DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

@TheBiskyBat, Welcome.
Thank @Spacecadet for the thread. A question, after a 'volatile' moment does he reset himself after a while and calm down or does he sleep on it and wake with it forgotten? Also withdrawal from a conflict situation to me (undiagnosed probably a bit Aspie) seems a sensible idea but would wind my Ex up because I hadn't had a 'constructive argument'. For me it was not worth discussing. I would usually be OK to say sorry for it but I didn't feel it really warranted a full blown discussion.

A question, after a 'volatile' moment does he reset himself after a while and calm down or does he sleep on it and wake with it forgotten?

Either. He’s perfectly capable of going to bed in silence and waking up fine the next morning. Or it being weird for a while then ok the same day. And he’s genuinely surprised by the fact I’m not ok - there’s no closure and it’s all on his terms. I’ve got used to it but it seems very unfair that I have to let him sulk when he wants to and then be back to normal and happy when he’s ready to be so!

PosyFossilsShoes Thank you for a really insightful post. When you say you have found strategies to

Agh sorry posted by accident ! What I meant to write was - when you say you have found strategies to help with manage the emotional masochism (as you put it) - can I ask what these are ? I have an 8 year old with ASD who has really low self-esteem and is constantly blaming himself and beating himself up trying to manage reading other people and his reactions to things. I would love to find ways which may help ease this for him.

ILik it's a huge topic and would vary enormously from person to person. But at 8 I was frequently sitting on my bedroom windowsill wondering about falling out, so I do know what being eight with terrible self esteem feels like - and that is despite having had the most incredibly supportive parents. The best things I've found have been

shared experience - knowing that there are other people who have the same issues, and liking them, finding them funny and insightful and witty and clever, and knowing that the name for what we share is autistic spectrum disorder, that's been a massive thing. It takes the sting out of the feeling of failure. I'm trying to think of a NT or universal equivalent - I suppose like coming out of the loo with loo roll stuck to your shoe and someone else saying "I've done that!" and feeling rueful instead of mortified.

Following on from that looking at strengths - yes I have a lot of deficits and the diagnostic process obviously focuses on deficits, but we also have some fantastic strengths. Attention to detail, immersion in tasks, passion, loyalty, solution-focused - and finding that I had THAT in common with other autistic people as well as a propensity to forget about the washing-up was very validating.

Maybe try Autistic Pride with him? Do you have any adult autistic friends?

colours for emotions - like a lot of people on the spectrum I really struggle to name emotions or describe them. That doesn't mean I don't feel them, I feel emotions strongly. I just can't always say what type of sad I feel (is it frustration or sorrow? Is there a meaningful difference?) so I tend to go from zero to self-loathing without the steps between. Rather than extra pressure to describe the emotion, using colours is a way to communicate how I"m feeling before it gets too bad.

using text - I'm very articulate on the internet where I don't have to keep up with the demands of in-person processing

realising I don't have to meet NT expectations - I suppose goes alongside the first two. It's that old thing about judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree. There's a good blog post on that here autisticmotherland.com/2018/01/31/looking-back-and-thinking-forward/

There are probably more. I'll have a think....

@TheBiskyBat Hello! I hope it will be of some help to be able to express on here some of the problems you are facing that so many others of us on this thread are going through in such similar ways! It’s already helping me enormously having resources listed here and support, suggestions and other peoples’ experiences to give hope. Big Hugs I’m going through it with you!!

to everyone on this thread.

I have felt for years that dh had Asperger traits as has ds who is 7.
The not being able to do 2 things at a time, not knowing how to communicate empathy (but having lots of empathy when something shifts and they 'get it') looking and acting 'zoned out' obsessed with reading. It's fair to say that our marriage is tricky.

I have noticed that anger is mentioned almost always alongside Apseregrs. DH doe not get angry, i mean never, he is not an angry person and even if provoked he has ultimate self control and will forgive instantly. Can anyone please tell me if this 'no anger' thing basically rules out Aspergers? Also ds has no anger in him. as opposed to me and dd

oh and 'one track thinking' not in an aggressive stubborn way, just inherently inflexible to change his view point.

DevonCreamTea I could have written this myself-
Hi all. Thank you for this thread, it is a great help to me at the moment. So much of the discussion here chimes with me and my situation. I have been with my partner for 11 years and he has always been 'unusual' in his attitude and behaviours to certain things and in certain situations, but as others have said, also shown compelling traits and attitudes like loyalty and passion about ideas or skills, that are really endearing and attractive in a person. We have 4 children and he is an interested father, although short tempered and not emotionally aware always. In terms of our relationship, it just really echoes the experiences noted here and I feel do much for you all, as I understand the worry and confusion and isolation you feel, particularly as the penny starts to drop and you realise that there may be something else going on. I am convinced that my dp has Aspergers, it has slowly crept up on me over the last few years.
I find telling myself that some of the things he does or doesn't do are down to an ASD and not because he is selfish/uncaring helps, but yes. It's exhausting.

@Iphobia.
Hi
Aspergers and Autism (I think they are now classified the same, aspergers being a subset of Autism) is not one defined set of traits so any person can have a whole variety either strongly or just a few mildly.
I get angry, a bit more so now as 'body parts' are gradually failing due to age, but the anger is more my frustration at not being able to achieve something. Trying to do fiddy jobs with partly arthritic fingers is one example. When the job is done I am back to calm.

Hi everyone! YouStacey Thanks for reading and commenting on my post, it is pretty hard to start posting on a discussion like this I found anyway, but I am so glad I did. I am going to drag children into sunshine now, but I will check in here later and see how everyone is doing. What a lifeline. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, I already feel more hopeful about my relationship

I checked out that Maxine Aston book and website - it was great. I will definitely buy the book/s and the website is a great resource too:
www.maxineaston.co.uk/

I’m convinced my STBEXH has Aspergers but he has no interest in getting tested. There were so many things that people wrote on this thread that I could completely empathize with - especially the lack of care when you are ill. I had crippling pain last year for about 6 weeks and he didn’t once offer to help me cook or do any of the normal childcare I do. He never thought to comfort me - I really think it just didn’t enter his head.
He struggles with conversation unless he has something specific he wants to say. He does something one way then has to do it that way forever more. Exactly like lots of previous posts.

But we are now separated because he cheated on me which someone up thread said was surprising for a person on the spectrum. I’m not that surprised - he is emotionally very stunted & is having a very childlike affair with a woman who is also very immature & I can honestly say they are welcome to each other. I tried very hard over 19 years to overlook his traits and to think that he couldn’t change the way he is but I’m glad not to have to bother anymore (only have contact about the kids) and will hopefully never be in a relationship like that again.

@ILikTheBred Have you tried explaining an anology with computers to your son, NT people are wired to run on Windows and ND people (neurodiverse, use his own diagnosis for this) are wired like a Mac.

They are both computers, they can both do all sorts of interesting things. They work differently, but it's not a case of one being right and one being wrong. Different does not mean wrong.

@Iphobia anger is not a trait or a diagnostic or typical behaviour for any type of autism.

My partner is undiagnosed but we are currently looking into assessments and such, he is also an engineer...

We have been together 3 years and I'm at the end of my tether with him if I'm honest. He speaks an entirely different language. The language of practical and abstract, and anything emotional gets ignored. He is repeatedly inconsiderate and non empathetic which has affected me in the same way domestic violence victims suffer. There is no intimacy. Sex life is relatively ok but intimacy is an entirely different thing. He says "he has no interest in human emotions" so take from that what you will. He is regularly dismissive of my feelings and goes into full on robot and/or shouty mode if there any life stressors to deal with. His idea of social norms are inappropriate too...

Look up Cassandra and affective deprivation disorder by Aston and that is exactly what I have after 3 years in a relationship together. I doubt I will see another 3 with him but I'm prepared to support him while he goes for assessments. If I knew what I knew now I would have chose not to go on a date with him, it's been the most confusing, excruciatingly frustrating years of my life. Sorry my post is negative but this is my experience and reality.

Bill Gates has Aspergers I believe, so do many 'high profile' personalities. Useless information!

Hi all, feeling negative about things today. It’s such a roller coaster ride atm and a constant one step forward, two steps back situation regarding progress. Some days DP appears so much more difficult than others. He’s managed to upset me more than once today - the classic episode being this morning when I was trying to talk to him on a one to one about something and he behaved in such a hurtful way. Often when I’m talking to him he’s easily distracted - tv noise, someone else talking, interesting bird in garden etc but today we were alone in a quiet room. As usual I spoke and he found his phone far more interesting and didn’t look up. I asked it it was important assuming it was an important message from work, family, etc and he said yes so I said ok I will wait while you read it and then continue. Anyway basically I stood there waiting like an idiot for several minutes and he still hadn’t looked up. I went over to see what the problem was and he was reading some banal news story. I was so upset I walked out of the room. He’s so incredibly bloody rude. He’s often like this. Discussing anything of a real life adult nature is clearly not interesting to him. It drives me to distraction. When he works from home he often cocoons himself in his study and it wouldn’t matter if house was burning down he’d stay there under pretence of work when often he’s surfing the web or looking for music or playing games on his tablet. It’s maddening. Sorry! Rant over maybe tomorrow will be a better day!!

BlankTimes - love your operating system analogy! Except I'd guess a lot of the non-NT engineers we are talking about would combust at the idea they were a Mac not a PC. Macs are for us touchy feely creative types, doncha know?

@Spacecadet43 sorry to hear that. This sounds so much like my DH. It's strange but finally after 8 years the penny is dropping for me, and I'm kind of coming to the realisation that maybe he isn't being a pain in the ass on purpose. The one that really rings true for me is lack of empathy when ill. He literally has to be told exactly what to do. He also wants and prefers his own space, and ideally his own bedroom too, minus when it's time for sex. It's tough but I'm hoping to order some books and try and get my head around it. The hardest thing is trying to decide on whether to have another child or not - I don't know whether I could cope with the pressure of not having him present at all and the sleep deprivation and physical strain.

Spacecradet, I think your partners shutdown is because he doesn't want to engage with you..maybe he isn't interested or he is overwhelmed/tired but in an NT relationship you would expect to hear a reason and that often removes the hurt.

Ignoring you on a regular basis when you want to talk is seen as abusive as it invalidates you as a person so it is understandable why you are hurt/angry.

I just don't know if a solution is possible as his responses are hardwired...much like an NT person.I would really struggle NOT to respond, in some way, to my partner if they wanted to talk.

Hi
Not making an excuse but there is a recognised 'shutdown' mechanism identifiable in some Aspies. When put 'on the spot' with a serious question (when feeling under emotional stress) my memory literally stops working so my face expression goes 'blank' (infuriating DW who accused me of smirking) and I have absolutely NO IDEA what the question was that I have just been asked. As the tension increases the memory shuts down even more, so being shouted at to answer the F555ng question makes it worse. Not sure if this is quite relevent to @Spacecadet though with her report earlier.

@Spacecadet43 I could have written your EXACT post. My partner is the same, it's like I can't have a normal adult conversation about important things because oh the cat has walked in, or there is a bird that's flew by. And the silly vids, and feeling like you are just not understood. Or worse still, "why can he not see?" yep it is horrible because you want them to FEEL what you are feeling and then adjust their actions accordingly. But that's empathy and well they struggle with that a lot. Aspergers is a communication disorder so when we relate to them neurotypically the frustration sets in. But their brains do not work like ours. My partner said it feels like work to think empathetically and as such it makes them feel exhausted. Your partners behaviour feels inconsiderate because on the surface it is, he doesn't mean it. But it doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with or accept. I have no suggestions for improving the situation as I am in myself and struggling. I've tried a lot of things in 3 years and I've come to accept that I can't accept this way of life. By the way I apologise for my negative post earlier I was having a real low moment.

Thanks all for your responses. It was just chit chat and me telling him my plans for the day but it doesn’t seem to matter when or what I have to say unless he can see he’s really upset me the response is often the same. Interestingly I seem to get a much better response when he’s texting me, such as when he’s gone into work at the office. It’s face to face it’s difficult. It was during his working day so perhaps something work related was on his mind but it still doesn’t explain the making me wait while he read a story on his phone! He’s not being deliberately cruel or abusive he just has no idea how these actions can be hurtful. Its like he’s watching our DD for a bit - he did this the other day whilst I slept for a bit as I wasn’t well - once he’s had enough or needs me back to take over he’s really abrupt - hurling the door open or letting my daughter jump on me slamming drawers muttering and complaining loudly under breath scowling etc. He knows fine well to just pop up and wake me as it’s nonproblem but there are ways and means of doing it. He’s so rude and surly in other situations too - such as waiting in a queue at the supermarket or in a bar. He can be so rude to the poor person serving us it makes me really embarrrassed its misdirected and so rude. He makes my kids cringe if they are there and I’m mortified. But he just doesn’t see it!! He’s a very quiet person so it’s more a surliness moodiness rudeness than a big shouty display but it’s still awful. When I talk to him about it in his more reasonable moments though I know he can see it - sometimes I use a look or code word and he’ll adjust his behaviour but I can see he can’t help it. I just want to throw my all into any counselling or therapy we can get and see where that takes us. He’s often said if I shout it feels like someone physically attacking him (obviously I’m not) which I guess is part of the Aspergers? Thanks Out again for that yeah he’s said something similar to that about how he feels when put on the spot. I’m understanding more that he often needs time and space to process but at times (if something is urgent) there isn’t time for that.

@Spacecadet
I can't normally come up with an answer to the question 'how do you feel'? Almost all the time it is just 'OK' but I can't express it in words.
I see elements from your last post but I would not normally be so extreme.
The texting being a better response than direct MIGHT be a bit of a way in as it allows him time to come up with a considered response and he would need to concentrate on actually replying.

Hi spacecadet. Sorry it was a hard day today. I wonder if things are feeling extra tough because you are both adjusting to the diagnosis? I definitely recognise the shutting off and distracting response in my dp, usually when he feels under pressure for some reason - perhaps in your dps case the diagnosis stuff is whirring around and he feels defensive about one to one chats? I use texting a lot with my dp. I find that I also am able to much clearer via text and I often get the response I want or need that way, but it does lack the sense of 'in it together' that you get from just chatting about plans in a spontaneous way. It is very frustrating for you. Have you looked at Maxine EAstons stuff yet? I looked on Amazon today and read some sections of her books through the 'look inside' function (!!). I found it strangely comforting to read the stories and explanations. I think counselling is a great idea - and maybe for you as an individual too? I don't know how it all works, but I know I would find it good to have a person not connected to anyone else that I could talk and vent to.... In addition to the couples stuff I mean. Thinking of you 🍷

@spacecadet
I was probably you and experiencing this a few years back now I don’t even attempt to engage in conversation because it feels like that all the time......
I get chit chat at work. I try more with ds and press him on expanding on the ‘ok- alright ‘
We’ve had about one serious conversation in years and that ended in the verbal outburst and meltdown so it’s not worth it IMO
Sorry you are having a bad day