NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

He's very weak Oldbrook and I suspect lacking in self confidence the way he is trying to marry himself off to any young one that comes his way. I actually think you are way too emotionally mature for him. He strikes me of a child that always wants a new toy. So the fact that you have been married and have kids probably really bothers him because he wants that first experience himself. He sounds really immature.

[seshi]

@Bloody I think you are right... Being snowed in... On your own or with children does give you time to dwell... It's too icy to run and I can't get to the gym... I am going to try and get a long walk today... I know it's contributing to my low mood

[Olikingcharles]

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5
The relationship was not physical. We did meet up a few times and while the desire was there to take things further i just couldn't go there. NC has said in the last phone contact in mid January he was sorry about my ex partner leaving. Actually his words were sorry about that. He offered me some support after the break up ( with my ex partner) in June last year but i can see now he was full of crap and was only being kind and holding me up for his own benefit. He NC has ran pretty hot and cold through all of this complete madness.

[Belonger]

I've just had a long walk into work and feel much better for it. Was also remembering one time walking the same route when I was in the thick of my addiction to the guy and kept stopping to check my phone for messages. I hated myself for being so needy then, but couldn't imagine being any different. And now look! Wasn't interested in my phone at all, enjoyed the walk, lots to think about. NC is totally the way for me!

[Basseting]

Olikingcharles
sounds like you've paid a high price, so sorry.x

OldBrook lob that sunshine this way, pls!

MF sent 'u ok' msg. I reply: 'snowed in, roads shut, army out. scarey'

he was then on msgr for 40 mins with my reply unopened. then 30m later I get: '3in here'

hmm. dont think i want to play games in exchange for texts about the weather while he 'honours both relationships'.

Thank goodness DOM not on SM (or at least I dont hover round thai bride sites or japanese porn sites so am not likely to bump into him)

[Belonger]

Also basseting, who wants to waste time on a man who thinks 3 inches is a lot??

[starlightafar]

I am 2 weeks NC with an old counsellor I had who I also thought was a friend, by his suggestion. I initially paid for the counselling then became unemployed. He suggested I do some work in exchange for free sessions. This was to edit a book he was writing, a 'reader', so having 10 chapters. There was a deadline so it was pressured, and so I would help meet that and then therapy would continue afterwards.
For one session I would edit 1 chapter.
Except that one chapter took 6 hours, and his session was 50 minutes. In terms of academic skill, I am much stronger, I feel my skills were used to make him appear better.
By the end I had not only done 10 chapters (two drafts of each), but the appendices, reference list (which alone took 3 days) and blurbs etc.
The deadline was 1st October. We had a brief chat by phone and I mentioned meeting. He said it'd have to be after Christmas.
I was gutted. We met through work and I suppose I had always been attracted, which he knew, and once offered to sleep with me but later said it had been a joke. I also abstained due to professional reputation but have hung on like a desperate limpet hoping he would like me.
We used to text a lot but after he said after Cmas, I pulled back a lot. I knew I'd been used. Worst bit was I'd been very unwell which he knew (mentally-he's a mental health professional). So I think he really abused my trust and overstepped boundaries.
I have texted a bit more after xmas but he has met another woman at work, and has told me how much he is attracted to her (this is how we started except theirs is a sexual relationship). Now he doesn't answer texts at all, or if so, waits a week and gives an 'ok' reply.
The last time was 2 weeks ago and I felt so humiliated at the luke warm response that I thought never again. I'm finding it easier with time, but am very upset that all that work has been for nothing. He now basks in the glory of being a published author and dismisses my input. He has also discredited me to colleagues, to mean that I can never accuse him of using me.
So there I am. I won't ever text again, but I need to check in so that the impulsive side of me doesn't text.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Oldbrook I'm glad you are okay with what I said. Sometime I think I can be too honest but I do appreciate honesty back.

Thanks for asking about stbxh. It's not great fun being stuck in a house with him but we are muddling through as best we can. He is starting to accept it but is very angry with me.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Oliking you hold your head up high that it never got physical. And you've seen him for what he is now. So you can start to move on and leave him to his poor wife.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Oh ha ha Belonger that nearly made me choke on my tea. Glad you're walk was good.

Basseting at least MF cares

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Star that is absolutely shocking. I think I'd report him if I were you

[starlightafar]

NK I can't. He knows my doctors, everybody thinks he's wonderful. I have told him some really embarrassing stuff that I have no doubt he will share or already has in order to protect himself in case I report. Worst bit is, and which serves me right, is that there was a woman I knew in the same position, but worse as she was being mentored by him, but was also very mentally ill (schizophrenia) and he enjoyed her admiration and attraction. She ended up being sectioned and he argued her thoughts of him were delusional, and that he had sought support with a colleague because they weren't true (that he'd been to her house, that they were best friends, that she was more special than anyone else). She wanted to report and was devastated, but didn't. I thought that I was different and that it would be different with me. I wasn't. It's a pattern. He has had boundary crossings with a patient as well.
I wonder if many people know what he's like but nobody says so. I know of two people who tolerate him but don't respect him professionally. It must have been a pattern, he's worked in mental health for 20 years.
I've wasted years here. The limerance thread hit home a lot.

[starlightafar]

And I have declined in my own career as I have been very ill and reliant on him to help. And inadvertently I am more unwell and have made him look better.
He's paid people before to do the dog work of his research papers.
User.

[Basseting]

starlightafar

That is a clear ABUSE of his postion (in almost every way).

It is typical of this kind of perpetrator that he will groom a victim and question their mental health to others.

I know of a very senior Psychiatrist in the UK is who is this pattern.

I am so sorry you were unlucky enough to become entangled. x

[Basseting]

Belonger

'man who thinks 3" is a lot"

Mwah ha ha!

[starlightafar]

I know Basset.
I learned too late.
My gut screamed to stay away but he made me feel so special.
I do have all the drafts saved to my computer. But that wouldn't do anything. I have not seen my time as worth anything because we were working on me feeling worthless. I had moved on then three weeks ago he sent me an appendix to check. Stupidly I did, then he was back to non-interested responses. So I know I won't ever text again. Or reply to emails.
I think the way is just to withdraw. I am not in his thoughts he is too enthralled with the next one.
I don't know whether to discuss it with my doctor, or whether it would make it look worse for me.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

You hear about patients becoming attracted to their counsellors a lot and it’s always made out like the counsellor keeps a professional distance but the patient/client has delusions about their relationship.

Given how narcs like to think they’re superior to everyone else and like to manipulate people, I imagine the number of them in counselling/psychotherapy roles is quite high (my ex said he wanted to train as one, now that he was so sorted and enlightened about himself ) so my point is I guess, I wonder how many of these poor deluded souls who think something more is going on, are actually being gaslighted by a narcissistic professional trying to protect their reputation?

[Olikingcharles]

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5
I'm trying to see that i'm the better person than him but i still can't get past the mess i made of it all. I feel so stupid to have been taken in by it all. I really thought he loved me he said as much. I believe all the crap about us being together etc. How could i have been such an idiot?
Basseting
Yes i have paid a high price but i hold my hand up and take responsibility for my choices they're mine and i have to live with them now.
It's not easy to move on but i'm doing it one day at a time. The thing i'm struggling with is why NC chose to contact me in the first place? What the hell was it all about?

[starlightafar]

I think that many people feel a lot for their counsellors, but most counsellors would maintain boundaries enough that they could be managed. We had full intimate hugs at the end of each session. Talked about his own difficulties to make me feel more comfortable.
No gaslighting until I realised what was actually happening and then led to believe that the boundary crossing on his part had never happened at all.
Nothing ever happens to their reputations. I bought him lovely presents and cards.

[Belonger]

star I'm appalled by how this man has abused and taken advantage of you. Regardless of any of the relationship intimacy stuff which is outrageous, even suggesting that you work for him in exchange for therapy is gross misconduct. First, it's also something that he would have difficulty passing off as a deluded client, because you actually have evidence of him sending you work. I know it might be the last thing you want to do right now, but I believe you have a good case for a complaint to his registering body, and don't even need to mention anything about inappropriate romantic behaviour.

I'm so very sorry you've been through this. I could spit I'm so angry about his behaviour.

[Basseting]

Well any decent Trained Counsellor will be familiar with Transference and should have covered it in training and be able to discuss with their supervisor who will be well experienced in its manifestations.
Clients may often 'transfer' issues /feelings in the relationship they are discussing to the one between the counsellor and client.
It can be very helpful as it can bring issues to the fore.
It is CRUCIAL that the Counsellor has enough integrity to maintain professional boundaries and to 'hold' them whilst the client works through what they need to.

I agree that a significant minority of 'professionals' are not.
I took a Masters Diploma in Counselling and (one of the)s Course Leader chortled about how he had taken the entire wages of a student in exchange for 'support'. I was disgusted.

I agree with Belonger that you may have more evidence than you think of the 'counselling/book work' trade off. It IS gross misconduct.
'talked about his own difficulties to make me feel more comfortable' is another no-no. Yes you can sketchily reference having some 'personal experience in your famly' of issue X/y but that is it, max.
I would refuse hugs from clients. I would refuse gifts (except cards).
I would be especially careful if I was aware a client was struggling with transference issues.

[Basseting]

but sorry, didnt mean to get all pompous/lecturing - I am outraged too.

I hope you find lots of support here on this thread - we are a good bunch, varied but kind. You certainly will find it a 'safer' place than this awful 'professional' you were so unlucky to encounter ((()))

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Star I am also disgusted and angry on your behalf