Friend turned on me - really hurt me and I don't know why.

[shouldaknownbetter]

I have a friend, lives in another city. I was travelling nearby last week so arranged to go and stay with her for a couple of days.

We went out the first night and had some drinks, sat up chatting until quite late. Everything was going ok, she started telling me how she had not got any confidence as she'd not worked for a few years (due to a physical disability). I was trying to be supportive, giving her advice like maybe try some voluntary work, look at the things she'd done with her hobbies (she does puppetry), just trying to help. Everything was met with a no, the conversation was getting circular to everything I said she just replied she did not have the confidence. Then she started saying she didn't want to talk about it. So I changed the subject but she kept coming back to it. And then things got nasty, every time I opened my mouth she shouted at me to shut up. Said that I was going on about it - even though I had no stake in going on about it -it was not my issue - she was the one who kept bringing it up.

By now she was really shouting at me and this woke up her husband and school age daughter, her husband then started shouting at me that I'd woken him up, and told me to go to bed. I never even raised my voice! She started crying on his shoulder like I'm the bad guy.

So I went to bed all the time thinking 'I need to get out of here' but at 2 in the morning your options are limited.

Come the morning I thought I don't want to stay here and it's not fair on her daughter who by now was giving me a really bad vibe that she wanted me out. So I told her husband I'd go to a hotel that night, but we could still hang out if she wanted to see me and talk, just I didn't want to sleep there.

He tried to downplay it a bit, but I'd made my mind up. Anyway I told my friend, who was still in bed, that this is what I was planning and then all hell broke loose. She came out of the room and shouted at me- first to stop making a fuss over nothing, then when it became clear I wasn't going to back down, shouted at me repeatedly to fuck off and that I was selfish and to get the fuck out.

So I packed up my stuff and then she physically shoved me out the door all the time shouting fuck off fuck off at me. I've never seen rage like it.

I really don't understand what happened here. I sent her a message saying no one talks to me like that and we are not friends any more, she followed up with abusive replies and said I'd driven her to it. I said she'd passed the point of no return now.

We've been friends around 3 years and something like this (but not as bad) happened a couple of years ago, and I gave her a second chance then.

I guess I am still reeling a bit and feeling a bit shell shocked that she could turn on me like this. It's like -she could say whatever she liked but when I said anything she told me to shut up/fuck off and then blamed me for everything and made herself out to be the victim. And that's emotionally abusive isn't it.

But I can't help wondering why she's done this to me... I know I need to move on but it's left me feeling really strange.

OK - so if a friend came to you and said 'I want to go back to work but I don't have the confidence' what would you say?

Would you just say nothing and let them vent with the odd nod of the head?

Ask them if they want to hear suggestions?

I guess i need to get better at understanding what the conversation needs - when do you know if they would welcome a solution and when not?

If your first suggested solution gets a 'yes, but' response, they are not asking for a solution and you can end it before it escalates, doing the 'there, there' bit and hopefully moving on.

@WellThisIsShit
Wow what you wrote was so true. I'm also disabled and totally agree with everything you said.
Thank you for putting into words what I feel

"Would you just say nothing and let them vent with the odd nod of the head"

yes.

because I have very, very few interactions in which truly useful advice is welcome.

Maybe this is because truly useful advice generally starts with "You need to change what you're doing"

And usually, people are actually doing what they want to do.

She doesn't want to go to work. She feels like she should, but if she actually wanted to, she wouldn't be batting the idea around with "I haven't got the confidence so I can't", she's be approaching it with "Help me with my cv, I'm applying for X job"

I don't know why she doesn't want to go to work, maybe she's not capable of working right now, but her own feelings are in conflict with her situation. She didn't want advice, she wanted you to sooth the internal conflict and YOU MADE IT WORSE by suggesting ways in which she COULD do that thing she does not want to do.

And there is no way, prior to this horrible interaction, that you could have known this was going on in her head.

A good rule of thumb is, if someone is asking you to help them with a thing they have already planned, they want your help. If they are already telling you they cannot do it, they have decided. Stay quiet.

'I want to go back to work but I don't have the confidence' what would you say?

I might say, "Oh OK. Do you want to talk about it? Fancy a cuppa?" and then take it from there.

I think with these sorts of intense feeling issues, you need to be quite sensitive to the person's feelings and allow them to do most of the talking. It's a process for them and you can't just push them at speed to the end of that process. Hope that makes sense.

I have a DM who is a fixer, whatever problem I talk to her about she tries to solve for me. But she goes even further than you, OP, she tries and actually solve it for me when I haven't even asked her!

As an example, I was explaining why I couldn't go to a women's conference (in another country) I used to help to organise, because my older DD (8) has behavioural issues and DD2 will be having her 6th birthday and I'm planning her party.

My DM was trying to show me that it could be done, even looking into flights! I was really annoyed. The decision had been made. I said it was a pity in an email, I wasn't asking for her to help me to find a way to go!!

She's always been like this. She can't just listen, she has to find answers. It really annoys my DH as well, it's not as if we can't find the answers ourselves.

Obviously, your friend's reaction was bad, and she seems overly fond of the f word. And pushing you out of the door was very wrong. It's what I sometimes feel I'd like to do with my DM, though.

Oh gosh I'm not like that Lizzie! I advise quite gently, what about this?
How about that? etc and even said to my friend maybe it was not the right time for her to decide to do anything at the moment. I even got a 'yes but' to that so I definitely think she was pushing for a bit of a fight at that point.

If someone seems determined to see only the negatives in a situation and as the listener you are expected to go along with that, it is very very frustrating! Too late for this friendship but in future I think I'll be best to just move the conversation along if someone wants to rant without actually trying to help things.

I don't think you have done anything wrong whatsoever, if she didn't want your input then she shouldn't have said anything to you about it, she has manipulated the situation so her husband and daughter take her side, she had no right to speak to you or man handle you in such a manner, I wouldn't give her the time of day ever again if I was you, hope you are ok 💐

I'm not suggesting you're as bad as that, @shouldaknownbetter but we don't always know how we come across to others. I don't think my DM would recognise my description of her tbh.

I know you meant well, but when we're feeling low, solutions are not what we're looking for. I suffer from complex PTSD because of childhood SA and I'm not able to do things to help myself sometimes. It can make me feel worse when someone gives me solutions that I'm not capable of carrying out

Thanks Dancetothebeat32, I was feeling from some (albeit well intentioned) posters on here like maybe it was my fault for not just letting her rant on and agreeing with her that it was all hopeless.

I get that not everyone wants a fix it, but a conversation is a two way street surely and who the fuck invites a friend from out of town to stay for two nights then goes on about their problems and gets angry when they want to help??

Yes but would you ask for them Lizzie? Or just steer clear of relaying your problems if you are not in the mood for help?

When I'm feeling low, solutions generally ARE what I'm looking for. I understand not everyone is like this but I very much 'chase' a solution as my way to get out of a bad situation.. to the extent of obsessively reading up on the internet, buying books etc.

I don't always act on the info but 'knowledge is power' in my opinion.

I get not everyone is like this though, I'm probably in the minority, I need to remember that.

Well she clearly needs to seek help, she is not portraying normal behaviour. I would feel the same as you, I think you actually acted in a way a true friend would, what good is nodding like a fucking Churchill dog to her!!!!!

OP, I think she just wanted you to validate her "poor me" view of herself and you repeatedly didn't come up with the goods.
Walk away, she sounds like hard work.

ha ha I'm tempted to send her one of those churchill dogs (but won't, and she probably wouldn't get it either)

Well in that case I'm in the minority with you . And so are my friends.My friends and I always offer advice to each other on how to get out of a problem. We all find it useful. Noone takes offence.

I don't normally vent much actually, except to my DH, so I don't face that kind of advice. With my DM, I merely said it was a pity I couldn't go to the conference, I was hardly venting. I wasn't looking for a way to be able to go.

When I have vented to friends (rarely), and someone gives me unwanted advice, I don't get aggressive with them. I just let them offer it and then change the subject.

agree with Laurencooper entirely.

She is abusive and from that perspective alone, you're well rid.

Otherwise: everyone, who doesn't already, needs to recognise how necessary and helpful negativity, wallowing, and a "victim mentality" can be.

For most people, but especially for disabled people. For a disabled person, being too positive can endanger their life very quickly. It can also lead to them hurting those around them, by kidding themselves they're ready for a relationship or friendship they're not, or that they're ready for responsibility they're not. Which leaves other people high and dry when the disabled person crashes.

If they have a tendecy towards thinking that they have more control over their life than they do, then thinking of themselves as a victim can help temper that, bringing them back towards a more realistic view of their situation.

All of that goes for people who aren't disabled too; whatever your health situation, accurately assessing your abilities so that you can reliably advocate for yourself is very important.

Negativity can be a very healthy thing. If you have an aversion to it for your own reasons, and need positivity instead, then that's valid too. Whether it's something that you want to examine and change, or not. I've known a few people like that, and other than struggling to be a supportive friend or partner sometimes, they seem to do ok.

But don't suggest that your incompatibility with people who need negativity exists because they are somehow wrong in needing it.

Hmm. Being a fixer doesn't = not being a supportive friend or partner. I'm extremely supportive to my friends and do a lot for them and my partner. There are many ways to support someone that don't involve listening to them being negative.

Your friend is a me me me-er..
.they like to live in the negativity and don't really want to change, despite saying they do. Her life is HER responsibility and only she can change it. I had a friend like this, had a long term health issue but was just very negative about everything....she still is but I have little to do with her, it's exhausting being around negative people, sucks the life out of you. Plus your friend behaved appallingly so I'd move on if I were you.

Yes, I am moving on. Predominantly because I was blamed for everything, and by her husband too. I can handle a bit of me-me-me ness but being blamed wholly for a situation involving two people, I cannot. It's like, she feels she is entitled to be upset but me? I'm not allowed to be upset and if my being upset causes HER to be upset, then I am at fault for upsetting her further!

You'll never win with someone like that unfortunately, they are the perceptual victims!