I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

[mammymammyIRL]

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

The guard said to me you don't need to worry he won't hurt them, I said you wouldn't have thought he'd hurt me either so you can't say that.

My step daughter was back to school today and as soon as she was gone and I had the house to myself I broke into tears. Over the weekend my husband verbally abused me when he was drunk. This is not the first time this has happened but it doesn’t happen on a very regular basis. The trouble is, saying sorry after just isn’t easing the pain it’s caused me. I am a SAHM who gave up a well paid job to take care of his daughter and the house. I have recently began a small business tutoring kids which I adore. I have my own savings and a proprty that I rent out for income. I phoned the Samaritans this morning desperately needing to share with someone as I have no close friends. I have an exam in only a few weeks time as well. My mum is aware of my relationship problems but I don’t like burdening her with it. My husband is a narcissist. He says things like ‘there’s nobody as good as me’ about his work and feels the same way about other people generally. I know the time is ticking on our relationship as the only advice I have got so far is to ask him to attend counselling (I already know he won’t) or to ask him to stop drinking (again I can’t see him doing this. There has not been a single weekend since I have known him that he hasn’t ‘needed’ a drink). I just feel so down about having to give up on this marriage and rebuild a life for myself.

@Smum77

You sound so sad and yet you have a lot going for you - your own property, a small business etc and you must have qualifications to be a tutor. I think it would be a good idea to start your own thread (if you haven't already done so) and let the MN wisdom apply itself to your situation.

for you

Thanks for that. I am really low today. So low that I hadn’t realised I was posting under someone else’s thread. I will repost.

@Smum77 I'm the op & it is your dh that has thrown away your marriage not you, unless your dm is old & frail I would lean on her for support. Well done on calling the samaratins. Get through your exam & then focus on getting yourself out of this marriage. I agree saying sorry afterwards doesn't erase the hurt they cause you

Been to solicitor today

Letter being sent requesting structure to access, questioning his reduction to joint expenses account, looking for guidance on Christmas & confirmation that family home can be sold.

Mediation was suggested but I said no as I wasted so much time this year waiting for it only for him to storm out on second session.

Dc are with their dad this evening, it's been melancholic.
Ddog has given up on life, he misses his soulmate who died in July. I've spent a lot of the evening just sitting with him.

Hopefully a good outcome from the solicitor letter soon. Poor DDog, your comfort really helps I'm sure

@MissingMo ddog had to be put to sleep but glad I spent so much time with him wed night & thurs morn.

Strange how much of my life & routines have changed this year. My two dogs passed away. My children now only eat with me a few times a week now instead of daily. My weekly shop doesn't even need to be weekly now because dc & I are happy to make do or have something else if original choice is not available.

I'm so sorry to hear that. At least he isn't lonely or in pain anymore.

True missingmo

Got word today that I will get the single parent tax credits applied and my tax status is now recorded as separated. This will mean a few more extra € in my pay packet each week

Would've been together 13 years today
Kind of ironic to find out about single persons tax credit today

Update - no response at all to solicitors letter.
I printed out calendar & suggested dates for him to have them from now to end of Christmas holidays, and asked for him to review he agreed with everything

I will do similar for jan & Feb at end of next month & see what happens & return to solicitor for another letter regarding house & contribution to joint account.

Ds is struggling so looking into play therapy for him, dd is doing fantastically well.

I'm great too, seeing friends regularly, have lost 9lbs & taken up my running again.

Sounds like you are doing well generally @mammynowanauntyIRL.
Maybe he feels like he has the upper hand for not replying to letter so is more agreeable as a result? Maybe that could be a tactic for you going forward, demand more than you really want/expect and then 'compromise' to get what you really wanted/expected in the first place

I think you're correct that he feels he has the upper hand but I think he's not replying to the letter in order to control me. If he doesn't respond I can't put the house up for sale and then he's happy as myself and dc are still where he can observe everything we do.

I'm definitely doing well but possibly because I've shelved the process moving forward until after Christmas as dc are my priority.

Well done mammy - stay strong.

I have just re-read your thread and you have been so strong and determined along the way.
I'm hoping I can do the same.
Thank you x

Curvy I'm sure you will.
I must read the full thread sometime soon.

I'm ready to push on with next step of selling house and detangling myself from him financially

You have come so far, hopefully the next steps will be easier, I think if you can look at it as a business transaction, it might be a bit easier?

When I read your opening post the first time, I thought "well mine doesn't shove me, so we can't be that bad" And carried on regardless
I can't believe I was that blinded!
So thank you again xx

I've just left my 'D'P today....so so happy!! I think I'll have a hard time later but I'm going to rent for 6 months as my house has sold in Ireland today too ....hopefully I can find something within my price range.

Thank you for your inspiration mammy

@iwillgetout great news about house being sold what an big achievement!

So h didn't comply with the weekends he agreed to at all in Nov & Dec only the first one which left me disappointing dd one sat night as I had tickets bought for a comedy gig, it also completely changed my night as I'd planned to have a couple of drinks & stay over at a friends house so instead I didn't drink & came home after so that we could enjoy the Sunday together & au pair babysat.

He saw them very little over Christmas, let work be his priority as per usual. Myself & dc had a lovely holiday together though and at Christmas lunch dd told me it was the best Christmas ever they overnighted with him that night & although I'd invites to visit friends, I stayed home cosy in front of the fire & watched movies and soaps and reflected on how much my life has improved since he moved out.

This weekend I'd to text at 3pm fri to know which night he was having dc, so nothing has changed with weekend access at all. I'm going to have to push this again as I can't make plans with dc and can't make plans for myself.
I had planned to take them to local panto fri night & go to a friends for women's Christmas last night, instead I went to panto alone & stayed home with dc last night.

In an argument before Christmas he said he would make an appointment with solicitor to get moving on the house sale for January so I'll wait Jan out for this & tackle it at beg of Feb if/when he does nothing about it.

@Happierwithouthim - are you the OP? Sorry if I have missed something here.

Regardless of whether you are or not, it is inspiring to hear how your and the children's lives have improved.

Oh happier, I'm really glad you had a good Christmas and what a lovely thing for dd to say!
I'm sorry h is still not sticking to what he said he would do, so annoying for you and disappointing for the DCs.
Hugs x