Partners twitter

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

Fairly new-ish relationship, around 4 months. It's got quite intense, quite quickly and is going well.
Just had a random glance through his Twitter (out of boredom, nothing stalky) and have discovered he follows a large number of porn stars, glamour models, girls/women who have accounts to basically pose with nothing on.

It has really, really bothered me. I know he is entitled to follow whoever he wants to but its left me feeling absolutely shit. I didn't think he was this type of man.
I look absolutely nothing like the women in these profiles, and now feel horribly inadequate.
For some reason it feels different to me to porn, as that's an outlet and and means to an end.

Is this my problem? Do I need to get over it?
I have crap self esteem anyway, this really isn't helping.

[LemonShark]

I'm sure not everyone will agree with this OP but if you do want to consider working through this (bearing in mind you can end the relationship at any point in the future if you want to) I'd send him the following:

"Hi, I just wanted to apologise for how I acted last night re twitter. When I realised you followed some of those accounts it shocked me and I should have spoken to you about it straight away instead of going through every follow and upsetting myself even further. I have problems with low self esteem and the thought of you lusting over these women made me feel so insecure it clouded my judgment and made me act in a way that wasn't exactly helpful to talking it through with you.

I know you followed them before you met me, you've done nothing wrong and I'm sorry for calling you trashy. I don't like that it's public for anyone to see that you follow them when you're in a relationship with me now but i know you didn't go add them all after you met me.

I really like you and where things are going and hope we can talk it through like adults and move on as it is a silly argument that got out of hand because I overreacted. What do you think?"

That's if you want to try and repair the damage btw. If you don't, and you're happy for the relationship to end or it to be brushed under the carpet with hurt feelings and confusion on both side then obviously no need.

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

Let's get some things straight. I didn't call him trashy. I days what he was following was. He responded by saying "I used to be trashy"

And why are you focussing on the drinking?? I had 2 glasses of wine, and he had no idea

[Angelf1sh]

Legend, how is it humiliating? I just don’t see it. Most men and a large percentage of women have viewed pornography and it has nothing to do with their partner.

Anyone who is that hung up on the vague possibility that their friends might trawl through the Twitter follows of their boyfriend and that what they find might make those friends think less of them 1) needs to work on their self-esteem and 2) needs new friends.

[Helpimfalling]

Would be a complete issue for me one that would play on my mind

To think he scrolls through that all day

I don't like the sort of men like that I judge them as slightly sleazy like men in garages with titty photos stuck all over the wall yuck and cringe and same catogrie to me tbh

Hmm the fact her hasn't offered to delete them speaks volumes would be horrified if my parents saw what he followed

But I am I admit a major prude

[LizzieSiddal]

I’ll reiterate what others have said.

It’s how it make YOU feel OP.

Ignore anyone who’ll comes along and thinks it’s ok. It may be ok for them, great! But if you don’t like it (like many others on this thread) then end the relationship.

[LemonShark]

"I have messaged him and basically said I wouldn't have got involved with him if I'd known he was the type of person to follow trashy stuff like this.
His response was that he 'used to be trashy'"

Okay, you didn't directly call him trashy. You said he was the sort of person to follow trashy stuff, and he was the one who used it as a label for himself. My mistake.

The drinking I mention because you said earlier last night you didn't think it'd be a good time to talk as you'd 'had a drink', i deduced you must have had enough to be tipsy or drunk as otherwise it wouldn't matter that you'd had one or two drinks as you'd still be sober enough to talk to him.

[LemonShark]

I'm not trying to get at you btw OP. Just giving advice and thoughts like everyone else.

What do you want then do you think? Do you think you can be happy with him knowing this about him? are you happy with how you approached this?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well that's not what I meant.
If he says he WAS trashy then when OP raised it with hm, his first reaction, if he is no longer trashy, would have been to delete.
He doesn't have to and the OP shouldn't request it.
But from his WORDS alone, he should have done it anyway.
He didn't, and I think that speaks volumes!
Just MHO!

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

He's just said that in his experience humouring someone's insecurities sets up problems for the next time
Which I find really patronising

[WowIFreelStrange]

@TheRoad. I agree I would take that as patronising. I would leave him at that comment.

Sorry :(

[Helpimfalling]

Would also be patronised and leave him he's treating you like a naughty child that's kicking off and if he makes allowances this time he has to make them again

What's the next thing on the agenda

[allyjay]

God what a turn off. I really couldn't fancy a man who did this. Sorry for you op

[DatingLife]

Gawd, LemonShark, leave her alone. I think I would be shocked if I found that kind of trashy crap on someone's social media.

One thing that occurred to me, OP, is he really that nice in other ways? Has he given you any reason to think he looks down on women, or even you - I'm thinking here of your mind / opinions. Has he made other slightly derogatory comments about women especially in relation to their attractiveness? What about his past and past relationships? You only mentioned one that ended badly. His current sexual tastes in relation to you? I'd be putting all that in the pot. 16 weeks isn't long to get to know someone or be calling them a partner. Unless its a definite out of the blue "he's the one" (even then) its really just "getting to know you". As you are now doing ...

[LemonShark]

He's just said that in his experience humouring someone's insecurities sets up problems for the next time
Which I find really patronising

Sounds like he's had a bad experience before with an ex doing something similar maybe. And is wary of getting into that again. Which you can choose to accept or leave it. Four months isn't very long I guess to realise you're incompatible. Better than four years.

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

He is very dominant sexually, which I like.
He's definitely an 'alpha male' personality type. Which I thought I liked, now I'm not so sure.

[Thymeout]

Why do you find it patronising, Op?

Isn't it a valid point of view? People can easily end up in a situation where their partner's insecurities are used to control their behaviour, social activities etc. Multiple texts on a night out. It's a slippery slope. Perhaps this happened to him in a previous relationship?

I think you might be happier with a more compliant, less independent-minded partner.

[CarefullyDrawnMap]

I'd find that comment patronising too OP. Also, self-styled 'alpha males' are just bellends in my experience.

He can do and follow what he wants, but it would have changed my opinion about him and I just wouldn't fancy him any more. And I def wouldn't fancy someone who thought of themselves as an alpha male. Great dongle.

[Thymeout]

I don't think he's called himself an alpha male? So not 'self-styled'. It's Op's description of him.

Has he criticised you, Op? Tried to change your way of life? From his point of view, he's simply kicking back at your attempt to change his behaviour which he's interpreted as a personal attack.

[CarefullyDrawnMap]

Yes, you're right, it was OP's description, I mis-read. But he's probably strutted about in a twatty and alpherish way to even have the description applied >jumping to conclusions< So I still hate him.

[LizzieSiddal]

He's just said that in his experience humouring someone's insecurities sets up problems for the next time

A loving partnership doesn’t just dismiss their partner’s insecurities, we ALL have them.
The right thing to do is talk about them and at least try to reassure the other. He’s just telling you to shut up about this and any future issue you may have with him

He really is telling you who he is. Listen to him. He’s waving those red flags right in front of your face.

[TheRoadToEverywhere]

Apparently "unless I'm ready to move on there's nothing else to say"
So I'm being shut down basically aren't I?

[LizzieSiddal]

Yes, he’s telling you to shut the fuck up.

[Somerville]

He's showing you that he didn't just used to be "trashy" - he reserves the right to continue to behave that way, and doesn't care who knows it.

Ditch him quickly. Sorry.

[CarefullyDrawnMap]

Lizzie is exactly right.

[MinorRSole]

At the start of this thread I felt you were over reacting tbh but his reaction is very telling and for that I would be having second thoughts about the relationship