NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

[gettingthereshopefully]

He's not so much being vague NK. He's attracted to me and has feelings, I've put the brakes on our 'connection' which was becoming an EA, he's struggling to change things into a friendship out of respect, and fear of losing whatever it is we have.

He's married. Without asking him clearly I'm 100% certain he will NEVER leave his wife. He's not a risk taker and the equilibrium of his family is essential to him. Rightly so.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

I think you need to give him the opportunity to tell you all these things though Getting. As we always say on here, we never know what the other person is thinking. For all you know he doesn't love his wife and she doesn't love him. Then at least if he tells you what you think you can both move on.

[gettingthereshopefully]

You're right of course NK. It just takes so much courage to get things out in the daylight so to speak.

He sent me a message yesterday morning saying how he put me above everyone else. I asked him how that was possible? I could never be more important in his esteem than his family. He replied (I'm CERTAIN it's true but he is guilty at times of writing what he thinks I want to hear) that of course his family ties were eternal but that he cared for me more than anybody else he'd ever met in his life.

[gettingthereshopefully]

I have often been guilty of wishful thinking in the past (and present) but I've also become a cynic.

[Teensandfuture]

Getting
I don't think you should give him an opportunity to tell you how he feels, because it will not change the fact he's married and he's not available for you.
Please learn from our mistakes..
I too, thought at some point that my NC loves me ,cares for me and he will put me above his family, leave his wife and we will be together .
It happens right? You hear of all those stories when people leave their spouses and come to affair partner, so I ended up hoping for that happy ending ..
Maybe he did thought of all those things but reality is he's nowhere to be seen and I'm alone, been going through horrible times that he singlehandedly emposed on me.

If I was me 6 months ago or so I'd tell my NC :contact me when you are separated and maybe we can start something beautiful .

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Teens has a very valid point about him coming back to you when he is single. However to avoid any ambiguity I think a face to face meeting would benefit you two

[seshi]

Just been stalking and staring at his What's app... I am cracking...!!!! I really really miss him today... This is the worst

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

Getting going to be harsh here - think less about him "suffering " ! TBH I think these guys just compartmentalise and move on with their wives and lives etc when in that situation .

"Inability to express himself in real life " ? Yes because they are cheats - my NC was once whinging about having no one to talk to about "us" . Well yes there was a reason for that !

As for your message yesterday - I also had similar - but when push came to shove he did not have the guts to follow through on that .

Listen to teens and myself - our stories are scarily similar . Sorry I know how tough it is.

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

seshi ....can you get out ? Go for a walk or something ? It's just the length of time , that's all ...we are realising that this is for good now !

I am still angry and think I might slap him across the face if I were to run into him right now . ( I know that's not good ) The good thing is that I am so fit currently as throwing myself into exercise .

[seshi]

@Bloody I know it's because I am hungover... I should have done park run this morning but I felt too ill so I am cross with myself.. It's probably the boozy blues but my fingers are twitching insanely.... I hate the fact that he won't even be thinking of me.... I will try and get a walk later... Just so hungover!!! Stupid fool that I am

[seshi]

@Bloody I think anger is good... It means that you are moving forward xx

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Seshi I'm always way worse when I'm hungover too. Remember you are feeling like this because you are hungover. The feelings are more intense

[seshi]

@nk thank you... I know... I could kick myself for drinking so much... It really does not help....

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

I wish I had a hangover

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Good idea to think that way Oldbrook

[seshi]

@Bloody please have mine 😁

[gettingthereshopefully]

Bloodyuseless and Teens I have never for one second thought he'd leave his wife for me. Never. What I had hoped for was a friendship but as we all know that's a rocky path to embark on. I would love it if, say, he and his wife had invited me (I was his teacher for over a year every Saturday morning) for lunch one Sunday; it would have normalised the situation for everybody.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

I think it's gone way past being invited over for tea Getting. I think you've kept your integrity throughout though

[gettingthereshopefully]

And, this may sound cold, but I don't give a shit about his suffering. And yet I continue to pussyfoot around him with consideration and kindness because that's how I often am.

So, do I send him a message telling him I need to back away completely or just sit on my hands and let him continue sending me messages?

[gettingthereshopefully]

NK! It most certainly has now but a few months ago it would have been possible. The fact he always wanted to have a drink with me and me alone implies he wanted to keep me as his little secret. Even before anything had started happening.

Too bloody true about the compartmentalising!

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

They are so good at compartmentalising. It is a male skill for sure. Not sure re: messaging Getting. What do you want the outcome to be?

[gettingthereshopefully]

I want clarity NK. To have guidelines to follow. To feel in control of my own well being.

[seshi]

Quite apt...

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

getting you have to set your own guidelines because he will continue to try to set ones that suit him !