Friend turned on me - really hurt me and I don't know why.

[shouldaknownbetter]

I have a friend, lives in another city. I was travelling nearby last week so arranged to go and stay with her for a couple of days.

We went out the first night and had some drinks, sat up chatting until quite late. Everything was going ok, she started telling me how she had not got any confidence as she'd not worked for a few years (due to a physical disability). I was trying to be supportive, giving her advice like maybe try some voluntary work, look at the things she'd done with her hobbies (she does puppetry), just trying to help. Everything was met with a no, the conversation was getting circular to everything I said she just replied she did not have the confidence. Then she started saying she didn't want to talk about it. So I changed the subject but she kept coming back to it. And then things got nasty, every time I opened my mouth she shouted at me to shut up. Said that I was going on about it - even though I had no stake in going on about it -it was not my issue - she was the one who kept bringing it up.

By now she was really shouting at me and this woke up her husband and school age daughter, her husband then started shouting at me that I'd woken him up, and told me to go to bed. I never even raised my voice! She started crying on his shoulder like I'm the bad guy.

So I went to bed all the time thinking 'I need to get out of here' but at 2 in the morning your options are limited.

Come the morning I thought I don't want to stay here and it's not fair on her daughter who by now was giving me a really bad vibe that she wanted me out. So I told her husband I'd go to a hotel that night, but we could still hang out if she wanted to see me and talk, just I didn't want to sleep there.

He tried to downplay it a bit, but I'd made my mind up. Anyway I told my friend, who was still in bed, that this is what I was planning and then all hell broke loose. She came out of the room and shouted at me- first to stop making a fuss over nothing, then when it became clear I wasn't going to back down, shouted at me repeatedly to fuck off and that I was selfish and to get the fuck out.

So I packed up my stuff and then she physically shoved me out the door all the time shouting fuck off fuck off at me. I've never seen rage like it.

I really don't understand what happened here. I sent her a message saying no one talks to me like that and we are not friends any more, she followed up with abusive replies and said I'd driven her to it. I said she'd passed the point of no return now.

We've been friends around 3 years and something like this (but not as bad) happened a couple of years ago, and I gave her a second chance then.

I guess I am still reeling a bit and feeling a bit shell shocked that she could turn on me like this. It's like -she could say whatever she liked but when I said anything she told me to shut up/fuck off and then blamed me for everything and made herself out to be the victim. And that's emotionally abusive isn't it.

But I can't help wondering why she's done this to me... I know I need to move on but it's left me feeling really strange.

The moment she started shouting would have made me pack my stuff and leave. She sounds like she loves to play the victim and to get her husband involved just shows how messed up she is.

I removed myself from a friend like this, she never had any other friends which I now realise was because she is quite dysfunctional.

I have a friend who has dumped me because I'm a problem solver and when she comes to me with a problem I want to help find a solution. I've realised she doesn't want a solution, she wants someone to agree with her about how shit her life is. I think your stbx friend is like that. How did you sleep? I'd have had one eye open all night!

I slept very poorly, but the story ends well. I then booked a lovely boutique hotel for the 2nd night and contacted another friend in that city who I'd only met a couple of times before.. explained my tale of woe and we went out for drinks that evening with his partner and he said if ever I'm in town again to stay with them instead! They seem nice and normal. So I lost one friend but gained another!

I do agree that your friend's behaviour was downright horrible, and yes I'm surprised at the flak you were getting earlier in the thread. I was only giving my comments to show that some fixers/problem solvers are very annoying and can miss the point. My DM is an extreme example, I get that.

In your case, OP, you were in a no-win situation and I know you were only trying to boost her confidence. Whatever you said seemed to wind her up, which was most likely alcohol related but no excuse. I wouldn't think any more about it.

I'm glad it worked out well for you, that you met up with your other friend.

Thanks Lizzie I seem to attract flak on mumsnet I think I come across as confident/self righteous/arrogant/conceited some people see it that way anyway! Kind of used to it now, it happens every time i post a thread which is quite rare these days.

I will take on board that not everyone wants a problem solver and try to read more in to the situation in future before offering solutions/ see whether I get the 'yes buts' which will mean a solution is not required! So I have learned something from this thread.

I'm not her unpaid counseller Graphista.. friendships are two way!

What is in this for ME?

Plus I am allowed to reference Christopher Reeve if I want to!

But you wanted this conversation/evening to go YOUR way. Whereas it sounds like your friend is having a tough time and you don't seem at all sympathetic.

And it's HOW you referenced Christopher Reeve that was offensive.

Yes some disabled people with X condition can climb Everest/do a triathlon but not all can or want to.

I've reported your previous post Graphista.
Now DFOD.

To say as a PP did that disabled people cannot have a positive attitude is MORE offensive/discriminatory. That's why I referenced CR - to say that's not always true ,he had a positive attitude . Not saying everyone should do what he did, not at all.

I did not say disabled people CANNOT have a positive attitude, I said it shouldn't be a REQUIREMENT.

It's offensive for people who are NOT disabled to try and TELL disabled people how they SHOULD feel.

The reality is we have good (or more accurately not so bad) days, bad days and awful days and our positivity and confidence will be largely affected by how we're doing at a particular time.

We may have had bad news and be having a pissed off day or we may be having a day where we're not in agonising pain and so feel a little more positive.

shouldaknownbetter you made a very interesting comment back there about always getting this kind of response when you posted. It inspired me to look up your previous threads. You do seem to have some patterns, at the very least, that are helping to create the dilemmas that you find yourself in. To be honest, I'd recommend you re-read your own threads and see if you can see anything in your own responses to things that isn't helping you.
This is meant sincerely helpfully, by the way, and I don't doubt that you intended to be helpful to your friend, but I think you're quite a long way from having any insight into interpersonal dynamics. And it can't be explained overnight, but often ONLY learnt through the kind of painful experience that you've just had.

You seem to be making excuses for my friends behaviour on the basis that she is disabled.. you're not really doing that are you? I hope not, because I don't think disabled people are any less responsible for their behaviour than their able bodied peers. Not when it comes to shouting, screaming at their friends that is.

What next, would you say a disabled man has the right to be EA to his wife because he's disabled?

I think I stand up for myself too much if that makes sense onalong.. and some people don't like it, but I can do without those people as my best friends IRL I get along fine with, so I don't think I need to change myself too much maybe just be choosy about who I hang out with?

Wow! A/s makes for interesting reading for sure.

Of course I'm not saying being disabled excuses bad behaviour and I clearly said that her behaviour as reported was unacceptable.

BUT it is also unacceptable to behave as you did to your supposed friend. Not as bad but still unacceptable.

Hmmm...OP your life seems interesting to say the least...

Isn't everyone's? I'd rather have an interesting life than a boring one!

And your posts on this thread are quite aggressive as well, @Graphista there is no need for that.

I have agreed that fixers can be annoying. But there is never an excuse for the aggression by the OP's thread. I'm not surprised the OP flounced. I know that she ought maybe to have tried to smooth things over, but I think she was very upset herself at that stage.

You really have projected so much here.

Thanks Lizzie. I couldn't really stay in that house any longer not with a kid there who was clearly not happy with me being there, crying in the night when woken up etc. I moved to the hotel for the sake of everyone not just myself but would have been happy to meet up later in the day and have a chat had events not taken a turn for the worse when I was thrown out.

By interesting I mean that this seems to happen to you a lot and you’re the only common denominator in all of these situations...

Were there drugs involved the other night? Because your behavior may have been very different to what you remember...

It's happened once before, hardly a lot. No, no drugs, I gave them up last year.

I think it's that crowd, this doesn't happen with my local friends.

I'm moving away from that crowd now.

I think that’s a good idea. Concentrate on friends who are healthy to be around and who won’t tempt you back to your addictions.

That's the plan. Fed up of the crazy gang who seemed so much more fun than my other friends at first but it's not so much fun when we fall out and I'm fed up of the drama now, give me the sensible crowd any day!