NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

[Belonger]

oldbrook you're on fire! Congrats on the new job and brilliant about the weekend away, and so interesting how you feel relieved every time you let go of a potential connection with him. It all sounds very liberating, even though there's sadness mixed in.

[Belonger]

Well done getting through day 1 ravens. It truly does get easier, and you will get stronger through doing this. Have you had any counselling to help you deal with the impact of the divorce? Sounds like you could do with some support with it all. I've found counselling really helpful in working through stuff about relationships. Good luck today, you can do it

[user1493423934]

Hi all!
Gosh I have been away from MN a bit and had barely had time to look at the old thread and here is a new one ! Great seeing familiar posters here and a few new people too. OK will post again with my update (its a long winded one sigh) and try and catch up with others soon (tea time and DC all going feral!)

[Belonger]

Well done rhubarb, take it a day at a time. He sounds pretty selfish, ignoring something really important that you say and just talking about his own drama. Almost like he only sees you as there for him, not having needs and feelings of your own. And if you have a tendency to want to look after people that can really draw you in! You've definitely done the right thing. Are there any gaps in your life that you can work on so that you don't feel so drawn to his drama? Are you stimulated enough, are you lonely? I'm looking at those sorts of things myself, looking at ways to make my life more fulfilling or stimulating so that I don't feel a need to fill it with distractions and longing!

[gettingthereshopefully]

Belonger and OldBrook I agree it's important to fill our lives with meaningful things to avoid the longing, etc. It is tricky though to juggle between all the things we have to handle and to have energy and time left for the things we'd love to do.

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

Day 16

[Teensandfuture]

Oldbrook
Congrats on taking correct decision re job, I'm so happy for you , your progression and future.

Also well done for deciding not to go for the meet up.

For me personally changing point in my feelings and letting go is to realise that they don't love me.

I had that with my exp..i was making excuses for his behaviour, was thinking of him constantly but once I realised he doesn't LOVE me it was easy just to shake whole thing off, accept he doesn't LOVE me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not there yet with my NC

But I think I'm getting there with my 1 year NC guy..I see his son nearly every day now near my work, I smile I say how are you and go about my own way. I know now 1 YEAR NC GUY didn't love me, not that he doesn't want relationship. If he did he wouldn't have hurt me the way he did by breaking it off suddenly and not contacting me for a year.

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

teens

For me personally changing point in my feelings and letting go is to realise that they don't love me.

That is a very good point you make there ! It is far too easy to go on thinking about unrequited love and "if only this or that was different " !

[Ravenscloak]

Thanks, I had counselling after my divorce and it helped. I’m not going back as I need to deal with this myself. Do they miss you? Or does it just get easier for them too? I know no one can answer that.
I haven’t read through all the threads to know everyone’s story but it’s nice to be here.

[Ravenscloak]

I don’t have my kids this weekend either so lots of time to fill and try not to think about him

[ThePartingLass]

Marking place on new thread.

Struggling atm. Do any of you listen to the archers? When Nic died last night suddenly and unexpectedly I cried but it was because I felt almost jealous. I'm not suicidal, there's no way i would do that to my kids but just feel life is o hard and empty at the moment.

Please don't worry about me, it was just a fleeting thought ... I think I need to carry on doing what I'm doing, I have a lot that's good in my life and spring is coming. I just miss him so much.

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

ravenscloak moving posted this in last thread .It's a great read

postmalesyndrome.com/does-he-miss-me-does-he-regret-what-he-did/

and I just LOVE this bit :

Here are just SOME of the reasons that he will, at some point “miss you:”

He misses the you that listened to all of his problems, made everything about him, helped him and supported him in every way no matter how poorly he treated you or how non-mutual the relationsh*t was.
He misses the you that was his biggest fan.
He misses the easy, minimal effort ability to attain your forgiveness.
He misses the you that believed he was God’s gift to mankind.
He misses the you that faked orgasms.
He misses the you that no matter how poorly he treated you or how many mind games he played or how often he went MIA, he could call up half drunk in the middle of the night and get laid.
He misses the you that always tried to understand him, please him and excuse his poor behavior and lack of respect for you and your relationship.
He misses the you that blamed yourself for his hurtful behavior.

sorry for reposting this peeps

[Ravenscloak]

Sorry to hear that PartingLass but I know what you mean. We have no choice but to continue.

[Ravenscloak]

Thank you for reposting that

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

partinglass I get that - me too - life seems very bleak and hopeless right now and I live on my own ( kids off my hands now ) . I have a whole weekend ahead of me with nothing planned.

I was supposed to have an OLD - the pratt has arranged this but has not come back to me on it . I don't know why they do this !!I need to get out while the weather is good - staying at home encourages bad times.

[gettingthereshopefully]

A good read re: our gut reaction:

medium.com/the-mission/gut-feeling-4-reasons-not-to-listen-to-it-2678ad772a4d

It's going to be hard to back away from the biologist although I am doing my best. Belonger, you're absolutely right that he's an adult and capable of sorting himself out but his messages are so earnest and kind and one thing he most certainly is not is a player. He's in unchartered territory. He's pleading for friendship (instead of losing me) and I'm sure he's sincere in his intentions but the words and context of his messages are more intense than any friendship.

I'm switching my phone off for a good part of the weekend. My way of coping and regaining control.

[gettingthereshopefully]

Bloodyuseless OLD can be soul destroying as it brings out the very worst in human nature sometimes. I'm so sorry you're feeling bleak at the moment. I felt the same for weeks after my dad died and my NC wasn't around. Hard not to feel dreadfully alone in those times. But better things will come for you, I'm sure of that.

[Rhubarbginn]

Morning all. The weekend. Not always the easy time.
belonger thankyou so much for your words. I really value your input, particularly because you have been through similar circs in the past. Yes my nc is selfish. I need to remember that. It is one of the reasons I decided to go nc. No matter how many times and ways I told him I had needs, he just didn’t seem able to respond to that. With anyone I don’t understand how you can take from someone and value it? But not give that. I found it particularly difficult because he can be so giving to others.
old brook you are doing so well. Don’t lose sight of that he brought you lots of pain. He is obviously missing you. I often wonder how men cope with nc. Women are able to reach out to others, we have this thread for support. What do they do?
bloody that link helped me before. It does bring comfort that what we did had an effect on them.

[Rhubarbginn]

I love the first point bloody. So true.