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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners twitter

243 replies

TheRoadToEverywhere · 22/02/2018 17:39

Fairly new-ish relationship, around 4 months. It's got quite intense, quite quickly and is going well.
Just had a random glance through his Twitter (out of boredom, nothing stalky) and have discovered he follows a large number of porn stars, glamour models, girls/women who have accounts to basically pose with nothing on.

It has really, really bothered me. I know he is entitled to follow whoever he wants to but its left me feeling absolutely shit. I didn't think he was this type of man.
I look absolutely nothing like the women in these profiles, and now feel horribly inadequate.
For some reason it feels different to me to porn, as that's an outlet and and means to an end.

Is this my problem? Do I need to get over it?
I have crap self esteem anyway, this really isn't helping.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2018 11:11

Simple response to that is
'Well then there's nothing else to say. These are MY feeling and I'll move on from them when I'M good and ready'

causeimunderyourspell · 23/02/2018 11:16

I discovered my Oh was getting emails for 'bike girls' on Pinterest, like woman draped across motorbikes and stuff. I wasn't happy about it and I let him know. He was adamant he had just searched for general bike stuff, but either way he knows my thoughts now. If I wanted some gross leery bloke I'd have looked for a husband in a strip club. I know men look but seeking out pics is just gross in my opinion.

Original poster
TheRoadToEverywhere · 23/02/2018 11:18

I think I'm just going to step back for a bit.
Completely confused now and arguing like this over messages isn't getting us anywhere. He's at work so its not fair to try and talk about it right now.
But yes, I'm more upset by his dismissal of my feelings and overpowering language than the actual Twitter thing.

I can honestly say, hand on heart if he'd found something like that, told me how he felt I'd be trying to reassure him.
Isn't that what you do if you care about someone?

OP posts:
sanesera · 23/02/2018 11:26

Wow. I think this is more about you tbh.

LizzieSiddal · 23/02/2018 11:47

Yes it is what a caring partner does.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2018 11:47

Yes OP, that's exactly what you do if you care about someone.

newcarsmell · 23/02/2018 11:54

His reactions and the way he's speaking to you is crap. Humouring someone's insecurities?! How about discussing the issue like an adult and growing the fuck up?

Perhaps I'm just too old to be putting up with this kind of crap, feeling disrespected or patronised. I suspect that it will be a deal breaker for you at some point too op, if not now then down the track. I think you can do much better than this one. I'd throw him back in.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 23/02/2018 11:59

Yes, that is what you do if you care about someone.

He's very probably slightly getting off on this little power trip over you.

You said you're worried you've fallen in love with him but it'll just be sexed upness and will pass. Save it for someone nicer, kinder and less of a sleeze-bucket.

Bin him, as they so rightly say, off.

RhubarbTea · 23/02/2018 12:03

I have only read the OP and your very recent follow up - sounds like you tried to say how this made you feel, and he dismissed you?

I'll be blunt and honest because there's no point in pussyfooting around. I used to be you. The situation you find yourself in is ABSOLUTELY something I would have done - have done - many times. Here is what is wrong with this situation:

You have low self esteem. This is crucial to all of this - not because if you had higher self esteem he wouldn't do this/would have reacted differently, but because if you had high self esteem you'd never have dated him.
You rushed into the relationship - which doesn't give you time to carefully, slowly evaluate the person in a measured way, seeing them as they REALLY are over time.
Stuff like this comes up because of the absence of the above. That is, self esteem and taking it slowly.
You are just incompatible. This probably won't end well. You can't polish a turd and all that, and getting angry/sad/hurt etc is pointless because he is merrily being himself and you can't change that. (and FWIW I would have been very uncomfortable with what you have described and it's a total deal-breaker for me. Nowt wrong with that.)

So:
Low self esteem - then rushed things - chose the wrong person for you.

The only thing I'd recommend is having some high quality, long term talking therapy with a therapist you feel completely comfortable with to unpick why you have low self esteem, why you get intense very quickly in relationships, and what happened in your family of origin/childhood that set these things in stone. You can unset them, but it takes hard work, emotional graft and it is not fun. But it can be done.
For what its worth I am happily single and very very unlikely to date someone again unless I miraculously find someone who shares my world view and my quirks. And I will never live with anyone again. Therapy gave me the compassion and insight to sort out some things but the main thing it gave me is inner confidence and self esteem. I'd bounced from one relationship to another before, getting intense very fast and then realising we were wildly unsuited. It hurts. It's horrible. So I'd strongly advise you to leave this man and strike out alone, getting some excellent therapy and generally working on making yourself happy irrespective of what relationships you have at any given time. I promise it will be the best thing you will ever do.

LemonShark · 23/02/2018 12:04

Apparently "unless I'm ready to move on there's nothing else to say"
So I'm being shut down basically aren't I?

He's asserting his boundaries that in his eyes he won't be made to feel guilty by someone for something he did before he ever met you. And that he's not okay with you going through his entire twitter to find every scrap of evidence of a perceived wrongdoing.

He's set his boundaries. You can choose to walk away.

Most normal loving partners would try talk it through and reassure and negotiate boundaries but I fear the way you brought it up with him (being accusatory) has set the tone for this argument and he can't exactly be judged for not now wanting to sensitively discuss and reassure etc when you didn't do either to him.

TatianaLarina · 23/02/2018 12:23

What’s the point of trying to kick current activity into the past? The latest posts come up on daily basis. If it were the past he would have unfollowed these accounts a long time ago.

So - is he a bit thick? Or does he think you are?

You say he’s alpha malely and dominant in bed - it’s fairly common for such types to be sexist - unless he is superbright and intellectual with very good education. (And yes based on following porn stars he’s quite possibly a porn hound).

Any discussion of his attitudes and behaviour is shut down by the hokum about the past and trying to deflect the subject to your insecurity. Some posters here seem dumb enough to fall for it, but I don’t think you are OP.

Original poster
TheRoadToEverywhere · 23/02/2018 12:34

Well.... It looks like he's just blocked me on whatsapp.
There's my answer then

OP posts:
princesssparkle1 · 23/02/2018 12:35

I think that you want him to be like you, react as you think you'd react,

But he isn't you. And he won't react like you think you would

He's alpha. He'll look at other women (imo they do). If that doesn't suit you then you need to leave him.

LemonShark · 23/02/2018 12:46

Sorry OP Flowers

I think deep down you'll come to realise as the pain eases that you weren't compatible in your views and boundaries for a relationship. Better to find out now than down the line when you're invested. Although of course that doesn't mean it won't hurt now.

bitzy12 · 23/02/2018 12:48

@princesssparkle1 I agree with you totally. I don't really see he's done anything that wrong (i.e he hasn't cheated). It's just something upset you personally. There would be others out there who wouldn't bat an eyelid to it.

So I think it's a case of you are incompatible rather than he's to blame. If you don't like it then that's that, end of and move on. But I'd be prepared for things like this to creep up again in future relationships.

TatianaLarina · 23/02/2018 12:55

He hasn’t done anything wrong if you have low expectations of men. If you have reasonable expecations + he has several strikes against him.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 23/02/2018 12:56

Err, oh, yeah, he didn't cheat, he didn't smack you upside the head also. Great.

I think your self esteem is fine, OP. You didn't like it, you were justified in questioning it, and it was more you didn't like the way he responded to that than anything else. He sounded a bit nasty. Do something nice for yourself. There are people out there who are perfectly capable of having boundaries without behaving like a tosser about it.

TatianaLarina · 23/02/2018 12:57

When anyone says ‘dominant’ now I think Mike Thalassitis. He probably follows loads of porn stars on Twitter... he would certainly come up with equally thick excuses.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 23/02/2018 13:00

I've known a few 'alpha' types who have PHDs but they're still thick. Blinded by their own arrogance, usually.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2018 13:11

You do indeed.
He's an asshole.
Now keep busy.
Get out with friends.
Look after yourself.

BillMasen · 23/02/2018 13:19

There are a lot of posters on here who seem very keen you split up and will not be happy unless you comply.

I think you're being a bit unfair. You went through twitter follows, selected some you didn't approve of and had a go about them, then got annoyed when he didn't acquiesce and delete. You can't control who someone follows on social media, it's controlling. You can break up over it but I can't help thinking you'd only be pandering to the people on here who want to see that.

A male dp demanding his female partner amend their social media as he didn't like it would get torn apart.

Original poster
TheRoadToEverywhere · 23/02/2018 13:34

Well, its all academic now anyway.
I've been blocked.
I would have liked the opportunity to actually discuss it properly in person, but it seems he's not interested in doing that.

OP posts:
WesternMeadowlark · 23/02/2018 13:36

At least it's over quickly, I guess.

On the "humouring people's insecurities" thing:
He is right that it can sometimes make things worse, but it cuts both ways. You could equally have said that humouring him over how he is with other women would be creating problems later.

I don't think giving the other person one opportunity to negotiate something that hasn't previously been discussed is automatically controlling or anything like that. If they don't want to negotiate and would rather end the relationship, that's their right, but it's fine to ask whether they would, rather than immediately ditching them.

WesternMeadowlark · 23/02/2018 13:40

That said, I'm sorry it's come to this, OP. I know that we don't know much about how exactly you've approached him over the subject, but him outright blocking you does make it sound like maybe he's had a bad experience in the past that he hasn't dealt with properly.

sanesera · 23/02/2018 13:46

I'm not surprised he blocked you tbh and I think you acted hastily on the first replies you got on here. This needed a proper chat with him in person imo. But it's done and I think it's sad