DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

choutted thanks for that insight, really helpful. It does look like my dp is experiencing big stress when he gets angry, it is useful to hear that you experience this not as anger but as overwhelm. He does say stuff like that actually now I think about it. I find it quite upsetting, not that I feel afraid, but I find frustrating and unnecessary, especially since it seems like an overreaction. But as you point out, it is cumulative feelings resulting in overwhelm. He does seem to reset afterwards and is back to normal, often feeling sorry to have upset me. He says things like 'I am just loud' by which I think he means there is nothing behind it, he is just shutting everything out - but obviously that is pretty hard to deal with if you are on the receiving end!

What would help you, do you think, to avoid those ragey moments?

The most useful thing for me is to be allowed to use coping strategies for reducing the overwhelm. Which sounds so bloody obvious, but for example it's really easy for people to, for instance, stand there yabbering at me after I've withdrawn for a few minutes peace and quiet - because they're not having any issues, therefore I'm not. Sure, if there's an actual emergency, or you're à small child, I'm always happy to help, but if neither of those apply, every time they speak I have to stop destressing turn my attention to them, ascertain that it is not important, and they don't want a reply, turn my attention back to destressing, and then AHH THEY'VE STARTED AGAIN and I'm back to square one. It's really frustrating and exhausting.

The really big thing, I think, is that although people say autistic people have problems with empathy, from my perspective it looks like it's the NTs that have trouble empathising.

I mean, if you ask me how to help, I explain as clearly and carefully as possible, and then you ignore everything I said and instead do what makes more sense to you, what would we call that other than difficulty empathising?

Yes I see your point. Thanks for being so open, it is helpful. Have you had any help to work out strategies at all? I am just wondering what, if anything, we could expect from a diagnosis.

No help with that specifically, but a diagnosis does help with explaining to people, and did take a lot of the pressure off me.

I suppose it would depend on what an individual person's triggers are, as mine tend to be entirely avoidable with a little cooperation from others. I last blew off at the dental X-ray technician who kept asking me to relax my shoulders down, which felt unreasonable to me, as every single time she asked, I explained that they didn't go down any further and I didn't think I could make them do so (they've been that way all my life).

After I eventually yelled at her, she moved the machine up about a cm and my shoulders fitted under. I related the story to my occupational therapist, who said that, while it would have been preferable if I hadn't shouted, the technician should have listened to me in the first place rather than just ignoring me until I exploded.

Usually I take other people to appointments with me so that they can intervene if there's a communication problem like that, but that's problematic with X-rays...

I suppose what I would stress is that it takes two to tango. I'm not saying that this is necessarily true for you, but Mumsnet, and in NT circles generally, there's a consensus that the autistic person is the problem. They aren't, the problem is usually BOTH of them. From where I'm standing, I feel like NTs often do things like setting up unreasonable expectations, and complaining when I fail to meet them, or ignoring what I say, or actually listening to what I say and then taking offence at something they say is what I "really meant", when I only meant what I said and no more.

Relationships are built on compromise and meeting each others needs. Both partners need to change, and understand that the other has different needs which may differ from those that are expected by the other person.

Autism often comes with dyslexia type problems like poor working memory or executive function. One thing that my boyfriend and I compromised on together was that he got mad I never tidied up after myself. I explained that I was trying to, but I lacked the ability to pick out what needed to be tidied from my visual field, which can be quite overwhelming.

We compromised, by agreeing that he would collect my clutter into a pile, and if I saw such a pile, I knew the things in it needed to be put away properly, by me. It worked very well, because I was still doing the heavy lifting, and the extra "mental labour" I was asking him to do was a lot easier for him than me.

But on mumsnet, especially if the genders were reversed, that would be unacceptable, and I find some of the vitriol posted here at times very difficult to read.

Chouetted, you have great insight. I think knowing yourself and giving feedback constructively is healthy.Not sure that is going on for others here.

Devon, do you get apologises afterwards?

How do you let your partner know you need timeout? I think most NT partners would accept a timeout as long as its not sustained as otherwise it can be construed as stonewalling.

That was another thing I agreed on - that I would tell him if I could, but if it had gone so far that if I couldn't, I could disappear and he would assume it was that.
The one thing he was very adament on was that I needed to verbally confirm with him afterwards that I was OK, so that he didn't worry or mistake it for something more serious like stonewalling.

The diagnosis can be what leads to self-understanding, so I wouldn't write undiagnosed people of on that basis if they're open to pursuing one. It essentially altered my perspective on myself and pretty much everything that had happened to me. Until then I'd just been written off as "difficult".

Thank you Chouetted.
Very helpful posts. Tony Attwood in one of his books points out that in isolation someone with Aspergers would likely appear the same as NT and can function just as well. I think I have got that a bit incorrect but I hope you get the gist, there is nothing 'wrong' with an Aspie, just different.

Yes, I read the same book - I think the exact quote is along the lines of "The easiest way to cure someone of Aspergers is to put them in a room on their own and shut the door".

I have a lot of time for what Tony Attwood says, he really seems to "get it" - but yet he missed the signs of autism in his own son. It really can be difficult even for experts.

Thanks
I have moved since I read it and it is in a box...... somewhere!

Thank you choutted I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I totally agree that it is both people, I really do want to understand better. I think coping strategies would help us. We / he just needs to try to work out what would help - not just with the temper things, but with other social stuff that sometimes causes (minor but embarrassing) issues for him/us.
. I recognise myself in the 'keep on yabbering' description 😳 !!

I think a diagnosis would help. At the moment my dp is on the fence, I don't think he sees the point and is worried about it too of course.

lifeafter50 yes he definitely feels remorseful and apologises for the temper.

@Devon
You say DP is on the fence about diagnosis.
I think, and hopefully others would agree that in this situation a diagnosis would (if done thoughtfully) be equivalent to providing some easy steps off the fence rather than falling over the other side.
From what I understand about Aspergers it is not like a 'progressive illness' but relatively stable suggesting that as 'affected' as you are now won't change significantly although may become more obvious as life changes around you. I am tolerant of a fair amount of commotion but if there are more than about 20 people shouting and carrying on (even though I am not part of it) I can't cope. My 'overload' tolerance for 'people' type noise is probably around 5 or 6 people.

I strongly suspect my husband has AS. I'm finding it difficult to deal with. It's almost like I'm grieving a bit? Especially when we hang out with friends who are both NT partners, the difference is highlighted and I don't think he notices it but I do. How do I feel with that without getting upset? I'm really struggling with the knowledge that I'm not going to be loved the way I want to be ever.

HELP!

I've been reading this and my husband's behaviour reflects the traits described* here.
*
We've been separated for two years and his ASD type traits have become more pronounced.

He's taking us down the route of divorce but I think our marriage has potential reading this thread.

However I am so conflicted.

On the one hand I think I'm being needy; dysfunctional. On the other hand, enlightened about ASD and see how we could adapt and retrieve our relationship.

However, if he is ASD, then it is suggested here that he cannot adjust and I sadly HAVE to walk away.

What do you think?

I'm struck by how little discussion there is in this thread about how all this impacts your kids. I am the child of an aspie dad, and frankly as a couple of PPs have said it made him a shit dad in many ways and has definitely had a negative impact on my expectations of relationships.

All partnerships involve some compromise so in @HintUp's situation you need to analyse what it is that your DP is doing or not doing and try to find a way to reduce the distress it causes you. Presuming what he does, or doesn't is not meant to make you unhappy deliberately so simply asking him to be as aware as possible of what it is may be enough. He may need a (gentle) prod or trigger word or something.
You may have to be a bit more 'direct' than a NT couple might be. If you want him to give you a cuddle, you might need to instigate it rather than hoping he will just do it spontaneously.
This is not meant as an attack on anyone but there are always 2 sides to a story, there will be stuff you do that 'bug' your partner.

@The Queen.
I think many of the suggestions have appeared before on this thread but:
Read up as much as you can.
Trying an online test can be a useful indicator, but is obviously not a hard and fast diagnosis. You can fill it in as you think he would answer. Obviously less accurate as you may think different to him. You would at least get to a feeling 'on balance'.
Try and establish whether (he) has a motive which would separate you.
Does he accept he is a bit different in his thinking.
Ultimately you will need to decide whether splitting is best but if you have 'managed' a decent number of years is it really necessary to split if improvements can be made. The grass is not always greener.

@FluctuatNecMergitu.
A very good point. I will presume you are not my DC.
I don't think having Aspergers NEEDS to negatively impact on a child, and I believe it is hereditary so the child may have traits too. What is probably more significant is the the household tension if there is significant friction between partners due to the difference in thinking between them. I think many, certainly younger children would be quite accepting of a parent with Aspergers and would report it to their friends in terms of the 'funny' things they do or say.
We would welcome your thoughts on this (well I would at least).

Well that's the thing outabout (pretty sure you're not my dad!), there are "funny stories" the family has been telling for decades about that time my dad did xxx through his sheer self-centredness that put his kids in actual physical danger. And now I have kids myself I just think WTAF, if my DH did anything like that I would be divorcing him, not telling it as a funny story over Christmas dinner.

Also, I've been putting up with his quirks and foibles for over forty years. I've recently gone low contact with my ILs over FIL's anger issues - to what extent can I then expect my own DH and kids to put up with my own dad when he's a PITA?

Fluctuate : absolutely right to point the impact on children. Yes the tension between the two of us has had a massive impact on them. They would be livid if they knew I was even considering a way of reconciling. However, it would give us all closure to move on if we could make sense of how the differences in thinking impacted upon us.

From my point of view, I need to make the reasonable adjustments to find out whether divorce is the right path.

Asking direct questions means a 50/50 chance of a NO, and when I am asking for something where I feel vulnerable, a blunt ASD no hurts. For me the reasonable adjustment is being prepared to hear No.

@FluctuatNecMergitur.
You have cleared up the 'parent' question, I am only just old enough.
Having spent (too much) time reading many threads on MN it is apparent that women do not think the same as men at a fairly fundamental level and the attitudes to risk for example are quite different. If you then take Aspergers and add this more defined 'parallel universe' thinking it gets more complicated.
I am not sure where I am going with this though, if anywhere.
I would define a relationship by whether there is INTENT to be selfish or 'harm' others or whether it is down to the parallel track of different brain functions so seemingly selfish behaviour is actually a failure to comprehend anothers intentions.
I was accused of being selfish but many of the things I was doing was for other people, actually increasing my 'workload', volunteering to fix things and being on committees for example. Taken from DW's perspective I was failing to provide enough attention to 'the family'.

On the subject of children, many of us are stuck between a rock and a hard place. In my own situation, my dp and I didn't even know Aspergers was a thing, let alone something that might affect us, when we first got together and had kids. I think that through the stress and chaos etc of a growing family and his continued issues with his business, it has gradually become apparent that there is something else going on for him. At this point, I can't really imagine that us breaking up would be better for our kids than trying to work together to find strategies that might help us navigate this better.

The tension in the house is a worry. But we don't have a choice, we can't give them back now! We have to try to work on it and be aware and supportive of the children. Which we do as well as we can. I think it is pretty hard to predict the affect you have on your kids - I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't have 'stuff' from their upbringing...

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting though fluctuate.

Thanks devon though it's not really a massive issue as he's only very tangentially in our lives these days.

out I would define a relationship by whether there is INTENT to be selfish or 'harm' others or whether it is down to the parallel track of different brain functions so seemingly selfish behaviour is actually a failure to comprehend anothers intentions

Well yes that's all very well for the relationship between the parents. The problem is that you can't expect little kids to tell the difference and they may well end up with a genuinely emotionally abusive partner without the "mitigating factor" of ASD.

outabout I hear that 'intention' thing a lot from my dp. And to a point I totally get it. Of course if he didn't intend X to be hurtful/rude/selfish/angry then I can to some degree re-read the situation as a 'misfire'. But the effort required to contestant ly give someone behaving in those ways the benefit of the doubt, is massive and exhausting. I sometimes feel I have to be the adult for both of us. In addition, I don't know about you of course, but my dp doesn't really realise that whether he intended the outcome or not, the feeling it induces is the same. I have still experienced the selfish act, temper tantrum or whatever - the net affect is the same whether it is intended or not. It can be very frustrating.

I totally hear your frustrations fluctuate. it is hard to be let down by your dad, especially if FiL is also not the greatest grandad material.

Devon & Fluctuate it's all so confusing and intense. My heart goes out to you.

I think for many of the issues raised 'knowledge is power' in that at least informal testing/diagnosis to set up a framework for examining the facts. You could then do a SWOT analysis on the facts, as you know them and formulate an opinion as to whether sticking and working together or splitting is the better option.
Some adjustments to alleviate issues would be reasonable. If a person with ASD gets to a meltdown situation by stress when in a large crowd, then not putting them in this situation if possible could be a 'solution'. If a NT person feels the need to get out and socialise above what their partner (for the sake of argument, stressed in crowds) does not cope with, then an adjustment could be that the ASD person stays at home with DC or alone while the partner goes out with friends. It doesn't HAVE to be a conflict.