Partners twitter

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

Fairly new-ish relationship, around 4 months. It's got quite intense, quite quickly and is going well.
Just had a random glance through his Twitter (out of boredom, nothing stalky) and have discovered he follows a large number of porn stars, glamour models, girls/women who have accounts to basically pose with nothing on.

It has really, really bothered me. I know he is entitled to follow whoever he wants to but its left me feeling absolutely shit. I didn't think he was this type of man.
I look absolutely nothing like the women in these profiles, and now feel horribly inadequate.
For some reason it feels different to me to porn, as that's an outlet and and means to an end.

Is this my problem? Do I need to get over it?
I have crap self esteem anyway, this really isn't helping.

[Somerville]

Of course it's not stalker-ish behaviour to look through publically and widely available social media information. I often look through people's follows, to find other people of interest.

If I had seen my now husband following accounts of this kind after a few months together I'd have sacked him off, because it would cause in irreparable breach of respect. (Likewise if I see a friend or colleague following accounts like that - the amount of respect I have for them lowers. So I'd also not want the embarrassment of being in a relationship with someone who is so public in their interest in such accounts.)

Actions have consequences - he could have unfollowed them at any time, and hasn't. If he'd stopped using Twitter then I might find that understandable, but he still uses it a lot, right?

[StringOfGoldStars]

Thing is, OP, no one on here is going to he able to tell you what to do. We can only tell you what we would each do or how we would each react.

I would end it.

I went out with someone a couple of years ago and it didn't occur to me to be worried: we were really compatible; even his parents described me as the female version of him, i had to make no compromises - I had a quick look at his photos on fb after a couple of months because I wanted to see what he looked like when he was younger more than anything. Didn't see anything concerning - saw his wedding photos - looked at a couple but wasn't interested in trawling and it felt instrusive, so I didn't look at them all. He knew because some pics triggered conversations about each other. Nothing concerning, all respectful.

Then he said something one day that was a little odd and so I looked at his 'Like' pages and it was full of the sort of thing you descibe. I ended it not long after. Not because I felt inadequate, but because he wasn't the sort of man I wanted to be with long term.

In many ways, we were perfect together and for each other. He was really upset when I finished it, but I've not once regretted it.

I have done things in my past that I don't think are a big deal and I certainly wouldn't want to be judged for them. But I can also see that someone might not want to be with me if they knew and I would repsect that. We each have the right to decide what we will and won't tolerate in a relationship.

I'm big and old and ugly enough nowadays to not feel bad about asserting and maintaining my boundaries. I won't be tying myself up in knots to accept behaviour/aspects of a person that don't sit right with me anymore.

[LizzieSiddal]

I agree with others. It is perfectly normal and ok to look throughly your partners SM.

Companies often do it when taking on a new employee!! And people are saying a new partner shouldn’t?

Imo you’d be an idiot not to check out a new partners SM.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't think it's stalkerish.
It's about finding out a bit more about someone you are in a new relationship with.
Hell, I think most people do it.
The first thing I do when someone sends me their phone number is put it into facebook search to have a look at the sort of person they are.
Why wouldn't I???

OP, this is YOU.
It's your life and your relationship.
I think you need to discuss it face to face.
If it was a long time ago, he may not even remember he still has them.
Have a look today and see if he's deleted them.
Let him know how this all makes you feel.
I doesn't matter to you that it's something he did a while ago.
Ensure you get your feelings across to him.
Tell him, it's not about him, it's about how it all makes YOU feel.
Then take it from there.
No knee-jerk reactions. Discuss and then decide.

[LemonShark]

himynameiss


I'm assuming by your weird level of defensiveness that you did delete things from his social media without permission.

Unfortunately I don't even know where to start with "go and watch porn and enjoy your fantastic life (why are you on here if your life is so f fantastic)" which seems to have nothing to do with the thread, so I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see it in slight confusion!

[LemonShark]

I think all PP seem to be in agreement OP that if his behaviour makes you not want to be with him you should not be with him. That's crystal clear.

But in the process neither should you try and make him feel ashamed or like he's done something wrong for something he did before he even met you. Just tell him you're not compatible and walk away.

I suspect it'll hit you hard if it turns out he doesn't feel he's compatible with you and wants to end it due to your actions and how you approached this, but that's what the early stages of dating are for. To see whether you have compatible views and beliefs and goals and conflict resolution skills.

[FancyNewBeesly]

It’s not about his past and things he did before they met - it speaks to his character and attitude towards women, that would be the issue for me.

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

He's not deleted them as far as I can tell.
I just don't know what to do.

I think it is the fact that it's public that's one of the reasons I'm so bothered. Private porn use is one thing, but I'd be so embarrassed if one of my friends or family ended up following him on Twitter and saw this. He's 37 fgs not 17.

[LemonShark]

37... how old are you?

I thought you were both teens/early twenties!

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

I'm also 37

[LemonShark]

You don't know what to do?

Well, this is who he is and you can't change him. So it's pretty simple. Do you want a boyfriend who, in the past, publicly followed adult glamour twitter accounts.

Clearly you don't or there would be this huge drama around it.

So you've got your answer. Just walk away. It's not fair to yourself to try and make yourself okay with something you're not okay with, nor is it fair to him to be with someone who gives him shit for a behaviour he did way before you ever met him.

[LemonShark]

Have you had much further communication? Or was the last contact him saying he felt he was being humiliated?

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

He's messaged me this morning, all breezy as if nothing had been said last night

[StringOfGoldStars]

The thing is, you can't change or control any of this. All you can control is your reaction/response.

You can't force him to unfollow, or even ask him to really. You can't travel back in time and stop it from having happened. You can't pretend you haven't seen it.

All you can decide is whether you're ok with it and let him make his own decision about what he wants to do and you make your decision about what you want to do.

Is it a dealbreaker?

If I'd asked you that last week, what would you have said?

[Happyfoodie50]

i remember looking at a former partners twittter and he had loads of these naked women following him. i think they pretend to be respectable and then have nude photos attached when you go on their page, he didnt realise they were following him and i believed him as he was shocked. He wasnt following them back tho. Split up anyway over something else.

[hellsbellsmelons]

The fact he hasn't deleted them speaks volumes.
After your message last night and his justification, it should have been the 1st thing he did.

[StringOfGoldStars]

He's messaged me this morning, all breezy as if nothing had been said last night

That was his response to it.

It doesn't have to be yours if you don't want it to be.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

The crux of the issue here is he's turned your hurt feelings into his own drama and is now ignoring the elephant in the room.

Gonna just say this, he's showing you who he is (selfish and ignoring your feelings).

Is this your first run-in with each other?

[Angelf1sh]

I find it a bit odd op that what is actually bothering you is what other people might think. You don’t appear to be bothered by the actual viewing or pornography, so it’s not a moral issue that you have with it. What concerns you is if one of your friends were to see who he is following. Why does this matter to you? If you do not mind if he watches pornography, I do not understand why it would matter to you if your friends know that. I think that you need to work on your priorities and your self esteem.

You can of course end a relationship for any reason you see fit, but this feels like a weird reason to me. Fine if pornography bothers you generally but being bothered by other people knowing about it seems odd.

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

I think it's the fact that its public because it shows a lack of dignity really.
Porn is private, advertising what gets you off all seems so juvenile and frankly weird for someone knocking 40

[TheLegendOfBeans]

@angelf1sh
It COULD be construed as being humiliating if your DP is basically being explicit in his porn use.

"HEY GUYS. My girlfriend is lovely etc but I still need to follow porn stars to get links to them ramming chap sticks up their chuff as she's the Madonna and not the whore in this equation - ok?"

Yeah, I'd feel marvellous.

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

Thanks beans couldn't have put it better myself x

[SandyY2K]

I'm suprised he doesn't just unfollow them and let you know he's done that.

To be I actually find following these sort of people more of a concern that watching porn.

[LemonShark]

Respectfully disagree hellsbellsmelons, what an awful dynamic to acquiesce to at the start of a relationship where your girlfriend has a go at you for this and you roll over and delete it all to please her! If she'd approached it like an adult and said 'I know you followed them before you met me so no issue with that at all, but it'd make me feel more comfortable if you unfollowed them as it feels disrespectful to me to publicly follow them while you're in a relationship' then I agree, him deleting them might have been an appropriate course of action. I would do so if I were in his position to compromise with a new boyfriend if the relationship meant more to me then these accounts.

But if I'd gotten messages from him kicking off because he'd trawled my entire twitter and dismissing that I felt humiliated by it and then he started drinking... no way would I ignore that massive red flag and jump to delete it all to calm him down. I'd be reconsidering the relationship and whether I could handle being with somebody like that/whether the red flags of being controlling were too great to ignore.

Just giving a different perspective. The fact he hasn't yet deleted them 12 hours after she first brought it up isn't a black mark against him whatsoever. Maybe he doesn't have the length of time it'd take to go through every last follow like OP did! And maybe he wants to stand his ground as he's unsure what will come next if he gives in easily this time.

[LemonShark]

SandyY2K Maybe he's upset and questioning the relationship after feeling humiliated by the OP and is on the defence after being called trashy for something he did before he even met the OP.

I must say in his position I'd be wondering what the hell she wanted. It wasn't to understand, by the way she kicked off and overreacted. It wasn't to state her boundaries and see if he'd meet them (asking if he'd be willing to delete the follows). The melodramaticism and trawling the entire account for evidence and then calling him trashy and drinking, I'd be thinking either she wants to be with me or not. Her actions aren't those of someone who wants to sort it out fix things and move on, they're the actions of someone who doesn't respect me or want the relationship anymore... yet she hasn't ended it. So what does she want?

People come back from and work through far worse in relationships, even this early on. So it may be possible to work through it. But it'd have been a lot easier if OP had approached it in a more mature way instead of losing her head and then calling him names/making him feel humiliated.