Friend turned on me - really hurt me and I don't know why.

[shouldaknownbetter]

I have a friend, lives in another city. I was travelling nearby last week so arranged to go and stay with her for a couple of days.

We went out the first night and had some drinks, sat up chatting until quite late. Everything was going ok, she started telling me how she had not got any confidence as she'd not worked for a few years (due to a physical disability). I was trying to be supportive, giving her advice like maybe try some voluntary work, look at the things she'd done with her hobbies (she does puppetry), just trying to help. Everything was met with a no, the conversation was getting circular to everything I said she just replied she did not have the confidence. Then she started saying she didn't want to talk about it. So I changed the subject but she kept coming back to it. And then things got nasty, every time I opened my mouth she shouted at me to shut up. Said that I was going on about it - even though I had no stake in going on about it -it was not my issue - she was the one who kept bringing it up.

By now she was really shouting at me and this woke up her husband and school age daughter, her husband then started shouting at me that I'd woken him up, and told me to go to bed. I never even raised my voice! She started crying on his shoulder like I'm the bad guy.

So I went to bed all the time thinking 'I need to get out of here' but at 2 in the morning your options are limited.

Come the morning I thought I don't want to stay here and it's not fair on her daughter who by now was giving me a really bad vibe that she wanted me out. So I told her husband I'd go to a hotel that night, but we could still hang out if she wanted to see me and talk, just I didn't want to sleep there.

He tried to downplay it a bit, but I'd made my mind up. Anyway I told my friend, who was still in bed, that this is what I was planning and then all hell broke loose. She came out of the room and shouted at me- first to stop making a fuss over nothing, then when it became clear I wasn't going to back down, shouted at me repeatedly to fuck off and that I was selfish and to get the fuck out.

So I packed up my stuff and then she physically shoved me out the door all the time shouting fuck off fuck off at me. I've never seen rage like it.

I really don't understand what happened here. I sent her a message saying no one talks to me like that and we are not friends any more, she followed up with abusive replies and said I'd driven her to it. I said she'd passed the point of no return now.

We've been friends around 3 years and something like this (but not as bad) happened a couple of years ago, and I gave her a second chance then.

I guess I am still reeling a bit and feeling a bit shell shocked that she could turn on me like this. It's like -she could say whatever she liked but when I said anything she told me to shut up/fuck off and then blamed me for everything and made herself out to be the victim. And that's emotionally abusive isn't it.

But I can't help wondering why she's done this to me... I know I need to move on but it's left me feeling really strange.

Yes Offred I agree with that but it can be so hard to know when to enforce that boundary.. do you do it the first time? I thought about it but thought that may be being too harsh. Friend did phone me up a few weeks later and give a general 'if I did anything to upset you I apologise' type apology but looking back she had no insight into what she'd actually done she just maybe realised I'd gone a bit distant.

So in future unless someone can give a heartfelt apology where they realise what went wrong I guess that's not much good.

Most things can be resolved by an open and honest chat and I've got other saner friends where we've p'd each other off but resolved it quickly because we can chat it through -that to me is the clincher.

I do agree with you there, Offred, but I don't understand why you keep accusing the OP of being judgmental towards her friend? It sounds like she wasn't actually being judgmental when talking to her friend. She is on here because she's angry with her, understandably.

She isn't forgiving her friend's behaviour this time, so she knows you're right that there's no point doing that. It's actually not about forgiving/not forgiving really. I'm learning that my DM and DB have been toxic for me, so I've distanced myself from them. It's not about holding a grudge, but about staying away from people it's not healthy for me or my DDs to be around.

Yes indeed - that's my responsibility - to remove myself from a situation which is untenable.

A week ago the thought of never speaking to my friend again would have been unimaginable - I wish it hadn't happened - but it has and seeing as she has shown no interest in reflection/sorting it out (her last text to me after I tried to explain my position was just 'whatever') then I have to let go.

I know I've relayed two times when she has been EA to me but there have been many many times when we've got on well/had fun/enjoyed each others companyetc otherwise I wouldn't have stayed friends so long.

Unfortunately the good times cannot cancel out the bad.

Yes, Lizzie, that is exactly my point. OP’s friend is responsible for her actions, OP is responsible for hers.

And to say someone has a ‘victim mentality’ that’s horrendous and offensive re a disabled person feeling unconfident re WOH as that is an area where disabled people are really victimised.

People’s attitudes are affected negatively when they are victimised and can act as another barrier in addition to structural inequality but if you want to empower someone you don’t go in believing your way of doing things is superior, you know better about their life, struggles and experiences, they are just making problems for themselves and if they ‘just did’ or ‘just said’ etc etc... if a friendship has got that bad that you feel that way about the person it is no longer a friendship.

Op - I don’t think it is about an apology heartfelt or not. It’s about looking at what the behaviour says about the person and your ability to relate to them.

It really is not better to try to ‘be forgiving’, sometimes there are people that you are just fundamentally incompatible with or who have so many issues in their own lives (even if they are not their fault) that actually you just can’t be friends.

If keeping the friendship involves putting up with drama or falling into a mothering role, it doesn’t matter what people say, it’s not a good relationship to keep.

This is one of the MAIN pitfalls for people with an abusive childhood, knowing where to draw the line and ultimately deciding things like ‘I don’t want to be like x so I am going to be forgiving’ or ‘I can put up with this’ rather than ‘actually we aren’t well matched’ or ‘I don’t want friends I have to put up with, I want friends I enjoy spending time with who don’t generally give me things to put up with’

No they cant and it is good that you set this boundry should. Its very hard to do especially when most of the time things are good but no one deserves the kind of behaviour you have had from your friend and her husband on either occasion.

even so offred, nothing excuses ranting and swearing and throwing someone out.

People are responsible for their own behaviour, disabled or not. This woman kept bringing the conversation back to the topic when the OP tried to move on.

Hopefully the OP can read the signals a bit better next time that sometimes sympathetic noises for a while before moving the conversation on are what's needed. But it's doing no one at all, least of all her friend, to brush this sort of behaviour under the carpet.

oops the convo has moved on, sorry.

Yes yes offred to abusive relationships. How many times i have seen posts which cite controlling or very abusive behaviour, even strangling once!, only to have the OP so deeply brainwashed by their abuser that they defend them abd cite all the good times. As though the good times are enough, which they really arent.

And sadly often that stems fromhaving other abusive relationships...friends and family.

I don't see why just because someone is disabled that means they cannot choose how to view their life/their attitude.

That's MORE offensive to disabled people IMHO offred. You're basically saying that their attitude is not of their own choosing.

They really do sound like a nightmare.

I've been thinking about this and there could be another way of looking at it. When a person has a lot of resistance to a situation and is feeling particularly powerless, the next step up, as they become more empowered can be immense anger. Maybe what happened is that you actually did help to empower your friend, but unfortunately, became the target in the process? Again, just some thoughts.

This thread is really upsetting. I have brain damage and an autoimmune illness. Sometimes it makes it hard to control my behaviour.
I have been where the op's friend was. If you are after sympathy and only getting solutions, that person is not going to give you what you want - validation of your feelings - because they think you want your problems solved. That's what you're telling them, after all.
She then chose to argue with you, and physically assaulted you the next day. You should be calling the police and having her charged, not wondering what you did to deserve being hit and being told on the internet you are a terrible human devoid of empathy.

Please everyone, it is disabilist to say this woman isn't responsible for her behaviour. She may not have been able to help her actions at the time, but she had a responsibility to apologise in the cold light of day. Instead of taking that like a decent person, she escalated her behaviour to physical assault to justify her existing assertion that the OP had done something wrong.
You simply cannot commit assault on someone and have it totally excused because you're disabled. It's an insult to people who manage to lives their lives with a disability every day and don't use it to excuse their anti social behaviour.

I think everyone here agrees that the friend's behaviour went too far and was unacceptable. We've just been offering some insights as to how it might have been triggered by the OP's words or behaviour. It doesn't excuse it, just explains it.

I don't see why just because someone is disabled that means they cannot choose how to view their life/their attitude.

In fairness, OP, it just isn't that simple and I do think that you could listen to the experience of disabled people on the thread who are consistently saying that. People are human, get tired, get very very tired of being unable to keep up and of being told to do stuff they'd love to do, but simply can't.

it still doesn't excuse her behaviour for one minute. The only reason could be, as coffee said, is if there is a degree of brain injury and it is literally impossible for them to behave with self control. Even then, sadly, the point comes where enough is enough.

I’m not excusing the friend’s behaviour. I’ve said a number of times that it was extreme, friendship ending, unacceptable etc.

I’m just replying to the OP asking why it happened.

I’m also not saying disabled people can’t choose their own behaviour or attitudes.

What I’m saying is that you can’t characterise feeling unconfident re WOH and a discussion where you kept pressing solutions that were consistently not being well received as someone having a ‘victim mentality’. The problem re all equalities issues is the structural inequality, if you don’t acknowledge the structural inequality and don’t listen to someone talking about their experiences, just try to fix it for them as though they have (or are in a place where they are able to conceive of having) personal power as the primary determinant of their life choices, you can’t determine the problem is a ‘victim mentality’ because you have put them on the defensive with your attitude.

What others see as ‘victim mentality’ is often just a maladaptive coping mechanism, sometimes it’s just plain ignorance of people who don’t acknowledge structural inequalities exist though.

Some things are sure;

you absolutely cannot help someone no matter your approach if you have decided they have a ‘victim mentality’.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.

It is not always wise to forgive and forget and whilst it is understandable to make that choice when it is unwise it does inevitably set you on a track where you will experience further drama.

(And telling someone what is wrong/right with them and what to do is really the opposite of empowering. If you feel disempowered this further disempowers you.)

She sounds like an absolute nutter OP , I'd let her crack on with that & be thankful you don't have someone mentally unhinged within your inner circle of friends

OP I have suffer with disabilities, and mental health issues, but I would never use these as an excuse to treat a friend like a piece of shit and scream at them to fuck off and push them out of my house....I am also quite sure that if this was a reoccurring event and in fact a knock on effect of her disability you would have been fully aware of it by now, or her husband would have explained to you instead of blaming you.....my opinion she was still pissed up when you tried to speak to her and she carried on taking the knock.....Do not apologise for trying to be a good friend, she is the shitty one and IMO has lost a good one

Let's face it OP. The evening was never going to go well. Your friend sounds like she was in a dark place and you inadvertently were a handy person in the firing line. It was like walking in egg shells, you hit a raw nerve.

My observation from my own experience is trying to avoid the phenomenon of "rescuing" - you know the anecdote of the little old lady standing on the curb looking over the other side of the road, and someone swoops beside her, and without listening to her going "But.... But.... but...." pulls her over the road thinking she was helping. Then the little old lady says, but I didn't want to cross the road.

We can all be guilty of thinking we have the ideal solution to someone else's problem, if only they'd just follow our sage advice, but that's because it isn't our problem, and we haven't had to live through it day by day.

Another dimension is that she probably sees you as that "together person" who has their shit in a sock, and poles apart from where she is. That's not your fault either. You just happened to be there in front of her when the red mist descended.

I do agree, offred. Had only seen your first post when I posted, for some reason the rest didn't show up and once I'd read them I could see where you were coming from better.

I think the heart of it is, OP’s attitude doesn’t justify or excuse friend’s unacceptable behaviour but equally the unacceptable behaviour doesn’t justify the way OP thinks re ‘victim mentality’ and disabled people’s experiences.

It cuts both ways.

OP I'm with you. You would have been wrong whatever you said in her eyes. There's also something off with her making scenes whilst her DH is around.

I had a friend who would ask for advice on the simplist of things ("What should I give DD for tea?") and every single thing i mentioned was rejected in a "computer says no" manner. This would happen daily and in the end I shut her down. She was bored at home and spiced up her life by creating issues that she could argue about as she would never argue with her DP. When she then involved my children in her drama, the friendship was swiftly ended by me. It turned out she was badmouthing me to her DP because of the advice that she asked for.

You aren't in the wrong here.

What was her reply to your text, OP?

Her husband sounds just as awful as her!

Cherry... I just sent her a meme about not blaming your behaviour on others and she replied with a fuck off. I've blocked her now.

Should, keep her blocked. Sending her meme is a real passive aggressive dig and much as it is true then it would just enflame. Thats just feeding the drama...