Did he assault me?

[JollyAwesome]

Regular user but NC.

Feeling very confused and upset right now. Earlier on today, my husband and I had an argument in the car on the way to a family outing.

Our 4 yr old child spilled his packet of crisps in the back (they landed all over his car seat). I was driving and said to my husband "oh quick, can you pick those up before they fall on the floor"
He snapped back "No, not right now" (he was eating a sandwich)

So clearly flustered I said ok fine I'll do it and reached my arm back to pick up the crisps (my eyes were still on the road)

At this point he grabbed my arm really hard and said "NO, do NOT fucking do that, it's dangerous". He wouldn't let go of my arm and it really hurt, I panicked and was furiously shaking my arm saying get your hands off me, what are you doing etc? He refused to let go but I managed to shake it free and then lashed out at him in self defence (at least that's how I felt).

I immediately pulled over and got out of the car and walked off for 5 mins because I was so shocked that he'd done that to me. I could feel my arm throbbing where he'd had such a tight grip on me and I contemplated just walking home at that point but decided I couldn't ruin the day out that I'd planned.

So I returned to the car and said if you ever put your hands on me like that again I'll go to the police. We had an awful day, I couldn't even bare to look at him but tried really hard to stay upbeat for the sake of our child.

I'm so shocked that he acted so aggressively towards me. The anger in his voice, the way he spoke to me, the fact that he's physically hurt me. I have a bruise on my arm!

He said he was shocked and appalled at himself. That he was so sorry and couldn't believe he'd done something like that and that it would never happen again. This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? Sorry I feel like crying, I just can't believe he did that to me, even if it sounds insignificant. His manner was just so aggressive and it came totally out of the blue.

This is so depressing and I just don't think I have the mental strength to deal with all of this.

Do you know, the night before last, he arrived home after two weeks away, told me how much he'd missed me, slept with me and then the very next day this happened!

Unbelievable really. I just feel so hurt.

Then allow yourself to not deal with it just now.

Take time to recover. Be kind to yourself. This happened yesterday.

Some suggestions;

Write, listen to this abuse specific meditation, cuddle your DC/any pets, give yourself gifts on a regular basis (small like an uninterrupted cup of tea or a bath or large), if you drink alcohol have some time off it, eat nourishing food, try some yoga or Pilates and put him out of your mind for a while.

This kind of thing can split you from yourself and it is really important to reconnect.

And listen to and respect yourself. You don’t have the mental strength to deal with this just now, so don’t, spend time recovering instead and then deal with it when you feel stronger.

There are some helpful things in Bancrofts books and well worth a read but they are not respected in academic circles -
particularly as he provides no research or references for his claims - lots of anecdotes though.

His 'therapeutic retreats' in the US cause concern that he has influenced vulnerable women through his books then possibly continued the manipulation and control they are familiar with by offering himself and his 'teachings' at a very expensive 'retreat'.

I think he's creepy as hell and has a very shady past but fine if you find his book helpful. Just don't think he's some kind of 'saviour or saint' which used to be the attitude on MN so I was a bit surprised to see him recommended again.

He’s a therapist not an academic and it is a self help book.

‘Expensive retreats’ are pretty standard practice for therapists TBH not necessarily an indicator of anything except how therapists earn money because of the way funding for therapy is.

Evan Stark is an academic and references ‘Why does he do that?’ in his book for the specific reason that he is good at outlining the less tangible aspects of control and entitlement.

What kind of person people believe Lundy Bancroft to be is rather irrelevant to whether the book ‘Why does he do that?’ is useful to a lot of people.

I’m not aware of a ‘shady past’ TBH. I know he gets flack from a number of Christian bloggers.

First things first, you're an idiot.

You put not only your life at risk by driving incredibly dangerously but also your husbands and sons.

Then you have the cheek to be annoyed and threaten your husband with the police when he rightly restrained you from potentially killing your family.

The most outrageous thing about the whole story is your husband apologising for doing nothing wrong.

Your husband would have been charged by the police if they saw him rough handling you by grabbing your arm, hurting you and not letting go while you were driving. He was assaulting you and it was a very dangerous thing to do and all in view of your four year old son.

There are no excuses for your husband such as tiredness, working hard, stress, anxiety. He sounds very controlling and he could have caused a serious accident.

You should seriously think about whether you can live the rest of your life with this man. Counselling is not going to change his character and you deserve better.

OP ignore Mysideofthings, he was excusing another abusive husband on a previous thread. Other posters thought he might have been the abusive husband.

I think you both sound a bit thick. Picking up fucking crisps when you are supposed to be driving? And him grabbing your arm also while you are driving. Jesus.

Mysideofthings ODFOD.

Where are all these apologists for male violence crawling out from FFS?

Is it Stepford Wives week on MN? Did I miss the memo?

JollyAwesome I hope you can ignore these idiots, they clearly don't have a clue.

What your OH did was assault and incredibly dangerous.

he rightly restrained you

No it was not like this, he grabbed her arm hard while she needed it for driving and would not let go, making the situation more dangerous. He used undue force.

MySide - wow you sound like a real charmer. Thank you for the insult, it's just what I needed.

Careful you'll be getting 'told off' emails from mnhq.........

I wonder if there are any abusive men Myside doesn't back up and agree with. So far I've only seen them agreeing with abusive behaviour. Almost like it's an agenda...