DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

Yes @outabout texting def works so much better. He wrote me beautiful messages and cards etc when we met. I think he would happily spend all day emailing and texting people rather than having any physical contact. He’s also terrible at speaking to people over the phone - he absolutely loathes it. Thank you @devoncreamtea I think I do need counselling perhaps although I’ve always found it limiting as it’s just an outlet for frustration and obviously not solving the problems. I’m so glad I started this thread but must be mindful not to ramble on and take over it’s important for us all to get it out there and have our say!! Yes reading (dipping in and out of) quite a lot of the books suggested on the thread and finding them insightful and I’m really grateful to MN - I’d only posted once before on here was always a lurker but so glad I had the courage to do it!! It’s been a tonic to hear and understand other people’s experiences and stories. Big hugs to you Devon and to @HintUp and @HomeSweetChocolate

Totally get that @middleage3 thinking about you since your earlier posts.

It has taken me nearly 2 weeks to summon the nerve to phone for a haircut, not truly terrifying but combinations of 'not now' and a million little excuses. I can hardly see the computer screen! I don't mind answering the phone though.
If you get to 1000 posts MN close the thread, would be a shame as there are so many joiners.

Can I ask a Question of those on the spectrum? I have a DP who I suspect is very aspergers, he'll never get diagnosised though

Do you have a problem with being accidentally injured, like if I accidentally step on your toe or split coffee and some landed on you. Almost like an extreme fight or flight response and no real understanding that it isn't deliberate.

Posy thank you so much for your really helpful post - so much of makes so much sense.

I had started a notebook for my son (based on a lovely book called ‘Liking Myself’) in which I write things which make him special and of which he should be proud. He doesn’t really engage with it but I hope that if just have it around he may sneak a look now and then and hopefully it may give him a boost on days he is feeling low. He is the sweetest, funniest, kindest boy who has incredible creativity and brilliance and can do things I can only imagine - it breaks my heart seeing him so down on himself when he is so amazing - if he could only realize it.

The colours-as-emotions concept is really interesting and I might explore that with him. He is very visual and adores drawing so it should be easy to introduce.

Shared experiences also makes so much sense - he does not have any other friends (that we know of) who are on the spectrum, so maybe I need to find ways to connect him with some others who may be open to it.

Thanks again - I really appreciate it.

(Apologies SpaceCadet for side tracking your thread. I hope that you and your DH can find a way through this, if that is the right path for you.)

Teatogo I cannot speak for someone on the spectrum but I do recognize that in my son, who has ASD. It is like a massive overreaction to what seems (to us) relatively minor accidents.

@teatogo I completely recognize that trait in my ex. Also if I accidentally broke something (however trivial) he would completely overreact. I learned very early on in our relationship to not engage when he was like that

Thank you. I thought that might be the case.I appreciate having it confirmed

Do you have a problem with being accidentally injured, like if I accidentally step on your toe or split coffee and some landed on you. Almost like an extreme fight or flight response and no real understanding that it isn't deliberate

That's a sensory reaction. Sensory over and under stimulation is part of Sensory Processing Disorder fka Sensory Integration

www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

It's one of the very common co-morbids associated with autism.

Thank you @ILikTheBred and I’m just really pleased you’ve found it useful!! I’m really pleased I started the thread now 😃 My own DD may well be on the spectrum so anything in any way relateable is all good stuff. You sound like a wonderful mum - I’m sure your son will thrive with your support

I"m new. Been browsing Munsnet for a few years. This thread prompted me to join in order to post.
The main thing I want to say is that Maxine Aston is running a day workshop in September for partners of people with Aspergers (diagnosed or not). It's Coventry way. Suffice to say I've booked up. That booking and posting here are my first steps to attempting to deal with my bell jar that's suffocating me.

Hi @mygoldenbelljar I’m so pleased you have joined. That is really interesting about the workshop - do you have a link you could post? I would seriously consider booking onto it. In the meantime please feel free to share on this thread it’s full of love and support for all those of us struggling in the NT/Aspie partnership and also anyone who’s lives are affected by ASD

Hello all. Nice to see new joiners! I am struggling this week. Have come up against repeated bouts of rage from dp, who just can't seem to express any other emotion. It is so exhausting. I can't make him hear my point of view, he just rages apto shut me out. Even when I try to calm it all down and get him to talk about it, he keeps saying stuff like 'but that was 10 minutes ago, we aren't even talking about that now' although the conversation is about the same issue. If I open my mouth he just assumes that I am criticising him, he doesn't wait to hear what I say. He runs his own business but it is a disaster. He has been trying to get it going for 10 years and it just has never got anywhere profit wise. This means that he spends all his time and effort on this project (it is one of his 'things') and he is good at the job itself, but cannot get it together to run a coherent business. It has plagued us for years. I am not allowed to question this situation at all, or I am called unsupportive and get yelled and raged at. He works on this at the expense of everything else, he can't find a balance at all, he is always 'working his arise off' and can't seem to understand that him going off and 'working' on his thing is not the same as him doing extra shifts at a factory for example, because there is no correlation between the time he spends on it and the money he makes. But he expects me to behave like he is going down t'pit for 10 hours a day to put food on the table, when in fact he is spending all his time tinkering with his special interest and calling it 'work'. I am so frustrated!

I would love some advice. Like lots of others have said on here, it isn't a straightforward case of him being sekfish, because in many ways he is a lovely partner and dad. But his anger and this work issue are eroding everything for me. I am beginning to feel that I hate him and am totally totally fed up with being yelled at. it is very confusing.

@devoncreamtea
Hi, welcome.
Apart from a couple of details, like 10 years, you could be my (now EX) wife practically word for word. I work for myself, not exactly profitably but the fact I would break off and do 'housey' type things which I enjoy doesn't help. I am happy doing something, whatever it is.
I THINK that your DH should speak with someone about the business to identify what he needs help with to make it more profitable as it is all to easy to get bogged down in detail and miss the bigger picture.
Whether it is a friend who can run through the accounts or whatever I don't know.
I would strongly suggest that whoever he talks to is not you, it needs to be neutral.
The thread is about Aspergers, has he been diagnosed or do you just think he is or??
A business partner, possibly someone with accounts ability to keep tabs on spending who can chase money from customers and even haggle for better prices, even an hour a week COULD help.
What is his 'thing' anyway (if it is not too revealing)?
I will happily respond to a PM if that is preferable to you.

Hello out, you don't remember, but we chatted before in this thread and you mentioned my similarity with your ExW then too! My dp is not diagnosed but I have become convinced that aspergers might be going on for him and he is sort of in agreement.

Thanks god your advice. He has had mentoring from someone, but as you mention, I he gets tied up in the details. He is an amazing practitioner - works with functional movement and natural fitness. He is passionate and brilliant. But he is also obsessive and one track minded, he spent years perfecting the design of his website - it never went live!!!!! Then he spent more years perfecting a new one....it is stuff like that that slows him down. He can't manage to separate function from form. (Ironically...!). My main problem is his inability to talk about any of this reasonably or to see my perspective. He doesn't want to be challenged on anything and expects my unconditional support, even when his behaviour impacts me negatively. In fact he doesn't seem to understand 'ripple affects' at all. So his business ventures not working obviously impact our family finances, I end up shouldering that burden and he can't seem to understand that this means I might be less than happy with the situation. He just reacts to the criticism and takes it personally, belittles and denies my view as invalid. He isn't being deliberately twatty, I think he really doesn't get why it's a problem, because (I imagine) it is not a problem for him....how do I learn to communicate with him? Especially when he is angry? How do I cut through it to bring it down to a level where I am not just in a room being yelled at?! My patience is wearing very thin.

Crikey, that was only last week and I hardly remember, sorry.
I suppose anger management counseling or something like that but I would imagine suggesting this would make him angry.
There must be a way to 'break into him' to find out what the issues are.
I can understand him wanting to get his website 'right' but I would imagine that someone looking at his 'business' would probably say outsource the website development and get on with some aspects that you can't outsource. Similarly accounts (I need one!) is something that can be done by anyone although having one that is tuned in to his business would be best to come up with some creative ideas. Setting a financial target would induce stress, probably leading to anger, although it is a 'proper' thing to do. If there is a local enterprise place near you that may be helpful. I went to one years ago and it covered bookkeeping, tax, and a whole range of things aimed at small businesses. One lad of 18 who was good at woodwork reckoned he was going to make kitchens to be sold by B+Q, starting in his garage. I don't think he made it.
Domestically I fear it is learning what makes him angry and try to find a way so he doesn't get like that. It may simply be that you leave him alone for a while if he 'self corrects'. I usually do.
It's a matter of harnessing his strengths. The fact he is so passionate about what he does, and as you say he is good at it, suggests it 'just' needs channeling correctly. He is too close to see a bigger picture and too much involvement from you will create more tension at home.
Wishing you luck
Out

Thanks outabout. Yes the anger management idea did make him angry 😬 !!!!! I should have seen that coming!!! I do try to be kind and approachable, I am trying not to trigger him, and I can see for sure that the angry outbursts are a stress response or are masking emotions that he doesn't know what to do with. I am trying to be fair to him. But then I wonder if that just enables the crappy pattern?

What is self correcting?

I am trying to be supportive, but I don't want to be in a relationship like this anymore. It is really really hard to cope with. I feel annoyed that I have to be the one thinking and changing and he gets the benefit of me caring enough to do it, without even acknowledging I am doing it - it feels door mattish to me. I am a capable woman, I could manage perfectly well without him, it is only my care for him (I can't say love at the moment, because I am too upset with it all) that drives me to keep trying. It us hurtful when you feel as though you are putting everything you have into a relationship and the other person doesn't even know that is happening. I wish he thought even a tiny bit about me and what I might need to thrive and be supported, but he just doesn't seem to do that. It is all very practical. For instance he always cites things like: 'when you thought you couldn't do your PhD, I told you you could do it!' As examples of caring or supportive moments. I don't want to sound mean
And I am glad he believes in me,, but the woman who served me my tea every day in the uni cafe said more than that to me when she overheard me moaning to a colleague...!! It isn't exactly up there in the supportive partnership hall of fame, or am I going nuts??!

I just don't feel it is equitable. Sorry for going on and on. How is everyone else doing at the moment?

Maybe the door is calling you. Perhaps a weekend away with a (girl) friend and work on a chart looking at all the plus and minuses and weigh up what you would lose or gain by leaving.
By self correcting, I can get hopping mad to the extent of hitting THINGS with a hammer, but once whatever task is completed I go back to 'calm' almost immediately. Someone chiming in with 'I told you so' doesn't help though!

Devon, it sounds hellish to live like this.
There are fundamental characteristics that need to exist in a relationship and these seem missing for you.Empathy, accepting feedback, moderating emotions to name just a few.
Your H may have ASD but could also just have bad behaviour as well.What was his childhood like?

If he is not willing to help you make the relationship better than can it continue?

I believe ex has ASD, some things stood out so clearly such as inability to read facial expressions and taking some things literally. However due to an abusive childhood and then financial success in a career he was arrogant and highly entitled, aka narcisstic traits.
I believe his personality was amplified by ASD as he often misread situations but instead of hearing feedback his arrogance would cause him to rage.
His lack of empathy and poor facial recognition meant he could not see when he had hurt those around him and consequently be broke connections with those that loved him.

I think ASD does not make people act horribly but it can exaggerate personality traits, especially in men as society is more forgiving of male arrogance/aggression.I believe women are generally socialised to "play nicely and be kind" so ASD is masked.

Please don't underestimate the impact that walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger him will have on you phyiscally.
Perhaps journal the incidents, learn to observe not absorb and set a timeframe for it to get better.

One thing is certain, if he does not accept your feedback or agree to explore actions, nothing will change.

Outabout, did you accept feedback from your ex wife or did you hear them as "criticisms" ?
What changes were you willing/able to make to keep the relationship together?

lifebegins50 thank you for your reply. It is really helpful to hear your experiences. I am at the beginning of this process really; posting here is really helping! I am definitely at a fork in the road. As you say, I need to see that he is willing to work on his issues and take responsibility for his behaviours. I think I could leave, but I am still very invested in us. I do know that I don't want to live in this way any more though. Your timeframe idea is appealing!

He comes from a big family, they definitely have their dysfunctions but they are very accepting of each other. It has struck me that nobody really pulls him up on his behaviour, I wonder whether anyone ever helped him to find healthier ways to express his feelings. He has many good points! So these behaviours are really difficult, but there are redeeming features...I think this is perhaps why I am feeling conflicted. It isn't a straightforward situation and I do wonder whether finding out about ways to communicate and understanding ASD better might help us to resolve some of the problems.

Equally....self preservation feels important! Was there a final straw for you with your ex?

Devon, yes a final straw but combined with a growing realisation that even if he couldn't help his reactions I did not want to live like it anymore.Emotional support was important to me and being with him meant I had very little as family & friends all assumed I had a partner (in the true sense of the word).

I have been ill since separation (which is why I stress looking after yourself, if you get stomach tightening reactions its stress and may have impact on immune system) however because I am now single I have been surrounded by care which has literally lifted me.The diifference is enormous.

I know had we been together I would have got some physical support from him, lifts to hospital etc but it would have been limited.
He would have been upset and that may have caused him to shutdown emotionally which feels selfish when you are on the receiving end.

I could not be weak or thrive and grow when I was with him because everything that needed emotional intelligence felt hard work.On a practical level it was good but to thrive I realised I needed a partner who could offer emotional and practical support.
The example of your phd is good, it takes confidence to embark on study and your partner gave a response that he felt ticked the box however an emotionally intelligent person would have known a one off response isn't support.

I think ultimately I wanted a partner who could match my emotional intelligence, in the same way we might want a partner who relates to our general intelligence.
We were together a long time however and external factors such as a change in his job accelerated the ending as his traits (and stress) were exaggerated.His age may also have made a difference as he seemed more rigid as he got older.

I am sorry to hear that you are ill . Yes, the emotional support is so important, it gets lonely without it... It must have been hard to decide to go after investing so much of yourself in the relationship. We have children and sometimes I do think I might have already left if we didn't have them.

Hmmm, I'll freely admit that I'm a shouter/rager at times . Its difficult to control, so I generally prewarn people to just leave me to it if I start.

The important thing for me to get across to them is that, even though it looks like anger, it isn't. It's usually that a combination of things has built up to the point where my nerves are wound up to breaking point, and the only way to release the pressure if I can't be alone to withdraw for a bit is to "rage". What ever I say, I'll be mortified about it afterwards and certainly didn't mean it. Once the "pressure" is gone I'm back to equilibrium.

So I'm not sure anger management classes would be helpful, it's more useful for me to sit down with the person I did it to and identify the things that happened beforehand to cause it. These could have been hours earlier! Then we usually agree on compromises that reduce the likelihood of it happening again.

Just to add, my last relationship failed to work out because his last girlfriend was NT and controlling and though he knew intellectually that my behaviour was for completely different reasons, he couldn't suppress the emotional overreaction on his part, which I guess was triggered by bad memories, so I do understand it can be hard for the NT partner.