NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

[gettingthereshopefully]

Bloodyuseless I want to send him a message to tell him that this situation makes me angry (politely and without attributing blame). I'm so damned sweet and accommodating usually and I feel the need to be real. It'll worry him but it will be so liberating to express myself truthfully.

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

Yes I understand getting . I think that you may well find that he will start to back off if you do that (if my own recent experience is anything to go by) . It is something like that that makes them realise " Shit ! WTF is happening here ? " and they start to withdraw - he could well be different of course ! Men like this ( you being his secret ) want to be in charge/in control of the situation and of you and they don't like it when they are not . In fact they start to backtrack and may well blame you as well . Again he could be different ! This could indeed be a true test . "Liberating" - yes - again I know what you mean . I was also the accommodating and sweet person for so long and when I was just a tiny bit 'straightforward talking ' it lead to the end of our relationshit. ( and yes that's not a typo )

[seshi]

@getting if you sent the message expressing how angry you are would you be OK with it if he completely withdrew?

You know what tho why should we pussy foot round these idiots... Mine went when I challenged him about his behaviour... Couldn't stand any confrontation so quite literally upped and left

[seshi]

Sorry for not responding to everyone today... I am still feeling so dreadful lol but I am sending you all strength xxxx

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

seshi yeah there you go - ditto !
Mine went when I challenged him about his behaviour...

Hope you feel better soon x

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

I definitely think you should challenge him Getting and if he withdraws he wasn't genuine anyway

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

You okay Seshi?

[seshi]

@nk thank you just hungover tired and emotional.... If I am going to crack it will be today xx but I keep reading this thread and going to force myself to go for a walk... I really can't express how much this thread is a support to me... I actually feel tearful when I think how lovely total strangers are being xxxx sorry sounds pathetic... I told you I was emotional 😁

[gettingthereshopefully]

Seshi and Bloodyuseless there's one of several things that my original NC man taught me was to express myself freely. It was totally liberating for someone who's often afraid of rocking the boat. We could get angry with one another but it didn't change anything to his feelings for me and he kept coming back...as indeed he does now still despite telling him a few home truths.

I agree one runs the risk of scaring them off (and I still have to think of the impending 80 hours of one to one classes starting up with him mid March) but I totally agree with NK that if he withdraws because I tell him respectfully how I really feel about the situation then he really would be a total wanker.

I also want to say that he may be a coward and adept at compartmentalising BUT we haven't even kissed each other. I may have saved him from himself by putting a stop to things but he is not a bad person. I really believe that. But being a good person doesn't always mean being courageous.

[gettingthereshopefully]

If you're feeling emotional seshi it's great to get it out in such a safe place as this thread.

[gettingthereshopefully]

My last message to the biologist I wrote "have a great weekend and good luck with the journey back home" (from the South of France) which was a trifle dismissive in the light of the fact yesterday he urged me to contact him soon. I've bought myself some time. I won't contact him (most certainly not) and I will take it from when he contacts me to decide how to respond.

[Friendswhohurtyou]

You are all helping so much. I wanted some answers, the conversation hasn’t happened despite being promised. I messaged him and it’s still been ignored despite him going online , he was the one wanting us to move forwards and be friends. Should I message him again or just go nc ? I’m scared if I don’t keep trying he won’t ever get in touch again. I’m struggling to get him out of my head, it’s like ocd and I cant switch the jealousy off thinking of him and the person he walked away for.

[seshi]

@getting 'being a good person does not always mean being courageous' so true!

@friends if you message him again today and he doesn't come back then you will feel even worse. Try hard not to message him for today... Step by step... Going NC is probably the best way but its very daunting and scary in the start... So for now just get through today... Post on here, go out, do something nice for yourself...

I looked at the last message I sent my NC I wasn't so bereft I sent 11 unanswered messages... I must have looked so desperate xxx don't be like me xxx

[anxiousnow]

Found you! Will try and find thread 6. Hope you are all ok.
seshi you can do it. Don't make it 12 unanswered messages... but bear in my they are a reflection on him not you.

[Friendswhohurtyou]

Thank you Seshi. I’m worried I’ll look as if I don’t have feelings for him if I don’t message again, he went online 48 hours ago when I messaged him yet didn’t open or reply. Would I look desperate if I messaged again? I know from past experience when he’s gone awol, the longer he leaves it, the less likely he is to reach out. I keep preventing myself from trying to contact him by telling myself he’s probably with her and I’ll look pathetic.

[Rhubarbginn]

Mixed bag of feelings today for everyone. This is def not a straight road. oldbrook how are you doing? I’m a bit like you, in that I would like him to contact, just to chase me, but that’s not what’s it about. It really is tough. Feel a bit flat and low. And a bit used. It’s a lesson to not give more than I’m willing to lose. Def need a new focus, but what
getting run for the hills. Any contact will just fuel this. Drama fuels it. You won’t like me saying this but if you think teaching him for 80 hours one on one won’t lead to upset for someone, you’re deluded. I spent many hours working with my nc in a similar situation and it went very wrong.

[seshi]

@anxious you are back!! How are you?

@friends he will know that you care... Lean back and wait for him to come to you.. God how I wished I had done that. How often does he go awol? Mine used to for days and it was torture... His was drinking related...

[Rhubarbginn]

friends don’t message him. You will look desperate. Sorry I’m being blunt today.

[Rhubarbginn]

Although on the plus side. My sm stalking has reduced.

[gettingthereshopefully]

Rhubarb the only way it's going to be ok is if I switch off my feelings. Contrary to popular consensus I strongly believe that falling in love and falling out of love (and any in-between feelings) is a choice. Whilst I'm incapable of totally disconnecting my heart (body, and mind) if someone is not good for me (and his situation isn't in any shape or form beneficial to me) I can emotionally distance myself.

Him? Not so sure. But again, as has been mentioned a few times, the important thing is that I take care of myself. I'm off to England in a few days for a week. It'll do me good to distance myself geographically from him, from home.

[gettingthereshopefully]

His upset, Rhubarb is not my problem. If I behave in a polite and considerate way without budging an inch then he can't reproach me a thing.

[Rhubarbginn]

getting the boundaries become blurred very quickly. You went from meeting for coffee to holding hands the other day. I told myself exactly the same thing. And we have never kissed either. But it has been awful.
I think I’m just having a bad day.

[gettingthereshopefully]

Rhubarb, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.

It took us 16 months to get to the hand holding and I stopped things five days later. I think like you, like all of us, I've been through enough shit and challenges in life to brace myself and get on with it. I can escape (to this thread, fortunately). He's stuck in his marriage, for better or for worse. There are good sides to both our situations but I'd rather be in mine.

I've just recalled a message he sent me the night before I put a stop to things. He wrote 'you're becoming more and more adorable to me. Please keep away from all the men who must surely be attracted to you too.'



I so wanted to write back 'and are you going to keep away from your wife????' but of course that would have served no purpose. Wasted irony.

[Rhubarbginn]

I think you have strength getting. Much more than me. I deserve exactly how I feel at the moment.
I do think your biologist will be unable to pull back though.

[gettingthereshopefully]

Why do you deserve to feel how you do Rhubarb?