Friend turned on me - really hurt me and I don't know why.

[shouldaknownbetter]

I have a friend, lives in another city. I was travelling nearby last week so arranged to go and stay with her for a couple of days.

We went out the first night and had some drinks, sat up chatting until quite late. Everything was going ok, she started telling me how she had not got any confidence as she'd not worked for a few years (due to a physical disability). I was trying to be supportive, giving her advice like maybe try some voluntary work, look at the things she'd done with her hobbies (she does puppetry), just trying to help. Everything was met with a no, the conversation was getting circular to everything I said she just replied she did not have the confidence. Then she started saying she didn't want to talk about it. So I changed the subject but she kept coming back to it. And then things got nasty, every time I opened my mouth she shouted at me to shut up. Said that I was going on about it - even though I had no stake in going on about it -it was not my issue - she was the one who kept bringing it up.

By now she was really shouting at me and this woke up her husband and school age daughter, her husband then started shouting at me that I'd woken him up, and told me to go to bed. I never even raised my voice! She started crying on his shoulder like I'm the bad guy.

So I went to bed all the time thinking 'I need to get out of here' but at 2 in the morning your options are limited.

Come the morning I thought I don't want to stay here and it's not fair on her daughter who by now was giving me a really bad vibe that she wanted me out. So I told her husband I'd go to a hotel that night, but we could still hang out if she wanted to see me and talk, just I didn't want to sleep there.

He tried to downplay it a bit, but I'd made my mind up. Anyway I told my friend, who was still in bed, that this is what I was planning and then all hell broke loose. She came out of the room and shouted at me- first to stop making a fuss over nothing, then when it became clear I wasn't going to back down, shouted at me repeatedly to fuck off and that I was selfish and to get the fuck out.

So I packed up my stuff and then she physically shoved me out the door all the time shouting fuck off fuck off at me. I've never seen rage like it.

I really don't understand what happened here. I sent her a message saying no one talks to me like that and we are not friends any more, she followed up with abusive replies and said I'd driven her to it. I said she'd passed the point of no return now.

We've been friends around 3 years and something like this (but not as bad) happened a couple of years ago, and I gave her a second chance then.

I guess I am still reeling a bit and feeling a bit shell shocked that she could turn on me like this. It's like -she could say whatever she liked but when I said anything she told me to shut up/fuck off and then blamed me for everything and made herself out to be the victim. And that's emotionally abusive isn't it.

But I can't help wondering why she's done this to me... I know I need to move on but it's left me feeling really strange.

i'm a fixit person. fixit people have their pros and cons just as 'just need to vent it' people do. the disabled friend is just as able to decipher that OP is a fixit and to seek another place to vent as OP is able to suppress her fixit tendencies. yet there is disproportionate grievance at OP imo....

Oh I#m not saying she had the moral high ground here, she was a dick, and you were in the right, but think about this - has you being in the right made anyone happy?

I have learned to not give advice in real life, especially not to people who have proven childish and volatile. People do not want it, they want confirmation of their choices and, really, nothing else. "There there" and "Well done" meets just about every need except with my very very closest friends.

Trot on, mags

Of course there is a solution Qvar. There are many many solutions to my friend's problem (lack of confidence). A quick google search will show you that.

The issue is that she doesn't WANT a solution, she's not ready to sort things out and that's fine - but then it's also fine for me to not want to talk about it all night and be told to shut up so rudely, remember I tried to move the convo on and she kept bringing it up again. At one point I said let's forget it and remember something fun we did last year - really trying to change the subject - yet still she came back to it. And that's MY fault?

I think you've had a hard time on here op.

Yet every one presumes you're in tip top health.
Curious as to her physical capabilities though if she was physically able to throw you out of the door?

She sounds toxic. I have disabilities and being disabled is no excuse to behave like this. I wouldn't give her another thought.

OP I agree with you. Imo opinion you're getting a hard time. Basically you don't do bullshit. I've stayed away from friends because I can't put up with their self pitying whining victim mentality. You're better off staying away from her.

Madmags if you read the post she clearly says her friend kept returning to the subject.

Mags - I guess I didn't want to go to bed on a bad note. I wanted to steer the convo back to a nicer place. Do you know what I mean when you are trying to talk your way out of a disagreement but usually what happens is that you just dig in deeper and make it worse. A bit like someone who''s gambling and just keeps chasing their losses and cannot leave the casino..... (if that makes any sense)

As in - why didn't I just leave and go to bed. But yes she kept bringing it back up. It wasn't my issue, I could easily let it go. It was playing on her mind. And yes, alcohol was involved - a fair amount. That probalby didn't help. Doesn't explain the next morning though.

You are fundamentally mismatched, OP. You believe she can fix her own problems, she doesn't. She could probably google just as much research to show her side as you could yours, but that won't prevent the inevitable discord between you. In answer to your thread title, your friend turned on you because you said things she didn't like and she doesn't have the capacity to tolerate hearing them. Right and wrong don't really play into it much.

And ironically, I'm giving you reasons and solutions - and you are struggling to accept them because they don't fit what you believe. It happens to us all.

I have had five years of my MIL offering me advice on my disability, everything to taking vitamins to flying to America to try an unregulated treatment to taking up her set of spiritual beliefs which are different to mine.

Your friend shouldn't have shouted at you nor shoved you but my God it is utterly wearing being around fixers.

Offer advice when asked, that is the key.

Bauble you've hit the nail on the head. I don't do bullshit and I probably do wind some of my friends up as I'll call them on their shit. But I can't help it! I have a 'take responsibility for your own shit' mentality.

I even told my friend if you decide not to do anything (to return to work) then that's fine too, but own that decision because at the moment you're telling yourself to get a job but also telling yourself you can't and that's clearly making you unhappy. I guess that's too logical for some. Maybe that's what wound her up.

Qvar I'm not rejecting your reasons - I'm listening intently and they make sense!

Do you find that you have to MAKE yourself listen to other people's reasons when you have a different opinion on what they should do? Because I really have to force myself, and clamp my mouth closed so I dont' blurt "But! But! But!"

And some people do not have the capacity to do that, for reasons ranging from mental health problems, innate neurology or simply a 'fuck you and your tribe' personality

Her basic problem is confidence - with confidence you can pretty much do anything (physical limitations excepted) as you have that 'spark' of belief in yourself to work it out.

But without confidence how do you get confidence? You can't , you're kind of stuck. So I guess if she is in that mindset she probably doesn't want to hear what she could do as she is just trapped in a bit of a negative spiral of thinking she can't do anything, so I understand that a fix-it person in that situation isn't going to be welcomed.

Thank you I have learned a lot from this thread , I am listening to posters - I may not agree with you all but I am reading everything posted to see what makes sense and the fix it/ not fix it thing makes a lot of sense, that we are incompatible in that way.

we sound quite similar should. If there's a problem, I like to find a solution. And I'm not one to whine on to people unless I'm indirectly asking for their help.If a problem is solutionless I just stfu and talk about other stuff.I cant see the point of rambling on about something I'm powerless to change. A pp said fixers are wearing. I beg to differ. I find pointless venters and whiners utterly draining.

Qvar, I guess in my professional role I am an advisor so I'll work with clients to find solutions to problems and often there'll be a dialogue where I'll say solution X is best, they'll say no I don't like that because of reason A, I'll say what about solution Y - we'll weigh up the pros and cons, risks etc.

Ultimately if they decide not to take my advice I have to let go, which I've learned to do over the years, so long as I've given the advice then job done. But it is always a dialogue/rational convo.

I guess it is very hard for me to get out of that mentality outside of work! If someone doesn't want to take my advice then fine - own it - decide that you're not going to make a decision type of thing.

Yes Bauble, very frustrating playing the 'yes but' game. And ok with a friend down the road who you see often, maybe occasionally but when you go to see a long distance friend you want some fun times too!

Regardless of whether you were irritating and insensitive in thinking you know more about her situation than she does, I think her reaction shows that she is emotionally unstable, and your best option is to step away.

Sounds like she’s stuck in a drama triangle role- I would google it for an eloquent explanation, but essentially it sounds like she starts off wanting to play the victim role, but when you don’t play rescuer the way she wants/needs, she switched to persecutor, and then back to victim, but putting you in the persecutor role. I don’t think you should continue to engage with those levels of abuse, but you should read up on drama triangles for good tips on how to get out of one.... cos it’s really tough!
And as another problem solver, I appreciate that it’s hard to stay quiet, but sometimes the solution they need is to have a listening ear!

Fraggle has a point. Personally I can't be assed with adults who do drama. Unless it's on a stage.

thank Down I'll check out drama triangle - i love learning about this sort of thing. Is it a bit like DARVO?

Op youre getting a hard time on here.I don't know
you are being held accountable for your friends actions.

She's an adult as well, she has to take some responsibility for her life.If prove read rather than hopping on the op they would see she tried to steer the conversation on to other things.

And the exYoyre well rid op, enjoy your hotel stay friend brought it back round again.

It’s the alcohol that’s the problem. Just a bit disinhibits us and we give too many opinions or get too sensitive. I’m not saying you had too much to drink, but it just enables differences of opinion or personality to rise to the surface.
Been there, done that.
What’s actually important is what happens in the cold light of day. If you can both let it blow over or not. If it’s not going to blow over just walk away and don’t overanalyse. You’re not as good friends as you thought.

‘Fault’ probably lies on both sides. She’s over sensitive, you don’t have real life experience of her situation- but meant well. Even if you do have insight you’re not coming at it from the same angle. Maybe she’s been doing it longer, and is more worn out.

It doesn’t sound like this is retrievable. Shit happens. Move on

I hear you saying that you are a professional adviser.

but you are not supposed to be HER professional adviser. You're supposed to be her friend.

If you cannot separate your work role from the person you are, you may struggle to maintain friendships even with people who AREN'T nuts.

Like if a nursery worker came to visit you and decided to potty train your child. Or a chef came to visit you and told you your cooking needed improvement. Or if a care assistant came to visit you and tried to wipe your bum.

You're solution focused so think about this as a solution to conflict - shush. Just be silent. Then at least if they carry on screaming and pushing you out of the door, you know damn well it's internal pressure on their part and nothing you said or did.