be from a broken home than grow up in one.
I then asked her was it similar when dh and her mom split and she said her mom was a lot quieter than me so would just let him rant rather than challenge him that he was in the wrong

Mammy, I think that says a lot doesn't it? He will brow beat until you are just a shell. Focus on you, never, ever forget who you are. Life can be better than this x

Thanks

Mammy I totally sympathise , I am in the same situation, I'm 33 3 DC been together 15 years. He has always been dominant , but also it's almost as if I have to mother him all the time, it just feels like I have another child to care for. when I don't do all his stuff he gets abusive , throws his toys out the pram, either ignores me or throws a hissy fit.
I now feel numb and empty towards him, we are drifting apart rapidly , I have days where I miss him, but because we are "on a break" it's like a weight has been lifted, I can do what I want (to a certain extent ) and not feel like I need his approval. It's just sad that it's come to this, I do hope you are ok xxx

Rose sounds exactly like my situation.
It's as if our conversation yesterday never happened! And he's just continuing with his week of ignoring me as he had been.

Is it because it’s not public knowledge yet? Either way it doesn’t matter, you’ve told him & that’s it.

Fluffy I think he thinks if he ignores it, it'll go away or if he behaves now I'll change my mind.

Hmmm.. as they say on MN its 'get your ducks in a row ' time before he really engages with you being in absolute seriousness.

Hope you can have some mental respite today mammy even if just taking those gorgeous hounds of your out for a run

Dc will be out for a few hours dh too, I'm going to go for a walk but maybe alone not with ddogs. I need sleep too, awake most of the night.

My x used to do that. Ignore me when i said we were splitting. It was a form of gaslighting... cos i felt i had to wait til he 'got' it.

He asked me for time & to go for marriage counselling. Two years ago I asked him & he refused said I to go alone so I went for relationship counselling regarding emotional & domestic abuse, and when I was finished the next stage was marriage counselling and he refused. It's too little too late now I don't want to be in same situation in 12 or 24 or 36 months.
He knows how to play counsellors and outsiders. And this time that won't happen

I don’t think counsellors will see you if there’s been domestic abuse. It’s encouraging someone to stay with an abuser.

No don't do that!! My x went in to the counsellor with a list of grievances about me and counsellors do this thing where each side has to make a concession, so I was forced to agree to ''concede'' on various points where the reality was that I was already bending over so far backwards to accommodate his needs that my back was breaking. Literally everything revolved around him and his needs but he went in to the counsellor with a list of things I'd apparently ignored or forgotten or been insensitive to. I ended up thinking the counsellor was a fukkin' idiot.

Keep strong mammy. You are doing so well.
I remember leaving my marriage I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. Years later I remarried to a lovely man. Being alone was better than being in an abusive marriage. You sound such a strong lovely mother you will get through this. Hope you get some rest today.

I suppose the whole premise of that first port of call couple counselling is that you have two reasonable people who have reached a bit of an impasse and need guidance on where to each compromise.

I had spent so long walking on egg shells around him that I was only fighting for a life line to my family at the point of going in to counselling and somehow I ended up having to concede that my mum could only stay one night when she visited (from another country!) because he felt left out when my mum visited.

There were other things too but basically you're wasting your time with counselling I think unless you have a strong sense that you're with a good man and you just need a bit of help to work your way around one particular sticking point. I'm not anti-counselling for a couple where both people understand that they're equals.

Mrssneachta I'm going to stand firm, when he can reasonably discuss our marriage ending we'll go for mediation and if not we'll go the legal route which neither of us can afford.
I can imagine his list. He is belittling that he pushed me in front of ds, saying he only pushed me, he shouldn't push me at all only or otherwise.
Have given my au pair a partial heads up on what's happening

Keepcalm I'm not even interested in another relationship at this point, my priority are my two young children who we brought into this world and have a responsibility to give a good life to.

You will definitely be able to give your kids a good life! Others may head tilt me but my kids are doing very well at school and they have friends, security, stability, grandparents nearby now, and despite a few hairy fortnights when I didn't know what way the balls would land, they got in to the schools I wanted. I am so glad I didn't have to argue about it all, beg, plead and negotiate for my voice to be heard. He lives far enough away that he didn't have any opinion on schools.

I wish I'd been colder and more succinct in my This Is Over communication with my x now.

Obviously I was still scared of him and his power through the courts but now I wish I'd hadn't softened every message to him. I was so busy being mindful of his feelings that he inferred from the softened messages I gave to him that everything was up for discussion still.
Big mistake. I gave the message that his behaviour was the problem which made him focus on my behavior

So if this is ANY help at all, I'd advise being as blunt as you DARE to be.

''your aggression has killed any feelings I once had for you'' , ''Having to defend myself has turned me off you for ever'' "I can only look forward to a future without you''.

I avoided saying all of this because I was scared of an angry aggressive man with solicitors so I know why I tiptoed around him but looking back now I wonder if I could have speeded things up a bit.

Get safe first though. You sound like you're in a really good place mentally though. I wasn't as far along in my emergence from the FOG when I left.

...............because Counselling assumes that there are still feelings there right?

So to avoid counselling either you end up either being cast as the awkward one who won't go to counselling or, the cruel one who just bluntly announces that there are no feelings left

harder than it seems when it's just typed! So staying strong is required.

MnaSneachta I did say something similar last night.
Of course I love him but I'm no longer in love with him and that's because of the way he treats me. I told him exactly that and that this was not what I wanted our children growing up with, living on eggshells wondering if Daddy is cross today.

He has tried in the past to bully me down with threats of me not seeing my children and pulling one from the car so I wouldn't leave, as he knew I wouldn't go with only one child.
He knows I'm knowledgeable and that I won't back down from him anymore

pulling one from the car so I wouldn't leave ..Oh mammy.... Manchild..

Yep laska every time I post here I think of something new.
He went out chasing a prowler around our house about an hour ago, I suspected this was to scare me that there was someone around outside however a neighbour has also reported seeing someone on their boreen so it was probably genuine