Friend turned on me - really hurt me and I don't know why.

[shouldaknownbetter]

I have a friend, lives in another city. I was travelling nearby last week so arranged to go and stay with her for a couple of days.

We went out the first night and had some drinks, sat up chatting until quite late. Everything was going ok, she started telling me how she had not got any confidence as she'd not worked for a few years (due to a physical disability). I was trying to be supportive, giving her advice like maybe try some voluntary work, look at the things she'd done with her hobbies (she does puppetry), just trying to help. Everything was met with a no, the conversation was getting circular to everything I said she just replied she did not have the confidence. Then she started saying she didn't want to talk about it. So I changed the subject but she kept coming back to it. And then things got nasty, every time I opened my mouth she shouted at me to shut up. Said that I was going on about it - even though I had no stake in going on about it -it was not my issue - she was the one who kept bringing it up.

By now she was really shouting at me and this woke up her husband and school age daughter, her husband then started shouting at me that I'd woken him up, and told me to go to bed. I never even raised my voice! She started crying on his shoulder like I'm the bad guy.

So I went to bed all the time thinking 'I need to get out of here' but at 2 in the morning your options are limited.

Come the morning I thought I don't want to stay here and it's not fair on her daughter who by now was giving me a really bad vibe that she wanted me out. So I told her husband I'd go to a hotel that night, but we could still hang out if she wanted to see me and talk, just I didn't want to sleep there.

He tried to downplay it a bit, but I'd made my mind up. Anyway I told my friend, who was still in bed, that this is what I was planning and then all hell broke loose. She came out of the room and shouted at me- first to stop making a fuss over nothing, then when it became clear I wasn't going to back down, shouted at me repeatedly to fuck off and that I was selfish and to get the fuck out.

So I packed up my stuff and then she physically shoved me out the door all the time shouting fuck off fuck off at me. I've never seen rage like it.

I really don't understand what happened here. I sent her a message saying no one talks to me like that and we are not friends any more, she followed up with abusive replies and said I'd driven her to it. I said she'd passed the point of no return now.

We've been friends around 3 years and something like this (but not as bad) happened a couple of years ago, and I gave her a second chance then.

I guess I am still reeling a bit and feeling a bit shell shocked that she could turn on me like this. It's like -she could say whatever she liked but when I said anything she told me to shut up/fuck off and then blamed me for everything and made herself out to be the victim. And that's emotionally abusive isn't it.

But I can't help wondering why she's done this to me... I know I need to move on but it's left me feeling really strange.

Given your responses to some of the replies on this thread, you don't sound much different to your former friend.

People are telling you what most likely went wrong but you don't really want to hear, just like your friend didn't want to hear you. You want validation, just like your friend did.

Honestly OP, is it really too hard to accept that people are different? And that your personality is neither superior nor inferior?

No. I don't want to go and see a friend who lives in another city, go out for drinks and have a good time and then be subjected to a two hour rant about how crap life is and not be able to say anything to try and change her perspective and if i do, I get shouted at.

No, sorry but that does not sound like a good way to spend an evening.

If that makes me a crap person so be it but I'd rather be friends with people who don't do that. Who have a bit more respect and consideration for their guests.

I don't mind hearing a problem and offering a sympathetic ear to a friend in need but not all bloody night when any suggestions or input is unappreciated, what's in it for me I am not her unpaid counseller.

Davespecifico I don't think I will, as everything will only ever be my fault.

The previous time, I was told off for 'making a fuss over nothing' which was basically her way of saying my feelings were unimportant.

So I can only see the same thing happen again.

I'm going to leave it, if she contacts me I will engage and hear what she has to say but I'm not going to make the first move.

You are just sounding worse and worse op. I think you’re both much better off without each other.

OK but why are you saying I am the one who has to sit there and listen to her have a moan and not be able to say anything constructive, when that's not a pleasant way to spend an evening with a friend IMO. Especially not someone you only see once a blue moon, not like she lives nearby and this is a one off crisis situation, I want to have a good time with my long distance friends not sit there being told to shut up if I offer any suggestions or advice.

I'm a fix it person too. I can see how it can be annoying and how people just want to vent too because I am the same. I also see how I'm much better at either finding solutions or seeing what other people should do but when it comes to my own life I often don't. Because the reality and consequences of actions are scary.

There's stuff I should be doing at the moment and I'm a bit frozen. I appreciate my friends letting me vent without any pressure. I know what should be doing and the steps but it's such a massive deal that I'm putting off the next steps.

So yes, whilst I'm a fix it person, I also recognise that we're all individuals and what is logical to someone else isn't that easy for the person experiencing the problem.

I think you should apologize regardless of what happens in the future with your friendship. You obviously like each other but there's fundamental points that you find insufferable with each other.

OK so if she doesn't want me to 'fix it' she needs to say something like

OK I'm not quite in the right space to look at solutions right now, but maybe another time

Yes I know but it's too much to think about today

Or even, thanks but that's enough for now I'm going to bed

Rather than
Shut up

Shut the fuck up

Fuck off

Get out of my house

Etc

Anyone see what I'm trying to say here?

Everytime you opened your mouth, she said shut up?

So why didn’t you go to bed after the first time you’d been shouted at?

Hardly an enjoyable evening, was it?

OP I don't think she would have moaned all evening if at the start you had offered understanding and sympathy. If you had done, the conversation may have turned to something else. But each time you offered unwanted advice she was coming back to you trying to get sympathy. That's why it went round in circles. She wanted a shoulder to cry on but it ended up being her DP's again. You only needed to listen properly once. This is what 'fix it' people don't understand.

OP I agree with you.

Just because she's disabled doesn't mean she's a nice person. It's possible to be both mentally and physically disabled AND a complete dick. Losing your health doesn't make you a better person, it piles even more stress onto someone who handles it by acting like a twat

Totally disagree, MadMags, you seem to be picturing a situation that dind't occur

Thank you greendale.

I get what people are saying, that I should have said 'there there poor dear' but that's not my natural style - I work as an advisor so constantly in fix it mode at work.

Seeing as I'm all solution focused and everything, maybe I need to take a step back from the people who don't actually want a solution, as they will just wind me up as much as I, seemingly, will wind them up.

The truth is,, your suggestions and advice do come from a critical place. ANd it's only a footstep from "Maybe you'd feel better if you did some voluntary work?" to "Explain, precisely, why you never fucking do anything constructive!"

If someone is already feeling useless and put upon, tired, stressed and frustrated, having a self professed 'just get on with it' type who isn't disabled herself can be intolerable.

Your friend behaved appallingly, and probably isn't a nice person to be around, but you were a guest in someone else's home, read the room!

I think the disability thing is a bit of a red herring although I can see how it could lead to depression/ negative mind set . And I have physical health problems myself before anyone says I don't understand.

I mean, plenty of disabled people have a positive mindset and go on to do lots of things with their life/don't let it get in the way.

Christopher Reeve was directing films about a year after being paralysed from the neck down for example.

No, I’m not Qvar. I’m basing my opinion on what OP has written.

I don’t understand why you would hang around repeatedly getting shouted at and continuing to “offer advice” when that’s why you were being shouted at.

Why would you do that, really??

@notmyredditusername365 tut tut. That’s not very nice, is it? 😂

Oh ffs OP you need to stop now before you say “Stephen Hawking has a job so why can’t you?”

I don't think you have lost much OP.

Fix-it people can be draining TBH. I work with one now and our different ways of communicating reduced me to tears on one occasion. But she is also a genuinely kind and thoughtful human being and the fault lay with both of us not just her.

I don't blame you for wanting to leave. What a horrible position to be in when she has blown up at you, and her H and DD made you feel unwelcome. She owed you an apology for her behaviour but instead started off again. A quick 'I'm sorry, I was tired/drunk' would have eased the situation.

Qvar - genuine question here - how is someone supposed to offer suggestions and advice without it 'coming from a critical place'?

I genuinely genuinely wanted nothing more than to help my friend and encourage her to do what she herself told me she wanted to do - find the confidence to get back into work.

I was not judging her or criticising her, I even said to her at one point maybe the time is not right for you now don't pressurise yourself.

How is that not being supportive in the situation?

You still don't get it. You are solution focussed, and drawing attention to something FOR WHICH THERE PROBABLY IS NO SOLUTION.

And you cannot accept that there is no solution, so you probe, and fix, and probe, and fix until the PERSON (PERSON, not problem) you are probing at just snaps.

She's sad and tired and frustrated and frightened and you picked her life choices apart and that would have felt like you were making her disability all her own fault. I know that this isn't what you were doing, but you weren't in a professional situation, you were a guest in a disabled woman's home and you tried to 'fix it'.

The chances are, when she asked for your input, she meant sympathy. People are bad at saying "I need someone to just be kind to me, and baby me, and say there there" because it's seen a weak. SO they ask for advice, and get given good, genuine, heartfelt advice, as I'm sure yours was, and are FURIOUS that they wanted sympathy and got perceived judgement.

Why didn’t you end the conversation the first time you were shouted at? Out of curiosity.