I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

[mammymammyIRL]

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

I bet he capitalised on it to its full extent though. Either to foster
a bit of fear or to cast himself as the man of the house. Most burglars would scarper if they broke in to a house and met an inhabitant so I'd have taken my chances with a petty thief by the end of my relationship with abusive professional.

You sound really strong, you don't sound afraid. I remember being so afraid because he was relentless about how he would ''tell the children the truth'' when they grew up. I knew how he could twist everything and I was terrified. But obviously time has passed and now they both understand that people are free to walk away from a situation that isn't right for them. I know they know this and there is nothing their dad could say that would make them understand his 'truth' if he were foolish enough to try to present it to them.

You know the taking the dc from you is a delaying tactic mammy as he lives to work, and works away for long hours? So technically impossible anyway.

Any day, week, month he can keep you from basically evicting him (even if it is to next door) is a win, as it's a day where he doesn't have to deal with it, can just keep getting fed and clothed and behaving like a twat.

How hideous that he tried to tell the dc (while ignoring thats it's happening) especially when dd has anxiety, and ds is really too little to understand fully. Thats really nasty. He wanted you to back down, back track and make his tea. Like a good little mouse.

And NO to counselling. You know he'll play them. He wants you to doubt yourself. Yes to mediation and then a solicitor.

Why do these bullys pick capable fiesty women to 'break'? Is it more fun that way? I was a shell of myself when I split with my ex.

He tried to mnasneachta but I didn't rise to the bait. When he'd come home from all his heroic telling neighbours etc, I said ds is in bed, dd wants to stay up for another little while & I'm going to bed now.

Lonely
That's exactly what he's doing and I'm not budging on my decision.
Children will only be told when there's a plan in place. If he chooses to tell them prior to that he will be responsible for their suffering.
I want to work through the worry workbook I ordered for dd before she's told not after she's told.

He leaves house most mornings at 3.45 and returns at 4/5pm and works a half day every second Saturday.
I also work long hours leaving house at 6.50am and returning at 5.45/6pm but generally avoid Saturdays and if I do have to go in dc can come with me.
Is him having them overnight during the week even practical if he's gone at that time anyhow? Au pair would be in the house and they'd be asleep but still not on duty.

I'm a shadow of my former self now but want to leave before 'I' totally disappear

mammy I’ve just read the thread. You can do this. Stay strong. Ducks in a row. And take care of you.

Thanks em my friends from our thread have been so good to me x

That’s what we’re for mammy ranting to here so you don’t lose it in real life. Sometimes just writing things down helps. Xx

Definitely em especially as I've not told people in RL yet

What a crap situation to be in. Having kids around makes you even more vulnerable.

Hope you find a way out and are safe

Made contact with Family Mediation Service today, on a pending list as he has to make contact too to proceed further.

Texts today are as if we're a normal couple, obliging husband! WTF!
Participated in things with dc at weekend as if everything was normal!
As my friend at work says if he can be SO nice why can't be that nice all the time
I said it's because he's hoping I'll be lulled into a false sense of security and forget all about splitting up

Does he have to apply separately then?

Yes fluffy because you can't mediate on your own so both parties need to be willing. They only open 3 days per week business hours which will be a problem for him too but it's either that or solicitors so he'll have to find a way.

Does he have a deadline to apply by?

No fluffy unfortunately not.

If he doesn't approach them, they can send a letter to him saying that I've done and request a response.

Dhs lawyer took a deposit of a few hundred to secure him as a client, then waited for the house to sell for payment eg before the money was released to the conveyancer he and the other solicitor got paid.

We got half costs paid as ex gf dragged out what should have been a simple separation and house sale.

I've heard of that happening alright fluffy a friend is going through a long process with an alcoholic ex husband.
Hopefully it'll be sorted this spring, maybe 6 years on

Update

He asked for phone number for them, maybe he's going to do this reasonably and rationally?

Maybe.

I wouldn’t bank on it. It can get very nasty.

I still remember cousin in law saying they were going to keep it amicable

Last year my cousin went for mediation, and her 'd'h only went to one session when he realised that he was going to have to keep her as well as the children. Diff situation as she's a sahp but we'll see what comes of this. I compared dh to her dh once and he was horrified that I thought he was in the same category, they're not that different at all.

Dh has been through this situation before and the courts etc with his previous wife, maybe he'll think of the children, maybe not.

I'm taking dc to my parents house this weekend, maybe I'll come back to find the locks changed who knows!

Yep, I’m an ideal world you’d think well arguing just makes lawyers rich and divvy things up like a business partnership ending.

Exactly! I'm not out to gain from this, just to be fair to everyone.

Mammy ,hello just wanted to pop back here to say I am still thinking of you and yours .. Why did he want to go out for Mothers day? seems a bit strange? is he still totally blocking this out?

Dont be fooled ,. i know what you said about other convenient house , but you do also need to think what it could be a way down the line.m

Do you really want to be always cheek by jowl and 'looked ove'r in your new life?. If he is at l controlling ( and I am not suggesting he would be post divorce) it could be that you will feel you haven t 'got away'.

I made the mistake of being too nice and had to put up with my ex visiting and even staying at my house for many years afterwards because i felt he should have family time with his son. After a while I realised that really what the was doing was nothing to do with being a father .. he was using it to keep controlling eye on me,,. He didnt want me, but he did want to ensure I behaved in a certain way .(all under the guise of 'caring and ensuring the best interests of his child'...) He left me when son was less than a month old but I finally go him totally out of my life when Ds was15/16.. ( and this was because I mistakenly tried to keep things 'nice and family -like' for DS..who of course was never fooled and now never sees his F (because of course the contact stopped pretty much the moment I stopped enabling it , by letting him come around)

I didn't allow ex to visit because I wanted him back BTW.. that was the last thing i wanted!! I just wanted DS to have the experience of a 'proper family' ...Mistake.

Mammy I agree with laska, I'm not sure you'd ever be free if you were still in such close proximity, even if that covers a lot of practicalities financially. Wouldn't he ask what you were doing and where you were going and you'd feel 'watched'. I would. Just my view though xx

Need & Laska I've read your posts will reply later when I get a free minute. Was in bed early last night.