Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend turned on me - really hurt me and I don't know why.

239 replies

shouldaknownbetter · 23/02/2018 08:59

I have a friend, lives in another city. I was travelling nearby last week so arranged to go and stay with her for a couple of days.

We went out the first night and had some drinks, sat up chatting until quite late. Everything was going ok, she started telling me how she had not got any confidence as she'd not worked for a few years (due to a physical disability). I was trying to be supportive, giving her advice like maybe try some voluntary work, look at the things she'd done with her hobbies (she does puppetry), just trying to help. Everything was met with a no, the conversation was getting circular to everything I said she just replied she did not have the confidence. Then she started saying she didn't want to talk about it. So I changed the subject but she kept coming back to it. And then things got nasty, every time I opened my mouth she shouted at me to shut up. Said that I was going on about it - even though I had no stake in going on about it -it was not my issue - she was the one who kept bringing it up.

By now she was really shouting at me and this woke up her husband and school age daughter, her husband then started shouting at me that I'd woken him up, and told me to go to bed. I never even raised my voice! She started crying on his shoulder like I'm the bad guy.

So I went to bed all the time thinking 'I need to get out of here' but at 2 in the morning your options are limited.

Come the morning I thought I don't want to stay here and it's not fair on her daughter who by now was giving me a really bad vibe that she wanted me out. So I told her husband I'd go to a hotel that night, but we could still hang out if she wanted to see me and talk, just I didn't want to sleep there.

He tried to downplay it a bit, but I'd made my mind up. Anyway I told my friend, who was still in bed, that this is what I was planning and then all hell broke loose. She came out of the room and shouted at me- first to stop making a fuss over nothing, then when it became clear I wasn't going to back down, shouted at me repeatedly to fuck off and that I was selfish and to get the fuck out.

So I packed up my stuff and then she physically shoved me out the door all the time shouting fuck off fuck off at me. I've never seen rage like it.

I really don't understand what happened here. I sent her a message saying no one talks to me like that and we are not friends any more, she followed up with abusive replies and said I'd driven her to it. I said she'd passed the point of no return now.

We've been friends around 3 years and something like this (but not as bad) happened a couple of years ago, and I gave her a second chance then.

I guess I am still reeling a bit and feeling a bit shell shocked that she could turn on me like this. It's like -she could say whatever she liked but when I said anything she told me to shut up/fuck off and then blamed me for everything and made herself out to be the victim. And that's emotionally abusive isn't it.

But I can't help wondering why she's done this to me... I know I need to move on but it's left me feeling really strange.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 23/02/2018 09:02

Oh my god, you are well shot of her. Noone deserves what she has done to you.

wizzywig · 23/02/2018 09:03

Yes she is abusive. Hope you enjoy the rest of your break in your hotel.

Happened · 23/02/2018 09:09

She clearly has some very big issues. Block her and move on.

CherryMaDeary · 23/02/2018 09:14

It sounds like you did nothing wrong. Just be grateful you never have to see or talk to her again. And pity her h and child.

DunnoWhy · 23/02/2018 09:15

The fact that you mentioned she did something similar few years ago which you forgave her for, speaks volumes.
It looks as if you didn't know the real her and her issues. The similar incident which happened few years ago, was the clue to her personality but you didn't recognise it, which is not your fault. You operate with common sense, and such extreme neediness or moodiness or whatever you call it, is not in your radar. You function normally but it looks like she does not operate normally. You are not on the same wavelength.

So now you know the real her, and the fact that the real her does not match with your personality, you can comfortably let her go and chalk it up to experience.

She and her relationships appear to be very dysfunctional. Well rid.

ChickenMom · 23/02/2018 09:16

She’s done it because she has mental health issues. This isn’t your problem. Block her out of your life and leave her to it. Friends can have disagreements but that behaviour is excessive and not acceptable. Pushing you is is excessive force and is not on

sallyandherarmy · 23/02/2018 09:18

How about ASKING her what it is that you have done for her to react that way to you?

I suspect more of a back story than you are sharing.

I once did similar to a so called friend - we'd been friends for over 3 decades though.

The friend was always condescending and acted superior. We lived 300 hundred miles apart though, so I ignored it. Then she came to stay......the stay ended up in a similar situation close to what you described.

Our friendship was great as a long distance one (we used to be NDN a long time ago), but face to face we obviously didn't like each other.

So, ask your 'friend' and be prepared for the answer.....

sallyandherarmy · 23/02/2018 09:21

Chicken

Mental health issues?

Why?

It is perfectly fine to fall out with someone!

Why the fuck does everything have to come down to MH issues?

I have NOT got MH 'issues' and never have had them.

How about just accepting that shit happens?

sadie9 · 23/02/2018 09:36

People can change. And they can change a lot. People can have underlying issues that only really worsen as they take on adult responsibilities and the stress that comes with that.
It sounds like your friend is hypersensitive to criticism and approval and is currently very raw. So if you offer 'advice' or suggestions in any way shape or form, then that says 'I don't accept the way you are now. You need to change. I don't approve of who you are'. It feels to that person that you don't understand them or hear them and that you are nagging them and taking the superior position.
They will immediately go into the victim mode and feel persecuted by you. You happened to be in the firing line on this occasion and got it with both barrels. She is upset and angry at the world but is projecting that onto you as 'causing' it. Because you inadvertently (through what most people would consider a normal conversation) confirmed her suspicion that the world is out to get her and is constantly judges her. Nothing you can do with this sort of person but stand clear and just step away.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 23/02/2018 09:41

ok.. that's good for thought. But I was trying to bolster her confidence by pointing out to her really good things she'd done in the past, things I wouldn't have been able to do myself.

I guess I was genuinely trying to help her, if I went to a friend with a problem Id want gentle advice/ suggestions. I guess she didn't want that but what else was I supposed to say?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 23/02/2018 09:49

You’re unlikely to ever get a reason for it, you’d be better off not trying to figure it out as you never will. You’ve only known her a short time so you don’t know her backstory to any real extent. There’s clearly more to it than your op, not necessarily stuff you know about but there has to be more to it than that. That’s not a standard reaction to what you’ve described.

You’ve told her that she is no longer your friend and if I were I’d just block her now and move on. Put it behind you and just be relieved you won’t have to go through it again

TalkinBoutWhat · 23/02/2018 09:50

She may not have actually wanted help, she may have just wanted to have a moan about how shit she's feeling, to get it off her chest. Instead you kept giving her 'helpful' comments and telling her 'no, it's not that bad'.

But she FELT that bad and probably just wanted sympathy and acceptance. You gave her neither.

Angelf1sh · 23/02/2018 09:55

And sometimes friends just want to vent, they don’t want to be given solutions or ideas, they just want to unload. If unloading is all you want, being given solutions and advice is actually immensely frustrating. Disabled people get a lot of unsolicited advice from abled people who really have no idea what they’re going through and I can see why sometimes their response might be less than polite as a result. Yes, her reaction seems a little extreme, but maybe it was the last straw? Her behaviour was unacceptable though based on your description, she should apologise, but don’t wait around for it or else you’ll just get more upset when she doesn’t.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 23/02/2018 09:57

Well I'm not a trained counseller Talkin.. and she kept bringing it back up even after I'd tried to change the subject.

She could have said 'let's leave it for now' and gone to bed rather than start shouting at me.

If a friend comes to me with an issue I'll naturally try to help them that's what friends do. If they just want to moan but I'm not allowed to say anything, then that's not really going to work for me, unless they tell me up front that they are just wanting a moan. Very hard not to try and help a friend to feel better when they have a problem they are talking to you about I guess that's why counsellers and therapists have many years of training.

OP posts:
bluecashmere · 23/02/2018 09:57

I agree with PP. She shouldn't have acted that way, so I'm not condoning it, but I think she wanted a moan and someone who would sympathise and hear her woes. Sometimes when I feel like that and people make 'helpful' suggestions it annoys rather than helps me, though I try to manage my emotions around it. Sometimes it's good to be listened to and advice can feel a bit like you're not listening, however well intentioned it is.

Banalarama · 23/02/2018 10:00

Her reaction sounds very extreme. Generally though I have found in life that people don’t actually want advice, they just want to be listened to.

Perendinate · 23/02/2018 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandAndSea · 23/02/2018 10:04

The only thing I can think (which doesn't excuse her behaviour) is that maybe all your suggestions were too much for her. Maybe she was getting in touch with some powerful feeligs and just wanted you to listen?

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 23/02/2018 10:05

Yes, but why should I accept what she's telling me. She was saying I can't get back into work as I have no confidence, but that she wanted to get back into work. Why in that situation should I go along with that belief -that she can never work again -when it's not what she really wants and not what I believe is the right outcome? Rather than say, what about trying some voluntary work, what is it that's stopping you? I was not pushing a solution, i even said at one point if now's not the right time for you to go back to work then just leave it for a bit and don't pressurise yourself.
Anyway she needs to tell me, gently, if she doesn't want me advice or how else am I to know? There are a million ways she could have let me know that I wasn't quite on the right track rather than getting aggressive.

I accept that maybe she didn't want advice but don't think I did anything wrong in originally exploring the issue with her, otherwise what am I supposed to do just sit there and say there there poor dear you'll never get back into work? well that's just not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 23/02/2018 10:08

I think maybe I am quite anti the 'victim mentality' and she was clearly coming from a victim mentality place so maybe that was the root of the conflict.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 23/02/2018 10:08

Bottom line was she lost it. Acted with rage and physically man handled you out of the door. Wth behaves like that?!

Yeah maybe she didn't want your advice and you could have handled it differently but you're not a councellor and she could have chosen to react differently.

Look, it was an awful situation and experience, work out what you could have done differently, apologise if necessary and bin off this friendship and learn from it.

Don't keep replaying it because you'll always be going round and round.

TalkinBoutWhat · 23/02/2018 10:09

You can 'help' by acknowledging that it sounds shit. By asking THEM what they want to do. Ask THEM if they feel strong enough to try something new. ASK THEM, not TELL THEM.

I have a friend like you, and I've started to stay away from her when I'm having bad days. Her way of dealing with things are not mine. And if she tells me to go for a fucking walk because I will feel so much better afterwards again I'd be too tempted to shove my trainers down her throat.

We've had some major fallings out over there past year because of it, but she's finally getting the message that she doesn't get to TELL me how I should deal with things.

Versorecto · 23/02/2018 10:09

I think you’ve inadvertently stumbled on some odd vibe between her and the husband. Interesting that she uses the moment to cry on her husband, “other people are bad, she is incapable and must be protected” and you e just challenged that.

It’s fucked up. Steer clear.

Angelf1sh · 23/02/2018 10:10

Telling her that you think she’s wrong about her own assessment of her capabilities is pretty rude frankly. The more you post, the more sympathy I’m starting to feel for your friend.

sadie9 · 23/02/2018 10:10

Most people who were feeling okay would just brush off suggestions or advice if they don't want to hear it. We all tend to talk to people like that, we do keep offering ways that might be helpful, it's just naturally what people do. Your friend flew off the handle good and proper in a way that was an over-reaction to the situation. Not much you can do about it really, so lick your wounds and then move on Flowers
I know someone like your friend so yes it hurts a lot because they keep telling you how abusive you have been to them, when you've only had the exact same conversation you would have with anyone!